Building Resentment...

I have been married for a little over two and a half years.  When we were dating, the sex was incredible.  I'm not bad looking, but i definitely get that i have somehow snagged a girl that is out of my league.  She is one of the few women I know that can look classically gorgeous and achingly sexy at the same time.  And the more time we spend together, the more attractive she becomes to me.  We used to have sex once every day or two, sometimes (weekends) it would even be several times a day.  Then, I proposed to her.  Until our wedding day, the day she said yes was the happiest day of my life.  Shortly after we were engaged, she said that she had been feeling guilty about having sex outside of marriage.  This was actually a very good thing because it led to both of us becoming strong Christians.  So i thought that once we got married, life would get...fun again.  It most definitely has not.  On average, since our wedding, we have had sex about once a month, and that is dipping off to about once every 6 weeks.  And when we do have sex, it is usually prefaced with "hurry up."  I love my wife, she is the most wonderful person and I am so fortunate that we are sharing our lives together, but i find myself becoming bitter and resentful because of this.  I'm in med school right now and want to wait a little bit before having children, but she talks about having kids all the time.  That she is excited to have kids is great, I am too, what makes me resentful is that she wants to have kids but she doesn't want to go through the actions that cause the creation of kids.  Our lack of sex problems existed before her burning desire to have children, and I am concerned that when we are at the place to have kids, I will be so bitter and resentful that I will not have sex with her.  We've talked about this, and I got a lot of the same excuses and reasons that a lot of other guys here have gotten. 


Well, anyway, it is good to get this out, thanks to anyone who read it.

baustin11111 baustin11111
26-30, M
26 Responses Mar 15, 2010

We all, in our own way, don't want anyone else to live the hell we have. We've tried romance, backing off, books, counseling and everything else in the world. <br />
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The only constant I have read is that the refusing spouse has to want to change. Nothing can force it and there's no way to make her "get" that you're miserable. She knows, but her not having to have sex with you is less important to her than having a healthy marriage with you. <br />
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We all loved our spouses when we got married, but I can guarantee you that almost every one of us would not marry our spouse if we could go back and do it again. The lack of caring stomps out the love eventually and it's absolute hell getting to that point.<br />
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The only advice I have is counseling and if you're spouse is religious, going to your pastor or someone else she respects. I honestly hope that it can get through to her.

Dude, i read some of your stuff. I now have a better understanding of where you are coming from and I am sorry, it sounds like you have a very rough home life. I also saw that you attend mass, and I heard it said once that the greatest representative god has on earth is a healthy Christian marriage, so I am sorry for how yours is working out. I pray it gets better.

It is wholly bizarre that you interpret my recommendation as " doing wrong " because what I recommended is not wrong. I recommended something that is right. You might want to spend some time introspecting and exploring why you think certain things are morally wrong. <br />
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In the mean time, vent away. We all do it. When I first found this group, I felt EXACTLY like you. Seriously. Read some of the bullshit I wrote. <br />
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Go ahead and wait for your wife to wake up -- if she ever does. I understand what you mean by saying that you can live without sex. I did that for several years. I was a virgin when I got married at the age of 30whatever and I do not regret that one bit. It was worth the wait. However, after getting married, the refusal is more than refusing sex. Married people need intimacy and your wife is refusing that. God was damn serious when He said your bodies are joined as one. <br />
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Just keep venting. In less than six months, you will understand more fully why you choose to title your story: BUILDING RESENTMENT

thank you, i appreciate the thoughts. But you almost all told me not to love her unconditionally. Almost everyone said divorce her if she wont give it up. That sounds pretty conditional to me.

OK - back to enna30's comment.<br />
You probably shouldn't be here now. You may have jumped the gun.<br />
Remember, we do understand and we are trying to help. I don't believe anyone here told you not to lover her unconditionally - so keep doing it. Hopefully some truth will come of it.<br />
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I wish you luck.

Wow, how wonderfully manipulative, and her doing wrong does not justify my doing wrong. The only person i have control over is me, so I am going to live my life as best as I can. Some people live without medicine, without food, without parents or money. I live without sex, it could be worse. And the peace, joy and love i get from her far outweighs what i don't get enough of.

