My Husband Is A Loser


My husband is a total loser and I am getting fed up of him.  He is a total slob too.  Sometimes I just want him to leave me alone.  We have a king sized bed for the two of us ( sometimes all four -- we have two small kids who used to co-sleep with us ) and he never shares the space!  I have to bundle up in the blankets to protect myself from his grappling limbs.  He always crowds me in the bed.  He always wants to touch me -- his hand, his leg, his stinking toes or his butt.  I have told him a million times that I do not want anybody to touch me when I sleep.  He just does not get it!   

He has the nerve to think he can cuddle with me whenever he wants.  Ever since our first kid was born, he has been a depressing lazy ******* leaving me to do everything to keep our family together.  Never helps out with the household chores and he never pays the bills on time.  He can not balance our budget.  We are behind all of our bills.  Credit card companies, banks and collection agencies are calling me everyday and he does absolutely NOTHING about it.  

Whenever I want to have sex, he is never around.  He is always out playing cards with his friends.  I have a feeling that he is ******* away all of our money on gambling.  Nothing else makes sense.  I am kicking myself for ever having fallen in love with this oaf.  Most normal men would be grateful to have a beautiful family but he does not seem to appreciate anything!  

Yup.  This may sound like a joke.  

AnarChristian AnarChristian 36-40, M 22 Responses Apr 1, 2010

Your Response


if my husband tried to write my story - he'd say I'm delusional, that i just dont' "get" some things, that I'm immature, that I'm stingy and selfish, that I don't like sex and I'm annoying and clingy.

I feel you lady! I am trapped with a selfish slob, who feels like his only responsibility (despite us both working full-time) is to keep the lights on.

I totally understand. My idiot husband is from loserville and does not want to get ahead. What a moron. Even my teenage kids hate him. I am tied to the fool financially. Until I win lotto I'm stuck with it. There is no solution for me either. You are not alone.

I am so sad to read this!!! (((((HUGS))))) to you AC!!!! I am happy that you are getting your Divorce, and you deserve a true love, not a degrading, demanding, refusing pitty you love! Hang in there, life is about to start for you in a way that only you and God alone can imagine, because you will not ever put your self through that again! Use this as a reminder!!!

Gee AC, I hear you and feel your pain. I'm so overwhelmed at the post and all the comments that I don't know what to say.

But I will be sending good thoughts and positive energy your way...

peace, out

I bet if he was with another woman, you'd be jumping up and down to have him back!! you will be crawling to have him stay with you....if you think he is such a loser....DIVORCE HIM...!!! why are you married to a loser????? Are you that proud to be married to a loser...??? Are you happy that the father of your children is a loser...Maybe you need to re-evaluate yourself first instead of blaming him!! Maybe you might be the loser in this marriage?

AC, my heart goes out to you. Your post is illuminating and a creative way of highlighting some of the many pitfalls of online posting. It IS so easy to read something and to see only the side that the author offers, rather than recognising the fact that each post represents only one aspect of any story . . .

I laughed at the bit about turning out the lights!! Yes! I complained that my husband did this! For me, this was part of his constant controlling of my life. . . I would leave the kitchen to go the laundry to get a tea towel - and return 10 seconds later to find the light turned off!

May you continue to have the strength and courage to cope with your situation - I admire you very much for your commitment.

I want to thank you all for your comments. Each of you have helped me in different ways -- more than I ever expected. I am in a confusing state right now with my marriage and your comments have provided clarity.

At first, I just wanted to elicit a chuckle with this post. Sometimes the only thing that makes sense to me is to make fun of myself. This post is a joke but only in as much as my marriage is a joke. I am glad that some people got it as a joke initially because it reassures me that my dark and sometimes dry sense of humor is not very unusual. [ As an aside, I have been compared to Steven Wright a few times before I ever heard of him before. ] Virtually all of it comprises direct quotes that were either told to me directly or in my presence but directed to other people. There is one thing that I completely fabricated: my wife's desire to have more sex. I had to make that up for this post to work.

One of my ongoing struggles is that of perspective. We all see what we want to see and we all ignore what we do not want to see. Occasionally, I read stories or comments here and I recognise certain things in how the refusers are described. Their description or complaint could be applied to myself. Hence, the spirit of this post. I wanted to write a story that sounded like a legitimate complaint from a person who is struggling in a sexless marriage but the possibility of that person being a refuser would not be obvious unless you had some inkling of the other side. You guys all heard my other side of the story. If one single person finds this story in the least bit credible, I succeeded. Nevertheless, before pressing the SUBMIT button I knew I risked the possibility of hurting someone's feelings because the implication is that we might be a refuser ourselves without knowing it. This post might be a joke but it is a very serious joke.

