Newbie

Hello all,

I don't know where to start.  My husband and I were separated for a long time.  He suffered a heart attack in '99 and although we reunited, we were living in different cities until '03.  The first night he was unable to get an erection.  After that he wouldn't try anymore.  He did however want oral sex.  Over the years he has stuck to this.  Last year he informed that he doesn't try because in 2005 I told him I didn't like oral sex and wouldn't do it.  What I told him was that our sexual relationship should be satisfying for both or us and that if it can't be then I would feel I am nothing more than a ***** receptical. Not in those words. In 2005 there was no attempt from him or me to have sex.  I remember because my sister was terminal with breast cancer and we moved in with her. When ever I bring up sex he uses the same excuse. I have suggested more times than I can recall that he get Viagra or a pump thinking that would make him feel better if he knew you wouldn't fail. He refuses and when I mention it to him he acts as if he has forgotten that one doctor gave him Viagra and he wouldn't use it.  Another doctor gave him a referral for the pump three times but he refused to get it.  Now he is saying this never happened and refuses to make any effort to have intercourse. In addition he came back an alcoholic and when I look at him in a drunken stupor or spread out from his intoxication it makes me sick and  totally turns me off. It seems like a no win situation. 

Majesti Majesti
56-60, F
4 Responses Mar 13, 2010

I have to disagree with Philjay72........At this point you need to get out of this situation. While I don't judge those who have affairs, in your case I would be very discreet if you chose this avenue. . . .. . . . . . . . .drunks are so unpredicitable and the last thing anyone needs is for this SOB to turn physically violent on you.

What has made you stay this long? I'm not saying you shouldn't have I just haven't from your post gleaned any reason to stay...

If you love him and you cant leave you need to give him a huge big wake up call / damascus moment of your own. I think you may need to start thinking about an affair. If another man started to text you, ring you... if in the evening when he has his 1st drink you said "Im just going upstairs to get ready and go out" and then you went out to enjoy yourself (with someone else or alone) then he might start thinking - long and hard. If he doesnt and you come home and he's still sprawled on the sofa then you havent lost anything. There are different reasons people parasite from others..... mainly it's because they are allowed to do it. Good luck.

Dear lady, time to leave him (or kick him out) for the last time. This man is not a husband to you - he is a parasite. I have sympathy for addicts and for those with ED - but NO sympathy for those who flatly refuse to do ANYTHING to help themselves.<br />
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Furthermore he is not only refusing to help himself, he is refusing to do anything for your relationship - which labels him as selfish as well as lazy . . . <br />
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I can well understand why you do not find him attractive! Just to let you know - Refuser spouses often fix on one instance where their partner expressed unwillingness or similar, and use this as their excuse for not trying, etc.<br />
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Treat this with the contempt it deserves. That incident was in 2005 - it is now 2010. Is he such a delicate little flower he needs five years to recover from a (perfectly reasonable) comment? I don't think so. It just serves his purpose to be able to blame you.<br />
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You deserve a real life - whether it is alone or with another person. You do not deserve your current situation. Please read widely here and find support, information and everything you need to bolster your own resolve. Then LEAVE!!!