I Don't Know What To Do

I am 27 years old. I am an Army veteran of the Iraq war and am currently a graduate student at Georgetown University. My wife and i were married in August of this past year (2009). We had been together for two years before that and have now been married for 8 months. I would say for nearly a year before we got married we had been having sex less and less. I never said anything although I was getting very frustrated. I didn't know if I was doing anything wrong, so I made an attempt to compliment her more, to try to boost her confidence, buy her nice and/or expensive gifts on her birthday or some special occasion. I worked out more and more b/c I thought maybe she wasn't physically attracted to me. it was hurting my confidence, I felt unattractive, unwanted. Although I was modeling and acting and had an agent getting me work at the time. I'm very outgoing, I'm funny and gregarious and likeable. She is also very attractive and very fit. Everyone thinks we are this perfect couple who are going to make beautiful children. But it was tearing me up inside. She at one point while we were out drinking randomly told me she was going to go the the Dr. to get new birth control pills b/c she thought the ones she was on had been decreasing her sex-drive. I was ecstatic and thought that that might be the answer to the problem. But I realized as the months went by and nothing changed that it was not the pills. It is now at the point where we may have it once or twice a month, but I feel it is only to placate me. To make matters worse, I can't last as long as I used to b/c of how little we do have sex. The last time she told me before we started to hurry up b/c she was hungry.

I have tried talking to her, but she tunes me out, becomes very defensive and tried to turn things on me. Tonight she pretended she didn't hear me and was continuing to fill out a form that she was taking with her to the DENTIST. I was opening up to her and telling her how it was making me feel. It starts making me angry, and resentful then leaves me dejected, rejected, and depressed. I feel rejected constantly. She told me tonight that she doesn't even want to cuddle up with me on the couch b/c she thinks I will interpret that as a sexual signal and start in on her. This is BS b/c for the last two months, as I've been reading more and more I took their advice and have given her plenty of space and have not attempted to initiate anything. This is mostly a result of the last talk we had she said that I never gave her a chance to initiate sex b/c I was constantly doing so. Something that I think is more of an excuse than a symptom or answer b/c I do not think that I CONSTANTLY am trying to hump her leg like a dog as she makes it out to be. I mean, at this point I would be happy having sex once a week, something that kills me. So I gave her her space and didn't initiate and still nothing. I haven't gotten a bj from her since months before we were married. When I tell her that it is something that I enjoy sometimes, she said that she doesn't like to do it and shouldn't have to. It baffles me b/c I do things for her to try to make her happy. I try to put her first, but when she says things like that to me it makes me feel like she doesn't care. Isn't this selfish? As she was just sitting there looking at me like I was an idiot, I asked her to say something. She said she had nothing to say because this conversation annoys her b/c she has heard it a hundred times before from me. So why hasn't she tried to do anything? I don't understand, I'm pouring my heart out to her telling her how miserable I am and she tells me she has heard it a hundred times before, yet does nothing. She tells me that she doesn't think this is such a big deal. When I tell her that it doesn't matter that SHE thinks this is a big deal, it is the fact that I THINK this is a big deal she tried to turn it on me as though I'm being an a-hole and selfish b/c i don't care about how she feels. That is not true. It is a diversion  I am trying to tell her, just like in one of the books I've read says, "In a loving couple, when one spouse has a problem, the other one can't act as though it doesn't exist. Your wife is telling you, in effect, that she doesn't care how miserable you are." And this is exactly how I feel. If she says she's heard this song so many times before what is worse is that she has done NOTHING to try to address the issue. she ignores it as though it doesn't exist. I bought two books, two months ago that I've read on the issue and have asked her to read them. She has yet to pick them up. She says she has no time as she works full time and comes home and goes to school online. But she maybe spends a half hour with school when she gets home, and then watches TV... every night. I understand she is tired, but I think that if she thought it was important she could take a half hour a night and read at least one of the books. they're like 150 pages. She could read it in a week. But she has no time???

