Tired Of Trying

All my life I have been very obsessive about sex, to the point where I was absolutley conivinced that if the guy I was with was not able to perform every single time I wanted it, then surely he did not love me.  I married very  young, and had a terrible accident.  I was unable to have sex with my husband and he had an affair. We quietly ended our marriage and I felt horrible, because he cheated.  So much of my identity was wrapped around sex. So, when I met a new man, one that was not all that big on sex, I thought what a great thing to have a man care about me for me, not what was between my legs.  It was nice, sex occasionally with no big pressure. After a year, we got pregnant and decided to get married.  After the birth of our first son, he what little interest he had in sex.

We both gained weight, slept in differnt parts of the house and stopped even touching. Thinking that there had to be a way to get him interested again I started buying all kinds of toys and sexy things. None of this worked for him. I thought maybe if I bought him a house and got him out of the apartment that he would feel more like a man and start wanting to have sex again.  Low and behold, it worked for about a day. The first day in our new house, we got pregnant for the second time.

After the birth of our second son and around the 3 year mark of our marriage, I started asking why he did not want to have sex with me.  I cired and begged and pleaded.  I told him that I felt like a baby sitter and house keeper.  I was a stay at home mom, and he was jsut so busy all the time with work. He was tired. He didn't feel good. His blood pressure was too high. His BP meds made it difficult. There was an endless stream of excuses.  The worst one was when I asked why he didn't want me anymore and he told me that "it" was different.  Of course it was different, his two children came out of there! All he could reply was, well, it's just different.

Eventually, I went back to work and now we work seperate shifts, only see one another on the weekends, and never touch. He has his couch and I have mine.  I am 29.  I have 2 children that I adore and am stuck 3,000 miles away from where all my family live.  How am I suppose to live in a marriage where I feel like a sexual predator for demanding sex once or twice a year.

I have tried to build his self-confidence, I have sung his praises and begged for affection.  What can a woman do? Just give up all hope of having sex again? Have a string of affairs? Move on with my life?  Where is there a good answer? 

Finally, eventhough sex is not an end all and be all problem, when you never get it, everything else seems a little dimmer.  Recently I told him I wanted a divorce and he begged for a second chance and promised things would be better. But at this point, even when he tries to be affectioinate, and kiss my neck, I cringe.  Because I realize that it will not lead anywhere except more work for me with no pay off.

Can anyone help? Am I just a cold heartless woman? Is there any redemption for me?  Is a divorce reallly the only answer after being together fr 7 years?

sunnymamma sunnymamma
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 11, 2010

Something struck me upon reading your story, I don't hear the voice of your children, maybe it's because they're still too young to really have their own opinion. I don't have any myself so take my view with a grain of salt. <br />
After you mentioned that you got pregnant apparently each time you and your partner had sex, I wonder if better contraception or even s vasectomy are a possible option for you and your husband. Human sexuality has never become more enjoyable than when we understood how to separate it from reproduction. I suspect that you used contraceptives and/or condoms when you had sex with others, did it feel different from sex with your husband?

"Better to come from a broken home than to live in one", M2TS.

I echo what NIL said above ... and encourage you to read a lot more of the stories here in ILIASM. You will many others in the same situation, and you will see how they have coped. You must find your own path, though.

You should not feel guilty about anything. Your choice is to accept what life has dealt you or live your life the way you design it. Sex at your age should still be an important part of your life. I believe that he has struck out.