Now What....

I have been with my current mate for a little over a year.  Most women look at him and think wow she is one lucky lady.  From a physical standpoint he is gorgeous.  Every bit a man's man.  Barrel chested, strong arms, and an *** I frequently catch other women looking at when we are out.  Unfortunately that is all it is a physical shell.  Through a series of unfortunate accidents over several decades he has reached a point where he cannot maintain an erection and even the ones he can get are few and far between.  In the year we have been together we have had sexual intercourse twice and he has only *** in me once. 

In the beginning he would do things to alleviate my needs - vibrators etc.  That quickly slowed down to once every 2-3 weeks.  I tried to explain my frustration but am made to feel guilty as he feels there is nothing he can do about - he won't take Viagra or anything as it makes him nauseated.  The sad part is in our early days, being older folks, we discussed many of these things for hours on the phone or lying together in bed.  He assured me my needs would be met, asked about my fantasies, and understood some of my darker needs sexually.  After living together for several months now it is rare that we do anything.  For Christmas he bought me a Sybian which again he assured me this would be something we would do together - the last few times I have used it I have used it alone.  I finally boxed it up and put it away as it was too depressing to look at.

My mate is not without feeling.  He constantly tells me he loves me.  He kisses me every morning, when I get home from work, and when we go to sleep.  He touches me, holds me and tells me I am his true love.   How can I not feel guilty that sex is sooo important to me. 

I ache,  I cry silent tears, and I pour my energy into so many other things to fill the void.  I have even prayed for God to take my sex drive away.  I want some answers on how to survive loving a man who won't/can't **** me.

Chianna Chianna
46-50, F
8 Responses Mar 7, 2010

I like JRSK007 opinions. Have you ever thought that you might be forcing a sexual relationship with a really good friend? You can still have strong feeling for this man but you are standing at the foothills of a life time of frustrations. It will go away or deminish. It will actually get worse with time.

LITW,<br />
<br />
It is sad to live this way. But every now and then out of the blue he wants me.... just the other night he rolled over embraced me, told me how much he loves me and then manually took care of the desire that just looking into his eyes ignites in me. It is almost like he senses I have reached my limit on frustration and does his best to take care of it.<br />
<br />
Maybe there is something out there to restart his libido.....

So what am I to do - demand sex? How sad when a woman has to beg plus rejection is painful.

You expect it from him because he is your sexual partner... no need to feel guilty about that... he is SUPPOSE to be the man in your life... (i.e., your personal sex partner...) this isn't something you invented and foisted upon him... this is something he took on by becoming your lover... <br />
<br />
So you need not feel guilty expecting him to be what he is, your sex partner...

It is hard not to take it personal. He tells me he loves me and even once told me how guilty he feels for not being able to **** me. SO then I feel guilty for expecting something from him that he cannot do.

In response to ThingV. Yes it does appear that way. In the beginning he was more than willing to accommodate my needs. Always explaining that he was all right with not being able to get off. Strangely enough even that part is frustrating. I would love to do things to him/for him but he doesn't encourage me as he feels I will only get more frustrated.

I know exactly how you feel... but here's the deal, you cna't wish your sex drive away... your sexuality is a major component of your personallity. <br />
<br />
Just because he has no sex drive... that is no reflection on you... that is all on him.<br />
<br />
And sex can be very important to you and you ought not feel guilty about that at all... you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking like that.<br />
<br />
Like me, you might want to find a friendly lover.... <br />
<br />
james<br />

I don't know from your story if he has tried ED drugs or not. If not, he should look into them. There is also an injectable treatment which isn't as bad as it sounds or as in my case, there is an implant available that works terrificly. The surgery is covered by most insurances and even Medicare. The recovery is three months and is a bit painful but manageable with pain-killers. Once healed, the device provides an erection hydraulically that is nearly identical to a natural one. Best of all, it won't go limp at a bad moment. It's available 24/7 and stays until he decides to end it. I love mine. My only problem is that although it fixed me, it didn't fix my wife's frigidity. We still go months at a time without sex because she's cold and hostile to me but nonetheless, the implant is a wonderful solution and he is likely a good candidate for one.