Head Over Heals In Love, But No Intimacy!

 

I'm 20 and she's 19. We met freshman year of high school and quickly became best friends and spent every day together. Soon we started dating and eventually made it official when we were 15 and 16. That was over four years ago. The first time we had sex was about four months into our relationship. It was the first time for either of us and we were both prepared to lose our virginity to each other. From than it was amazing. For two years we had sex regularly and it was mind blowing. Than all of a sudden it stopped. She now says having sex makes her feel "guilty" and the last time she had sex with me without me having to beg was two years ago. She NEVER engages, and 95 percent of the time turns me down when I try. I feel like I force her into it and always feel guilty to even ask. If we do end up having sex she literally drags her feet to the bed and sighs as if I’m forcing her too. I have tried several different things to try and bump of the intimacy. Picnics, candle lit dinners, rose pedals, massages. I try and cater to her in the bedroom when we actually do have sex as well. I spend much of my time on her, hoping that if she enjoys it enough she will want to have sex more. I am never afraid to go down on her or do anything I can to have her ******, yet she still never wants to have sex. She has a lot of body issues, despite being absolutely gorgeous in my eyes, as well as a history of sexual abuse from one of her babysitters sons that I cant help but attribute to her loss of sexual intimacy. 

 

Frankly she is my absolute best friend and I love her more than anybody I have ever known or met. I wouldn't exchange the time we spend together with anything in the world, and I can see myself being with her for the long haul. I just feel that I am too young to already be facing this challenge. We were planning on trying to get some sort of counseling but we were just dropped from our health insurance plan and find it far to expensive. I have tried talking to her about several times about not being able to marry someone or be with her for a long time while being in a sexless relationship to which she always responds "is it that weird that I just don't like sex?" 

 

I’ve read several stories on here that seems like if your partner is like this the general consensus is to just leave because it’s never going to change. Leaving her is one of the last things I’d want to do because I can’t see my life without her; I love her so much. It’s just so hard going months without sex and when it does happen, having to beg and feel guilty about it. Is there any advice from people on here? Have any of your relationships turned around? I know we are still young but I know what love is, we have spent the last four and a half years happily together and I couldn't imagine myself with another woman. This seems to really be the only problem in our relationship, but threatens its very existence. 

Lostinboston Lostinboston
18-21, M
21 Responses Mar 8, 2010

Four!

hah! that makes three of us!

And on that issue, AC and I are in COMPLETE agreement!! :)

Whatever you do, make sure you use a condom.

Thank you enna30. Being new to this community, i suppose i should hold off until i have a better understanding of its members LOL. I greatly appreciate the explanation as well as all of the very good advice given to me.

believe me, this is by far the most helpful advice i have received in the matter. All of you are touching on very eye opening issues that i may have never explored with out you. The last thing i want to do is come off as defensive in the matter. i am absolutely sure that there are things that i need to change that can help the issue. I greatly appreciate all of your help, i just don't enjoy being referred to as a child or 'boyinboston.' these jabs are deliberate and completely unwarranted. I've turned to this community for its wisdom and advice, not for this issued to be belittled to childhood drama.

LIB, our AC is a man who sees the world in black or white. With him, everything is either "right" or "wrong". If you are not his version of "an adult" you will be "a child". If your spouse or partner does not do what HE thinks is appropriate, then they "do not love you". If you believe in something he does not believe in, you are "wrong" or "stupid" . . . <br />
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Much of what he says makes good sense, but it is often lost because of his very judgemental attitudes. <br />
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And I seriously DISAGREE with him about your girl! Wanting sex is NORMAL. Choosing NOT to have it because you don't agree with sex before marriage is altogether another thing. Ask most people who have opted not to have sex before they got married and they will tell you it was VERY hard to remain celibate!<br />
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Your young lady, on the other hand, is not refusing you for that reason. She simply does not want sex. She may have serious issues causing this - or she may be one of those people for whom sex is unimportant in life. (Check out "asexual" on Google.)<br />
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Either way, counselling will help her examine her own motives and understand her own behaviour better.<br />
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AC has an "all or nothing at all" attitude to counselling. He does not seem to credit counselling with being an excellent tool for knowing yourself and your motives better - and living accordingly. He seems to believe it is the last bastion of the seriously mentally ill.<br />
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I suggest you help your girl think of it as a "health check" - there doesn't have to be anything seriously WRONG to get a health check - it is just about ensuring you are truly healthy. IF there are any issues (and in her case I strongly suspect there ARE issues) these can be helped enormously by a competent counsellor. <br />
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Maybe you can persuade her to go to the counsellor "for your sake" even if she is reluctant to go for herself . . . .?

