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MY Husband Is Not Attracted to My Body

I AM A 35 YEAR OLD WOMAN MARRIED FOR ALMOST TEN TEARS. AFTER A YEAR OF HARDLY ANY SEX I CONFRONTED MY HUSBAND AS TO WHY....IT CAME OUT THAT HE WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMORE...WELL NOT MY BODY...I HAVE HAD TWO CHILDREN AND HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT...BUT SO HAS HE AND I STILL FEEL ATTRACTED TO HIM...NOW I REGRET ASKING HIM WHY BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM DROPPED SO LOW. HE SAID DIVORCE IS OUT OF THE QUESTION AND HE REFUSES MARRIAGE COUNSLING... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...I AM HURT CONFUSED AND THOSE WORDS JUST CANT GET OUT OF MY HEAD...I ALSO DONT SIT AROUND AND EAT BON BONS EITHER I WORKOUT I DIET ITS JUST A LOT HARDER FOR ME AFTER HAVING MY CHILDREN. I ALSO HAVE SOME MEDICAL ISSUES THAT DONT HELP. BUT I CONSIDER MYSELF VERY PRETTY FASHIONABLE ALWAYS TRYING TO LOOK MY BEST AND THIS IS WHAT I GET. I MEAN I CANT FORCE SOMEONE TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE....ANY ADVICE???
BLUEYES35 BLUEYES35 31-35, F 107 Responses Nov 26, 2007

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Maybe having an affair would help ??

I have not had any children. But put on about 40 pounds after my mom died. My ENTIRE family is overweight but I was already the athletic one. As I age, and battle the depression weight I put on I am struggling with a partner who says "You will never be what I want because you don't care about your weight". Which hurts deeply. I work out 4 times a week, I eat nothing but veggies and meats and very small portions of whole grain, I don't drink soda or even juice. I pathetically miss FOOD yet I hate myself for even thinking about eating something like Cheez-Itz. I am tired of being told I'll never be what he wants and that I'll never be a size 8. It cuts deeply.

stay in there. one day at at a time.

My husband and I haven't had sex for a very very long time,can't remember the last time we had sex..he is not attracted to me anymore and told me that ( because of my weight gain) this has made me so hurt and unloved,I don't want to live like this anymore and I truly want to end our marriage but I am so scared of being alone :(
It's like we are just room mates he hardly communicates with me and never ever pays any attention to..and what really hurts me when I catch him watching **** and that just makes me loose it and so hurt and I just don't want to live anymore, I don't want our daughter living with parents that are not happy together .. I really need help...don't know what to do anymore please help

so sorry. I know how much that hurts.

thank you

Divorce is always an option. If you live in the US, anyway. He sounds like a bully. Good luck. You are way you young to be undesired and cherished.

well i've been undesired and cherished for quite a while now

First of all I am separated but gave my marriage 110% the last few years. I was married at 19 and he chose to end it this year. I'm now 26. Very early on I became aware of his *********** addiction and I chose to deal with it and get married. My fault, I could have saved myself a lot of tears and from massive self doubt.Here are a few tips:1. Realize that: Men who have sexual problems are depressed. You, your home, and the lives you built together matter LESS than their sexual needs at this point and they are not rational. You will learn this in the divorce process that a man who is in this depressed state CANT fix the self esteem he damaged: his and yours!2. Start to develop an independent and new identity to recover your self esteem. Tell yourself that you are beautiful and hot every day. If he doesn't love the confident you, leave. I am now single but with family... Life is better this way than with a breadwinner man that makes me feel terrible and unattractive.3. Save money and give yourself a plan B option if he doesn't shape up. Plan around the fact that you can't control his actions and only your own. Prepare financially and get an independent bank account.4 Lastly, try reading Codependent No More. It helped me focus and get past the anger and sadness that my failed marriage caused. It helped me journal and get past wanting to call my ex husband or pursue the relationship further.

that makes a lot of sense. he gets depressed easily. hes usually in denial of almost everything except the thiings he points out with ME

I'm in the same boat. I've been married for 2 years (together for 8). My husband is great in bed but we only have sex once a month, sometimes once every 3 months. When we do have sex it's very rough and he's really detached, like he's fantasizing about something else. Our sex life was great for the first 6 months we were together but after that he took a business trip and the sex stopped. He's addicted to computer games and says he doesn't have the energy for sex but he can stay up until 4am playing games on his computer. He says he's attracted to me but that his job stresses him out and unless he can come down off work and relax then he's not going to have the mental energy to concentrate on having sex. So I keep the house clean, have dinner ready, do my hair and makeup, make sure the kids are in bed, I give him back and foot massages to help him relax, even draw him baths, and let him sleep in during the kids morning routines so he can relax. Still no sex. Recently I found out that he was watching **** late at night bc I walked in on him in the bathroom on accident. I was livid! Low sex drive my ***! I'm not unattractive either. I run marathons, fight in MMA, have a masters from an amazing university. It's excuse after excuse. His previous girlfriends were prude and constantly shut him out physically. He said it really hurt him. I've reminded him of this and asked "why have you been doing this to me when you know it hurts? I have a really high sex drive, what do you possible expect to happen if you keep rejecting me?" He says I'm an adult and I can make my own choices and do what I want but they will have consequences. I told him that I'm a young, strong, attractive woman who cooks, cleans, and is an excellent mother and great in bed...I won't waste those things on someone who doesn't appreciate me or who would rather watch **** than be with me. I was it raised to sit back and let my husband throw feminism out the window". He agrees with me and says it isn't fair. Our sex life was poor before we married and we got married on the agreement that it would get better. It that agreement isn't met then eventually I will leave. I hope everyone here finds the strength to do what's best for them.

I'm in the same boat. Husband said that I was too fat and he is not sexually attracted to me. He says that if I would be ok with **** then he might be able to have sex with me. We have been married 33 years. And yes I pit on a lot of weight when I started a office job to help my family 16 years ago. Please help, I don't know if I can stay with him anymore.

Ive been married one year to my sweet second husband and he won't do things in bed for me. He told me tonight hes just not into me sexually. After divorce of my first husband who loved being sexual with me but told me at the same time I was ugly fat and hideous this has really hit me hard.

Over 5 years old.

Hopefully you found some peace in your life and rid that bastard.
Never let anyone knock you down if so get back up just like a fighter does....

this story is over 5 years old

hehe maybe we need an update

I'm much older now and wiser and well educated, well read, well everything.
Problems surface when you give your ego to someone else. So just don't.
Insecurities in life will pop up, and when they do have your say. But do not indulge yourself further in investing your self worth into any and I mean ANY other human being. I've been able to view people over long periods of their life.
A recent party brought me face to face with an old adversary. One whom years ago had demeaned and abused me when I was younger and shall I say "greener"
Now after all my personal successes and productivity, I find myself standing in front of a man who is now an alcoholic and hates his life. Though sad it was satisfying, revenge need not be sought where patience and self worth are found.
I am currently involved with a man whom on many occasions objectifies my weight.

"Oops, wait a little bit there babeo.. How is it that you feel the needed insecure control to be nasty when I can walk down the street, into the nearest cafe, club, bar, shop and get "ogled" by many men and just because you're being nasty, I will add that these men surpass you on many levels. So now babeo, where do you want this conversation to go? Out the door or into the bedroom? Be very careful with people, they will leave you and you will find yourself an old man and very alone and very bitter." and "On the other hand, people do get old and ugly, look at our parents, it's a fact as much as what 5 extra pounds, it's a fact and it's going to happen to "us" to everyone. So now you have a choice and I might add a very careful one. You can exercise your right to complain or I can exercise my right to leave. And do not think that I won't, that door is alot wider than me, I can fit through that door, but fit into your minds view, impossible, get real, get out of your "ideal" and into the real world or loose, not only me, but life, love, enjoyment, smiles, laughter it'll never find you. And be very aware, that I've spent this much, of MY TIME, MY LIFE, to explain this to you. Be very aware and maybe someday successful at seeing life as IT IS, not as you dream it to be. But if you must leave to find that ideal, that is totally acceptable. Totally fine, she may be still out there looking for you. I would never want to stop anyone from their path. So if a size 2 is your path, you must follow it. I just hope she doesn't get into a car accident and into a wheel chair. I hope she doesn't get sick and loose her looks. I hope she doesn't find in her aging years an extra 20 lbs on herself. Because you see baby, she will know that you only loved the image not the person and you will kill what you wanted to love so much. I feel sorry for you both and your shame will confound you to terrible self treatment. So love of my life, we get along and move along or life will find a way to remove me from your sweetness that you should be always spending time nourishing. That darling, is the man I want to stand beside forever or you can find yourself looking and searching "forever".

I left him, I actually did feel hurt, self esteem in lurch. But upon thinking about it, though already very active, decided to pump me up. Just not about body image, but about my internal organs, especially kidneys, diabetes runs high in my family. So now the program and the personal contract and the knowing it's all for me. I'm doing my regimen and it's very self empowering because "I have a regimen" please no I can't do that, eat that, I have to do this now. Finding that the more I cared about myself, that selfishness brought with it alot of respect from others and also alot of rivalry from those not on a path.

I thought long and hard one evening and texted the hex. "Thank you for being you, it's oddly added to my life, I'm getting better and I was already happy, you have become my teacher. For that I love you and that is better than covering my grey hairs"

So what did that do, well it uplifted that man to new heights. He called, we talked he was as sweet as the sweetest of honey. I allowed it, it was good. But still kept myself on my path. We meet up and he's a great guy, friend, companion and lover.
We grew and that is fantastic. However, it's not "damage done" that I keep my wits.
It's because my program is working for me and to deviate would mean shall we say letting my guard down, not on him but on me. So I keep to myself and when we meet we blend better with good things and good love and very beautiful words.
It works and it's still working.

Because of this we've gotten deeper and more serious about being human if there is any seriousness in that. Ha. We were never each other personal image. That is maybe the lesson. And maybe that lesson will blossom into a real life where there is real growth. If not we've been there done that and can use the experience and information for other relationships.

We've been through hell, but I think it set us free, if always, good friends.

So there you have it. Honestly speak your mind. Move forward in total contentment and in the power of growth, without it we bore ourselves and others.
Have something new to say in appreciation and action everyday. Make life fun and exciting. DO NOT STALL. It's better to be exhausted and taking action than being exhausted from doing nothing.

Texted "teacher baby, sending you a virtual kiss and a little something else"

Once you've established self worth and pride. Humbling yourself is just fun.

yes never give your ego to anyone!!!

once you do, they have the power over you.

Well put and so right! I am going through the same and feel the same as you! 14 years of marraige and 18 yrs of being together. Thank you for posting, I wasn't sure how to feel and feeling hurt again, but read your comment and agree.

