A Life Worthy Of Death?

Every birth requires the fee of physical death. Is the life I am living worthy of that fee?

 

This place I was at, that resting place, I laid my head down, slowed my pulse and started to die. My self, my "me-ness" seemed to slip away. Lost in the false comforts of the familiar. What kind of life had I created for myself?

So I ask myself what is a life worthy of death and for me it requires courage. courage to be true to the deep longings of my soul and not sweeping them aside anymore. It means not stopping for my husband or anyone else, not stopping the quest to fulfill my needs, my basic human needs. Once I wished I could have changed my very nature and not even want intimacy as to stay with him. Longing to be satisfied with so little. Surely that's not valuing the beautiful life I have been given

These are some things on my mind today.

floatingaway floatingaway
41-45, F
4 Responses Mar 16, 2010

I don't think you can ever lose your "self'. You can bang it about, dent it, pretend it isn't there, misplace it for a while even.<br />
But it's still there, and something will trigger it's re-emergence.<br />
And when it does reappear, you will know what to do.<br />
Hang in, and keep punching !!

I am sorry you had to go through that enna30 and am so glad that you have made you way out. I am starting to see that nothing is worth giving up your "self" for or you basic human needs. It is way too high a price to pay for anything. They say it is darkest before the dawn and I do believe that can be true.<br />
<br />
While my post sounds sad I at a new exciting place that it liberating, my dawn sort to speak..

I've been where you are I actually ended up in a psychiatric hospital because of my suicidal thoughts. It was this incident, among other things, that helped me decide that NOTHING was worth this sacxrifice . . and that no matter how hard it was, I had to leave my marriage. I did so - and altho it has had very hard moments, it has been worth it. Wishing you a much happier future. {{{Hugs}}}

Thank you for that Wendy. I do feel as though most of the sadness is behind me as I stretch my wings toward a new full life. Finally I feel like I'm at the place or approaching the place of letting go of the clinging. <br />
<br />
Truely I am thankful to finally see a possible hope or light out there in which to go towards instead of just waiting, hoping for him to change, if that makes sense. I will seek a full life even if that means leaving what has been a comfortably sad place.