Dear Boston; Please know that while I think that all of us are much older than you, don't think that we are all jaded and bitter..just realistic; hindsight is 20/20.<br />
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In honesty, while we might sound cynical, most of us do have very real hopes and opportunities for a better life; that's why we are here. When I first came here about three months ago, the responses to my first posting were not what I wanted to/was hoping to hear, but what I needed to hear. They've been eerily prescient. So where we are coming from is a place of helpfulness and concern.

AC I understand your concern but my writing above was just to convey how much we truly do love each other. It is not a one sided thing in which I am obsessed with this girl. She loves me just as much, if not more. This is my first real search for outside help in this matter, and I appreciate the overwhelming response, but I am doing this in an attempt to salvage this relationship with absolutely no ulterior motives. At the moment I am living in an apartment in Boston, while she was forced to move back home an hour outside of the city because for financial reasons. I can’t see how it is possible to smother someone in a relationship 60 miles away from you. The brightest part of either of our weeks is when she can come up or I can come down and spend time with each other. In no way am I approaching this situation with the goal to be her savior or "messiah." I just truly enjoy every minute spent with this girl and the last thing either of us would want to do is throw it all away. <br />
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P.s. AC, I would appreciate it if you did not just think of the two of us as children and give the respect that I would surely give any of you. I came to this website for help and advice, not to be talked to as if I was a child. I understand that I am twenty years old and I still have very much to learn, but I just wish to be spoken too and regarded in a respectful manor. Thank you.

Sorry, ennA, but I think you are writing nonsense. These kids are not married. You and Thing are treating them like they are married. It is ridiculous and insulting for that matter to infer that this young girl needs professional help. I think it is the opposite -- this boyInBoston needs help to cure him from his Messiah complex. <br />
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Refusing sex in marriage is not normal. <br />
Refusing sex outside of marriage is more normal than weird.

AC and Arabella, whilst your comments make good sense, I fear our young poster will read criticism of himself into them. . . The poster says it is 2 years since she voluntarily and willingly had sex with him. She is 19 years old - so that means she was just 17.<br />
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This young guy has hung in there for TWO YEARS since then! I cannot imagine ANY 20 year olds I have ever known who would show that level of loving commitment - so please, LIB, realise that it is very unlikely that it is anything YOU are doing which is causing the situation.<br />
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As TV says, your girl has some serious problems. This is NOT your fault - but neither is it possible for YOU to fix them . . . She needs professional help and it will probably take her YEARS to get really well. And that will only happen if she feels the need to get help.<br />
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Whilst she can rely on you being so caring, loving and supportive, she does not really have the impetus to get help. Consider that leaving her, or giving her an ultimatum that she MUST seek professional help, may be "tough love" but in the long run it will be better for her.

You're too young to be so serious - to be considering a life long thing. I think giving each other space is the best option. But she might sincerely be feeling guilty - who knows what programing she's had as a child regarding sex outside of marriage - and guilt is a major libido killer. And if that's the case, you trying to propostion her and make her want sex is going to be counterproductive to what you want - she'll just see it as evidence that you only want her for sex - and not care about HER or her feelings. If that is the case, you'll only push the wedge in deeper. Someone pushing you for sex all the time is a major libido killer too - I can attest to that, being someone who has experienced the other side of the coin due to medications. It feels like a child pushing you to make a cake when you're really tired. You'd probably be happy to do it normally - out of love, and who doesn't want cake? But it can turn pretty sour when that's all they think about.

