Tonight We Dine In Hell

One day soon is going to suck. There is no way around it. To end my marriage, and it has to end, I have to hurt a woman that I love dearly, very very badly. One day soon, I am going to have to pull the trigger that ends my marriage, and say the "D" word.


And it can't be a request. It can't be an ultimatum. It must be a fact.

"We are getting divorced"

It isn't because she is a terrible wife or a terrible person. She is a good wife, a good person and a great friend.

It isn't that I love her but I'm not IN LOVE with her. It is because I hate my marriage. I hate my marriage because I can't make love to my wife. We don't have that connection, that intimacy, that meeting of souls. I've done the grunt work, done everything that I can think of and that people have suggested to me to build the attraction and turn us from friends with a contract into lovers with a marriage.

We had the wedding, I would kill to have the marriage.

Bill Burr, a comic from Boston, talked about

breaking up with a girlfriend. And though I don't have a direct quote, the jist was this: You jut have to do it. Decide that, okay, the next 4 hours of your life are going to suck. people are going to yell and cry, maybe even throw things, but you have to do it. Start with the words, "I am not happy"

Now being married, it isn't going to be 4 hours of my life sucking. I've built up some escrow in my account and it may be the next 4 years that suck, but I am not happy. I'm not happy because even though, I know I am loved, I don't feel loved. I want to feel wanted, and lusted after, and feel like someone out there is passionate about me. I want someone with whom I can have that amazing connection of being lovers in the fullest sense. I want someone that I can share a life with, and raise children with. Someone whom I can kiss passionately, and know that they aren't going to pull away if I try for more than a peck. I want someone who looks forward to making love to me. There is someone out there who won't reject me consistently and constantly. There is someone who will love me fully. But that isn't the relationship that I am in.

It is worth 4 years of pain in my life to get this.

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21 Responses Mar 11, 2010

You will never regret this decision because you understand what you have and what you want. <br />
Sometimes the reality just is what we see and feel. No magical answers, no magic pills to take, just pure honesty. Being honest is a form of love ... and love cannot be honest when we are fooling ourselves and hope to drag our spouse along for the ride ....<br />
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My ride has been 41 years .... <br />
I left after 3 years<br />
I returned ....<br />
Went outside the marriage a few times ....<br />
Stayed inside the marriage for the past 25 years hoping to "make it work"<br />
Well, it didn't .. and here I 41 years later ... a married virgin for most of my life,, wishing and hoping that he would touch me.. want to touch me .... feel passionately toward me ... <br />
Now that I have asked for a divorce ... he has made a complete turn around ... all over me .. kissing, pinching, hugging ... <br />
Problem is's too late for me .... and I don't have another 25 years to invest in a "wait and see"<br />
<br />
Sending blessings for both of you. Facing the truth is the hardest and the most rewarding experience you will ever have.

Snippy - I have to say, as someone having gone through the 'seperation' part, and currently going through the 'selling the house and starting the divorce' phase, this plays on my mind CONSTANTLY! The very fact i've felt inclined to walk away from my marriage when i hold all that marriage is, so dear to my heart....concerns me! Will i ever WANT to get married again? Will i always be worried, that years down the line, something like this could crop up? When i love someone, i love them unconditionally....and it took great strength for me to walk away from my unhappiness (but, there's a part of me that may have stuck it out, had i not been so young...well 27, and with no kids.....i felt I had a 2nd chance at a happy life before things got complicated!)....just my random thoughts, in my stage of all this....

I am right behind you. I've had the talk with her numerous times but it's ends back to where were at today- nothing changed. I love her and she is a great mother but a bad wife. I contemplated an affair first but have not pulled the trigger.The sad thing is she won't see it coming. Hurting her for short term is better than us hurting for the rest of our lives. Just my 2 cents

SO, where do we all go from here, I mean is ther an end. Who is to say the next time around will be any better, I mean if any of you were having this problem before marriage, would you have still married. So who knows that it won't happen a second time around. I took the chance the second time and it has been great, I have a wonderful husband this time around. But i was there for twenty years. the last couple of years were total without sex. But you see I married at eighteen the first time and when he was nit that into sex heck, I thought it was normal. We actually had sex about every 2-3 months untill the last five years then nothing, so yes I have been ther and have felt all of your pain.

Where you are now it is not a good thing as in your health,just remember don't leave one Woman for another I have the same experiences that you have but i am a woman.You need to chat im here

LH - I am right there with you. I figure I prepaid the pain bank and so should have just one final deposit and I am covered for life.

Adv has just joined EP today - and is 22-25 years old. No experiences listed, no info on the profile. Obviously a real gem. . . !!!!

Whoops! Adv, how much do you really know about sexless marriage? Your reply suggests you actually know NOTHING about it. If you have a genuine interest, read widely on this forum. And if you plan to offer censorious advice, please have the courtesy to know what you are talking about!

This is the reason so many marriages fail lately.There's a huge difference between loving somebody and being in love and the truth is u can be in love with anybody but u can only really love one person. People mistake feelings of passion and desire with love and that's the problem. When u get married u swear to be with this person forever, but something as simple as lack of sex is enough to destroy that promise. Truth is you'll find somebody else, fall in love again, maybe even get married again, and in the end you'll find that the same thing happen, you might get bored or find some other kind of complain. It's a vicious cicle. Sometimes all a couple needs is real communication, instead of venting here u should try actually talking to her, try and work things out, tell her everything u think and feel. Marriage is commitment, it's hard work, that's the whole point and that's how u grow together.