This was an amazing outlook on life , and has helped me realize that if people cant accept us as we are they shouldn't be in our lives and bringing us down ,thank you for the post

screw him.........that is what i say......if were me? i would leave....better to have freedom of opportunity than be locked away with THAT

First of all you are beautiful. I do not even need to see a picture of you to confirm this. How do I know? Because he married you and gave you two children, so you MUST be good looking to him. The UGLY things that came out of his mouth show who is TRULY ugly. And that is certainly not you. Before you married him, you knew you were a hottie, I can hear it in your voice. You STILL know you are a hottie, I can hear that too. Your choice is whether you want to believe him or not. The next time he belittles you, tell him his breath smells like the back of your a#@. He will spend weeks eating gum and breath freshener. Keep your head up, Hottie :)

*************hi im a 27 yr old male and firstly im sorry for all you females out there, I can tell you the main reason why guys are becoming unattracted. Also, I'm about to make the biggest decision of my life and need some advice please.
The problem in modern society is the media and the massive increase in ***********. Your men and all males are constantly exposed to supermodel skinny girls with big breasts and big backsides. This exposure is everywhere - adverts on tv, newspapers, films, TV and most of all, the internet. Recent statistics show that 7 out of 10 men secretly watch **** on internet or late at night on TV. The introduction of satellite channels like babestation are widely popular amongst all ages of the male population in Europe and are free to view. The very truth is when guys are exposed to this sexual content, they will compare you to these super babes and you know what the result is - sudden feelings of being unattracted, looking for opportunities to cheat or leave to become single2mingle again! sadly, the media is controlled and all these outcomes are deliberately targeted by an elite society - who want people to have multiple partners, to increase more gay people, aid more crime and expand anything else devious and unreligious to be achieved. But my answer to you is life is not just about sex, hold on to your partners and make your bond stronger through other means. It is hard to love again and once that diamond is gone for you, you will weep for them back ....but a return might be rendered impossible!

As for my problem, I too have been exposed to the media and have always dated girls with nice bodies. However, I have realised that sex should not be on top of the list as all of these girls who were very sexy-looking had attitude problems or bad habits. I am in love with a girl who is tolerable, kind and would give her life for me. These attributes make her more special than any of these girls who are physically sexy. But however, my gf does not have a sexy body even at her young age (26). Moreover, our parents have spoken and my wedding has already been set in the end of this year.
But I know that I love her but dont find her sexually attractive and won't be able to give her a good sex life. But if I have ever said this to her it would break her heart, self-esteem and she would hate me! This girl has done more for me than any other girl in my life - financially, emotionally, etc. Due to my young age is it right for me to sacrafice a good sexual life ahead of me? Is it right for me to keep this fact a secret til I am married? Or should I explain this to her?

The truth is your with people that you have been with for many years because you can tolerate each other and are attached by so many different factors. From experience, I know that having amazing sex but not really liking their personality is not enough to have a healthy relationship with someone else. This means that sex should not be the ultimate factor in a relationship.

Let us know of your thoughts

sex is not everything. no. but when sex goes, its only the beginning. sex is a big sign that something much bigger is wrong with the marriage/relationship

when sex goes, its only the beginning. then the kisses, the hugs, the sexless initimacy all leave. then comes the verbal and emotional abuse. then comes sabotaging the things that you love.

so sex is more important than you think

Well if you really like her or care about her . Ask her to take a walk with you let\'s say every night at the same time you guys are communicating . Don\'t tell her your doing it her to loose weight . That no no! It will help her . To lose pounds it\'s up to you .

Do not marry her!

In my experience the media's version of what is attractive only affect immature guys. Men are attracted to all different types and at some point a man becomes more interested in getting what he wants than impressing his friends.

As for your situation, read around here. If you are not attracted to this girl do not marry her. You both will be miserable.

1 More Response

pretend you are single and do what you would do in a day with out him and try to be happy as if you would try to be happy if you were single. Eventually you will train yourself to be happy alone while inside your relationship because your marriage is a lie. When your children are grown you will be very strong then in yourself and you too can leave the nest and be ready to be with some one who really loves you.

this is what I have to do - pretend I'm training myself to be ready for divorce, when I do this I can handle it much much much better

Relationships are complicated. I am in a similiar situation, and after reading the many posts here, it affirms to me that it isn't really about me. Bodies change, even mens bodies change, that is a gurantee. When i was in weight watchers that is one thing i learned, was how our weight flectuates from week to week, everyones does. I have since stopped dieting, and started loving me and my body for what and where it is now. Statistics show that dieting quiet often casues more weight gain. Diets support the diet industry not women and their self worth. I just read a book called 'When Women stop hating their bodies by' Jane R. Hirschmann & Carol H. Munter. Read this book, you will not regret it. Theres a part of the book that talks about husbands who don't find their mate attractive anymore, and they say that it is your partner who is having the bad body thought. Your body just triggers something in him that he is having difficulty with and he his projecting it on to you. Chances are that is the reason your husband isn't attracted to you although he may still love you as my husband says he does,yet his attraction to me is not about my body. I gave him that chapter to read last night, but not sure if he has yet. Unfortunately i cannot remember when we had been sexual with each other. Life is complicated, and there were many stresses that interferred with this part of our intimacy. I was always checking in and my husband kept saying it was O.K., it was just a phase, (and the last 6 months I wanted to heal our sex life with each other) now he tells me, he isn't attracted to my body and doesn't know if we can continue our relationship. I want to still work with it. We've had 15 years almost together and I don't want to let it go. But i may have too,if he truly doesn't feel we can make it work, and if he is going to be miserable in it I need to let him go. Of course I also had done my part in causing him to feel some of what he is feeling. After all it takes two to have a relationship. Relationships are for healing wounds with both parties. The trick is to find someone who is willing to go the journey with you. I still want my husband and my marriage because in the long run I feel it is worth it. Wish me success!

I am 26 yrs old and my husband is 31 yrs old and I am suffering from the same problem dear. We am married for about 2 yrs now and we are blessed with a beautiful daughter. My husband and I were deeply in love with each other before we got married. He is such a sweet person. He is a great husband and a wonderful dad. My biggest issue with him is intimacy. I do not mean sex exclusively which is a natural need for any normal woman, but also the need to a sweet loving touch. The need to feel loved, attractive, and that he is excited and looking forward to be intimate with me.Things started to change after we got married and got worse when I gave birth to my baby. I gained weight and my body changed. He doesn't initiate intimacy with me and I am the one who tries to start the relationship most of the time. I feel that intimacy is not a priority for him anymore. whenever we have free time together he thinks of watching a movie or go out, but sex is the last thing that comes to his mind. All the time I link his reaction toward intimacy with the way my body look. I keep thinking that I am not attractive enough to draw him to me. When I confront him of how I feel, he denies that and says that I am harsh on myself and that he is actually attractted to me but I am overanalyzing the issue. I tried to go to the gym and I am still on diet and do go on walks but it is really hard for me to lose weight. I think I am a good looking woman but I always had a bad self- esteem and I feel worse about my body now. I feel so unattractive and insecure because he doesn't change and keeps ignoring our previous discussions about the same topic. I feel so bored of the whole thing now. I am emotionally drained and I feel a permenant void in my life.

I too am having the same problem i have been married for two years and we have been together for 3 years we have one child and i am only 21 so i figured that you know being married this young and with how most men are at 21 mass sex but i am lucky if i get it once a week and i dont know i have tryed asking him and his excuse is i have it for the rest of my life why do i need it all the time and i know i am not size 5 160 pounds anymore but still hurts lately he has been not coming home till 2 and not answering his phone and i know he isnt cheating but still answer your phone i just dont know what to do anymore

im in a pretty sexless marraige,same situation,wife dosent do it for me i love her just not attracted to her like before,i love her,my libido have anything to do with it,not sure we were like rabbits before,since our child ,cant fig it out btw shes very hot,inside and out,do get it,i do find others attractive,not fair to her

These are just about some of the saddest posts Ive ever seen and I actually feel worse than I did before I read them.....I can't believe that some of you actually live this way and accept it. It is completely unacceptable to treat others this way.....I was raised, you treat others like you want to be treated! I want the vows that once meant something to my husband to still mean something. I want him to cherish me as much as I cherish him....and if he doesn't think that we are a lot similar-he's crazy, I am tired at the end of a day too, I am headachy & sickly feeling too...I have to get up in the am too...I have hormonal issues too.....BUT I want the one thing that I share with him that I don't share with another human being to still be present and intimate. I NEED to know that I am still loved, cherished, and attractive to the one person I save myself for everyday. I know he cares for me...that's not what I want, I'm not a damn mail bride, I don't need to LEARN to love him or vise versa....I need that spark to still be there-it keeps the home fires burning at home and puts out those little flames everywhere else. When the emotional connect is there, the physical connect is sure to follow.....I'm shocked and depressed by some of the posts on here with that live with it and quit being a baby attitude. none would be saying that if he WAS going to a mistress or prostitutes, bringing home who knows what.....Blueeyes, your feeling are your own and they are valid, either he cares enough to listen to them and at least try to change how he deals with you or he doesn't and he won't try....simple. How do you want to be treated? How does he want to be treated? now is it good enough?

Yes it is really sad, posts like these hit home. I treat her like I want to be treated, she can reciprocate with a tongue so sharp that it cuts like a knife, worse when she is drinking. So your solution dies not really work all the time, my self thoughts remain in the toilet and like the soup nazi, no sex for you!

When you want something your partner won't give you then it means you have no influence over them and that is something that can't change once you lose influence you lose the relationship. You can't love it back to life, your partner can change but it will take something that is not you to do it. But what's more likely is if you were to accept defeat and leave your partner would date but never marry or marry again and eventually be in the same predicament.

However it's highly likely that you yourself will change if you leave, you will be quicker to recognize what you don't want in a man and see through the image they present a bit better and it will result in a much better match and because you have stuck it out and tried to make something work it shows that you are a good partner and that means you can have a long lasting relationship unlike your husband.

Hello Blueeyes, you are not alone, I too have been married for 10yrs in Sept and my husband isn't attracted to me. We don't have any kids and have been trying to conceive but he says because of the attraction thing he can't have sex with me!! He too wants kids and so now we are opting for IVF! It is quite hurtful when he tells me that he is not attracted to me and I feel I should just leave! But problem is I have spent all my savings on him and for some stupid idiotic reason, still love him and can't bear to think of a life without him! I don't know what to do, and am hoping that a child will bring us together! call me foolish, but I am 43yrs old and really do want a child of his!!