I joined this group after being pummelled in couples therapy or I should call it professionally supervised blackmail. My wife did not want to live with a depressed husband. With the blessing of our paid therapist, my wife cut off our last session saying that she sees no point in rescheduling a follow up session until I snap out of my depression on my own. " I can not open up to you intimately until I see hope in our relationship and your depression leaves me with little hope. " Just when I was starting to feel comfortable talking...

My wife was right about one thing: I was depressed. I knew it but I was alone to solve it. You all get it, though. You all know that refusal, lack of basic intimacy and physical touch will make a normal person depressed. However, I did not know that. I just knew that I was depressed and I felt like the bad guy. It made sense to me to consider myself partly to blame.

So, I joined this group thinking that we were all partly to blame for our plight. I thought it was up to us to fix ourselves and that would fix our marriages. I still think that some of us are contributors to our sexlessness but at the time that I discovered this site, I did not realise how little I knew.

I discovered this site after mulling over one brief passage in the main book our therapist and my wife prescribed. The book is called " Hold Me Tight " by Susan Johnson and the sentence said that, in the author's experience as a therapist, she has found that she can generally judge the probability of success in a couple's therapy on their first visit based on their physical contact. In her experience, non-intimate couples are pretty much hopeless. There I was being subjected to a therapeutic approach whose author deems us as hopeless.

I recognised myself in that seemingly hopeless category but refused to accept hopelessness in my marriage. Having recently been exposed to the study of praxeology, I knew that there was an alternate way to interpret that author's same observation that offered a more hopeful outlook. My alternate interpretation was that the author's therapeutic technique was contributing to making these couple become hopeless. In other words, the author was too stupid to realize that her unique therapy was making the marital situation worse for sexless couples. So, I latched onto that logical possibility to seek progress on my own. However, I still had to face my wife's ultimatum.


I play $5 card games. My buddies and I waste more money on buying munchies than we do on cards. This is where perspective comes in: my wife has hinted that she thinks I am playing for more money. She does not believe I am just playing $5 games despite me telling her the truth. I can understand her skepticism because a few years ago, I played a few $25 games with other friends and came back home with a few hundred dollars. Once I started to lose with that crowd, I quit. All my wife would have seen is that I stopped bringing home wads of bills.

I am addressing this with you because I suspect that my hobby opened up a sore wound. In no way do I want to suggest that my experience is a parallel to your earlier experience. Rather, I want to imply that it is possible for the gambler to understand the fears of the other spouse. Hugs and love back to you. God knows you deserve it.


I am glad you got the joke but seriously, your inability to walk a dog and close the doors is inexcusable. That sort of nonsense no longer surprises me because -- brace yourself -- my wife complains that I turn off the lights too much. That is right. My wife leaves all of the lights on everywhere and I am the bad guy for saving energy.


I am glad you took my wife's perspective seriously.


Thanks. I am very confused right now about my marriage and hugs help.


I am glad that my post made you think. That is what I wanted. I actually have it easier than most people. This may sound sappy but I have a hard time hearing everybody else's stories. I am getting more and more depressed reading the suffering that you guys endure. I feel like I have been reluctantly drafted into a war. A bomb has just gone off in our regiment. Beside me my comrades lie blown apart but by random chance, I escaped fatal wounds -- so far. Some soldiers to the left of me are dead. Others are dying. Still others are maimed and trying to hobble their way to safety -- wherever that is.


All of those points help. The first one highlights the glaring insanity we all face. After giving us life, God gave us sex and love. What more could we want emotionally? It is just inhuman to refuse it all. The budgetary guidelines are what I have to follow. I am learning this the hard way. What has been so challenging in the past is that as soon as I pay off debt, we qualify for more credit. So, my wife was able to get more credit cards. To get out of the rat race, we have had to hit rock bottom credit-wise for my wife to no longer be able to keep spending. It sucks because my business credit is influenced by my personal and household credit. I have hope because last week, she joked that it was actually a good thing that her credit card is frozen because it keeps her from spending too much.