I like the " WE will check it out." part. Read all the books you want but you can not read for your wife. <br />
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" I asked how i could get her to understand how important this is, not "should i divorce my wife" " <br />
Yeah but divorcing your wife is going to be the only way to get her to understand how important this is. I hate offering that advice because I think divorce is a sin but the truth is that you can seek an annulment because she is not fulfilling her marital end of the bargain. <br />
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You can always remarry her again after she figures out how important this is to you. That is actually a clever plan. Tell her: " I will split up and wait one more year ( which is ridiculously generous but given that you want to wait all your life, it should be acceptable between the two of you) for you to figure out how important this is to me. Call me when you want to have sex. The Church ( or our local statesmen ) will still consider us married anyway so we are not doing anything wrong. All you have to do is trust me that I will stay faithful and I will trust you to stay faithful too. If you do not come figure out how important this is in a year, then our marriage is annulled -- which is should be. "

IamLadyA, thank you very much for the suggestion, we will check it out.

Baustin, come back in six months and re-read this. Then come back in six years - and re-read this. Sometime between 6 months and 6 years I'm guessing you will start to recognise the truth of what we have been saying to you. I hope that in your case I'm wrong - and that you can come back and gloat over how successful your relationship is. I really DO hope that - I just don't believe it is a very likely outcome . . .

Oh, but we do have similar problems.<br />
We get bitter and angry - resentful - you said all of these.<br />
You also said you were afraid YOU will not want to have sex with HER when it comes time to start a family. Once again, there are a bunch of people in this boat.<br />
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And the big one - the excuses. Yep. Tons of them.<br />
Maybe you need to read a little more - we don't mean to be too direct in our commentary. There really is some very good info here. The problem being - you shared, now prepare to hear things you may not want to hear. You should also know - the things you don't want to hear are probably things you were afraid we'd say anyway.

I asked how i could get her to understand how important this is, not "should i divorce my wife"

At the end of your story, you asked for advice. If you want to only share, then you can ask for that as well.

There is some rampant bitterness flying through here. I did not marry my wife because she was beautiful, I married her because she was and still is my best friend and partner. She understands me in so many ways and is the person i lean on when i am having a hard time. She is the person I want to be with more than any other, I enjoy making her happy and we compliment each other incredibly in many ways. Neither of us are perfect, and neither of us does a perfect job of trying to make the other happy. She's not condescending when she doesn't want to have sex, it hurts her sometimes to have sex, so she gets nervous and that is a major contributing factor to her sex aversion. She has been to a gynecologist a couple times to try and figure this out, but unfortunately the gynecologist has not been able to fix the problem (i went to the appointment with her, the Dr. said she thinks she knows what the problem is, but isn't positive). I came on this site not looking for advice, but looking to share a problem that has been weighing on me for a while with people who have a similar problem, and it really appears that I did not find them.

A guilt complex because you had sex before marriage? She might not realize it but it could be. Try counseling or talking about it

Are you aware you talk about her like she is a prize because of her physical looks? Are you attached to her as a person or are you in awe that someone beautiful is with you?

Ok, let's move forward. You've stayed together. You've had sex - say 5 times in 4 years - and now have 2 kids. That is IT! There will be no more sex for you - her end is achieved. I know what I'm about to say is very harsh - but I hope you will accept it is not meant to hurt but as a wake-up call. . . <br />
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You married "out of your league" and she married a "soon to be" doctor. . . . How much of this marriage is really based on your essential selves and how much is based on the way you see the other as looking good as your spouse. . . .? How much is status involved in how you see each other?<br />
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You say you think she has issues - you are right. She does - as a doctor, you can be forgiven for falling into the medical model of thinking everything can be "cured". Check out the number of people in this group - how many of us have managed to achieve a "cure"?? <br />
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The very few people who have managed to transform their sexless marriages are those who started out with a very healthy and happy sex life, which dwindled well into the marriage for some reason. And even these couples have a very LOW recovery rate. Couples like you who start with little if any sex are DOOMED I'm sorry to tell you. To the best of my knowledge there are NO examples of such couples moving on to happy and fulfilling sex lives.<br />
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And in case you think we were not dedicated enough to our marriages, please go and read many ILIASM stories and comments - then decide if we cheerfully left our spouses without sufficient "effort".<br />
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No doubt you see all these comments as very negative - and probably as unhelpful. Be aware that we, perhaps more than many others in the world! recognise that we cannot "make" you change your mind!<br />
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What saddens me (and no doubt others here) is your determination to remain in a situation that will:<br />
1 get much worse<br />
2 be very much harder to leave if children arrive<br />
3 will lead to a life of misery for you<br />
4 will be a very BAD role model of a relationship for your (yet unborn) children.<br />
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At least consider getting counselling so you can better understand you real motives. . . And remember "Love" alone is NOT enough for a successful relationship.

