I Wonder Where It Went...

I met my husband in 2002 and I love him very much.  We never had a lot of sex, even at the beginning...he lived about an hour away and we'd get together on weekends, usually having sex 2 or 3 times, then we spent the week apart.  In 2004 we bought a house and started living together a few months before we got married; if I remember correctly, sex continued to be something that happened 2 or 3 times a week.  It wasn't mind blowing sex, but it was good.  I initiated it about 95% of the time, which was ok with me (although I would have liked him to initiate more often).

Towards the end of 2005, we decided it was time to try to have a baby, so we had more sex but it was pretty much by the calendar and more for function than for pleasure.  I got pregnant a few months later and that's pretty much when the sex slowed down to almost nothing.  First it was me being tired and nauseous, then that middle trimester when the sex is supposed to be so great just never really came.  Towards the end we did have sex a few times, but it was more of a comedy than anything else and I couldn't reach ****** at all. 

After the baby was born, I had bad post partum depression.  I ended up moving up north to live with my parents for several months because I needed more support than my husband could give (and he gave A LOT of support...we took shifts sleeping, he was responsible for everything except breastfeeding...I couldn't have asked for a better husband or father).  I was gone for 6 months.  When I got back, I was on anti-depressants and had no sex drive left, and he was working 12 hour days, 6 days a week as a landscaper.  We were both too tired for sex to be a priority.

I went back to work when our daughter was 10 months old and he became a stay-at-home-dad.  The tiredness continued for both of us and I guess our relationship became more and more about her instead of each other.  Now she's 3 and a half and we still aren't having sex.  We joke that we have sex once every season, which is pretty accurate.  Taking care of her is much, much easier now, but we just haven't reconnected physically.  He's always had problems being affectionate and it's worse now than it ever was before.  I should mention that we've both suffered from anxiety and depression frequently throughout our lives, I'm still on anti-depressants and he has bad migraines and a bad back; I'm sure that all of these things factor in to the situation.

I don't initiate sex like I used to, partly because my sex drive is so low now and partly because I know he's probably going to say no anyway.  I feel like we SHOULD be having sex, but it does feel like more of a chore or a duty most of the time.  I don't want to lose what we had, though, and I remember when sex was exciting instead of just something we should be doing to stay connected physically.  He's not entirely sure what is making it hard for him to be sexual now.  He rarely masturbates (I've asked and I trust his response) and he just says he's not in the mood for sex or that he hurts too much physically.  I suppose there could be a mixture of issues here: I'm less likely to reach ****** and I think he feels like he's failed if I don't, he's gained a little bit of weight and I think he feels self-conscious about it, he might feel less masculine since he's performing a traditionally feminine role in our family.  *sigh*  I wish I knew what the problem was so I could do something to improve the situation.

My fear is that we'll grow further and further apart and that I will meet someone else and feel that incredible spark of passion again.  I don't want to hurt my husband for anything in the world and right now to be honest the lack of sex is sometimes a relief to me.  Honestly, if he came to me right now saying he wanted to have sex, my response would probably be "Ug...fine" and I'd go ahead and do it and probably like it ok but neither of us are in to it right now at all.  We love each other, but it's like being good friends instead of spouses. 

MistsOfSpring MistsOfSpring
36-40, F
11 Responses Mar 7, 2010

enna30: Thanks. I fixed it. :)