My wife has never actually blamed our lack of sex on my card playing. [ She actually encourages me to go out with my friends as a way for me to be more happy. ] That part is pure fabulation and the essential joke of this post. I want to pretend that she wants more frequent sex because that may one day happen. As such, I want to think of what I fail to do to help that along. If my wife did want more sex, then my current pattern of behavior makes me less available. I am just tired of waiting around in the evening for her to maybe want to have sex. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, I wait around and she pushes me away when I want to hold her.

If she wanted more sex and if she felt like I was to blame, then she has a credible complaint: her husband is not around much. It would be credible without hearing the fact that she pushes me away the majority of the time. I wait around for her to finish her nightly scurrying around only to be pushed away when I want to hold her. I am still confused by her telling me one night to stay away only to have her wiggle her tush into my crotch a few moments later. If you asked her about pushing me away, she would say that I am crowding her in bed -- that is a direct quote.


I think my wife is a little loopy.

Ahahahah @ northguy. Moron ahahahaha.

Loved the story AC and I really liked the way you were able to see it from her side. It means you've tried.

Good luck with everything.


I loved your post and it really made me laugh. I would have been taken in by it all but I had already been duped by an April Fool joke by my wife this morning.

My wife told me that a female visitor had knocked on the door this morning asking to see a Richard Klyne or something like that . Oh Richard Kiss that was it. I thought Oh Hell have I been caught? Who on earth has traced me to my address in Bournemouth. She said that they were very persistent and they had an American accent. I was trying to stay calm and asked how old they were. I was actually getting excited in a petrified sort of way! She said why would it matter how old they were and had I something to tell her. I said no it's a complete enigma. She said why should they come and see you on 1st April. My relief was tangible.

So what's the reality? Or is she just crazy?

AC, did you find this or is this how you think she feels? Either way, major hugs buddy.

AC, has she actually told you that at the exact precise times when you are playing cards with your buddies she gets horny?? Talk about laying the blame on you! The sad thing about your story is that most of our refusers use similar excuses to justify themselves.

AC: I'm a little lost for words right now. You have my love and support though, always.

Ouch! It makes you wonder how you can get to such a state of miscommunication that your "partner" is unwilling to try and see things from the other perspective. By the way, your "I have told him a million times that I do not want anybody to touch me when I sleep," is eerily familiar. My husband has renamed his sleeping alter ego, Sleepy Mike and he is a mean and grouchy ***tard (and we squeeze those two little ones in a Queen, so you can imagine!).

There is a history of insanity in my family.

Therefore, I am correct in everything I do as far as I am concerned. Damn the standards.

I see nothing wrong with AC on this either - he is right in his own mind. Plus, he always has been awful direct in his commentary!

Interesting for my brain.

Sad for my heart. It reminds of the compexity of relationships and that everybody has their own side and thinks they are right.

Is everyone right in their own minds or is there some standards of what is right and wrong? I am not wanting to hijack the thread and debate this, but it was just part of my reaction to the story.

Sorry for you AC, my situation is similar, but not that bad.

For all of you who are much more familiar with AC, I think he could use a group hug from his besties.

Humor is the best medicine!


Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. The irony is that I am not really being creative at all this time. Those are all pretty much direct quotes.

AC, you are a creative one. Enjoy reading you. Doubt the word boring ever comes up in description of you. Keep it up, please.

Well, why don't you read your own post and figure out the problem yourself? You call him a loser, a slob, incompetent...the list goes on and on. Then you complain because he is not sleeping or lying in bed to your satisfaction; "He has the nerve to think he can cuddle with me whenever he wants." I can't believe you would be so asinine s to say something like this. I have news for you, queenie: "He can cuddle with you whenever he wants"; the first time you laid down with him, the two of you became one flesh. I am tired of repeating this to feminists: READ Ephesians 5:22-33.

It's no wonder he is always off playing cards with his friends. He sure doesn't get any companionship from you. The way to speak of him, he's probably afraid to have sex with you because you'll criticize the way he does that, too!

Woman, if you live in a sexless marriage, it's a monster that you created.

I've taken the last week and done little but work, sleep and study. My phone, which is my primary access to this site was broken in a tragic coffee and brake lights accident, and I gotta tell you... coming back and reading this stuff is such a major mind ****. After existing in a world where people operate under norms and social contracts, to dive right back in to the world where one twisted mind dominates the tone and tenor of a relationship... its disheartening & mind boggleing. Alcoholics talk about their addiction in terms of "cunning, baffling, powerful" and I think that there is alot that we share with an alcoholic on his final downhill slide. Certainly the depravity that we allow in our lives is similar.