I Know A Refuser

Hi guys: 

I really debated sharing this story because the person is a very near and dear friend to me. 

So, I met my dear friend for dinner last week.  She and I have known each other for almost 25 years and I am also very close to her husband.  Her husband and mine are related.  I won't go into that story here.  Anyway, both of them know what the real breakdown was in my marriage. 

The interesting thing is for years I have been telling her how lonely and rejected I was in my marriage and she does the same thing to her husband.  When I asked her why, she said because it's easier to have sex with my vibrator.  It takes too much effort to have sex with him.  She enjoys sex, just not with him.  I asked her if she truly understands how much she might be hurting him and she said she has an idea, but she really avoids it at all costs.  She says she loves him, he makes a good life partner, husband and father and she feels lucky to have him, she just doesn't wan to have sex with him.

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but this to me says loud and clear, I love you as a person, but I don't find you sexually attractive.  So lets grow old together, but please don't expect me to be your sexual partner.

After trying to make her understand, I gave up.  She really doesn't want to deal with it and hopes he will just be happy with the life that she gives him.

Mind blowing. 

kungfuchic kungfuchic
46-50, F
12 Responses Mar 12, 2010

Doesn't work for me either. If I were him, I'd be look for the exit.

LH, you nailed it. Refusers do define their own reality. To use an extreme example, children who are severely abused will disassociate and disconnect from what is happening to them so that they can survive. Later, they do not realize they have twisted their ability to relate to another human being and it is a long battle to overcome this and therefore have successful relationships.<br />
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I think it is possible that at the start of the waning and refusal, that deep down, refusers recognize their attitude is not healthy and so begin the process of trying to reconcile it in their own minds. They will do anything to subvert and obscure what is happening. When the refused partner forces the issue into the light, the refuser reacts with denial. It is completely contrary to the little world in their own heads where this behavior is "normal".<br />
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I say this from the viewpoint of myself as the refuser, even though "technically" I'm not. In my marriage, there has been no sex mostly by mutual consent. I say "mostly" because I have brought it up over the years, only to have the topic dismissed as trivial. So, I think I've dealt with it by burying my head in the sand, and thinking I had no libido because there hasn't been any other way for me to survive. Thus, the "wake up" has been very scary for me.<br />
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I hope this makes sense to someone. I really didn't intend to hijack...

My H has the same attitude. Don't understand it, never will. I think they are selfish and led us to belive they wanted a sex life "with us" when they married us. Then somewhere along the line decided that having a sex life didn't mean they had to include us. <br />
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I would expect a female-refuser to listen to a girl-friend first. The fact that she refuses to listen to KFC demonstrates that things are hopeless. That refuser is broken. She is as broken and hopeless as a drunk in front of a steering wheel. <br />
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This story makes me angry -- not angry at you KFC. I am angry at your friend. Her behavior is what I describe evil. I really do not care if she does not understand what her husband desires. <br />
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I commend you for standing up against refusal. It must be difficult when the person is your friend. We need to promote solidarity in this regard. We have to be ready to muster up the courage to condemn refusal when we encounter it. <br />
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I never speak about my sexlessness with my friends. Maybe one day I will. If such conversation ever leads to the disclosure of a refuser among my friends, I hope that I have the same courage that you did.

Great job for trying...but we all know the refusers will never change. It is truly mind-blowing...and sad...and lonely...and upsetting for all of us here.<br />
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Now there may be the very rare soul that actually changes, but come on...from the thousands of stories here - please point to the ones where counseling worked and the two lived happily ever after? (Or any other method to bring about change) <br />
All I see that happens is the refuser may try...becasue they are scarfed of losing what they have, not out of love or compassion or WANT. What most describe are lackluster attempts at best. Shall I say they offer an occasional, emotionless mercy screw??<br />
But to most here that is a lot more than typical...so we take it as an improvement and try to kid ourselves that we can live that way.<br />
Sorry to be so cynical...it is just one of those days for me.<br />
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There just does not seem to be ANY "fixes" that I see here that work...really work. I am also not trying to lay blame. I'm sure there are a lot of activities, habits, personality traits from the higher sexed partners that helped cause the rift in all these relationships. <br />
It just seems when we get to the point we all seem to be at...it truly is un-repairable and we either live with the crappy situation or get out.<br />
Good Luck to all

VK: <br />
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I think in her own mind he does everything for her, she keeps herself in great shape, they have a wonderful social life toghether, etc. Now, he might very well never cheat on her, or leave her, but I am almost positive that if he didn't have a kid and was a few years younger, I don't believe he would still be there.

Sorry - caught me off guard.<br />
I wondered how you took it since you've said you've been there for 12+ years.<br />
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Maybe it is as simple as letting her know that you will find it 'shear irony' or 'expected' when he cheats. Maybe she'll listen to that.<br />
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Just letting her know that you will be on HIS side if something were to happen might wake her up. I wish I had someone telling my wife that. She might **** her pants and at least admit there is a problem - even if she doesn't do anything about it.<br />
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I back you. Just a little trigger happy today.

I do respect her less. I still love her as my friend, but knowing that she refuses him makes me angry. Do I think he is okay with this, NO FKG WAY. He has never come right out and said it to me, but I know he enjoys sex and has a normal sex drive. I know that they had a very normal sex drive til the child came along 15 years ago, and while I can't swear to it, I would say that if not for his kid, he would be out of there. He encouraged me to take action toward the door in my own situation, and I am married to his brother.<br />
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Calm down Meat boy, I am on your side. . . LOL It does suck. And if you want to know the truth I was almost yelling at her out of desperation. But refuser means that she not only refuses sex, but refuses to listen too.

Absolutely mind blowing, KFC! She hopes that he will be happy with the life she is giving him, but it surely doesn't sound as if she cares much. She is happy, and that's what counts for her. There is an incredible degree of selfishness in a refusing partner. I wonder if she is that honest with him.

That is just plain old mean and ruthless of her. She knows and yet she won't do anything about it. I will just assume (as enna pointed out) that he is NOT OK with it. Most of us aren't so % says he isn't.<br />
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You know, it's easier for me to just order out than cook. Or hire a maid instead of cleaning the house myself. Or make the kids clean the kitchen instead of me. But, being easier to just ignore intimacy instead of the whole enchilada? You said it: mind blowing.<br />
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I hate to say it, but if she knows how you felt and is doing the same thing your husband did to you - then how good of a friend is she really? That is about the most controlling, evil thing someone could do out of complete and utter selfishness.<br />
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I mean really - she enjoys sex, just not with him. How does she know this? Is she having sex - just not with him - to know this?<br />
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I realize you are the messenger, but this is treasonous on an ILIASM scale.

Have you any idea how her husband feels? We all recognise that if both partners are OK with the sexlesness it can work well.<br />
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I too have a good friend who is a Refuser - and I know for a fact her husband has been having affairs for the last 30 years at least! Seems they have found a way to compromise - but this would not suit me. I'm an "all or nothing at all" girl I think . . . .

KFC, you gave it the old college try and represented the warriors here. But you know she will never listen to you. Even if her husband expresses how much he is hurting, she still may not listen (as we all know). <br />
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I wonder, do you feel less warmly towards her because of this? Do you not like her as much because her mask has been lifted and she's been revealed to be "One Of Them"?