Not Married, But Engaged.

I've been with my girl for over a year now. She's clinically depressed, and if I talk to her about this, she only beats herself up about it. She knows it's not right or fair to me, and hates herself for it. It still tears me up.



We started as a long distance relationship. We had phone sex often, and pent ourselves up, talking about what we'd like to do to eachother. We met when I came to visit her, we didn't have sex that day, I fingered her, but she did nothing for me. I didn't complain, nor did I mind. That seemed to set a trend for our relationship.

She has a low libido, to begin with. She won't even let me touch her, look at her, in a sexual way anymore. She had me turn my back when she was changing, earlier. that hurt so much, to not be able to look at her body. When she does want to have sex, she's selfish in bed, in other areas too. I finger her, I use my mouth on her, I'm always on top.

She never touches me, kisses me, my **** touches nothing but her *****, and rarely at that. I feel so selfish, asking her to do things she doesn't want to do, but I want it so badly. I've had girlfriends before, none that I love anywhere near as much as I love her, but I've been told that I'm well endowed, none of my previous lovers had any qualmls going down on me, using their hands on me. But the one I actually love does.

 I'm sorry this is so sparodically typed, going from one subject to another, I'm just typing to get it out, as it comes to me. It hurts to get it out, I hate myself for not being able to stifle my urges and for needing to share this with other people, I hate her for not even trying, but I love her more than I love myself.

I stay up late at night and I watch **** while she sleeps. I watch women do the things I want so badly, I see so many women doing the things I need to other men. I think about how this is their job, how they do it every day, several times a day, and that she won't, never has. I toch myself, imagining her doing those things, whishing she would, that she'd just try. But she can't. She says she can't. Why can't she? Why can't we talk about it? There are things we can do. She says it smells bad, tastses bad. I'm not circumcised, but my foreskin is small enough to retract when I'm erect, but the smell and taste are from body sweat when it's soft, even washing it multiple times daily isn't enough for her. I've been to a doctor, but I can't do anything to keep it from sweating. I'd use a condom, but I can't feel her mouth. I can feel the warmth, the pressure, but not the wetness, the texture. I suggested flavored lubes, chocolate sauce, mints, gum, candy, 69ing. She says nothing to me. She says we can try, she'll get used to it. We never try. She never wants to, when I bring it up. I tried to forgo it. Tried to not need it, want it, think about it. She finally told me that she wanted me to stop brining it up. I asked her if we should give up trying. It would be easier if we gave up trying. I wouldn't have to wonder if toight will be the night, get my hopes up. She said no, she wants to keep trying. I asked her how we would ever try if I never asked for it. She told me she'd bring it up when she was ready. It's been two months since then. She hasn't brought it up.

She has trouble climaxing whe we make love. She can when I go down on her, or finger her. And I do. Every time we make love, I do the things she needs. If I don't *** it's no big deal but God forbid she doesn't finish. But that's life, right? The man is taken for granted. Women don't like sex, right? Guys always leave them hanging right?

Bullshit.

I've never left a woman unsatisfied, unless she faked and I didn't know. I've never paused to use my mouth, barring serious hygene issues. Why is it ok for me to **** her and not ***, but not okay to leave her hanging. Why is it fair that I am expected to be ready and waiting to **** her at a moments notice when it's been weeks since we last had sex. Why do I hate having sex with her, but love being with her. Why do I hate all the things she withholds from me, but love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her? Why am I stiing here, typing this, fighting back tears with the pain of it when she's right behind me, on her laptop? She's so involved with her computer world she would'nt notice aything short of me breaking down and sobbing right here.

Why do I hate myself so much when it's her fault? Why can't she talk with me about it without completly shutting down emotionally? Why am I so afraid of her seeing this?

I can't talk to her about this because of her depression. It would bring her down for days. But at the same time, I kind of want her to read this to see how much pain she puts me through every day. But I hope she never knows about my pain. I'm good at hiding it. Pretending it doesn't bother me much. As if I could go wither way. This has been a bad week for her, nothing bad happened, but that's the nature of her condition, her emotional roller coaster. If I told her half the things I said here she would be in tears before I finished.

