I Was In A Sexless Marriage.
I am out of it now and applaud all of you out there who, like me, had the courage to admit it and strength to move past it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And Iam praying for those of you have yet to decide.
Sure, I know, it's not all about sex. In fact, that's just icing on the cake. Well, maybe it' the cake itself. But it's the key symptom that there' a problem, yes? Are we agreed on that? By the time I got divorced, 15 out of 22 years of my marriage had been sexless. It wan't all his fault, it wasn't all my fault.. It takes two.
It was hard to admit,it is hard to express. I didn't even want to tell my doctor, let alone my friends and family. My mom,my closest friends knew something was wrong, and I am still angry at a few of them for not pushing the issue before it got too late. Oh, well. Spilt milk. No one wants to be the harbinger of doom, as my mechanic pointed out.
So I am here, writing, because I need a place to vent, confess. come clean. I am in a wonderful relationship now and the last thnig I want to do when I'm with him is bring up the past. When I'm alone, I don't even want to bring up the past and do everything in my power not to, but sometimes you just have to. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. In an effort to learn and become a better person, we do have to look at them every once in a while.
I found some old journals not too long ago . I was just going to pitch them, but my curiosity took over and I opened one up at random. "I am such a physical person." That was written almost 30 years ago. The joy of contact, the reassurance it provides, the simpe need to connect has been with me all my life. There it was in writing. Confirmation. Can't deny that.
When discussing something we're not sure about, my partner and I make sure we talk about need vs want. Is it a need or a want? Yeah, Mick, you cant always get what you want... I know my need is to feel safe and loved and that love has to be expressed physically. A hug, a kiss, a snuggle. Sex, surely. But what comes with being in that place is a true sense of belonging, the ability to be unabashedly naked and open, vulnerable and trusting. My guess is that anyone reading this, anyone who is unsure as to what to do, wants to feel that, knows they never will if they stay where they are, and has so much hurt hidden deep inside that they feel like they are going to explode.