I am in the same boat, only I knew what I was instore for when I signed on. Someone I could trust was first and paramount above all else, due to a previous relationship with, well a narcissist/gay/fraud/rapist who is now dead from his own hand. I am naive or was and wanted to believe in general all people are good, that my friend is so not the truth. <br />
She is out of your league, I agree, the league below you that wont do what the promise of marriage is.. You say you are "Christian", did the two of you go over what the vows meant before taking them? Love, honor and cherish, look up the definitions and once a week ask yourself, "did I love honor and cherish my spouse this week? Have her do the same and cut and paste this scripture for her, if she felt guilt prior to marriage about having sex,, she ought to still feel ashamed now.-<br />
“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.<br />
Darlin, we are human, we have basic needs, you as a man given the gift of life have every right to have those needs met. I guarantee you, no i promise you if you do not as the Man of your Christian home take charge of your home, life and happiness, you will either commit adultery out of resentment, and if caught be the apparent bad guy and lose everyting you have including your livlihood and any children you might have and cause them the trauma of divorce and a broken home. OR you will file for divorce after these kids she wants so bad come along. <br />
I understand you love your wife, but intimacy in a marriage at your age is absolutely a huge part of keeping and maintaining a long healthy relationship. If you ask me, as a woman myself I would say she basically is a fraud. She had sex with you daily prior to marriage, sometimes two, and now that she has you trapped in the vows of your god, she withholds? what kind of person does that? I am just dumb cuz I knew this was an issue prior to marriage, you my friend were fooled. I would be cautious in furthering any financial ties or exchanges of DNA. Not all people are what they seem. Ask yourself, do i deserve to have all the happiness life can offer? Does God want me to be happy? Do I deserve it? YOu posted here wanting advice, that is awesome. So do us advice givers a favor and dont let this go, you have no right bringing children into this world without being totally positive both of you are willing to do everything to sustain and contribute to eachothers happiness. Take it from me by the time i was 18 mom was on dad #4 , Dad was on Mom #3. I am on marriage #2, and last. He agreed to sex counseling should it get worse, I asked once if he would consider an open marriage so that i might have my sexual needs met. He said maybe with a woman, but not a man. I in all honesty couldn't do that its about more than sex, its about knowing in more than words that he loves me. I need reminding.I apparently sitll do not feel i deserve all the happiness life has to offer, but the view from where i had been, I am grateful. Good luck to you.

Sex is not the end-all be-all of my existence. I am not going to divorce her because 1) the bible bans it in all cases except infidelity (and it's still frowned upon in that case), and 2) my wife is my absolute best friend and I love her truly and deeply. I agree, she is not fulfilling her role completely, but neither am I. I am in med school, not exactly a lot of time for fun, nor am I really providing for her financially right now (as a fun note, almost every physician that went to school on loans has lived below the poverty line, woohoo!). This is a problem in our relationship, a really big one, but it is not a deal breaker. I love my wife, I love her for who she is, not what she does for me. I want to be with her because she makes me happy in so many ways other than physically, and I really enjoy making her happy. Hopefully this is a bump in the road on the way to a much better relationship, but even if it is a problem that persists for the rest of our lives, then I'm just going to have to learn to enjoy (or deal with) being a monk with some incredible arm candy. Either way, divorce is out.<br />
I've been pushing the counseling aspect, I really believe that sex aversion is a symptom of something else, and the thought seems to be growing on her, so here's hoping.