Hi browneyesso2. Before continuing to try & havce kids with thsi man PLEASE take time to read the many stories on here posted by women who have lived years of this sexless hell. As I am sure you know it isn't the act itself missing that hurts the most. It is the emotional abdonment by their spouse that will just continue to hurt the longer it goes on. Also read how so many after years of this had enough to say "I WANT OUT" but they can't now because they feel the need to stay for the sake of thier kids & for financial reasons. This will be YOUR story f you continue down this road. Getting out is NEVER easyy. But the pain of stayiming in this is even harder. I hope this doesn't look like scribble but I can't get to the bottom of this comment to go back & correct my REALLY bad tyoping....lol

Bang Away
NSH :-)

A good mother loves her child more than herself, and will go out of her way to do no harm to her child. Do you not think that having a father that teaches a child to make a some one feel worthless is not harmful? Imagine how good it feels to go home and see your original set of parents loving eachother and working as a team to support you would feel? Thats almost never the case but it can happen. You deserve a good father for your child but more so your child deserves a good father not a man who lied to you and made you believe he was attracted to you when he wasn't or a man who after years of devotion only sees flesh

I don't know. no intimacy sexual and otherwise, hurts as much as the emotional abandonment. you know I have cried when I see other husbands going home to my neighbors wife. the only reason that hubby doesn't go out like he used is cuz gas prices have risen.

@browneyes02: I can understand what you are going through. My husband also says that he is not attracted to me. He is attracted to girls who has got a sexy figure, always ogles at other good looking girls, which disturbs me though. I am also trying for a baby.....but without his support. He says he wants a baby, but I dont know how... becos we never have intimate relation. Now finally he has agreed for IVF. But my question is after having baby with this method, is it going to improve our situation?...or going to make matters worse? I am helpless. I dont whom to seek advice. will counselling help?

DO NOT have a baby with him if he's an a-hole. the marriage WILL get worse. most of the time, counseling will help YOU but it won't the marriage, in my opinion.

just an honest opinion.

2 More Responses

I feel your pain. My Husband dont show me any attention. He don't touch me or look at me when I change my clothes. It's like I am just here. He don't talk about sex with me. He just rather ********** to ****. He sneeks off in the car and watches **** and ********** in the car. And the shower. Everything I do aggravates him. Its like why keep me around.. I am so close to just leaving him

Well I am in the same position as all of the above. I am 60 years old been married 30 years. Ten years ago my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me and stopped making love to me. He said it was because I was fat and didn't initiate the love making. I also have two bio children and one adopted daughter age 16. I hope things would be better but they have not improved. Last week I found out that he has been cheating on me for the past 10 years and now has a STD. My self esteem is so low and now this. The biggest issue is that we did have unprotected sex (first time in a long time) a few months ago and now I am exposed. I am seeing a counselor but the hurt is so deep. At this point I think I will need to divorce him and try to get back on track and perhaps meet someone who can love me as I am. Feel good to get this on paper.

dpines has your situation changed at all? I am in a very similiar situation as you, if you are still around on this board please reply.

First off I'm sorry that many of you are here. I can feel your pain in your words. No one likes to be told they are not attractive. <br />
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From a man's perspective looks do play a big part in attraction, but NOT as much as SELF-CONFIDENCE and SELF-RESPECT. Men are NOT complicated creatures. Like some other posters have said women like to look at problems from a women's POV. You tend to read into everything. Paralysis of Analysis. Stop doing that. <br />
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Also, it's true when they say you can't love someone if you dont love yourself. Before you start asking if your partner still loves you start by asking if you love yourself. Men are attracted to strength and confidence. Not by depressed, needy women. Stop giving your men so much POWER over you. It's not ATTRACTIVE and it's CO-DEPENDENT. <br />
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You want to turn things around? Stop caring so much about what he thinks or wants. As the saying goes "whoever CARES the least CONTROLS the most." If you start showing more confidence in yourself and stop caring so much what he thinks about you then you will start to feel more EMPOWERED which will give you more SELF-CONFIDENCE which will make you more ATTRACTIVE to your mate. <br />
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How do you do this??? You set goals for yourself and you slowly start hitting them. You have to believe in yourself if you ever expect your man to. So tell yourself today is the first day of the rest of your life and start living like your dying. Make each moment count. Stop blaming your partner for your lack of SELF-LOVE and CONFIDENCE. It's time to get out that bucket list. Stop making excuses. Start some new hobbies; Join some new clubs; make some "new friends" both male and female. But only as friends. Make your BOUNDARIES clear from the beginning. Once you create some MYSTERY in your life. Once you start creating some new patterns and breaking those old ruts you will start to gain back control of your life. Once your spouse see's that you are not as AVAILABLE as you once were chances are he will start to take notice and start "hunting" again. Now you have to be careful not to open yourself up for an affair. Get out if that's what you want because during this process others may take notice as well. You have to be strong enough to fight this feelings off. They are just another indicator of your poor self-image. Stop yourself from needing to feed your EGO you can and will boost your confidence in other ways.<br />
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You can do it! <br />
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Today is called the "present" for a reason.

I think this might be one of the most helpful, affirming things I have read on this site. Thank you! I had already resolved to do this, and stop trying to get my self-esteem kicks from my husband (who has unintentionally been chipping away at mine for years). I wasn't sure WHY I decided to do that, though. This really confirmed to me that this is a good plan. I'm lucky to be a naturally happy person, and I'm going to quit letting him make me sad. His rude, man-words are going to roll off my back, and pretty soon he will see that I am unflappable. He can be my hero when it comes to our life together, but I am not going to ask him to be my Savior. Only my real Savior can give me all I need! (And He loves me no matter what!)

I am a newly wed. Already after 2 years I am in a sexless marriage. I am going to do me, and not ask permission. I am going to live without any regret. We have 2 beautiful children. I have seen that he is attracted to other women with better bodies than me. So I decided that I am not in competition with these women, I am gaining me again. Once I am back to being me, he will be wanting me again. Hopefully I will still want him.

This is not good advice for a married person who wants their partner to change. This is not going to change the person, no one can change anyone else. You can play games like this where you act like you are brand new so your partner will chase you. But very soon the chase will be over. People are not prey people need love and affection. I see a lot of young women on here who don't understand that relationships are hard and they are not full of passion all the time. You have to be patient and see if it can't work give it time talk openly and honestly with your partner and be ready to hear what they have to say. If you can't live with it move on. I see a lot of women on here worrying about weight with good cause. But I don't hear a lot of women talking about getting jobs and getting ready to get out. The best head game you can play is showing your parnter who acts like you don't exist that you very well might not for them and if they don't change then for real delete yourself from their life. No one is that special that you should sacrifice your happiness for them just so that maybe one day you can trick them into loving you by running around with other people. That is not love. If you have kids and you want to give them their originalset of parents than that is a good reason to stay. If it's the house your after not losing than just keep it straight in your head, " it's okay he doesn't love me because it's the house I really want anyways."

I need you as my friend, lol.

Consider it done. I'm now your virtual friend. That doesn't mean I'm going to send you any free cows on farmville lol.

funny, the more I do for myself and the more confidence I have and self-love I have, the more hubby isn't happy about it, haha.

he was sooo happy when I wore drabby clothes and had much lower self esteem. my stuff irritates him

Sounds like he has his stuff to work on. Are either of you going to counseling? Would he be open to go with you?

hell no he wouldn't.

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You guys should check out marriageadvocates.com it's a great site with a lot of helpful information and members.

I am crying reading all of this my. Hubby and I have been together for 8 yrs married for 4 and 2 years ago I fell pregnant with twins and miscarried at 5 months and have only put on more weight since and I honestly don't remember the last time we had sex it has been at least 3 months I try everything road head dress up dirty talk everything and he just doesn't look at me the same like I repulse him I don't know what to do

I read each and every post in this thread. I realize the thread is as old in internet years as we are in human years, but it is still a great resource for people to see that they are not the only ones out there in this situation....in fact, I would suggest that this situation is much more common than people would like to admit.<br />
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I am a guy and have been with my wife for 19 years. I went through a crisis a few years ago, because I no longer found her attractive. But it was not her fault. She exercises 3 days a week, eats well, and honestly looks better than any photo I have when we were younger. The problem is not me either. I love her more than any one else on earth, with feelings I never thought I could have for another person. The problem is nature.<br />
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Nature makes us do and feel things that are not in our best interest. Nature makes someone want to have a child even if they cannot afford one. Nature makes me want to eat (believe me I can) an entire 50 wings and bucket of fried potatoes, even if it is not healthy. And yes, nature makes us men not find our partner as attractive after many years together. There are of course exceptions to every rule, but I am talking about the majority. It is this majority that will find Monica Lewinski more attractive than their "more attractive" wife of 20 years.<br />
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Nature does not want us together forever. This does not advance the species. The best chance for the species is for a man to have more children with other women, so he will want this. Women, you don't think your man wants this? Well, you're wrong. Whether he will admit this or not, he does, and will forever fight this urge, like a starving man looking at a bucket of fried chicken every day. You are skinny? He wants a big girl. You are tall? He is looking at petite girls when he goes to the mall. You are curvy? He pines for a girl that looks like a stick figure. He wants everything he doesn't have and has no way not to want it. Every day he fights this. If he cheated on you, I am not saying he was right, but believe me that he fought cheating 1000 other times.<br />
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So some years back I faced this dilemma with my wife, stay with someone I was not attracted to anymore but loved dearly, or look for attraction elsewhere. After much anguish, crying for months, not knowing what to do, my wife and I decided to separate. I then met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was everything my wife was not, physically...tall, thin, amazing in bed, and we were like gas and fire together. I was sure I found what every man is looking for, all my friends told me i was so lucky, nature told me it was true love...but love it was not. Some months later, when the dopamine wore off, when sex became more routine, and I was waking up to the person not the body, my dream with this girl was not what I thought it would be. She was not nice, she nagged me, she had anger issues, she pushed me and we fought about every other day. She was maladjusted and high-maintenance, possibly because she lived her whole life being beautiful on the surface, never needing to develop any deeper than that.<br />
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In the end i missed my best friend. I missed my wife. I didn't care anymore about attraction, I realized I had lost something more valuable. And more importantly, I realized that the gold between a new girl's legs is fools gold. Following nature down this path will not lead to fulfillment in the end. It will only lead to where most couples end up...broken families and broken dreams.<br />
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So I told my wife that we made a big mistake. I told her that I don't care about this new girl, I don't care what nature tells me I want, and I don't care about sex as much as I care about her. We can just be whoever we can be, the best couple that we can, and do something we hadn't done in a long time...love. Not love the feeling. Love the feeling is nature again. Love the feeling is what they write songs and movies about. Love the feeling is unreliable. Love the feeling is something people wait for, and place blame when the feeling is not there. I am talking about love the verb.<br />
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Love the verb is not selfish. Love the verb is being in the relationship for more than just what you can get out of it, putting someone else's well being before your own. Part of that is putting aside carnal desires in order to provide a meaningful life for someone else. So we started again from scratch, and chose to love (the verb) each other. I know I will never be as attracted to her body as the 100 girls I pass on the street each day, or see on tv. I am choosing to ignore nature's call that I live my life ba<x>sed on attraction. I know nature has a plan for us to lose each other again, but I am choosing to not let that happen. I am choosing to compliment her good features and ignore her imperfect features, just as she does for me. This is love the verb, choosing, taking action, telling nature that you understand the game but you are playing by your own rules.<br />
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Guys have to realize that whatever their problems are, they will not be solved by marrying Megan Fox. You own your feelings and you will have them once again, no matter what your wife looks like. It is in our programming. And girls have to realize that guys have this programming. There is nothing you can do about your appearance or by getting a new guy that will change this. After some years with a new person, you will be in a very familiar place. The best you can do is realize these facts of nature, do your best to look nice for your partner, treat your partner with respect, and love them for who they are inside. Stay in the relationship for the other person too, to give them the best life you are able. Otherwise, you are just another animal, following your primal instincts, without regard for where they are leading you.

