I Was In A Sexless Marriage.

I am out of it now and applaud all of you out there who, like me, had the courage to admit it and strength to move past it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And Iam praying for those of you have yet to decide.

Sure, I know, it's not all about sex. In fact, that's just icing on the cake. Well, maybe it' the cake itself. But it's the key symptom that there' a problem, yes? Are we agreed on that? By the time I got divorced, 15 out of 22 years of my marriage had been sexless. It wan't all his fault, it wasn't all my fault.. It takes two.

It was hard to admit,it is hard to express. I didn't even want to tell my doctor, let alone my friends and family. My mom,my closest friends knew something was wrong, and I am still angry at a few of them for not pushing the issue before it got too late. Oh, well. Spilt milk. No one wants to be the harbinger of doom, as my mechanic pointed out.

So I am here, writing, because I need a place to vent, confess. come clean. I am in a wonderful relationship now and the last thnig I want to do when I'm with him is bring up the past. When I'm alone, I don't even want to bring up the past and do everything in my power not to, but sometimes you just have to. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. In an effort to learn and become a better person, we do have to look at them every once in a while.

I found some old journals not too long ago . I was just going to pitch them, but my curiosity took over and I opened one up at random. "I am such a physical person." That was written almost 30 years ago. The joy of contact, the reassurance it provides, the simpe need to connect has been with me all my life. There it was in writing. Confirmation. Can't deny that.

When discussing something we're not sure about, my partner and I make sure we talk about need vs want. Is it a need or a want? Yeah, Mick, you cant always get what you want... I know my need is to feel safe and loved and that love has to be expressed physically. A hug, a kiss, a snuggle. Sex, surely. But what comes with being in that place is a true sense of belonging, the ability to be unabashedly naked and open, vulnerable and trusting.  My guess is that anyone reading this, anyone who is unsure as to what to do, wants to feel that, knows they never will if they stay where they are, and has so much hurt hidden deep inside that they feel like they are going to explode.


Be well.

Seapearl23 Seapearl23
46-50, F
6 Responses Mar 28, 2010

Thank you for this post iv been in a sexless relationship for 2 years. Feels like ill never feel truly loved by my partner because they dont have sexual urges and their parents sexually shamed them by saying hell is waiting for sexual freaks and sex is bad. I love this person with all of my being. But no sex is honestly dissolved my mental health and my self esteem.

Thanks for posting this. You so eloquently state the nature of the beast and how it affects us. I too have a long marriage with 15 years of no sex and have only begun to see the truth over the last 8 months. People like you give the rest of us hope that there is a way to the other side.

I haven't posted in about a year, back when there were only a few thousand members here. Now, we're more than 9,000 strong and nearly every story strikes a nerve for me. <br />
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Your story is similar to mine except I haven't left yet. You're about the same age, you were in a long marriage, sexless longer than me but essentially the same. I liked it when you talked about taking some blame, praying. Me too. I share the blame and prayers do help, to a degree.<br />
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Your picture reminds me of the roses I bought for her for 27 straight years, every month, on the anniversary of our first date, more than 300 straight months, one rose for her, one for each of our children. The flowers stopped this month. I didn't have the strength to go get them. <br />
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I wish I had your strength to leave. I don't. Not now. Maybe never. I thank you for sharing your story, for giving me hope. What I wouldn't give to be in your shoes now.

Cheez, more pwer to you! it takes guts to leave a relationship where you always feel something is not right, but to the rest of the world you look good. You only have one life, why live in a relationship where you crave sex but the other person does not? What a waste of time...I keep telling my self that but it is hard to let go and move on, especially after 30 years of marriage. The last 10 have been down in the toilet with sex because he lost the desire when he could not perform any more, and I feel EXREMELY frustrated!!!!!

I am so happy for you that you were able to find a way out. I'm praying that one day I'll have the strength to walk out of mine. I just don't want to hurt my children. That is the only reason why I'm staying at this point. There is no other reason to be this miserable, but for now my children's needs are more important than mine.

It's nice to feel desired, pliain and simple, is it not?