I try to explain to her that I love her (I do) and that I don't want to be with anyone else (I don't). I am sexually attracted to her She thinks this is an excuse for me to get out of our marriage and then she told me to go find it somewhere else. She also thinks I am doing this b/c i want to have sex with other women. This is BS and I think an excuse. I've asked her to talk to a doctor, to go to marriage counseling, and told her that i would do whatever it took to help fix things. She thinks it is unreasonable for me to ask her to change. She doesn't like to talk about things, and she doesn't feel like having sex...and it is unreasonable for me to ask her to change?? I'm asking her to work on something that I think is imporant to our marriage. Nothing is working. I know we should go to marriage counseling, and I'm planning on setting it up and telling her I'm going and that if she'd like she can join me. I'm miserable, and to top things off I'm in a ridiculously time intensive Master's program at Georgetown. So being busy and having this weight on my shoulders is nearly unbearable.....I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO




Hoya27 Hoya27
26-30, M
14 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Honey, I'm a psychology major, so let me tell you from now she has issues; you're not the problem.<br />
Try and see if you can get her to go to couples counseling. Use her agruments of you trying to get her in bed via flattering and nice compliments/gesteures and turn them around. Try telling her that she needs to figure where she sees your relationship going from here. Sex is not the only problem you guys have, and she needs to realize that and see how she wants your situation to play out. Also make your feelings about the entire situation very clear, be assertive. For example, say things like "when you do or say "x" that makes me feel like y"). Its important that she understand how you feel when she says or does specific things. <br />
Hope this helps!<br />
Best of luck

i can tell you something, once i made my husband feel the same way your wife is making you feel. I know its not right to make someone feel that way but the only thing that passed trough my mind was that i was bored and stressed. he tried to talked to me a lot of times till one day he make me realized that i was wrong he said "why just tell me why, you are like this to me, i might deserved it but i don't see its fair because you don't tell me whats wrong, what do i need to do " . I really didn't know if to laugh or to cry, to talk or to stay quiet, at the end i found the problem with me i really needed some excitement something to change the schedule we had . since then he'll always surprised me with a joke to go for a walk just like when we where going out but every day was a new surprise. hope my story might help because its the same one we had.

You are young, too young to be stuck in a relationship with no passion, no sex, and someone who doesn't have the same desire for you, that you have for them. It makes you feel dead inside, to not be wanted by the person you love. You can not make her want you, you can not change her, the only person you can change is you. You have to think, "do I want to live the rest of my life this way" If you have a child, I hate to tell you, it will be even worse, she'll have even less time, and her sex drive will be even lower.She doesn't want to change...hate to ask, but do you think she's seeing or saw anyone when you were gone? I hate to play devils advocate but???? I married a guy, for a very short time, and got out of it, when I found out I did not want to be loaded down with all the baggage that being with him would bring. It wasn't worth sacrificing myself, my life, my emotions, for a "lifetime". Think about it. Think about what you want for your life, some people can live without passion in their life, can you? Sex is not everything but its sounds like you are "cut off" emotionally" too. I wish you the best, :-)

Before you do anything to end your marriage maybe you could try this. If she changed right around the time you went to Iraq or got back she could be clinically depressed and without medication she will not get over it. When people thought I was going to die they pulled away from me, it's human nature or self preservation of sorts. The other thing is that she should have her hormone levels checked. Sometimes when people go through very stressful situations it plays havok on their hormones and imbalances occur. If her estrogen levels dropped suddenly (losing weight fast) then these are exactly some of the symptoms she might have (along with others). Also the thyroid can get messed up when a person's under a lot of stress. You can't hate someone who you don't love. If she's not into the couseling maybe you could strongly urge her to get a physical and try to mention the to the nurse who works for her doctor. Make like you're not looking to get confidential information on her only to relay information that might better help the doctor to look for certain things. It looks like the comments I've read so far for you are all sound, good advice. I'll pray for a happy ending for you whatever that ending may be.

I think you are a very sensitive person. Try more, but if your relationship goes worse, you can always find someone who can love you back just as you do and appreciate you. Regretting this 20 years later is not a good option.

Yeah, the more I hear about " accidental " pregnancies, the more I want to puke!

Your wife is a CLASSIC refuser! I think I read every single sign in your story! I won't summarise these because you know them only too well unfortunately.<br />
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What I will say is GET OUT NOW! It is only 8 months into your marriage. You have no kids. I know it seriously SUCKS but do put your mind forward eight years, eighteen years, twenty eight years - well, you get the picture!<br />
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And be VERY careful about having sex with your wife now because I stronly suspect that an "accidental" pregnancy could result . . . Once you make a decision your attitude will start to be apparent to her - and she may well decide that the best way to hang onto what she already has is to fall pregnant . . . <br />
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But sadly, hanging onto what she has doesn't mean she wants YOU. It means she wants a husband, a marriage, to look "normal" to the outside world, to have a family, etc. etc. Nowhere does the essential "YOU" figure in her plans. If you did, she would be much more aware of your needs and how you are feling. <br />
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I'm so very sorry for you - but nowe is the time to end this farcical marriage and be free to find a woman who truly loves YOU.