I have to stop now. It's too much to handle with her so close. Thanks for hearing me out.

Kolobi Kolobi
18-21, M
13 Responses Mar 7, 2010

Kobli, you are nearly young enough to be my grandson. I know this will sound very patronising and ageist, but it is still TRUE.<br />
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I am not a believer so I do not think God has anything to do with it . . . but to honour your position I have used His name to explain the premise . . . . <br />
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God gave you a long life - He did this so you could learn many lessons. He gave each of us a life for this same purpose. One of the purposes that God has for each of us is to pass on our hard won knowledge / wisdom to others.<br />
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For example: a six year old child goes to run out on the road - you with your increased understanding of the world prevent her from doing so. You know she will get run over by a car if she does so . . . and you try to prevent that happening.<br />
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On this forum their are many people with the accumulated wisdom of literally thousands of years. We are trying to impart this (very hard won) wisdom to you. . . . In essence, we are trying to save you from making a mistake that will cost you your emotional well being and have many other negative effects on your life forever.<br />
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If you choose to ignore it, you WILL be consciously choosing to ignore God's will for you. Please consider this when you are framing your arguments in terms of God's will.

Ok...."I am not quitting on her, she has been hurt too many times".....look, I've been in abusive relationship, my ex, (I am posititve undiagnosed bi-polar/borderline/demonic posession?)....so I am going to give you some advice, take it or leave it...yes he "needed" my support....(he's had a large series of doormats, like myself, before me and after me, the world isn't going to end if you leave her, some other masochist will be sucked into her world of pain)<br />
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1. YOU moved to be with her, so your support is gone, and she is your world, this is NOT good for you, if she needs so much care, why doesn't she move to your world?<br />
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2. If you are "empty" you can't continue to give....she will suck you dry....some people are "vampires"....strangely putting you in a spell, and suck, suck, sucking all they can out of you....while you somehow enjoy it.....<br />
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3. "She doesn't want to talk about it?"....translation....SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET BETTER, it's way easier to sit in your comfort zone, than to heal for many people.<br />
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4. YOU are deserving of having your needs met, but some people just take, take take, and will continue to, as long as you are giving, giving, giving.....I think you need some one on one therapy for yourself....I mean this with kindness, not judgement or malice....if for nothing more than introspection and support.<br />
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5. Depression or NO Depression, real relationships are reciprocal....YOU deserve a real relationship, run now, before you have children to think of.....or dont' run, but still be friends, just nothing more....<br />
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Sorry if I sound harsh.....

...as for your religious experience...maybe God drew you to her, to teach you to honor and love YOURSELF....some of us need to learn that.....<br />
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....but I have to tell you a story from Sylvia Brown's book about past lives....briefly, a woman met a man and they just 'clicked' ....they "knew" they were meant for each other, and had the feeling they had lived lifetimes together....so when he became extremely abusive, she stayed, knowing it was "destiny' that they be together....to find peace with this, she went to Ms. Brown for a past life reading for justification on why she stayed with such an abusive man....<br />
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Yes, she had lived several lifetimes with this man....and in each one he was horribly abusive to her (in one he was a judge who sentenced her to having her eyes burned out, another he was a father who molested her, and she killed herself when she got pregnant,....you get the idea)....so her "karma" was to break ties with the man.<br />
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You can help others and do alot of good, and still get your needs met...I hope you are able to learn that.

Ok...."I am not quitting on her, she has been hurt too many times".....look, I've been in abusive relationship, my ex, (I am posititve undiagnosed bi-polar/borderline/demonic posession?)....so I am going to give you some advice, take it or leave it...yes he "needed" my support....(he's had a large series of doormats, like myself, before me and after me, the world isn't going to end if you leave her, some other masochist will be sucked into her world of pain)<br />
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1. YOU moved to be with her, so your support is gone, and she is your world, this is NOT good for you, if she needs so much care, why doesn't she move to your world?<br />
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2. If you are "empty" you can't continue to give....she will suck you dry....some people are "vampires"....strangely putting you in a spell, and suck, suck, sucking all they can out of you....while you somehow enjoy it.....<br />
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3. "She doesn't want to talk about it?"....translation....SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GET BETTER, it's way easier to sit in your comfort zone, than to heal for many people.<br />
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4. YOU are deserving of having your needs met, but some people just take, take take, and will continue to, as long as you are giving, giving, giving.....I think you need some one on one therapy for yourself....I mean this with kindness, not judgement or malice....if for nothing more than introspection and support.<br />
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5. Depression or NO Depression, real relationships are reciprocal....YOU deserve a real relationship, run now, before you have children to think of.....or dont' run, but still be friends, just nothing more....<br />
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Sorry if I sound harsh.....