Very well said. Glad you were able to have a second chance with your wife. My husband isn't attracted to me after 18 years and it hurts. But we move on.

This is actually a great story! I have no doubt the space between your separation and reconnection was really hard, esp on her, but I think a lot of women, myself included, could forgive an affair if it meant our husbands would truly appreciate what they had all along. A little humble pie never hurt anyone!

not sure I could. I would be way to resentful for being ignored for so long. I think about other men probably more than he thinnks about other women.

you've had two kids I've had one. I'm 10 years younger and am i am i only headed toward my 3 rd year. You are strong for dealing with that. I want sex all the time I have to force it on him he only 24. I'm glad I read this because I don't want to be miserable for that long. I love him but our sex drive is not compatible.

My name is Tonya. I have been married four months and been w my husband for 3years. He has admitted that he is addicted to **** since the age of 14. He also admitted that I have a hot body but there is no beauty in my face. He told me that his sister looks better and he couldnt hug me in front of her cuz that would b disrespectful. He has stopped our family in publiv so that he could STARE at girls. I alwayys feel on edge knowing someone is better than me at turning my huband on. Most days I cannot hold my head up. I have developed BDD. Google it. I litterally feel that my face is deformed. In reality it isnt. The only answer to this and every other problem is L O V E. Not the love you share w another human. But w your creator. His word says He is a sheild around us and the lifter of our heads! Our husbands were never made to complete us. They are only human and imperfect themselves. Gods love is perfect and He has a plan for His own. Not to harm you. In Luke there is the story of a woman. She is bent over and cannot raise herself up. She doesny say a word as Jesus passes by in the crowd. Jesus sees her and calls her to him. Hetouches her and she is heald. He tells her thou art loosed! From the bondage of the enemy. As a woman I have a deep need to be desiredby my husband. Still unsure about how that will happen. But the word says seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and the rest will be added unto you. Im struggling with a mental illness that makes me believe I am deformed and my husbands insults fill my mind when I open my eyes in the morning. But I have to have faith that God sees me and my healing is near. Ladies you are all heavy on my heart tonight and I pray God speaks to usin ways that bring healing, understanding, and fogivness even to the undeserving.

This is a positive and upbuilding scripture. Thank you for sharing that. Building yourself up and knowing you are loved by God and perfect in his eyes can only help you. That is a good personal choice. A choice that your husband will not choose for himself. He is not a mature man and he has been raised to view women as objects with the exception of his mother and most likely his sister. I guarantee he judges himself every bit as harshly as you and hates himself more than he hates you. He is not and never will be capable of loving a woman that is not his mother. You may stay with him but never expect to change him. That's a given I am sure you already knew that. But you are hurt, try going at this a different way i.e. when he stops and says "damn look at her!" Say " yes she is very beautiful too bad a girl like that would never go for a ---- ( choose his weak point or insecurity ex: poor, fat, old, scrawny, short, boring, whatever will give him a complex) ---oh well I guess that's why your with me, if you were stronger richer funnier more intelligen that's what you could have had. He will probably fly off the handle and call you a plethora of ugly things but then you have to force your self to fane uncontrollable laughter and say, "oh wow you better stop you are making your self look silly and you may end up with a fatter uglier women than I because I was doing YOU a favor but now I am not too sure watching you act like a tiny little boy it may even be too silly for ME!

Every one on here should understand that these men should have no power over you. No on Earth but you cares what they think so you shouldn't either. They are no more perfect than you are. Every wife on here seems very concerned with her husband loving her but what of the husbands? They are very clearly not giving a **** if their wives love them or not. Try not loving them. Love is wasted on some one who doesn't want it.

It's possible that your husband is a jackass. But, from reading all these comments, it sounds like most of the women here have no self-esteem and are overweight. What's attractive about that? <br />
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Your husband may not have been as sadistic as you think, when he said he wasn't attracted to you. He's a guy. He was just saying the facts. He didn't say you were worthless, that he didn't love you. He's not attracted to you. That's a fact. You can come on this forum and talk about it with other women, make yourself feel better. Or you can face up to it. Do YOU think you're attractive? If you don't, do something about it. Start working out, correct your diet, get involved with new things. Better yourself. Not for him, but for you. Make an effort! It's so easy to be complacent, and become a potato. There's nothing attractive about that. The same works the other way around. I'm not taking sides with any gender. Sometimes this kind of shake-up is important.<br />
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But, if you're in good shape, you're healthy, fun, vibrant, and he's not attracted to you still, well that's too bad for him. You can move on, find someone else, or live with it. Not your problem. <br />
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Then again, if you agree that you've let yourself go but don't want to improve yourself, then it's your own fault. And that's that.<br />
Men deal with practical matters. He could just as easily have said the same thing about himself. It's not about manipulation. It's just a straight fact. You can approach it pragmatically, or you can melt into a puddle of self-disgust and self-loathing. It's really up to you.

This is so completely superficial, cold and cruel. Would you say those things to your daughter or a stranger but it is ok to say it to the one person that trusts you and values you above all others? We are supposed to "get over" someone making us feel horrible?? I do not look to my husband for my own self worth. I look to my husband for love and respect. To show such a lack of it speaks way more to his character than to my own (overweight or not).

I been married for nearly 16 years and it's been good for the most part. Since the the birth of our first child 6 years ago . I have caught my husband flirting online with women he doesn't even know three times. Yes these women are very attractive, but I think am attractive too. So why does he need to do this? I had gained a lot of weight from my pregnancy and it took me a hear to lose 40 pounds. As of today I am still trying to lose another 40 pounds. When I have the time I do try to fix myself up really nice and hope to hear nice compliments from him, but instead I get it from strangers. I've told him this before and how I feel,but us like it goes through one ear & out the other. As for as being touched when I try to make the move his excuse is he's tired is his job. Which I understand he has a tough job. If am lucky he'll touch twice a month. Then he tells me if you your tummy look like this model I be touching you almost every night. Talk about destroying someone's self esteem and confidence. I love him very much and still find him sexy and handsome as I dis the first day I saw him I don't know what else to do . I don't want to be in a stale marriage. Any advice anyone?

One year ago l had to leave a emotional and physical depleted home......there was nothing. Believe it or not this went on for 20 years. There was physical abuse from my wife used to want to beat into me how much she loved me......wtf.....I thought this was normal after a while until it really started to get intense to the point someone was going to get hurt...and my son a orphan I left and filed for a divorce....you just get to that point.i was manipulated by religion, my son and my livelihood to stay in it as long as I did.....I suffer from a post traumatic stress disorder now, but each day become stronger and feel more alive....I met a women who was so wonderful and was very needy physically....I had to figure out what normal was again....as it goes she tired out to be an extreme care of bipolor...and would melt down...last time was in Mexico of all places at Christmas. She treated me like crap called me every name in the book....just had to break it off with her because I am now healthy and know that you don't have to take other peoples ****...<br />
I know how hard it is to live with dysfunction and it is not the way we are supposed to live..being a doormat and ignored is no way to live and it does not get better without two people working at it. I have been through so much therapy the last 20 years to find out you are not in control. Anybody living this ways need to make the decision to suck it up or get out there is no middle ground.....live is too short.....

I've just found this forum, because I am in so much pain, I was searching the Internet for answers. This is healing for me. My husband is 10 years younger than me. We have a strong & in the past good sexual relationship. Last night after a party at our house, and after lots of beers, he told me that he wished I still looked like that photo downstairs, that maybe I should get a facelift, he would love to make love to that woman again. Extreme pain in my gut!! When I tried to smile it off, he pointed out some grey hairs! I told him I look like this because of my weight, and I promise I'll lose it again. I have about 12 kilos on since we met & has changed my looks. I've noticed our sex life has changed dramatically & will only happen if I instigate sex. I am so hurt & feel SO ugly, I can't even look at him in the eye. He is no oil painting, and is overweight. God I hope this pain goes I can't bear it...

A MAN'S POV... RE: Unattractive Wife.<br />
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There should come a point in every relationship where a couple is able to share their thoughts, feelings and emotions openly and honestly. I would even dare say that it is the pinnacle of a healthy relationship when this is the case. <br />
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IN MY OPINION, most relationships fail due to poor communication. Ie., she feels something isn't right with him but doesn't know what it is so she starts inventing scenarios of what might be wrong or what he might be doing. This in turn drives her crazy because she's thinking worst case scenarios that are nothing short of the apocalypse. <br />
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Whatever the case, open and honest communication is the best medicine for an unhealthy relationship. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the truth doesn't hurt as in the case of "BlueEyes", but the truth is what it is and understanding this is the fundamental lesson to more effective communication with your partner.<br />
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We've been conditioned to tell these "white lies" to each other. Like the dress your friend is wearing that you hate but sort of say to her that it's "ok" because you know she's "sensitive". And, that may be fine on that level of friendship. But, marriage and lifelong commitments require a more realistic and truthful interaction. This doesn't mean its not important to take your partners feelings into consideration but when the goal is resolution of an issue or problem that is detrimental to the relationship, we have to start thinking outside of the box. <br />
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When surgeons in the ER have a fresh patient on the table, they don't think too hard about the patients feelings... they just get to work shoving tubes, IV's, all all manner of surgical instruments into a person b/c their goal in that moment is to save that persons life and they know this is what its going to take to do it. We have to view our relationships in this way to a degree. And the surgical instrument getting used is "truth". <br />
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Truth is a precision tool that cuts away all the BS we use to cover our emotions and fears and it usually comes out when the BS piles so high that the only thing you can do is start telling him ALL about himself... That's truth being fueled by anger and frustration and that doesn't usually lead to a positive outcome. But that same energy, instead being pushed by love for your partner can allow you two to be open and truthful with each other where the same 'truth" comes out but in a way that is less accusatory and threatening and more loving and resolution ba<x>sed.<br />
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In summary, a man sharing with his wife that he's been feeling less attracted to her is not in itself a call to arms for women to get together and man bash, but it's an opportunity for them as a couple to discuss the specifics of why he might be feeling that way and how they can work together to restore that aspect of their relationship. I think the key difference in sharing this with a spouse is the intent behind the statement. If the intent is not to heal that wound then what we actually do is open it further. <br />
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Please reply to this post so I can respond accordingly.

