What Now?

My husband and I have been married going on 4 years..our sex life within the last year has gone down hill..to practically nothing..I believe it has been 3 months since we have made love..I am very sexual and we have talked, he blames it on the meds he is on and I know they can effect the sex drive, but it the total loss of intamancy that I am missing..I told him I need to feel his touch, that doesn't mean sex all the time, but a hand on mine..a kiss, a snuggle..he says he understands, loves me like he has never loved anyone and wants to grow old with me.....but I don't know how to react to this anymore, I feel so undesirable..unwanted..I know that I shouldn't blame myself..but how do you not?..I have always felt making love was the ultimate way of showing your love for someone..the closeness..the spiritual connect..and I really don't know how to deal with not having that..


I have been in 3 major relationships in my life..the first having a good sex life..the second having a sex life that would blow your mind...and now to this..I feel so sexually frustrated..I do take care of my self OFTEN..but I want to feel the human contact..

needing2feel needing2feel
41-45, F
5 Responses Mar 13, 2010

Thank you everyone, though I hate seeing anyone in this situation it is nice to beable to talk about it..cuz I can't seem to get through to him how much it hurts..<br />
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James, thank you for getting the spiritual connect thing..I know we can't have everything we want wrapped up in one person (I think we all deserve that, but that is not reality) ..so it seems we settle sometimes..make excuses..but I don't want to settle..I want to feel !! I am so afraid that this is going to break me down..make me numb if that makes sense..turn off myself..I have always been so passionate and I don't know what to do with not being able to release that..okay I am sorry if I am going on and on..not making sense..but the thing is I am trying to really wrap my mind around this and it isn't working..lol..<br />
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and comment, its most appreciated.!

How do you not blame yourself? Answer: different people have different sex drives that affect their thinking about sex... your DH has no need for sex in his life and therefore projects this on you... he is oblivious to your need to feel. It is not you ... IT IS HIM... so stop blaming yourself.<br />
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Let me add that I love your description of what sex is to you: "I have always felt making love was the ultimate way of showing your love for someone..the closeness..the spiritual connect..and I really don't know how to deal with not having that." Yes.. I agree and I think many of us that suffer from our spouses withdrawal of sex suffers so because it is such an important part of living for us... a part that we don't stop needing just because they have no need for it.<br />
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hugs<br />
james<br />

The absence of intimacy is a HUGE factor for many of us here. It is very difficult to remain loving and connected with someone who treats you as a room mate only.<br />
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Medications can be a problem - but in many cases these can be substituted with an alternmative that has less serious side effects. Has your husband fully explored these options?<br />
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Bew aware that many sexless spouses are NOT keen to find solutions to this problem - because for them, it is NOT a problem.<br />
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You may need to make it really clear to him that, much as you want to remain married to him, his current behaviour (or lack of it!) is a genuine deal breaker . . .

Feeling violent today, V? First rubber hoses, now nails? <br />
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Need, my husband does the promise thing too. I don't really even listen anymore. <br />
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Welcome, though I'm sorry you need to be here.

He blames it on the meds..Says Viagra gives him a headache..he says he finds me desirable but then nothing happens..he will say things like "wait up for me tonight..I want to make love to my wife"..then comes home, has a head ache..back hurts..stomach hurts..and I end up going to bed by myself..