Enna, that is so simple and brilliant. Thank you.

I am currently going through a divorce, and our marriage was never the passionate romp i hoped it would be. We have been separated for a while now, and when i look back at our relationship, it wasn't that i didn't want to have sex, i have needs just like hot blooded woman, it was that i didn't feel like there was an emotional connection between us. I couldn't go from being yelled at about money or the house not being clean enough to being "in the mood". not saying you are treating your wife unkindly at all, but women are funny about intimacy. Intimacy with us starts way before the bedroom. It starts when you walk in the door and ask how our day was, and really listen. When you come home with our favorite take-out for no other reason than because you knew we needed a break from cooking. I always found myself pulling away rather than drawing closer to my husband because he never paid any attention to me. I was just someone who did the grocery shopping and took care of our daughter. Marriage is difficult in the best of circumstances, and the passion gets lost in the mix of the mundane day to day duties of life. I do wish you the best of luck, and i hope you find what it is you are looking for. :)

I found the biggest threat was nostalgia . . . at times you remember how it USED to be, how it COULD be, and you feel very drawn to "have one more try". At these times (and they occur after the separation too) it is very important to hold fast to the knowledge that your impulse is based purely on NOSTALGIA. That is no reason to stay - or to go back. <br />
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But the tug can be immense and very hard to resist. I suggest you have a plan in place for when such feelings occur. My plan was to say nothing for 24 hours and if I still felt the same way in 24 hours I would cobsider staying / going back. 24 hours later I never ever chose to go back . . . . <br />
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Wishing you strength, courage, grace and calmness.

LH: Trust me, some of the other posters here (you know who you are) said it great. You may think you are crushing her, but you may be surprised how quickly she bounces back and how much more you suffer.<br />
<br />
My ex was upset because I forced him to address HIM. My ex was upset, because what was he going to say to people, my ex was upset because now he had to deal with that D on his resume. But none of it was about losing me. In fact, I believe holeheartedly that had he had the balls I would have been the one left. But he didn't have any balls. <br />
<br />
My H is so over me it's not funny. He is on all the dating sites, out at bars, he's back to his old-self. <br />
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Trust me, we are all survivors in our own way. I'll stop there because I don't want you to think I'm angry or being to harsh.<br />
Hugs,<br />

LH, I know when that day arrives it will truly suck and I hate it for you. Just know that you will live through those hours and come out the other side. After that, I believe you will feel peace in your heart because you will have removed yourself from the misery. Yes, you will probably have periods of loneliness and self-doubt, but you will no longer have that awful sense that you are in the "wrong place". And you will be free to find that special one with whom you can share your whole self.<br />
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We are here for you.

What you are doing, is very brave and commendable thing! It is what I did 6 months ago! And yes, it is painful, immensely painful! But i know, in the long run, the pain will subside and the joy and happiness and fullfilment of being with someone who wants to be with me in EVERY way a husband should want to be with his wife...outweighs it all!<br />
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I hurt my husband and his family immensely by deciding to leave (fortunately, my friends and family were right behind me)...but...needs must! PM me if you would like to talk further. You have everyone's support here! xxx

LH, sending supportive thoughts in your direction. DeGuardDog's comment is not easy to hear, but is in the end the truth.

Bless all of your hearts. sincerely. bless your hearts.<br />
sometimes the contract is about the history and what each of us has to learn from it.<br />
love is love. it is what it is. pain is worth it sometimes. then, the truth is, sometimes the pain is so unmanageable while dining in hell that one's hair is set alight so as to begin to burn the flesh. <br />
No tears or raging can sate the appetite of the flame. The desire to wear the garment of love.<br />
To feel the lush tenderness of a lover's embrace, to stroke and be stroked.<br />
We weary and wilt undeniably it the absence of this ex<x>pression. And, there are wee ones.<br />
Small sentient beings we cannot own, but for whom we must be stewards. For whom we are responsible to share the image of functional, healthy love.<br />
Bless your soul. Bless your soul. Bless your soul.

LH, you are where I was nearly a year ago - and you are right. It sucks big time. I hurt my dear Exhusband very badly too. It was heart breaking for us both. Like you, I yearned for the marriage - but it was never going to be . . . . <br />
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And I can also tell you that it IS worth it. I found the person I wanted - and the relationship you describe with such passion and eloquence. So it will be worth the pain - altho (like me) there may be times when you feel NOTHING can be worth the pain. . . <br />
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PM me if you want to unload - or ask questions about my situation. You have my sincerest wishes for a positive outcome and may you hold fast in the face of everything - knowing it is worth it because of what WILL be in your future. {{{Hugs}}}

Lonehombre, one of the first things you must do is stop deluding yourself. A woman who won't have sex with her husband is not a good wife. She may be a good housekeeper or caregiver or a good Mother but if she denies you the intimacy you need, and make no mistake it's a need, then she is by no means a good wife. If she was a good wife, sex wouldn't be a problem and you wouldn't want a divorce. I see so many on here try to defend the spouse who makes them suffer to the point of leaving, defend those same spouses as "good" ones.

Yeah, I am with you, I constantly think of me in my own place, I pick the dishes I want to have, the towels, just alot of stuff like that. I know my husband loves me too, but not in the intimate way I need, not just physically, but in the intimate sense as well. It is hard, really hard.