I applaud that you want to work on it, but don't rule out any paths. I get that as a christian, you are supposed to take your vows seriously, but why should you stay miserable forever when she isn't adhering to her vows either?<br />
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The Bible says that when you are married, your flesh becomes one and you should not deny each other except due to sickness or when mutually agreed upon for prayer. What she is doing is considered abandonment and most churches will grant you a divorce on those grounds. <br />
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Have you gone to your pastor or priest for counseling? If she is religious as well, it may be a good place to start.

<i>"... or 2) try to make it better. I stand by option 2, whatever that means ..."</i><br />
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baustin - But this is not about you, nor what you are willing to do. This is about her. It cannot get better if she does not *want* to improve and *actively work* to improve the situation. There is *nothing* you can do by yourself to fix this problem.<br />
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Trust me on this - it's the main reason there are 9000 people here in the same boat. Our refusing spouses don't see the problem as a problem. They are happy as things are, any change requires effort on their part, and they have no motivation to change.<br />
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This is a problem that needs to be fixed before you have children. Children add a whole new dimension of complexity to the problem and your options. And you perpetuate the problem for another generation, because your kids *will* learn from your example, whether you intend it or not.<br />
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And, by the way, if your only protection is the pill she's taking (is she, really?), you don't have any say in whether she gets pregnant. An "accident" would be oh so convenient.

Give it the old boyscout effort then. We won't fault you for trying - as you can see most of us have tried (mostly in vain) for more than 10 years each. Every one is a little different, but with mostly the same results.<br />
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Just keep in mind you may find yourself depressed, angry, resentful, complacent, unhappy, sad, whiny, or all of the above, but with a hot wife who's asexual on your arm when out on the town. This is probably the worst possible scenario ever - all the guys checking her out thinking you're the luckiest dog in the world. Only thing is - your just a puppy following her around.<br />
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Do everything you can to change this if you can. Start now - it may take a few years. But, from experience - don't wait too long.

Please don't have kids until this is sorted out - they don't make problems go away. I applaud you wanting to sort this out, but you've got to make her see this is important - and kids are a guaranteed passion killer no matter how good it was beforehand. Good luck whatever you do.

Thanks for the advice guys, but divorce is not an option. Besides, I would rather be in a sexless marriage with my wife, than having sex with anyone but her. I never said she was bad or distant or anything like that, my wife is wonderful, she's just a mostly asexual being, and she doesn't get how that hurts me.<br />
Divorce is a way out of a situation we don't like. When the way out is gone, you are left with only two options: 1) wallow in misery, or 2) try to make it better. I stand by option 2, whatever that means

I thought I was going to have the ramped-up quantity too when mine said she wanted to have another kid waaaayyyy back when about 12 years ago. I made a huge mistake. I already knew things were going the sexless route - the same route you speak of with a once every 4-6 week average. It took 3 tries - poof - prego. Amazingly… no more pregnant sex either.<br />
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You want to talk about misled and bitter? I was VERY unhappy and resentful. She thought I was unhappy about our soon to be daughter. You don't want her thinking that if you both decide to get pregnant. I love my daughter to death and would not trade her for all the gold in the world, but your wife needs to know you won't be taken advantage of. She didn't get it and I thought I was making things right by giving in and doing what I thought she wanted (everyone here does this - we are all appeasers and generally giving people).<br />
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Another little tidbit to keep in mind about your hot wife:<br />
No matter how hot the woman is, some guy (you) some where is tired of her ****.<br />
(insert man in there too for all youz girlz)

--- and why would anybody normal want to get married but not have sex?? all of the time!?! <br />
That just has crazy written all over it!

Kiddo, <br />
You had better take advantage of the collective testimony of this group and learn from it: divorce your wife now. When a person makes bullshit excuses to refuse sex, coupled with forked-tongue double-speak of wanting to have kids, you are headed straight towards a marriage of misery. Go to your priest or pastor or shaman or television star and say: " I want to have kids but my wife refuses to have sex. I want an annulment. " <br />
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How do you get your refuser-wife to take you seriously? You leave and tell her it is 100% because of her lack of sexual desire.<br />
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By the way, she is talking about having kids because she knows that it will keep you dangling. I bet she chats it up with her girl-friends too.