So Now It's All My Fault!?!

I was beginning to think I was alone in this kind of marriage. I know no one wants this, aleast on here, but I am glad I am not alone.

It's strange. It's happened little by little over the last several years. At first, there were excuses and then...nothing. It's just become a mute subject. BUT, when I do bring it up that this is not "Normal", I get the blame. "I didn't think you were feeling well." Well, that most considerate bullshit excuse worked for awhile, but not anymore. And now, as long as it's gone on, the longer it will. Nothing intimate is being shared. I don't even know if either of us even miss it, or this has just become our pattern. Our life together. It's not how imagined. Not what I hoped for. Not what I deserve.

When your mate doesn't want you in a sexual way, I find it to be the ultimate put down. I was never a person with a lot of self esteem, but I could fake pretty well. Now there's no faking, my self esteem is shot.

This seemed to begin all around the time I found out I was infertile. I feel like I am being punished. Since sex won't "produce"...then what's the point?

I know I don't want things this way. I know I can't keep living with things the way they are. It all just seems like a Lie to me...

IpheliaPayne IpheliaPayne
36-40, F
14 Responses Mar 11, 2010

see00- My heart is just breaking for you and all you are having to deal with, with no one close to you to stand by your side. You should be very proud of yourself for teaching yourself the english that you have! Where are you from and where are you now? At the very least, I can try and find out as much information as possible to help you- with your divorce and maybe some other sort of income. Surely there is something out there. I pray there is. <br />
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Nothing is totally hopeless. Remember that! There just may be some avenues that you haven't found yet and very possibly income resources too. I still think that you would be entitled to alimony from your soon to be Ex. <br />
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I will promise you that I will do as much research as I can with whatever information that you give me to help you. If you are not comfortable with putting much personal information here, you can e-mail me... jenniferjennyjen73@gmail.com<br />
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Sound like a deal? I will help you any way I can.

see00-<br />
“One can hurt the other one as it wants to and it can hurt badly”....This confuses the tar out of me. Does it mean that the "other" gets a free pass to do whatever, whenever, they want? Why on earth would someone like that keep getting married? There has to be a whole lot of lies going on. I can't see anyone with a rational bone in their body getting hitched to someone who has tried and failed 4 times before...but that's just my opinion. This person just sounds like a dickhead.<br />
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And speaking of Dickheads...You had the supreme mother load of one!!! I cannot begin to imagine what all those years were like for you. My heartaches for all your pain that this dickhead threw at you to...I don't know...be on a power trip? Did he kick puppies as he walked by them too? Talk about screws loose. I am so, so sorry that you endured this kind of mental and physical torture. He must have read the handbook on how to be the worst kind of abuser. What a total waste of oxygen!<br />
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I am so proud of you for filing for divorce! This is a celebration of a new beginning to your life. I can understand your worries 100% about your body and financial stress. I deal with that too...and it's one of the reasons I keep myself stuck. What about filing for disability? That could be an option. Why not go after the dickhead for alimony? Since he has been the sole money maker, wouldn't he owe you the supply of the means of living; maintenance? Take this bastard for everything you can and smile like a cheshire cat while doing it! <br />
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My Thoughts, Prayers and Wishes are with You...And I am so PROUD of you!

blackdress- So true about it's either there...or it isn't. I am so happy for you that you have a "Buddy" in your husband. I am also sorry that your buddy isn't your Lover, too. Time seems to go by so quickly and before you know it, we are in the situation we are in. Thank you for sharing with me.<br />
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Lost- Thank you for sharing your pain with me. I can appreciate it and totally understand how you feel. I became the initiator every time we actually "got it on" for the last few years before everything stopped a couple of years ago. I got tired of being the one to want to be wanted....and after I just felt used.<br />
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I still want to be wanted. Who doesn't right? I used to think the "I have a headache" thing was just a joke, but hell no...those words actually came out of his mouth once, lol. <br />
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My god now that I am finally venting, and with people who understand...I can't thank all of you enough.

IP, you wrote:<br />
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"I used to think Love was the end all be all. Now I have changed my outlook. I think it's much better to really Like your spouse or signiifcant other. To be interested in the goings on. To Admire and Respect. "<br />
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My husband and I both like each other very much - we are best "buddies". We are interested in the goings on, admire, and respect each other. There is no question about that. But how can there really be love without these other things? I too, don't place all the blame on him because I let it go also - I thought I could live with it, and have done so for 15 years. So even though all of those things exist in our marriage, that is STILL not enough.<br />
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I've pretty much come to the conclusion that we simply are not "into" each other. I don't believe any amount of counseling can spontaneously generate that. It is there...or it isn't.

