I Just Don't Get It...or "it"...can't Figure Out Why!!

So, here I am on EP, finally ready to share my story after reading sooo many similar stories posted by others in the same position.  I've been married for almost 13 years, and I'm still madly in love with my husband.  I'm still attracted to him (very, very much) and I know that he is my soulmate in every way...except that we rarely have sex (for nearly 12 of the 13 yrs its been almost non-existant).  I LOVE SEX!!!  But, I'm lucky if we engage in a little oral play a few times a year.  I desperately miss it.   He is 14 yrs older than I am, but that's never been an issue-we've always known each other's thoughts without speaking, know each other's feelings without saying-we have a connection that can't be described (that's another thing that makes it so hard to leave).  When we took our vows, we both knew that our relationship was unique in many ways.  We both had serious health issues (I have Crohn's Disease among other things, he has a history of heart issues, diabetes, etc), but instead of making things more difficult, we found that we were afforded the benefit of not taking anything for granted-being grateful for every day and never letting the little things matter too much because we always had bigger problems that took priority.   Twice I nearly lost my battle (complications during surgeries), but we've been there for each other without question, and I KNOW that life is short, so I don't want to waste any of it-I want sex to be a part of it.   We rarely disagree on anything, but for too many years our sex life has been nearly non-existant.  The problem-I want it (alot-I mean, sex feels good, so who wouldn't want to do that?!?) and he doesn't seem to notice.  We've ruled out health issues that might affect his lack of desire, and I've always been completely upfront and honest about my feelings on this subject.  I've tried everything-EVERTHING!  I've tried to be patient and not mention it (history has proven to me that if I don't initiate it, then nothing will happen-I go down on him, then he MIGHT go down on me-that's it-in 3 years we've had actual penetration twice-good thing that I really get off on giving BJs), I've tried to be supportive and understanding, I've tried inroducing toys (don't men love anything with a remote?!?-it does all the work for you, too!), lingerie, striptease...nothing.  A passing comment is about all I get.  He's told me that its not me, its him, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't want it or miss it.  All of the equipment works just fine, so that's not it, either.   He has said that when I go down on him that its sooo good that he's usually too spent to return the favour-I usually have to wait (and remind him that he still "owes me one").  I take good care of myself, I'm VERY responsive in bed, adventurous...but it hasn't made a difference.  Once, a few years ago, I felt so unwanted that I actually left.  After promises of things getting better, nothing changed.  I wonder if he really is attracted to me anymore, and even if he is, he never acts on it -I don't want to be around him when I know I can't have him-its like putting a bottle of Tequila in front of an alcoholic! haha  I feel like my sex life is being held hostage and I'm powerless to change it.  I've contemplated having an affair, but can't seem to actually pursue one-I still want my husband sexually, not some quick, meaningless roll with a stranger.  So, what do I do?  Do I suck it up (pardon the pun) and live with it?  Do I continue to allow myself to feel rejected, ignored and dismissed because my husband refuses to address this problem?  Do I seek a divorce (I am Catholic, so that wouldn't be easy for me)?  Should I continue to try to initiate something when it never goes anywhere?  Do I just continue to "take care of it myself" and accept that I will likely never have sex again?  I don't understand!!!  Also, I've been the sole breadwinner for nearly 2 years, and I do all the housework, groceries, taxes etc, with little/no help from him.  All I want is some nookie-is that too much to ask??!  Everyday would be great, but its not happening everyday, let alone every year-I'm not okay with this, but any advice/input would be great.  Would an ultimatum be wise?  I want him to WANT to WANT it, not be nagged into it or reminded that its been months since the last time...does this sound crazy??  I'm a cheerful, upbeat person...I never come home in a bad mood, always positive, always trying to make sure he knows how much I want and love him...I can't believe he's just too lazy to be bothered...I mean-ITS SEX-sex feels good...sex should be fun...so why can't I get any???

AnnaGretsch1973 AnnaGretsch1973
36-40, F
12 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Hi Anna - I haven't read all the responses to your post, but I did want to respond, because your marriage mimicked mine in every single way, apart from you two have been together MUCH longer. Like you, I not only worked (well, ran my own business) but I did everything around the house, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc, looked after the dog, and ran my husband's a$$ to and from the train station. All HE had to do, was go to work and come home. But, alas, like you, my husband had no interest in s*x whatsoever. No matter what i tried to do/say/initiate, it was always turned down. I tried to find out why, i offered up counselling, i nagged, i didn't nag...nothing worked. In the end, hubby stuck his head in the sand....so i walked out! He never realised just how 'good' he had it....a VERY loving wife, a VERY successful wife, a wife who did EVERYTHING and loved him unconditionally....but a wife he neglected so utterly, that she felt the need to leave. The house is 6 days away from being sold. We have been seperated just over 5 months. The divorce proceedings will start shortly. He's lost the BEST thing that ever happened to him, all because he wouldn't face up to the fact that he was starving me emotionally and physcially of intimacy! HE broke the marriage vows, not me (despite, even now, him saying i caused all this....go figure that one out!). <br />
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I am TRULY sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation to all of us on here, and I dearly hope, that you find SOMEWAY of resolving this with your husband. No one wants or enjoys walking out of a marriage which, on the surface, has everything anyone could possibly want from a marriage, yet the physcially intimacy side of things are non existent! That's NOT a marriage...i felt like i was living with a room mate! I hope you find some solace from reading other people's stories on here. Big hugs to you x

