How Do I...

It's been not quite a year since I last posted and sadly enough the situation has not changed.  I want to talk with my wife about why she doesn't want sex but I'm not sure how to go about it without sounding like I'm coming down on her.  She isn't very good at confrontation and I would love nothing more to make this a positive talk.  I am open to the possibility that it is something with me, and if there is then I would work my buns off to make it better.  For those of you out there who have had the talk, what are some do's and don't's I should know about?

ChefP ChefP
41-45
4 Responses Mar 9, 2010

it doesn't have to be a confrontation either, the above advice is excellent, and keep a cool head, talk to her at a time when you are both calm, and use a gentle tone....and good luck.

Chef, <br />
It might be you but so-the-****-what? <br />
Nobody is perfect. Being married is accepting the good with the bad. I am sure that YOUR wife is not perfect. She must do a few nutty things that drive you crazy but you still want her. <br />
<br />
I am going to give you some advice on The Talk: <br />
1) talk is cheap and people lie <br />
2) your wife is probably hiding something from you and so, if she tells you some bullshit, chances are that she is avoiding telling you the truth <br />
3) tell her you want to make love more often <br />
4) DO NOT tell her that " normal married couples have regular sex...." because you will be implying that she is mentally ill -- which would be true but telling a person that truth usually makes things worse <br />
5) if you give her an ultimatum, the threat should involve divorce otherwise there is a better than even chance that she will just act interested in sex just to string you along <br />
6) plan a divorce anyway <br />
So, in the grand scheme of things, The Talk is pretty useless. <br />
<br />
Now I am going to give you some advice: <br />
1) your wife does not love you anymore and you had better figure out how to deal with it <br />
2) try The Grope instead of talking -- crazy people need therapy

Classic therapy tips...<br />
<br />
* Emphasize how what she does makes you feel (she can't dispute your feelings). "I want to talk discuss some things that have been eating at me for a while" "I've really been feeling X about our relationship; I don't feel connected to you the way I want to"<br />
<br />
* Be cautious about placing blame when tabling the issues - try posing points as things you miss or would like to improve, not bitching about. Not to be a pansy, but to prevent her immediately going into "defensive" mode and tuning you out. You'll still want to get your point across, but don't come out with guns blazing. Instead of saying "you hate sex; you're always saying no; etc." try "I really miss when we used to be connected, do X Y Z, etc."<br />
<br />
Just my two cents, FWIW.

A few useful guidelines for "the talk"!!<br />
<br />
1) think carefully about what you WANT - avoid talking about what you don't want<br />
<br />
2) avoid criticising, complaining and whingeing. YES! you are totally entitled to do these things - but they really won't help you to move forward.<br />
<br />
3) do not let her blame you - if she starts to do that, just say: "that is not what we are talking about" unless it really is a valid complaint. Many Refusers choose the "attack" method so as to derail any genuine effort to resolve this issue.<br />
<br />
4) equally, don't accept any excuses - "too tired, too busy, things wil be different in a few months, etc, etc!!" Tell her that you are no longer interested in explanations or excuses - she needs to demonstrate NOW that she is interested in making the marriage work.<br />
<br />
Sending you the very best of good wishes for future happiness.