Good, And So Sad, Not To Be Alone Anymore. Thank God For This Group.

As I read through this group yesterday, a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  For more than 10 years I have been dying a slow death in a sexless marriage.  And it isn't simply the sex, but ANY sort of intimacy.  A hug, a smile, fingers through my hair.  God I'm lonely.

All this time I thought that there must be something wrong with ME.  I mean, what kind of loser can't even get laid at home?  What did I do wrong?  What am I not doing right?  Am I not attractive?  For a long time I have been trying to tell myself that it isn't me, that there is something wrong with my wife. 

We have beautiful children and had great sex before and the first few years of our marriage.  Then it just disappeared.  My wife felt horrible about her figure after we married but I never looked around at others, and never treated her differently.  I knew she had gained weight giving me children, so it didn't bother me.  Later my wife lost the weight, but the sex never returned.  I then wondered if she was worried about getting pregnant again.  That was until she had surgery.  Now that isn't possible.  But still, no intimacy.

I have asked, and begged, my wife to seek help.  I have explained how our cold bed and home are impacting not only me, but our children.  I tell her constantly that I love her and need her.  The last year or two, I have reached the end.  I now tell her that I am scared I will stray from her if she doesn't get help and come back to me.  Some have said that I am being unfair with an ultimatim, but how unfair is it?  More than 10 years of this slow death.  I feel like I can't do this one more day, but I drag on for my kids.

Does anyone else feel like this?  Please, let's help one another.

I live in southern Ontario, in Canada.  I need to find, really need to find someone in the same boat to spend a day with, perhaps a night with.  I can't breathe anymore.  I can't.  I am being slowly sucked dry of any life or emotion and I don't think anyone deserves to feel like this.  I am a good person and I have NEVER strayed from my marriage.  But I can't go on like this.  If I had no children, then I would leave.  Truly.

If you are as lonely as I am, and you live near me, then contact me at twointhetub at ho t ma il.  I need some intimacy.  A touch.  A smile.  An understanding glance.  I'm running out of air.

papamoose papamoose
41-45, M
11 Responses Mar 12, 2010

I too, am sorry to read of your desperately sad story papamoose! But, as many have said here, you are most definitely in good, and 'understanding' company! It brought a HUGE amount of clarity and 'appreciation' of my own situation and has helped me tremedously, to deal with it. Read and post, read and post! You really are NOT alone! What your wife is doing is unfair and a breach of her marriage vows to you all those years ago! She IS slowly killing you! God, i was suffocating BIG style in my own sexless marriage (fortunately for me, there are/were no kids involved, so my decision to leave, after MUCH effort to resolve things failed, was a little bit easier....) For now, absorb yourself in things that DO make u feel happy, don't jump into anything u might later regret (plenty of time for that later depending on your decision) and spend some time on'll be worth it i promise! Good luck and let us know how u get on! Ultimatum it may be....but at least you're giving her a CHOICE....she isn't doing the same for you....that's WRONG and UNFAIR and she NEEDS to know this....don't feel bad about telling her so! Otherwise you really will live and lonely, desperately sad life...which no one deserves (unless they CHOOSE to) Peace and strength to you my friend xxx

I'm sorry to hear your story pappamoose, it sounds all too much like mine. Like you our options with kids that depend on us to provide a stable, and at least happy in appearance home for them, are limited. Someone responded in my thread, that by the time we wander in here, it is all too often too late to expect change. So what's a lonely husband to do..... or a lonely wife..... I think you know where the solution lies. Best of luck, do remember that you are a good person, and I'm sure you've tried your best.

Hello Pappamoose<br />
Im another male from ontario and i sympathize with what you are going through. You have been very honest and upfront with your wife, something I had to do with my own. I too have been very dedicated to my wife and been pushed away when intimate attempts were made. Like you I have given everything to her and received very little back emotionally or intimately. Stay strong and if you would like to chat more, let me know.

We posted a similar story on the same day -you 10 years me 8. That just shows how common this situation is and how we can all relate. I've been reading the other postings. Hugely beneficial and eye opening! Good luck papamoose!

Papamoose, you are not alone. This happened to me in my marriage as well, and for 12 years I <br />
battled it out...yes, it's exhausting. In my case I had the issue like you, of the sakes of my children, and also my firm belief in the 'covenant' of marriage b/w two people and God. I AM so glad I stuck it out and exhausted every avenue for help and, tried every marriage conference and counseling etc. We were at such an impasse. I thought I would set free of that prison of that marriage but we did eventually divorce. The lack of intimacy is very painful, the emotional and psychological 'abuse' in my mind is worst than anything. But when you've been so 'beat up' by a lifeless marriage, and the pain and rejection caused bc of the others mistreatment of takes a good while, to heal from the negative affects. That is my concern for you now. Finally after all was said and done it came down to a lack of respect that we each had for each other. This is why the 'intimacy' was shut down. You may have stayed clear of resentment up to now, but when will that end? Could this be the case with your wife...? Has she lost respect for you bc of something you've done or said or whatever? It doesn't even have to be a specific 'sin', it can be two truly incompatiable ppl who've made a lifelong commitment, then, after a few years discover they really are not good for each other and you already have children to nuture and provide for and want to protect. but nonetheless, her inability to be with you has a root cause. In your assessment, do you feel that the marriage is 'dead'? You may have to divorce in order to 'save' yourself. I know for me, 12 years was a long time to suffer. I was seriously questioning how much longer I cd go on, without losing my sanity. Side note: my children are young adults now and are well adjusted without any major issues, despite the tradegy that divorce is, they're okay. I hope this helps, my friend, let us hear how your doing. God Bless

You have found the right place here. The compassion of the members in this group is boundless. The irony of it all though is that we get more understanding and support from online group members than from our RL partners.

Thanks to all who have lent their support and understanding to my message. It really does help. I will be coming back often. Also, as soon as I am not as emotionally distraught, I will try to lend my support to others as well. Thank you so much.

An ultimatum is fair. . . . .what isn't fair is her forcing you into celibacy.<br />
<br />
It sounds like you are near the end of the sexless marriage rope. She needs to know this.<br />
<br />
In the meantime continue to read and share here. Continue to focus on yourself and your kids and things that make you happy.......because trying to change her feelings towards sex and affection may be a moot point and will result in even more anger and resentment =(

papamoose,<br />
<br />
You explain your situation in such a heartfelt and honest way and we can all feel your pain because it is ours too. The more your wife exhibits her inability to show you one vestige of love the easier it will be for you to remove yourself from this situation and find another more appreciative lover. We tend to keep hanging on to our present existence until our marriages get really bad before we make a move. It seems that you may have finally reached this stage.

I'm glad you found us here! You are not alone and nothing is wrong with you. Read, read, read and you will see the common threads we all share.<br />
<br />
As far as your ultimatum, how is it unfair of you when you are simply telling her the truth?

Hey Papamoose, <br />
Hail fellow southern Ontarian. Can't offer more than a coffee at Tim's, but if that would help ...<br />
<br />
Keep reading here. You're in excellent company.