Hey everyone! I appreciate the input! I have taken into consideration his health issues (it was the first thing I addressed-and having Crohn's Disease myself, I am very understanding about medical issues playing a part in sexual desire and performance). His doctors have said that it isn't anything related to his meds or health problems, but to be honest, I'm not so sure about that. I have my own problems and I still want it! If I'm breathing, I'm horny! lol Still, he refuses to take any further action...will not investigate alternatives...<br />
Also, I have gotten mad as hell, even packed my bags and left! I'm not the type to leave and return, leave and return...so in my heart I had reconciled that it was over. After much consideration, I decided to give him another chance, but the improvement was short-lived and he never followed up on the promises he swore he would keep.<br />
Either way, even if it can be corrected, he doesn't seem too interested in taking the necessary steps to address this problem. I am starting to see things with more clarity thanks to your informative and heartfelt posts...if this is a matter of laziness or "can't be bothered", I guarantee that there will be drastic measures and consequences in the VERY near future! I guess the hardest part (emotionally-lol) is accepting the truth-and the truth is very hurtful...I will keep you posted!

Have you tried getting mad as hell, I sure would, what is he doing for you, holding your hand while you mop the floor, call you when you are at work. Girl, a lot of men would die to have a women like you....and sex would be the least of your problems. you say you are self-confidant, well, tell him to get busy, or his *** is going to the curb..Sorry I feel like he's using you. You need to whip that ***, sounds like all you need the power to do it. I don't get it, these people who give so much and don't get back. Remember, we teach people how to treat us, time to learn something new. I wish you the best!

Thank you everyone...I appreciate the candid honesty and different perpectives. I am not one of those women who ignore advice (especially when I'm asking for it in the first place..lol). I have read all of your posts and its reinforced some of things that I've been feeling. I will take all of your comments to heart and consider what needs to happen next. Its clear that the only changes that will happen will have to be initiated by me...(at least that's something I'm familiar with!). I think its time I get a little more proactive with changing my situation. In every other aspect of my life I am very confident and self-assured, but I always end up feeling totally incapable when its this issue. After reading your posts I'm feeling a little more empowered, so again...much thanks!

You sound like a very unselfish person who has finally hit the end of her rope with a husband who doesn't appreciate he has it so good. I am new to this group and I thought I was extreme going 8 years without. But I'm learning 8, 10,12 or more years is common. At the risk of making a severe understatement, the members in this group are a testiment to how patient people can be.

Anna- I am sorry to see you here, it is painful and we all have to decide what we can live with. As you read the stories you will note a trend that this tends to be the first step towards the door and a new life. Stick around and share and learn with the rest of us. I wish you the best and hope you find true happiness.

We don't have your answers because we aren't you... He may be your soul mate but if he isn't your lover have an open discussion with him about you getting action outside the relationship. I think that step comes before cheating after all if he's not servicing your engine and you gotta take it some where else tell him... Might get him off his ***, I have a friend whose wife told him she wants to still be married but have an open door sex policy for her and a closed door policy for him.... he went with it... Sounds like your marriage if you are doing the bread winning and what not maybe you deserve some extra dessert.... Anyway loves...

Anna, your story was like hearing my story coming out of someone else's mouth! We've been together nearly thirty years, but quite honestly I've given up on this side of things for some time now. I spent about four years anguishing about it, trying everything - it's not you, it's me - etc. etc. and I'm just tired of it all now - and it feels like something's dying inside me now if it's mentioned at all. I think what love was left is withering away, and I feel like I'm at a real crossroads in my life. I'm just so sick of trying to fix something that really isn't my fault. Yes, I have another man, so I'm damned sure I wasn't doing anything wrong - but whether this will go anywhere or is just another step on the road, I'm not sure. <br />
I'm not sure how much help this might be to you, but it really does help to read and write about it you know. We all understand how painful it all is whatever path you take. xx

Anna for me it was the loneliness and missing the intimacy (so much more than sex). I was involved in my second emotional affair and headed into a physical one and realized this wasn't how I wanted to spend the rest of my life; cheating and finding what I need outside my marriage.<br />
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I loved him way too much to keep disrespecting him like that. But it sucks, and it's painful.

To KungFuChic--thanks for the welcoming post! Just curious-what made you come to the decision to leave your marriage? I know that is never easy, but what was the clincher for you? (If you don't mind me asking...I'm desperate for any input. Thanks so much!

I'm starting to see that lopsided part...I've mentioned depression, but he refuses to seek out the answers he promises that he'll pursue. I can't see depression being the cause of this for more than a decade. If there is a problem, regardless of what it is, I'm willing to work through it, to at least try...you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink...maybe he just never gets thirsty! lol

Anna: Welcome to the group no one really wants to be in. I hope you can find some comfort here. None of us really has the answer. I was madly in love with my husband, but left my marriage. We were very broken.<br />
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Read the stories and keep sharing.<br />
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KFC