Again I am so grateful to You Wonderful People for taking the time to respomd to me. Truly it has been so long since I have been heard, it makes my heart ache for what I, we, have lost.<br />
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To answer AnarChristian- the one question I would ask if I ever got Hub into therapy..."What the hell is wrong with him?" Sounds pretty flip I know. But really when all the ifs, ands, whys and hows are eluding me...that's the one I would want answered. But I do know without a doubt that a person, any person, cannot make sense out of nonsense.<br />
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And yes, I do see how it might make things easier to untie the knot because we have no children. That's an odd thing though, he has made the comment that if we split the things he would fight me for are our fur-babies. So I guess there's always something...even though I am the one who takes care of them and are with them all the time. He has no idea of the bond I have with the "kids". I can't figure out if he is ever serious when he has said that, or if that's just a jab. I just simply cannot figure out how this dickheads brain works.<br />
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I have not been able to bring myself to confide in anyone these thoughts and feelings as I have here in this forum. I take meds for depression and anxiety as well as others for other conditions. I tell ya though, thats one issue that if I had a frying pan heavy enough I would have knocked him out a number of times. The meds are used against me. If it's a really bad day or if I am feeling emotional his go to response is, "Did you take your pills?" Whew, that ****** me off. I want to lash back that I wouldn't need to take them if it wasn't for the fact of having to wade through his crap. But, I bottle it. God help him for the time when I finally let go, lol.<br />
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Something that I have thought about lately is the fact that they knew how to act right in the beginning...and that's where I really get pissed. If I didn't know it was possible for him to pull his head out of his ***, then I would not be waiting and wanting him to do it now. <br />
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I'm in a real gripe mode today. I am making plans though for the first time. My "Coming Out" so to say. Coming out from under this mountian of crap to try and find happiness again. I know that when the end is finally within reach, it will hit him like a load of bricks. He see's no problems. He is his own idea of perfection. He is the smartest person he knows. His delusions do make me laugh though. So, I guess the "***" is good for something. ;)<br />
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Thank you All so much! You are giving me strength in reading what you have to say, my fellow do-with-outters.<br />
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My Best Wishes and Warm Thoughts to you All~

"I know I can't keep living with things the way they are. It all just seems like a Lie to me..."<br />
I think this sentence of your's is actually prophetic. No, you can't keep living like this and you shouldn't have to.<br />
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The sad part is that it is highly unlikely that your marriage will find a satisfactory level of connectedness and mutually enjoyable sex. Your husband demonstrates many of the classic Refuser characteristics :-<br />
1) he is happy with things as they are<br />
2) he sees no reason to attend counselling because there ius nothing wrong for him<br />
3) he places the responsibility for sexlessness onto you by implying he is doing this for your sake (WTF? these Refusers of our's are seriously screwy sometimes!)<br />
4) he is unmoved by YOUR need for things to be different - implying a lack of genuine caring for you as his life partner<br />
5) there is very little (if any) intimacy in your relationship.<br />
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I hesitate to say this because it sounds very harsh given your infertility, but the fact you have no children may be a blessing at this point. It will allow you to leave without feling you "should" stay because of the children.<br />
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I encourage you to seek counselling for yourself as it will help you regain your self esteem and seklf confidence. And I encourage you to begin planning to leave your marriage. You are a young woman who can find a happier future with a man who really loves you for YOU. Please don't deny yourself this possibility.

With the goal of reviving your marital sex life, if you could hypothetically bring your husband to counselling, in one sentence, what would you say to or ask of the counsellor?

