Too Fat For Sex, According To Husband

My husband told me that I am too fat, he is not attracted to me, and he will not have sex with me until I lose an accceptable amount of weight.

I have gained 90 lbs over the 5 years that we have been married.  I guess i shouldn't be surprised, or hurt.

We have sex twice in the last 2 years.  Neither of us really enjoyed it.  When our counselor asked us when was the last time we 'made love,' the answer was 'about 3 1/2, 4 years ago?'

northerngoose northerngoose
26-30, F
5 Responses Mar 19, 2010

I've been there girlfriend...and I've only gained 30 pounds...mostly due to babies. It's been a long hard struggle over this not wanting to lose weight "just for him"...but waiting until I was ready to make the commitment to do it for myself...that was very important to me. Your weight should be up to you...but if YOU aren't happy, then do something about it... I feel like it's ok for me to say that because I've been there and I am doing something about it.

I agree with Enna that weight gain can often have an emotional root. But do it for yourself, not anyone else. <br />
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You should be hurt. You have every right to be hurt. A spouses love should not be based on what we look like and it's horrible of him to put a condition on your sex life. What did your counselor say about him refusing sex until you lose whatever amount he put on it?<br />
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I also agree that losing the weight may not reignite your sex life. He may just shift the blame to something else. And do you really want to have sex with him after what he said or has it changed how you view him?

Where do you begin and how do I rise above the situation? What has been a contributing factor to you gaining weight? Is it something you can work on by yourself or do you need assistance? The big picture to your situation is the health issues that this may cause you. Please believe that I'm not trying to be hard on you but you didn't mention how the weight gain has come about, are you unhappy with yourself and as a result have turned to bad food? Is their health issues? Unfortunately alot of times people tend to loose sight to the fact that as we get older things with change, some for the worst and alot of times they can't handle what changes! Please make all attempts even beyond what you already have done, not that you haven't for yourself and not just to be intimate with your husband. Hoping that all goes well and who know's you mayn't even want your husband after you lose the weight! You Can Do It!

Yemanya has excellent advice. Please continue to get help for yourself and for your marriage. IF you want to stay together, and he is making an effort too, it will be worth working on it from all aspects.<br />
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Do you understand why you have had the weight gain? Sometimes it is helpful to explore the emotional reasons for weight gain - it may help you to lose weight if you can address these.<br />
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Perhaps if you answer Yemanya's questions and share more about your situation we might be in a better position to comment. But do know that YOU are a wonderful and worthwhile person - don't allow your weight gain or your husband's unkind comments to deflate your self esteem.

NG, sorry to find you here and in this painful situation. Your H's statements are hurtful not helpful. Read around. you'll see .. it is rarely if ever the as simple as weight and never have I read about a situation where changes in weight change the situation. You are young, dear, and I wonder how things were earlier in the relationship, how long you have been married, and how / why things changed (if you know). Do you have children? It sounds like you are together in counseling, that is good in that you are both talking with an independent observer. Take care of yourself, and be who YOU want to be.