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO: Divorce and tell your wife to **** off. <br />
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Seriously. You should no longer accept mind games from your wife. Stop asking her to read books and stop asking her to go to counselling -- they will do no good because your wife no longer loves you. I hate the thought of adding to your sadness. You do not deserve this nonsense. However, you need clarity. <br />
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If she did love you, she would gladly join you in counselling. She avoids counselling because she does not want to tell you the truth. <br />
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" She thinks this is an excuse for me to get out of our marriage and then she told me to go find it somewhere else. She also thinks I am doing this b/c i want to have sex with other women. This is BS and I think an excuse. " <br />
You are right. It is a bullshit mind-game that she is playing. She is struggling and flailing crappy excuses out because the truth of her actions and feelings are even uglier. Your wife telling you to get sex elsewhere is a huge red flag. It means that marital fidelity means nothing to her and she knows it means something important to you. She has already tuned you out of her heart if not with her actions. <br />
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Actually, if you leave her, you would be doing both yourself and herself a great kindness. If you are lucky, you may hear the truth in a few decades.

She's just not into you and nothing is going to change her. No matter how strong your love is for her. I know your heart is breaking and she was all you thought about while you were away. It's incredibly sad when your image of how you wanted your life is just not going to happen with this person but you are young, handsome and fit. Your friends all love you and you're FUNNY! Take this from almost 30 years of unhappy marriage. Please be kind to yourself, rack it up to imaturity(married too young) Thank you so much for your service.

The military can take a toll on relationships. What was the time line of your marriage, deployment and when the sex life took a dive? She may have pulled away before the deployment to protect herself because she knew you were leaving. And it's hard to adjust when our spouses come back. (my husband was military for 10 years)<br />
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But what worries me is that she is not willing to work with you at all. She's heard that you're in pain and won't even try to alleviate it. I think it's a good step that you're going to counseling.

I don't tell people to leave their marriages. Everyone has to choose their own path. But I will tell you this. If you feel like your soul is crushed already and you are only into it a short period of time, set a time fr<x>ame. If she doesn't want to work on the marriage, she is leaving you know choice. Trust me, you don't want to still be here in 5,10, 15 years. <br />
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You have your entire life ahead of you. Be with someone that really wants to be with you.

Thank you so much for your words of support. They are all very helpful and comfort me in knowing that other people understand what I'm going through and how I feel. I don't want to get a divorce, but am not totally ruling it out if she is unresponsive. I wrote that I'm an army vet, but that does not mean that I am a commanding and domineering person as one has suggested. If you have read my story I don't see how you could get that I am a domineering person. This morning she drove me to campus and didn't say a word the whole time....This is all crazy b/c I'm such a fun person to be around. I'm very popular with my classmates, and am picked up on constantly by other women, although I have held my ground. I'm not saying this to be boastful. Far from it, b/c I'm depressed. I've been through hell in Iraq, where I had my soul ripped and had a long time adjusting. I finally did and everything was fine. But I haven't been depressed like this since I got back from Fallujah, and these depressed feelings are bringing those depressed feelings back and I'm trying to deal with both of them at the same time now. I'm tired of being sad

Unfortunately, your story sounds like mine… 10-12 years ago. I am still in it. It hasn't changed. I did many things you are speaking of - giving more room, trying to be more romantic, understanding, etc.<br />
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I hate to tell you this (and I think you already know the answer), but there will always be excuses. You can fix the ones she brings up immediately only to have them be replaced by others. I feel very sad for you. She has settled down in some weird 'comfort' zone of a marriage (in her eyes). This is not what you signed up for - it isn't what any of us signed up for. But, it's reality.<br />
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If only I had somewhere to go, or even seen it as soon as you have I wouldn't be here right now. I have 3 kids who need me and have resigned myself to them. Do what you think is necessary - everything you think is necessary. Then, if nothing has worked, you know you tried. Then move on (it is sad, but do you want to still be here in 10 years?).

If you don't have kids yet, get out. A lifetime of this is too much to ask of anyone; I know. You can part as friends, and life goes on. I PROMISE that life goes on. You just want different things and it's okay to pursue your own happiness. I look at it this way: before marriage and after marriage. If she's not treating you the same way she did as before, then don't you feel like you've been sold a lie? <br />
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Splitting up is not some big black mark on your record. If there aren't kids, at least you can walk away saying you tried your best but it's time to go so nobody suffers more. <br />
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It sounds like you're genuinely headed in the right direction with your life sans the wife. You can't ultimatum her to change, you can only control you. What's to lose? LIFE AWAITS.