Communication is a key to a good relationship. I highly agree. But what do you do when there is no communication? I like to talk and discuss things that are bothering me. However, ANY time I bring ANYTHING up, he is argumentative and/or storms off. When I am trying to talk to him, all he wants to do is raise his voice at me and talk over me. I hate it. After 3 years of this, i finally get to the point where I tell him flat out, "Stop yelling at me!" I have asked him before if it is not impotant to him, my feelings. Whether I am right or wrong, it doesnt matter. First and formost is his inability to simply "talk" about anything. I am ALWAYS wrong, no matter what the conversation is. He is one of those who thinks he knows everything about everything no matter what the topic of conversation is. Its horrible. Hes 41 going on 16. Seriously, that is about his mentality. Having sex once or twice a month is not good and even when we do, it's really half ***, sloppy and becomes really not even worth my time. HE has to finish every time. We have had the conversation about why. I believe it is due to all the years of his **** addiction that causes this issue sexually. I miss being with a man who I can make finish and does not have to finish himself. He wont watch **** with me but if I leave, hes right on it doing his thing. He has admitted that it is not me, that it is just the way it is. He left his phone home one day and I hit the brouse button. It came up with **** sites on his phone. So, it leaves me to believe that he is satisfying himself at work int he mens room. Im certainly not getting it. He stays up till midnight or later playing world of warcraft or even doing work at home. By the time we go to bed, IF he touches my body, he falls asleep and yet again, I am left to wonder why we are even together. He wont go to counseling, that's out of the question. God forbid someone tell him hes in the wrong. If it were as simple as me leaving, I would have already done so. He lives here with me in my home. He drives MY car to work and I never have a car, cant get a job without a car, so I am literally STUCK. He really has no where to go and he made threats to me the last time I told him he should just move out. I dont know what to do anymore. Im getting older and more depressed by the moment. I have asked my doctor for a referral to a councilor for my sake. Communication would be great, but it wont happen in this case.

In my experience, people choose anger to cover up a whole host of other feelings they are experiencing. Instead of saying "Baby, I think I have a problem that's more than I can handle.", they choose anger because it's "safer" and it allows them to "save face" and stay in control.

I've learned that people with addicitions, whether it's alcohol, drugs or internet web sites, the addicted person takes out their own pain on those that are closest to them and whom they love the most. I've seen it in my family time and time again. Paternally, all but one of my aunts and uncles struggled with drug addiction... Maternally, it was alcohol. So I've experienced first hand the projected anger.

It's a hard situation to be in when you care for someone and it seems they don't reciprocate. Yes it's true that many guys look at certain web sites and "handle their business", but when doing that drives a wedge between them and their partner it becomes problematic and it needs to be addressed. The rule of thumb is, all things in moderation.

lleahdawn, just know that you are not alone. There are alot of women in similar predicaments. Ultimately, in my opinion, you have to decide for yourself when enough is enough.

My sister was in a similar situation and was unhappy for years because of her partner's borderline personality issues. She was on disability with little to no income and was dependant on her partner for most things financially. Every conversation with her was her telling me how impossible it is to communicate and resolve certain issues and that the real challenge was just getting her partner to even acknowledge that there were issues. She always confided in me that she felt she didnt have an out to her situation. I continually reminded her that there are ALWAYS options. However, the ones that are available and can change things are usually the ones that are the most difficult and take the most effort to execute.

Eventually, she applied for assistance from social services (something she was dead set on not doing due to the stigma she perceived as being attached to it). They helped her with money for a new apartment, food and even a car and cell phone. I told her, this is why we pay taxes... for unforseen situations we find ourselves in as adults. Although living on her own has brought new challenges, she says she feels like a weight has been lifted off of her shoulders and she's able to handle those challenges with a new vigor.

The point I'm making is that we all have to find the strength within ourselves to say "No More!" to those situations that are draining our vitality and peace of mind. We're only victims when we continue thinking like victims. Abraham Lincoln said "A person will be just about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Life is short and no one is promised tomorrow. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! Not in 5 years or next year... but today!

accepted said...&gt;IN MY OPINION, most relationships fail due to poor communication. Ie., she feels something isn't right with him but doesn't know what it is so she starts inventing scenarios of what might be wrong or what he might be doing. This in turn drives her crazy because she's thinking worst case scenarios that are nothing short of the apocalypse. gypsy said............................. i do this ... inventing scenarios..... omg do i ever... he wont tell me what he thinks, feels so im left to come up with my own thoughts ....... even if iim right about what is going on with him , he says im wrong and then trys to blame me for his behavior.... for gods sake he is 62 years old, u would think he had a clue by now, on how to talk things out...

if more people thought like you accept this world would be a better place... ye si agree that is why we pay taxes... to help our sevles when we need it ... i have done it many time turned to the gov for help .... thank god they werethere to help me or id be living in the streets or dead years ago ....

accept what do you do for a living if i may ask? u look very young

accept, if more people thought like you... this world would be a better place... i agree, that is why we pay taxes... to help our sevles when we need it ... i have turned to the gov for help .... thank god they were there to help me... or id be living in the streets or dead years ago

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I have sat here reading all these posts and comments. I understand what everyone is going through. I will tell you my story. I am now 48 years old. I got divorced and away from an abusive marriage of almost 20 years about 7 years ago. I was free! I felt so good and confident about myself. After my divorce, I met a man and he moved into my home, after a couple of years, we decided that it was not going to work out for us, he disliked my kids and I couldn't deal with his bipolar issues. I was devastated at the loss and went from 145 lbs to 115 in two months. I met another man a few months later. I thought, FINALLY this is the man. He is 6 years younger than me, but that did not matter to either of us. He and I have been together for just over three years now and it feels like forever. When he moved in with me, into my home, it had not even been a week, I caught him in the office at his computer ******* off to some young girls photo. He had told me he would come to bed after he downloaded a program. I was so hurt and devastated. How and why could he do this to me? Was I not good enough? I have never had any complaints and have always been told I look younger than I am. I then, unfortunately, started snooping. I found more **** on this mans computer and disks than a **** shop! I was working when he was laid off, I had my suspicions, so I put a camera in our room. Seems every time i would go to work, not 20 minutes later, hes doing his thing. Yet, he complained to me in the beginning how I always wanted sex. So? 2-3 times a week to me is not a lot. We have fought, we have argued we have come close to calling it off....all over his **** addiction and his lack of regard for me and my needs. I have really began to feel as if, this guy got with me because at the time we met, he was stuck living at his moms house. He wanted out. So, he lives with me, pays a few bills, hes a slob, hes dirty, his hygiene sucks! He has a **** addiction...seldom shows me affection and rarely has sex with me. I feel im being used. He constantly yells at me and my kids don't like him because he is verbally abusive. My kids are over 20 mind you. My daughter saw him hit me to the floor one time. He cant be trusted home alone...he will do his thing as soon as hes left alone and....I get nothing. We were engaged at one time, but i called it off and we removed our rings. We drive or go anywhere and his eyes are all over everyone else, but me. Never matters what I look like, he could seemingly care less. This guy is one who no matter the subject or who hes talking to, he knows everything! It is so annoying. This is how I feel...used, undesired, unloved, unwanted, unattractive (and self esteem is about at zero). I can not emagine living the rest of my life like this. I dont know what to do. In recent arguments, he refuses to leave. Maybe cause he has no where to go? He will jerk off at work and come home, waiting for his dinner to be cooked and his clothes to be ironed. Im feel more like his momma than anything else. I am trapped. I am not working, but I am going to school. I wish there was such a thing as online counseling. I have a car but I do not get to drive it, he drives it to work and keeps it. NEVER washes it, thats my job. Im stuck and I hate it. What the heck am I going to do?

You just gotta LEAVE! Make an exit plan then execute it. Just GO!

im goin thru the same thing.... i dont feel lik im attractive enough... my boyfriend says its not me its him, tht he doesnt have energy but i feel lik its more... i thought another woman but there arent any other signs of tht.. i just feel so insecure. n not sexy. im 19 and puerto rican... i cant even sleep bein so hurt

Is your bf around ur age? To "not have energy" in ur early 20's raises an eyebrow. /:)

Tell me more...

i would comment but this post is over 4 years old

It sounds like your husband doesn't really know how to love. Connecting emotionally is what love is all about and changes in physical appearance doesn't change that. My wife has gained weight too, but I am still attracted to her. A women's body with a few more pounds is still a women's body and thank God for that work of art!

If you can't do counseling, start keeping a journal. I finally have and it actually seems to help me clear my head. I write when I am emotional, and review later. Amazing what I see in me when I reread later.<br />
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At least, down the road should you do counseling, it is a good source of information you can take along to therapy. I have issues with discussing my private feelings with strangers, even friends, I will simply let a counselor read it some day. It woukd be more honest then me verbally trying to explain emotions and events.<br />
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Try it. It may help you with your self esteem issues, and see him for what he is doing to you.<br />
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I wish you luck<br />
hugs

Blue eyes all I can say about your husband's treatment of you is it is so lame its pathetic. Marriage counseling? He doesn't need counseling, he need an attitude transplant! I am in the process of divorcing my wife of nearly 33 years. If you think you can straighten this guy out give it a shot but with his attitude you certainly don't owe him anything. Someone who withholds sex from his wife because of her weight has serious issues. After that treatment you must wonder why you would want to have sex with someone with such attitudes. I know that is how I felt after a while. I was thinking if you are only gooing to do this as if it some kind of favor or sacrifice on your part, don't bother.

Blue eyes,<br />
I would not treat you that way. Trying to get out of sexless marriage myself. need to find a place to live and a second job first but i am leaving. I hope you can too.