Reading this story and the comments .... especially at almost 2 AM ... is very intense ...<br />
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Your words ....I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into when I started this relationship. I had a religious experience that drew me to her, made me take an interest in her, let her fall for me. Some of you may not believe in God, but I know my God, and what I felt. <br />
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There are many signs here that you position yourself as her Savior .. you "let her fall for me" ... <br />
My God is my Savior ... I do not position myself as anybody's Savior ... egos can take over senses and emotions ... As a young man .. you feel responsible for her well being ... you call this love ... A priest told me that God wants us to be happy ... because if we are not happy how do we expect to make others happy? .... After reading your story and your responses from real honest individuals who have walked this road .. some of us in relationships past their due dates ... .. me for 41 years, have nothing to lose by submitting our comments for your review .. You can choose to digest them or reject them ... we are not judgmental .. we get no joy from your sorrow or pain ... we empathize ... stop being so defensive .... there is more to this than meets our eyes.<br />
Cutting herself is very dangerous ... she wants to feel pain to feel alive .. you want her to feel alive .... she has to want this for herself more than you want this for her. You are not equipped to be her Savior and cannot "save her" from harm. She requires mental health intervention immediately. I suggest you visit your clergy ... whatever your belief is .. there will be someone in your "church" to listen to you and offer support and assistance. Don't go this alone ...only strong individuals throw up their hands and say "I need someone to help me with this situation" .. You have taken the first step by posting here ... keep your mind open to all possibilities. <br />
The answers may not lie within you or us .. but the fact is that she needs intervention ... immediately ..<br />
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Blessings

Good start! Get some rest. Take care of yourself. Think about things. Check back here and let us know how it's going.

*sigh<br />
I do hear you guys and I want to say that there's more, or that you don't understand, but nothing more would change your opinions.<br />
An outside perspective is refreshing. Not what I want to hear, but refreshing.<br />
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I do love her. I would survive without her, move on. It would hurt me a lot, but I could do it.<br />
The thing is, I AM the rescuer to her. I met her when she was at her lowest, and she clung to me. She still needs me, and I can't bear what it would do to her if I did leave.<br />
We had a long talk shortly after I wrote this. I've been having trouble sleeping lately, and have been awake about 30 hours at the point. Emotions were running high when I posted this.<br />
I left my friends behind when I moved here to be with her and have not had anyone to vent on.<br />
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After our talk this morning, she agreed to double her therapy appointments each month, and I'll be going with her, to discuss OUR problems as well as her own.<br />
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She does love me, and isn't doing these things on purpose. I want to work it out with her, at least try. Some of you will think she's playing me a fool, but when I told her the things I said here...<br />
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I thought I knew exactly what I was getting into when I started this relationship. I had a religious experience that drew me to her, made me take an interest in her, let her fall for me. Some of you may not believe in God, but I know my God, and what I felt.<br />
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I chose to do this. To sacrifice what I want for her. But I will not let some things be taken from me. I am not wrong to expect passion in my life. To have love in my sex.<br />
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I'm not quitting on her. She has been hurt too many times, by too many people who never tried. I spoke with her former lovers. I know how they hurt her, they admit it themselves.<br />
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I'm giving this another chance. She agreed to try. I'll give her the chance to follow through.

