Eight Years And Counting

My marriage has been sexless and cold for 8 years now.   The lack of intimacy is not just the sex.  There is no hugging, no touching, no fun spontaneous dancing, no coming up from behind and massaging the shoulders (like there used to be.)   Simply it is a marriage without the warmth of love.  It is not exactly a shining roll model either.  I have a  daughter.  Just the two of us were talking two months ago.  In a rare moment, the subject of her parent's relationship came up.  I pointed out that she may have noticed that her mother and I aren't very affectionate to each other like a lot of other parents.  She said "Dad no kidding.  I know.  I've known for years."  

In response to the rejection I decided to channel my energies to self improvement both mentally and physically.  (And like many of you, I have developed new and old skills and hobbies.)  These changes have made no difference whatsoever.  I now feel I was extremely nieve to think they would.   Even if she recognized all this and thus expressed a desire to have sex I wouldn't trust the sincerety of it.  So that is an abreviated version of my marriage over the last 8 years.  The question now is should I continue this charade or should I get out.  But I do not want my children hurt by the upheaval.

Liv2laf Liv2laf
51-55, M
8 Responses Mar 12, 2010

of all of the stories on here, this is by far the saddest IMO.<br />
your wife has done everything she can, but u just dont get it!!!!!<br />
she does not love you anymore, and never will again!<br />
the lack of sex, is no longer the problem in your relationship!!!!<br />
you are!!!!!!<br />
i know it is hard to hear, but it needs to be said none the less!!!!!<br />
if I were personally in your situation, i would give money to a friend, to hire someone to come over and hit me in the head with a 2/4, every day that i was still in this "relationship". It might take a few days, but i would take comfort in knowing that i would be getting out of this "hell", I put myself in, whether by realizing the 2/4 hurt to much, or the fact i would be in an actual coma,death, than living in the loveless death, i am already in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you everyone for your extremely encouraging and inciteful comments and suggestions. These are very helpful in making easier the (in my opinion) two hardest things we can do as humans -make decisions and change. I will definitely burn the midnight oil reading other stories in ILIASM. Thisisnotenough asked how old are my children. They are 17 and 19.

Don't regret looking after yourself - even if it idn't have the result you hoped for. Taking good care of yourself is invaluable in maintaining your own health - and your self esteem.

L2L,<br />
How old are your kids? Am just curious. But I agree they are already seeing what is going on in your marriage, and see you staying. I've done the same thing over the years, and regret it so much. It took me many years to see that this relationship was not exactly the poster child for a healthy marriage. So all of these years I've done what I thought was right and fair for our child and my Husband, guess that is the caregiver in me. But now it is time to do what is right for myself as well. It does affect your health, and it most definately has affected mine. And I do want to be a good role model for our son, if it's not too late.<br />
<br />
Good luck to you, and please do read many stories here, it does help, and it has helped me to see my life with more clarity.

Liv2Laf,<br />
<br />
I recently read a book and it said;<br />
<br />
"The key is to size up the relationship for what it gives you, not what its potential is." <br />
<br />
<br />
It seemed to make sense to me.

Liv2Laf, <br />
Almost all of the thousands of members in thi ILIASM group "know because I'm just like you". Please read lots more stories and forum posts here. In the forum right now there's a thread called "getting to know you". Post more more stories, if it helps you. You are not alone.

Your children are already being hurt. Your daughter knows the truth and she sees you staying. Odds are, if her own marriage becomes sexless, she will endure the same pain as you to protect her children from "being hurt". Ask yourself if you'd want to see her going through what you're going through. If not, then you know it's time to make a change. <br />
<br />
I know because I'm just like you.

what do you want is it sex what do you want