Hello Ladies --<br />
<br />
I'm sorry for all of you who also experience what I consider a lack of respect, consideration and sensitivity along with some sexual issues on your partner's part. I know the men say that they just don't feel it -- they need to feel attraction, and maybe we don't spruce ourselves up enough -- but when really is enough, enough anyway? And what happens as we age -- even if we are trying our very best to look good, you can't expect miracles. We shouldn't have to -- and men that don't appreciate women on a daily basis do more to wreck their partner's looks than anything else. If your husband doesn't say anything sweet to you or act affectionate, why would you try to look better tomorrow to feel pathetic? Somewhere along the line we also lose interest in them. <br />
<br />
Okay, maybe for some men love has a strong physical component. Quite honestly, as a woman, I find that shallow and unattractive. It also makes me embarrassed whom I chose to be with. To pick such a shallow person must show I was a fool. <br />
<br />
I am no longer insulted by what my husband says, I don't really even care. To me, it's not even true anyway, I feel like he says things (usually when we're arguing) to hurt my feelings. It doesn't work anymore -- I just think he's a bad person now. I can't compare my husband to yours though -- mine really is insane too, he loves to scream. He criticizes me as much as he can, he never does anything to make me feel attractive -- on top of that, he's after me to exercise every day, which at this point I stopped even though I actually like it -- the implied insult made me resent him too.<br />
<br />
We've been together for a very long time. I look in the mirror at myself and see a very pretty woman in her 40's, very slightly overweight (maybe 15 pounds the most) -- I'm also very easy to get along with generally and try very hard to make my family happy. If my husband isn't "hot" for me, he's an idiot. That's what I think and he doesn't effect my self esteem, he just makes me hate him a little more everyday. In about 3 minutes I could get another husband -- but I don't want to upset my life or my kids lives. After this last fight he said something like I have a disgusting body -- now, I would never even say this to someone I didn't like. It's not true by the way -- really. So why did he say it? To abuse me basically. This isn't the 1st time he's said such horrible things, it's just the last. <br />
<br />
I see men who are all over their women no matter what they look like. I consider those real men and their love means something. Those men probably show respect and kindness and most areas of their lives too. I'm sorry I didn't marry one of those -- I would work my butt off to make my guy happy if I had gotten one of those. Mine isn't worth it.

come on girls i think you give too much attention on your husbands, when they are more careless towards you. First of all buy a large mirror and watch yourself daily, exercise daily, put make up, make a sexy long haircut ( men prefer long hair) wear nice clothes and high heels, These are the secrets to make any man aroused, And your man will be more aroused when he will see other men watching you, it is good to wake up some jealousy inside him, to open his eyes and realise that he has a beautiful woman next. You are women, not plain beings, forget about your husbands, about your children, dedicate only 2 hours a day for yourselves, start a healthy diet, eat in small pieces and drink lots of water to cut the mood for eating. You become obsessed with your husbands and this is boring them, they want fun, they want to enjoy, not to listen every day to some desperate accusations just because you are obsessed with them and they are obviously not.

come on girls i think you give too much attention on your husbands, when they are more careless towards you. First of all buy a large mirror and watch yourself daily, exercise daily, put make up, make a sexy long haircut ( men prefer long hair) wear nice clothes and high heels, These are the secrets to make any man aroused, And your man will be more aroused when he will see other men watching you, it is good to wake up some jealousy inside him, to open his eyes and realise that he has a beautiful woman next. You are women, not plain beings, forget about your husbands, about your children, dedicate only 2 hours a day for yourselves, start a healthy diet, eat in small pieces and drink lots of water to cut the mood for eating. You become obsessed with your husbands and this is boring them, they want fun, they want to enjoy, not to listen every day to some desperate accusations just because you are obsessed with them and they are obviously not.

My husband has told me the same thing. We've only been married a little over two years. After having our daughter I gained weight and have been trying to work it off. I've lost 40 pounds. But its still not where I was when I was 18 when we met. He says he still loves me but if I dont lose the weight, get my confidence back and be the girl he married hes not going to stay. i dont know what to do. im trying my hardest, but now with all of the responsibilites of a child and marriage its hard to be the same girl i was. especially with the pressure and the fact that my marriage depends on me alone. my husband has severe ptsd and always blames it on that. he says im always analyzing him but how can i not analyze him in my head when he never smiles, he doesnt want to touch me. <br />
i just want to get to know him again. we tried going on a date tonight, dinner and a movie and coffee like when we were dating. he put his arm around me at the theatre, and i realized it was the first time in almost a year. i almost cried. im so tired of crying my self to sleep alone evvery night. any advice?

yes, seek councelling. He is depressed, its not you. He probably does have ptsd and needs help to deal with it. That's what happens w/ptsd, you get withdrawn and can't show emotion, there is a big wall built up and the person can't help it.

Oh man I am SO sorry that you ALL are or have, gone through this. My story is VERY similar, only I was HOT (I mean, my body and my face) BEFORE we had our daughter together 5 years ago. I gained 60 pounds AFTER I had her. Weird I know. Nonetheless, I am and have been, a stay at home Mother of 3 since our daughters birth, and my husband NEVER initiates sex with me. It's not just the sex though- he NEVER says nice things to me. We have been together for 9 years and the first half, he was used to a sexy woman........ now I feel like a disgusting pig. He has never said anything negative about my weight UNTIL a few months ago while in a fight, he mocked me by what I had said followed by him with his arms spread out besides him and said "you are a big lazy fat ***". WOW. I was (and still am) CRUSHED! I found out he had an affair (supposedly did not sleep with her >yea right<) and she was 19.. he was 34. GROSS. Do you have any idea what THAT did to me? About 8 months later, still not receiving ANY attention or respect from him, I ended up having an affair myself. So desperate for someone to see something good out of me-. I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE DOING THAT (for the record)- but some of you may understand. Though his was in 2007, and mine was in 2008- I STILL think of what he did first. I think he still thinks about her, etc. I really feel horrible and STILL not good enough. I am on the borderline of having another affair.. the ONLY thing stopping me is- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. Disgust

Oh man I am SO sorry that you ALL are or have, gone through this. My story is VERY similar, only I was HOT (I mean, my body and my face) BEFORE we had our daughter together 5 years ago. I gained 60 pounds AFTER I had her. Weird I know. Nonetheless, I am and have been, a stay at home Mother of 3 since our daughters birth, and my husband NEVER initiates sex with me. It's not just the sex though- he NEVER says nice things to me. We have been together for 9 years and the first half, he was used to a sexy woman........ now I feel like a disgusting pig. He has never said anything negative about my weight UNTIL a few months ago while in a fight, he mocked me by what I had said followed by him with his arms spread out besides him and said "you are a big lazy fat ***". WOW. I was (and still am) CRUSHED! I found out he had an affair (supposedly did not sleep with her >yea right<) and she was 19.. he was 34. GROSS. Do you have any idea what THAT did to me? About 8 months later, still not receiving ANY attention or respect from him, I ended up having an affair myself. So desperate for someone to see something good out of me-. I DO NOT RECOMMEND ANYONE DOING THAT (for the record)- but some of you may understand. Though his was in 2007, and mine was in 2008- I STILL think of what he did first. I think he still thinks about her, etc. I really feel horrible and STILL not good enough. I am on the borderline of having another affair.. the ONLY thing stopping me is- HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. Disgust

I have to put this out here.. <br />
<br />
This might sound harsh, but in a lot of ways it's true: a woman can date and fall head over heels for a chubby guy if he gives her the emotional excitement and romance. However, most men would overlook a really sweet girl who is on the heavy side in favor of a girl who is average-to-thin, even if the girl isn't as sweet.<br />
<br />
Men are physical. Don't get this confused with shallow; men generally don't require a girl to have a flawless body. What's important to a man is that the woman puts forth a reasonable effort to be physically attractive. To say that the body shouldn't matter is basically asking a man to view sex like a woman does, which is unfair because he's not a woman. It's more physical for a man. <br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong.. as a man I wouldn't expect a woman to take care of herself if I'm not trying to do the same thing for her, but physical attraction is what tends to get (and help keep) the man's attention. It's different if the woman is pregnant or just had a baby or has genetic/thyroid issues. Men need to understand those situations.

I am so sorry to read this he is foolish .

I fixed it!!!<br />
<br />
I was in the same boat, our sex life slowly melted away to nothing while at the same time I became very out of shape. I am a pear shape so I put my weight on around the hips, which is why I was able to lie to myself by dressing around the fact that I looked pathetic in the nude. Early on, I would try and let my hubby know I was in the mood by walking around in the nude in the morning after my shower, I actually thought he might be gay because he would purposely avoid eye contact.<br />
<br />
Then one morning, I had an ah ha moment where I caught a glance at myself in the mirror, ouch! Considering that men are 99% visual when it comes to attraction, it is no wonder he did not desire me as I looked a mess. No wonder he avoided looking at me.<br />
<br />
I committed to having a beautiful body, had liposculpting done as a start, and after healing up started a workout plan to include weights. That was two years ago, I am now 47 and look 1000% better than the day we were married!<br />
<br />
Now for the best part, our sex life has fully returned. My husband now ATTACKS me, and a really strange thing is he lasts WAY longer than before. We make love for an hour at a time (used to be mostly oral with a five minute intercourse session), the difference is like night and day! I also have more confidence and initiate the sex<br />
<br />
I don't know if my situation is right for you, I just wanted to share my story.

You know, I agree with SOME of the things you say. For instance, without a doubt, I agree that men don't like a chubby wife/girlfriend ESPECIALLY when she used to look HOT!
But on the flip side, do you know why you two are having sex so much more and why he attacks you????????????/
ANSWER: BECAUSE YOU ARE CONFIDENT AND SECURE WITH YOURSELF! Men are attracted to that as well.. period

That's plain sadistic and awful. A person doesn't give you worth nor value. In Isa 55, The LORD is your husband, regarding where you're begin with PRAYER. Christian counseling would be grand also. <br />
<br />
Build your esteem and read the bible at what FAITH in Jesus will do for you, your family, home and future which is far brighter than what you're presently projecting.<br />
<br />
<br />
BE ENCOURAGED!!!

I really need to share my story with someone as I feel so sad and alone.<br />
<br />
I am a 25 year old woman who has been with a man for 6 years. We havent had sex at all in the past year, and rarely in the past 2 years. I have tried to initiate sex a few times, but got told each time 'I'm not in the mood'. He would always tell me it wasnt anything to do with me and blamed it on his depression, stating that he had completely lost his libido. <br />
I recently found out that he has been looking at alot of *****, and that he has been pursuing other women over the internet to have cyber sex with. When I confronted him about my findings, he told me that in fact his libido had come back a while ago, and that the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore and pursues cyber sex with other women is because he doesn't find me physically attractive anymore as I have put on some weight (approximately 13 kilos. I'm 5'8, used to be 67 kilos when we got together, but am now around 80 kilos). He told me that he still loves me, that I am his best friend, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but doesn't want to have sex with me as he no longer finds me physically attractive. He blames it on my flabby stomach and legs and said that he prefers women who look like the social norm standard for sexiness and are skinny. He told me that it was hard for him to tell me this, and that he 'didn't want to hurt my feelings'.<br />
<br />
Since he said this I have felt devestated. I'm crying whenever no-one else is around, and I feel so ashamed of my body when I'm with him. I cant stop thinking about it. I've been covering myself up in front of him and feel embarrased for him to see or touch my body. I feel like he's looking at my flab and feeling repulsed by it. The worst part is that when we got together he told me that he liked 'real' women who have curves and aren't wafer thin. I am so hurt, angry, betrayed, decieved, sexually frustrated and utterly miserable.

LEAVE HIS DUMBASS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in shock... there I thought I am one in one million that has this problem and then I find this web page... I am so sorry that you have to go through this... I know exactly how you feel as my story is very very similar to yours. Sending you hugs!