Chai, you are too kind!<br />
And Kolobi, if you are to get anything from this forum, you must be open to really "hearing" the answers you get.<br />
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ThingV might sound a bit harsh at times, but his is "tough love". He has done the hard yards and truly understands the situation. You disrespect both him and yourself if you fail to take note of what he says.<br />
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Some people are "rescuers" - and it sounds like you are one of those. I recognise this trait because for many years, I was one too. It took me most of my life to realise that I was actuially NOT helping myself OR the person I thought I was "helping". . . . Don't allow yourself to be in this situation - of taking forty years or so to understand this about yourself.<br />
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Look at your family - are you the "helpful, responsible child"? Is your mother a single parent - and you've had to take on the role of "man of the family"? Do one or both of your parents have chronic problems - illness, addiction, mental illness etc? Is one of your siblings disabled?<br />
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These family situations often result in a child becoming the sensible, responsible, reliable one who "looks after" everyone else. This behaviour becomes ingrained in you - and you find yourself unconsciously seeking out a partner who needs to be cared for.<br />
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Now the REALLY IMPORTANT thing to know (IMO!) is this:<br />
by rescuing someone else, you actually do them NO favours at all! Whilst ever they can rely on you to love them, support them, be there for them and accept them for who they are - they have no impetus to try and get better . . . . .<br />
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You say you are not co-dependent - but IMO your are actually exactly that! Please seek some personal counselling to help you better understand your own motivations and the likely outcome of your relationship, if you stay in it.<br />
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And remember, sometimes being TOUGH is very hard to do - but it is better to do it now than in 5, 10 or 50 years time. . . . .

Oh, and K, listen to ThingV. You might not be comfortable with what he has to say, but 99% of the time it's right on target. If you are priveleged to receive a comment from Enna30, sit up and pay attention to that one too.

Kolobi,<br />
You show a different dimension in your second post. I read it that you are also very concerned about your GFs depression and mental health. But from what you've written, it soulnds like whatever treatment she's getting is either not effective or not sufficient. The key thing here is does she acknowledge that there's a problem, that it's affecting both your lives, and is she cooperating and committing to professional treatment, whether it's counselling, behavioural therapy, medication, whatever?

V, I would have liked to have read your comments.<br />
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Let's just say that there was one poster who said he took on a Rescuer role and found a partner who was a Victim of circumstances. What was important to note is that he clearly knew why he felt the need to Rescue ... through introspection, he knew what motivated him. Then there reached a point when he said "My work is done". Sexlessness may have been the stated reason to part company, but regardless, the need for the role was no longer present for him. When you stop feeling whole, what good is the role??<br />
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Kolobi, what motivates you?

I'm not co-dependent. I know it sounds like I am. I've been with her long enough to know she has no skills in using her depression to get what she wants. She has social anxiety, and no experience using people, which I have a good deal of.<br />
She's not "look at me" depressed, she's "stay up all night crying, spend all day shut up in her bedroom, hate myself, hurt myself, anybody hurt me" depressed.<br />
She was cutting herself in the bathroom earlier, and is doing so again now. While talking about why she did so the first time, I brought up our problems and that's what set her off. She's on her way back now, and I'm by no means done. This needs addressing, as I'm sick of it.

Kolobi, <br />
You are way too young to be tolerating this situation. The behaviour is not acceptable in a committed relationship. She is not making love with you, just having sex, and only on her terms. <br />
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You have your entire life ahead of you. Go find someone who really loves you. <br />
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I quote from ILIASM member CoyoteGray, below. Save this and refer to it for your next serious relationship:<br />
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"Three simple words encompass the essence of love for me - Partners, Lovers, Friends.<br />
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Partners share the burdens and the rewards of life equally. Each supports the other without question.<br />
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Lovers find their passion in each other's presence, loving words, fiery touch, attention to the other's needs and concern for their satisfaction.<br />
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Friends are there through ups and downs. Trust is implicit. All our deepest joys and fears laid bare without stint - knowing implicitly that no thoughtless advantage will be taken of such vulnerability. <br />
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Partners, lovers, friends - a marriage where either party does not deliver all three is nothing more than an empty social convention, a mockery, a sad waste of life's precious, irretrievable minutes."<br />
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Oh, and you also get naked in front of each other. Enough said.