AnarChristian:<br />
My husband and I talk openly about the issue. He knows everything I've typed here. He has more difficulty expressing his own feelings, but he's said that he just doesn't feel good enough to have sex. Sometimes he gets migraines and his head feels like it's exploding, especially at the moment of ******. A lot of the time it's his bad back that is the physical complaint. Generally it's just being tired, though. We're both suffering from depression and I'm on antidepressants, so neither of us have much of a sex drive right now. I just seem to miss it more than he does, and I'm worried about what will happen in the future because I do forsee a time when our daughter is older and life is more calm when my sex drive will return. I want to remain connected until that time comes. I'm hoping that her independence will affect him in a similar way, especially since he's the stay-at-home-parent.<br />
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I certainly don't want to leave him; we have a really good marriage outside of this one issue (albeit a big issue). We play and laugh together, we respect one another, we communicate pretty well, we share the same values and we enjoy living together. I'm not about to toss that aside over what I'm still hoping is a temporary problem. <br />
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When I said that the lack of sex is a relief to me, I meant more at specific times than over all. We'd never have sex at all if I didn't initiate it, and sometimes I do initiate it when I'm tired or not much in the mood just because he seems to be feeling good and I think he's more likely to be willing. When he says no, I often feel relieved because I'd rather just to go sleep myself. That's not all the time, though. I approach him verbally and/or physically with kisses, touches, innuendo and direct comments or requests when I am interested, too. I should also add that on the few occasions in which he's initiated sex, I've never said no to him. In fact, I've responded quite enthusiastically because the idea of him initiating at all is a turn on in itself.

Mists, you just need to change your filter. Your's is set to exclude these words - you can change that by turning your adult filter OFF.

I wish you luck. <br />
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You say that the lack of sex is a relief to you. Are you open to the possibility that your husband can sense that through your demeanor? If not, it sounds like you have an absolutely hopeless problem and you should leave your husband.

Grrr...it really bugs me that O R G A S M and M A S T U R B A T E are censored on here. Geez...these are NOT bad words!!! The forum is about sexless marriages; surely those are perfectly reasonable words to use!

cindyljoan, I've had vibrators for years. I used to ********** nearly every day when I was single and I continued to ********** sometimes when my husband and I first got together, as well as using toys together. He had lots of his own toys and *********** a lot, too. Now neither of us do it very often...we have sex with each other once every 3 or 4 months and I know I'm only ************ about once a month now, if that. Sometimes I start and just don't bother to continue. I think he masturbates about the same amount as I do. <br />
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I guess what it comes down to is that neither of us want to have sex lately because it seems like too much trouble, but I feel like we SHOULD be having sex to stay connected and I miss the affection that goes along with it. We're both tired all the time and depressed. I don't want this to be it for us. I want my sex drive back and I want him to want to have sex with me, too. I don't want to grow apart and I don't want to be tempted to go outside of our relationship because meeting someone new brings back that spark in my life.

AnarChristian, my husband hasn't withdrawn from initiating sex. He's virtually never initiated sex in the 8 years that I've known him. When we were having sex regularly, I initiated it at least 95% of the time. When I stopped initiating, it stopped completely. I still try to initiate once or twice a week and he always tells me he's too tired or sore to do it. He's the one turning me down. I'm trying even though I don't have much of a sex drive right now, but he's not trying at all.

MofS, <br />
It sounds like the two of you no longer love each other. <br />
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Honestly, it also sounds like you are putting fuel on the fire without even realizing it. Pity sex is insulting. You should not be surprised if your husband withdraws from initiating sex if "Ug...fine" is your response. Who are you kidding???

How about a vibrator ? Often, that brings on the desire for actual sex ?

Hmmm...now that you mention it...no. We really should start looking for potential babysitters, but we don't know very many people in town and family is pretty far away. I guess we never really noticed not going out anymore because we didn't go out a lot before she was born, but before she was born we were alone at home. I can only think of 3 times that we've gone out without her since she was born, in fact. One of those times was to buy a new mattress. <br />
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After she goes to bed, we each want some time on our own rather than with each other, too. We're both somewhat introverted. We get things done that we couldn't do when she was up and we might watch tv or read or go on the computer. The only time that's really about US is when we go to bed, IF we happen to go to bed around the same time. Then we usually talk for a while, but it's usually relating stories about funny things she did to each other. The only other thing we do together is watch Canada's Worst Driver when ever there is a new season of it.

Do you two ever have time away from your child? Getting out, even if it's just to window shop, go to an art gallery, museum or something without your daughter can help the two of you reconnect. You can even play board or card games after she's asleep. Not saying it will be an instantaneous thing, but just find a way to enjoy each other.