My boyfriend and I have 3 1/2 years together. We haven't had sex in 2 years. He just recently told me that he isn't attracted to me anymore. He says that the reason for this is because I put on weight and I haven't been taking care of myself like I use too (nails, hair done at the salon). Mine you I am too pretty for him and I have a better job than he does. I feel really hurt and devastated. The person that I once knew I do not know anymore. I am considering breaking up with him. What if I ever have a child from him? He would leave me in a heart beat. I'm really hurt over this. I don't know what to do. Can I still turn him on?

men try to blame us for their short comings - this way we would not notice theirs

I got married very young and thought being married was going to be so much fun. My husband was always wanting to have sex with me while we were dating so I figured he would always be that way. But on the night of my honeymoon he watched TV and ignored me the whole night. I cried by myself in the bath on my honeymoon. I thought maybe it was just a one time thing and he would'nt do that anymore. I was wrong. I am young I workout almost every day . I am what alot of guys would say very pretty. But my husband will not have sex with me . I have been married for 10 years and each year has gotten worse and worse. I have only had sex maybe 5 times in 2 years. He claims it is my attitude but I try and do everything for him. I have tried every trick in the book to get him intrested but nothing works. I one time dressed up in something sexy and wore alot of makeup (He likes that look.) but he just laughed at me watched TV and ignored me. I have gone to bed for 10 years by myself and most nights I cry myself to sleep. I do not believe in divorce . But I do not know what to do. I feel like cheating . But the truth is I want him to want me. He takes long showers and locks me out of the room while he is on the computer do you think that he would rather wack off to girls on the computer then be with a real girl?? He never said he didn't like the way I look but he never says anything nice either and always talks about other women I mean always. Then he says I am jealous so he won't have sex with me . But if he did be with me and say nice things about me . I would'nt care if he looked at other women. I just feel really lonely .

My husband has never actually come forth and said he's not attracted to my body, but I've found him on several sex sites searching for females with "Big butts"... which I completely lack! He talks nasty to these females and master*ates to their pics and videos. It makes me feel soooooo looowww!!

Hello I feel the same way as Nosum. The beauty is inside each of us. The outside will age sooner or later. Keep going to therapy, he is a human being who does not appreciate you. Remember that whatever he thinks about your beauty does not matter.. what it matters to you is the way you see yourself... God made us unique and special to all of us.. our beauty is inside not in the outside. If he can not see it, well too bad. Instead of getting depress please SHINE ... he is blind ...can not recognize you inner beauty... :)

I am so sorry that your husband is acting that way .My wife is not attracted to me either I used to be hansome and strong now I am old and strong ,she is still very attractive to me she does not think she is pretty but I tell her she is still very sexy and pretty and she is in my eyes.She has greyed alittle and has a fallen a little here and there her *** is getting bigger ,wich I love .I could never be hurtfull and tell her I was not attracted to her anymore .I try to make love to her daily and she will usually give in monthly I do not understand your husband and think he should do without you for a while just to see what he has lost.We all take each other for granted and expect them to be there for us once he sees you are gone he might just change his mind and if not you are better off without him.

I'ts ok sweetheart. I'm 138 lbs and 5'7 and my husband told me today that I don't turn him on and I've let myself get "chubby". ...And then guys wonder why women cheat...(I never have, just saying it's a miracle we don't with all the **** they say to us)

I've been sitting here crying reading everyones posts. It hurts so much when someone we love beats up our self esteem with thoughtless mean words. I admit I don't look like I did when we got married almost 6 yrs ago..but 2 kids and age will do it to you. My husband is in the military and has been deployed 3 times in the past 4 yrs. So a lot is left here for me to deal with. So I already feel tired and run down. He had an affair 2 yrs ago but I was pregnant and thought we could still work it out. Nothing I do is good enough though. He tells me he isn't attracted to me. I feel more like his sister. We have sex but it's more for him. He's never pleasured me all the way. I feel like I jump through hoops to satisfy him. But if I put on lingerie he laughs at me and tells me it doesn't look right on me. He hasnt initiated sex in years. I have to ask him for it. And then wait for a yes or no reply. If I try to spice things up he just says "ahhh...what are you doing?" and then he goes back to whatever he's doing. my heart is so broken. i wish i could just get something in return. I wish i could feel valuable and important. I wish he made me feel like a woman. i'm 26 and i feel like ive just been wasting away. i have no self esteem left.

Leave the bastard

I had no idea sexless marriages were so common, I thought I was an anomoly. Well we've been married for 4 years and to be honest I know my husband was never really attracted to me. I'm 32 and hes 35. We have sex maybe once a month if i'm lucky, but to be quite honest I don't even want it anymore. I'm tired of having the same arguement over and over so I now say nothing. I try to look on the brighter side of things. I used to want a family but I'm accepting the reality of the situation which is that no sex = no kids like duh! lol . So all I want now is for him to stop telling folks we just don't have kids yet when we both know in our hearts were never gonna have any. I'm tired of folks looking at me like", what the hell is wrong with you geez, get pregnant already." I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, "What the flick do I look like Mary get off my ******* back you don't know our story!"...but I don't lol.<br />
We just completed a beautiful house and I'm happy with it and I sometimes wish I had some kids to put in it but I think sometimes you just need to say God please give me the strenght to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. <br />
I'm thankful for all the blessings God has given me and I don't think we were all meant to have smooth sailings in this life. GOD didn't so why should we?<br />
Hes insensitive at most times and he makes me feel like the stuff you scrape up from under your shoe sometimes but hes always there for me when I need him. I get anxiety attacks sometimes and I need him to talk me through them. I don't know how many men would do that and for that I'm greatful. I need him, We still sleep together because I'd rather not sleep alone but thats all. We never kiss, we don't touch and there are very few compliments between us but we work. We built a lovely home and all we need to do now is put our heads down and work to pay it off. I'm easily pleased and while I turn away all advances made towards me I like the idea of being wanted it reminds me that I'm still a woman and an attractive one at that and no matter how much he rejects me romantically nothing is gonna change that. :) Love Yourself First!.

My explanation is that these men are either cheating on you or they cheated on themselves when they met you , sometimes we are drawn to people simply because of their personality even if we are not attracted to them phisically in the begining and when things in the relationship go wrong what ever they were attracted to is gone , so you can have a boob job , run a marathon men will still look at the other woman men are hunters if they feel there is nothing to hunt they will look elsewhere ,

First of all, it's not necessarily always your physical appearance, or maybe it's a combination and they don't even know. When my husband and I first got married he couldn't keep his hands or mouth off of me (if you know what I mean). I would literally have had to beat him off with a stick if i wasn't in the mood, which by the way never happened... but then when we had our first child, sex dropped to 1-3 months and he won't perform oral on me anymore. This went on for years, and began to include a total lack of any kind of affection, and then after our second child he still was refusing any sexual intimacy or affection of any kind. so i hinted to him, trying to be all sexy (which i only feel like a reject or an idiot for anymore) that i was done with the post baby bleeding and my dr. check had come back good... i walk in the next afternoon, which happened to be our anniversary and find him watching ****... WOW! so i naturally am very hurt, and after much fighting and almost leaving and talking and crying... he tells me that I am not the same woman he married nor do i have the same vagina, because now I'm the mother of his children... I thought this was supposed to make men MORE ATTRACTED to you? I didn't gain a gross amount of weight, I still take care of myself and keep clean, I do all the wife/mother duties... i have some stretch marks, but it's not too bad...he also said that he just got into the habit of not showing me affection, but he "doesn't know why"... but now he says that "the mother" comment wasn't at all a bad thing, and that it didn't mean that he's not attracted to me. but i can make advances and he totally rejects me. he calls me a pervert and nympho when i ask for sex, even it's been weeks or months since we last had any intimate contact. I can be naked in front of him, or try seducing him, clothes on or off and he just snickers and tells me to quit being a retard, or something to that effect. so now, i'm miserable a good portion of the time, and he always says he's too tired for sex (love that, it's his newest excuse among a long list of them). i don't think he loves me anymore, and i always feel like a worthless POS because i love him so much and i'm so attracted to him but he just refuses and rejects me constantly. i feels ashamed and embarrassed to try and seduce him anymore, like i'm bad or dirty or weird for still want sex, and heaven forbid oral sex, now that i'm a mother. when i've brought up ideas such as a weekend away he tells me that i'm skirting my duties as a mother and that my priorities are f**ked up. also, he will not be alone with me, and if for some reason it happens, ie the girls go to g-ma and g-pa's he automatically starts being a rude a-hole to me and being mean, and i think it's just because he knows i might ask him for "something" and he doesn't want me to... i

Wow your story reminds me alot of what I been going through. I also have 2 children. And during pregnancy I had sex 1 time. And now my baby is 8 months old and I have had it maybe 2 times since a total of 5 times in 2 years. It is really hard because my husband also looks at girls on the computer and takes long showers. To me that stuff is replacing me but I won't leave him because I have 2 kids. I also tried suduceing him and I got laughed at .I even stooped so low to say I will watch some **** with him even though I know that means he will be thinking about the person that he is watching but he refused to that to. I am lost .What do people like us do? If we cheat then what is it really worth it? Im sick of constent insults and hearing him tell me that other girls are so much better looking then me .I am not a ugly person . I workout almost everyday. I lost all my baby weight, I tan. But I stilI go to bed and he stays up watching TV every night. Some times I hear him whistling at the TV because he sees a girl he thinks is hot. Its hard because I go to bed alone every night. I have for ten years now. I hope things get better for you but it has been 10 years that I have been married to him and things never got better. I get through it some days but then I break down other days . The best thing you can do is pay all your attention to your kids and ignore your husband and hope one day things will be differerent.

I can’t believe all the comments here about how horrible your husbands are for being honest. How many times have you asked them to be honest with you? Show effort by watching what you are eating and going to the gym. The mere fact that you are taking self initiated action should spur the attraction in him. Men are conquerors and adventurers. If your husband has no network of friends, hates his job and has to come home to an obese wife, do you think he is going to be happy? You should drink water, work out, eat salad and take care of yourself. That means no fast food, cake, sweets, chips, and whatever else teenage girls and old fat women eat. Men are not women and you would do well to stop trying to interpret his words and way of thinking through a female lens. Encourage him to go out and get drunk like he did in college and let him return home to you. If you’re fat you need to lose the weight. Stop making excuses and do it. If your thighs touch together, that’s unattractive. If your stomach is fat, that is unattractive. If your face is fat, that is an absolute nightmare for any man. You have to realize that every time a woman with a tight body and nice legs walks by him a major battle takes place. The man in him says man she is hot. The beast in him is thinking about what she looks like naked. The husband in him says, no, I am in love and I have a wonderful woman. The good in him asks God for forgiveness and he continues on with his day. This could happen 10, 20 or 30 times a day, and he is not bad because of it. He is a man and this is how we are wired. If you and he are spending all your free time watching dancing with the stars and TV commercials with the most physically beautiful women in the world on them…then you are digging your own grave. The male mind takes pictures like a camera and stores them on a hard drive with infinite memory. Again, not our fault. If you want him to want you rekindle the adventure in your relationship. That does not mean cook a meal and light two candles when the most important football game of the year is on. It means set a goal to fit into jeans and look good. Go out dancing, mingle with friends, have a few drinks, and take time away from each other. Encourage him to go places with his brothers or friends and you do the same. Everyone is stressed. Many women have kids. Most people have money and marital problems. And none of it is an excuse to be fat. It most likely took him ten years of watching you get bigger and bigger before he said something. If you went from being the long haired skinny girl to the fat short haired woman who looks like her mother…he probably wants to shoot himself in the head 4 days a week. At least he had the courage to tell you. You should respect that. Don’t listen to all these man hating women who think the world owes them something for having kids. Be yourself. Be the adventurous girl he fell in love with. The one who was willing to do anything with him and for him….and go to the Frigging gym.