Good grief, I had typed out a heartfelt response, but did so without logging in. Forgive me, I'm a newbie. :)<br />
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I just cannot begin to thank each of you enough for taking the time to respond to part of my lifes story. In 1 day I have truly gotten more inspiration and care than years of different counseling and doctors. It's so true that a person can't really appreciate what another is going through until you have been there yourself. I really don't even know how I happened onto this website, but I am so very grateful to have found this and All of You to share with. "Strength in Numbers" is ringing loudly in my head.<br />
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I do have a great doctor now, even though she is a bit scatter-brained. I can appreciate that though. I have days where I know I would lose my *** if it wasn't firmly planted to me. ;)<br />
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When I, then We, first began to think there was a problem with fertility after years of trying was a hard pill to swallow. Confirmation of it was earth-shattering. I really did, and do feel, like I am a faliure as a woman because I cannot do what is so basic for our sex...having a child. At the time, we had a wonderful relationship and I couldn't figure out why 2 good people could not have what idiots are able to do all the time. The 'Why Me" question was tearing me apart. Now I do wonder if it was Devine Intervention because of how we are now. But there is still that question in my mind of how different things could have been. Maybe better, maybe a lot worse. <br />
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I cannot blame the Hub for where we are now, it's as much my fault with just letting it go. It was easier to not pick that battle and wuss out. And now, as strange as things are, there is a comfort in living in the hell you know verses the hell you don't. I know I need to nut up and take charge. I think just even writing this down here is a step on the journey I need to be able to make life changing choices. I really was afraid to mention these problems because I did feel so alone in it. God Bless you All for being here!<br />
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Hub has never wanted, and won't step a foot into any type of counseling because as he says, "there is nothing wrong with him." What a treat it must be to love yourself that much that you are convinced that you are perfect in every way. That was bitter of me, huh? <br />
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To answer the question about being angry while having sex. No, I never was. I was angry and depressed after. The last few times before it stopped completely, he was so distant that I felt like a piece of used meat. So, it became my ritual of getting in the shower and crying where I could not be heard. Hindsight being the 20/20 that it is, I wonder if things would be a lot different if I had chosen to get angry with him and lay the issues out instead of just wrapping myself up in it. Right now, I know I will never know and most likely would not want to know what his reaction would have been. It was, and is, easier to suffer alone. I know that makes me a coward.<br />
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Please know that All of You are so Wonderful! My Best Wishes and Warm Thoughts...

have you tried seeing a doctor or talked to someone that can help you out. I have been there before so I know what your going through. Im here if you need someone to let loose with . take care and my the sun shine apon you.

Whatever the issue, your husband has abandoned you, not only sexually but emotionally. Some people have the philosophy that "oh well, you can't have it all" and no, you can't, but asking for honesty, committment, open communicaiton, love, affection and understanding and most importantly intimacy is not ALL. It's what makes marriages work and without those components, well I guess that's why so many of us have landed here.<br />
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Do not beat yourself up. I never had children, not because I didn't want them, but because I never became pregnant, ever. That's the cards some of us are dealt. Maybe it's a blessing for you. What if you had brought a child into the world with him and all this stuff started. It's much harder to make those life changing decisions when kids become part of the picture.<br />
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Be strong and keep coming back.<br />
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KFC

IFeelPain, <br />
Have you ever acted angry while having sex with your husband?

EP is counseling, to an effect. Once a person learns there are many more people going though this unexpected experience, then and only then would they consider another avenue as the possible problem. And to add icing to this otherwise deli-ma, one just might figure out that it may be something somewhat natural and mostly unobserved by the masses.<br />
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People change and it is little by little. We start to have different views on issues and preferences that may have changed along the way. Some have no earthly idea as to how to approach their spouse with their new views as they assume a predictable response from them. This then leading to a distancing from the other as to one not get hurt themselves and two not hurting the other.<br />
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Just a thought, it may or may not be your case as everyone is each and to their own.

IP, <br />
I read your other story. Please know that in this group, you are far from alone, and alone may be some comfort to you. Please hang out here and read more of the stories, and write more of your own if you feel it helps. <br />
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Are you getting any counselling for depression, or other issues?

Durham55 and ThenewTricky- thank you for responding. <br />
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I don't know if it's a low sex drive. I really don't think so. I think it's just become the norm to not be intimate with each other. And I can't lay all the blame on him, I feel numb too.<br />
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I know this will sound idiotic, but I really would feel better knowing if he is having an affair. I would be happy for him and it would make it so much easier for me to leave knowing he has someone special.<br />
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I used to think Love was the end all be all. Now I have changed my outlook. I think it's much better to really Like your spouse or signiifcant other. To be interested in the goings on. To Admire and Respect. <br />
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It's hard not to blame myself for the beginning of the end. It's my body thats messed up. I want children more than anything in the world. I just get so angry. And I am tired of being angry. <br />
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My Thoughts and Best Wishes to you both...and to Everyone else.