I spent a lot of time thinking this story over and I think the refuser-denied dichotomy is blinding us all. We can easily be taken for a ride. <br />
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" This seems to really be the only problem in our relationship, but threatens its very existence. " <br />
How can you be sure that is the only problem? <br />
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There is a chance that you are smothering and suffocating this girl in ways that you can not see. She wants control over her life and you may be cordoning her off without realizing it. Witholding sex by her may actually make sense because it might be one of the few things in her life that she can control. <br />
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When you say that you can not live without her, there are likely to be certain behaviors of your own which convey that quite clearly to her. When you go into therapy, ask yourself how it is that you can not live without her.

Time to find another ... sorry but there is no two ways about it.

i'm sure you can all understand my sadness when reading all of these comments. its really the complete opposite of what i wanted to hear, yet what i expected. i just wish there was another way. i've taken meerin's advice and looked into my colleges counseling services. i will try and exhaust all possibilities before i pull the plug but i understand its inevitability. i just wish there was another way. thank you everyone for your support. i've tried talking to friends and siblings but truly there's nobody out there that really understands unless they are living it themselves.

You can remain her dear and loving friend but not maintain your role as her SO. Whilst you continue to do so, you are cheating yourself. And strangely enough, you are cheating her too - by enabling her behaviour.<br />
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If she has to cope with life without you there every day, she may well take stock of her situation and realise she DOES need help. . . .<br />
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I encourage you to realise that, by maintaining your relationship, you are entering a LIFE TIME of pain, rejection and long term misery. Being in love is just not enough. These negative feelings WILL poison you - and poison your relationship. <br />
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Time now for some hard decision making - seek some personal counselling for yourself if you wish - I believe this would be very helpful for you.<br />
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I am so sad for you that this has happened - but do NOT stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail from the outset.

KidInBoston, <br />
Your girlfriend does not love you anymore. I recommend that you make plans to leave her and move on. If you stay, you will go mad trying to be happy with her. <br />
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You say that you can not see yourself apart. I have no doubt that you feel true love. <br />
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You have to seriously consider that your girlfriend is growing apart from you. Since you two are shacked up together, your girlfriend is a bit trapped. Instead of telling you the truth, she may feel that the only power she has is to gradually push you away from her.

I know that you are hurting. This is your first love and she will always be important and special. But, and this is a huge but, you are way too young to be even considering spending the rest of your life with someone who really doesn't want to have sex with you. Trust me, it's going to get worse instead of better.<br />
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I'm not telling you what to do, but I know what I would do. You seem like a smart person. You have so much life to live yet and this will become a noose of burden around your neck if you are not careful.<br />
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Best<br />
KFC

Sorry - I have a firm belief in NOT finding your 'soul mate' or 'one true love' so early in life. Some will disagree with me, and some (very few) have worked out for a lifetime without failure, but if you do some research on marriages/relationships lasting when the couple involved met in high school - you'll find the percentage very, very staggeringly low.<br />
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I know this is not why you wrote here - just something to contemplate as you move forward. BECAUSE - even as you grow older and wiser, one of you will probably hold resentment over the other for not having ventured out and lived some life on your own before taking the plunge. Not being committed so early on in life. I think this could be a very good piece of the reason on her part right now.<br />
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Sorry, but her thoughts and her perceptions of reality may be wandering. And, it isn't your fault.

If she was sexually abused, she's got some real issues, that need to be faced and worked on.....if you are OK with just a roomate....there you go, if you want more, well, I'd find it before you have kids to think of....you can still be friends.

If you are in college, many campuses offer free counseling. If you are working, try your local office of mental health. They often offer counseling on a sliding scale based on income.<br />
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Really the only thing you can do is talk to her and try to get her to open up about what is going on. She has to want to change. <br />
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I have been with my husband since I was 15 and the problems started when I was 18 and obviously we are still having them. I wish I had a better prognosis, but you aren't me and perhaps if you pursue this aggressively, your outcome will be better. I certainly hope that it is.