I look better then I ever have and he still won't touch me. So I don't agree .

dont kid yourself.. not enough.. and maby too little too late.. for every fat whiner on here, there is a hot woman getting it on (with your husband).. marriage doesn't guarantee entitlement.. you need to work that fat ***. bottom line.

I can relate to your story, I am a 34 year old woman and I am about 30kg's over weight, I gained weight after I had my son, I am on a contraceptive injection as we do not want anymore children, (I dont see the point of me being on it and it doesnt help with the weight situation) My husband says my weight doesnt bother him but I know it does I can tell by the way he gives me "the Look" when I am naked around him, I am scared to ask him to be completely honest with me about how he feels because deep down I already know the answer, and I dont want him to say It out loud I know that will really hurt me, but I am really unhappy. Has anyone got any advise for me?

i have been married for a year and a half.... we were dating for 6 years before we got married.... i thought i knew my husband real good before i said a yes when he proposed..<br />
right from our first night he has been forever trying to put me down in way or another... he never wants to have sex with me... in the past one and a half years we have just had sex like... 8 times or so... when i asked him so as to why he was not interested, he said he was not sexually attracted to me... he said i was fat, short and had small breasts... he does not want to have a baby.. nor has he decided what or where to work. (both of us a junior doctors) though i come from a conservative society..( in india divorcees are still not accepted in the society) , when i shared this to my parents , they were fully supportive . but i am still thinking of how it is to go through a divorce and all... i feel he does things to hurt me deliberately and to destroy my self esteem.... but the sad part is i do not know why i am still attached to him... still love him... last christmas i discovered my husband was a transvestite and a bisexual... maybe that's what is troubling him... <br />
i am not sure if i have to stay by his side to help him out of his sexual problems?

hello, not only you who experience like that...me too I never get a foreplay, just straight intercourse once a week and he'll be interested in sex when Im not able, eg period..and what I don't understand is I have a sexy body 32-25-34..tanned skin, long curly hair,I feel ugly though I know Im not..when he sees attractive women hes apprediate notice their breast but why not me??? I feel depress at times..though I just keep my self fit and looking nice, if his not please at least I pleased myself..also other people gives me compliments..

Thank you for your words of clarity, notseekinghookups. I just realized last night that my husband is a narcissist. Everything has to be about him. I am just a thing to cook his dinner and give him pleasure. Since he no longer gets pleasure from looking at me, according to him, it's time for me to change so that I can pleasure him again. I don't think he ever really loved me, he only loved what I did for him and how I made him feel. You are right, he never had deep abiding love for me. I think I've always known that, but just reading it puts things into perspective for me. <br />
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Hopebeingbutterfly, I totally feel your pain. I'm trying so hard not to allow my husband's words and actions to destroy my self-esteem, but it's really hard not to. It just really upsets me that I've allowed a person like him to have so much power over me, and I never even realized that until recently. And you know what the worst part of it is? He tries so hard to make my daughters dress modestly because he doesn't want men to have inappropriate thoughts about them (no tank tops, no skirts or dresses above the knee, etc) and yet he looks at naked women online. He's a phony and a hypocrite. I'm starting to get angrier the more I think about it. He is the VERY type of man that he wants his daughters to stay away from. <br />
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I actually have an appointment to see a marriage counselor on Friday. I really hope he comes with me. After all the crap he's put me through, I still think there's some semblance of hope and I'm willing to try even though I'm so burnt out.

hopebeingbutterfly & chocolatemomma I really feel for you & your situations. It must be very painful. My beloved has gained a huge amount of weight due to edema & asscities (the body retains huge amounts of water) caused from Liver Disease. When I married her she was very much the beauty queen type that many women actually get jealous over because it came so easy for her. This weight gain for a time really destroyed her self image. <br />
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The difference is due to my abbiding love for her it NEVER changed the fact that I still desire her. I would be lying if I said she was still as physically attractive as she was when we met. BUT there is a BIG difference between attraction & desire. Physical attraction is superficial. It will also always fade with time. So will mine. Whereas desire comes from when we deeply love somebody that we plan on sharing a lifetime with.<br />
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I hope this doesn't come off as harsh about your husbands but it sounds as if they never truley had that deep abiding love that one should have for their spouse. They are also very shallow. Anybody who goes into a marriage & expects their spouse (male of female) to stay that beauty we married is living in fantasy. <br />
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It also sounds as though everything is about them. Ask yourself what would have happened if you had developed cancer or some other dibilitating illness? Would they just check out because it changes your looks or because then they would have to sacrifice their some of self to be there for you? It sounds as though they would. I never expected what happened to my beloved. But I married her in sickness & in health. Sometimes it means we have to place self second for the greater good. I would guess that the issues your husbands have go far beyond weight. Just know that you both didn't do anything to deserve this. Know that it was the self centered actions of your spouse. best of luck.

ChocolateMommy, yesterday, I spent 1/2 the day crying. I know that my post sounds positive and that I am going to change and blah blah blah. I am trying, but it is difficult, I think it would be easier for me to lose the 20 pounds overweight I am if he helped by exercising with me once in a while. You see, since I am short, I know that I have to weigh somewhere around 120 to 130 to be at a healthy range for a 5'1 person. My husband wants me to weigh 100 lbs. I am just going to have to vent all over again.<br />
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I used to be 215 lbs before I met my husband. By the time I met him I was down to 165 to 175. All my life I have struggled with weight problems and my parents were no help. After I got married, I started cooking for the both of us and I had more control of the food etc., so the change in cooking helped me lose another 10 to 15 lbs. One day after we were already married, perhaps 6 months or a year, he started having problems with finishing and I asked him to talk to me and tell me if perhaps I should do something different. I was trying to be understanding, just so you know. He complained the following: I never work hard enough when we are having sex, instead I just stay there and lay in bed waiting for him, NOT TRUE by the way, in the beginning I would try make everything look very nice for him, candles, aromas, rose petals, a nice gown etc. ANyways, he added to that, that my weight was a problem, but since we were so new to our marriage and he was the first man in my life, I started crying and I pretty much acted like a kid. It didn't really register back then as a newlywed and I didn't I thought, maybe he said out of frustration. So, I let it go.<br />
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Today , the passion in my marriage is non-existent, I have offered to dance for him, hey I would even poll dance for the guy. I have offered to do unthinkable things for him, that was before he made me feel like a whale. Anyways, the fatal day he broke my heart...he told me that I should be considerate to him, because I don't know what it is to live with someone you are not attracted to. He said that his attraction was not physical towards me, it was who I was that he loved, but that he hoped I would lose weight. I WAS JUST LISTENING the whole time. He made me a deal, he said if I lost 20 lbs. he wouldn't be embarrassed to go dancing with me and that by then he would have sex with me. That day, we went out to have lunch with my family. I swear, I felt the world was breaking in 2, it was my mother's birthday and all I could think of was, how do I get out of this.<br />
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We ended up having a BIG fight perhaps 1 week later. I finally expressed how I felt, told him he was shallow and kept crying the who time, I couldn't help myself but to cry. I finally said that I wished I could stop loving him. I told him that he had my blessing to leave and that perhaps it was good for us to separate. NOPE, nothing like that, he said that he would always love me. THE BODY IS THE PROBLEM, LOL.....I have to laugh now at this, because believe me, that this is probably the worst nightmare. <br />
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This has opened up my eyes though, I understand why he did so many things. He has never once told me what he likes about me, unless I ask and he gives me the sort of nice things you would say to a very deformed individual who you can't literally tell that they have great eyes or nice hair because you know they were burned in an accident. <br />
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I can't lose weight fast enough for him to see me in a different way. I assure you, I want my husband like nothing else, I only fantasize about him. I am not the kind of woman, that would make a comment, like: I want Brad Pitt in bed or something like that. I am heartbroken by the whole thing, I want to lose weight and I have managed to lose again 8 lbs, I am down to 154 again, DID HE NOTICE? NO OF COURSE NOT, he wants me to weigh 100 lbs. He wants me to look like a little skinny girl, he wants me to wear cute clothing...(HE ACTUALLY SAID THAT). <br />
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I am very sad by all of this...Depressed I should say and I think I am going to have to go to counseling again. I wanted to feel him close to me this past Sunday, so I asked him if he would cuddle with me, and he said that only for a little bit because he was very tired.<br />
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I think I need to go back to church and perhaps listen to a bunch of sermons of why I need to stay with him. I know sex isn't the most important thing in life and I could live without it all my life, but I don't want that choice. I crave sooooooooooooooo much for just one lustful look from husband, its absurd.

I am going through the exact same thing in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 8&1/2 years and I have 3 kids. For the past 2 weeks, my husband has not been able to look at me and if he comes home, he doesn't stay long. We finally got to talking a few days ago and I asked him if he's been looking at ****, and he said, "just boobs." Then he told me, "I'm a man and you need to lose weight. I want to be like, wow that's my wife! You just need to lose weight." I told him that I'm not attracted to him either, even though he pretty much looks the same as when we first got married. I said since he treats me like crap, I don't think he's attractive. You know, I was never really upset at him for looking at **** because I tried to understand why he does it. So, I tried to compare his **** addiction with my food addiction. But finally, I had had enough and I screamed at the top of my lungs and told him that he humiliates me, he belittles me and breaks my spirit when he does things like that. (Mind you, I've never yelled at him in our entire marriage, so he was pretty shocked.) I left the house to pick up our daughter from school, and when I got back he apologized to me. Well, I was trying to be nice to him, but I was just so hurt by what he'd said to me. So, I'm trying to sever my feelings for him a little at a time to protect my heart. I know that that's wrong, but he has only ever hurt me, but I've always been faithful and forgiving to him. He doesn't reciprocate the love that I give to him. Being excited to see him is the same as being excited to see a wall, he never shows me any love, only criticizes me. He always told me that I never initiate sex, so I'd been trying to do that lately. Well, one night, he didn't finish and just went to the living room. I was so hurt by that and I told myself that I will never initiate sex ever again. I've experienced so much rejection from this man. He hurts me so much. Yes I know I am overweight, but I think I still look good. I try to make myself look nice and wear things that I feel good in. He always tells me that I let myself go, but so many other people always tell me that I'm beautiful. I don't feel beautiful around my husband. I feel like I'm being judged. But the ironic thing is that when we first got together, he was so insecure because he knew that other men were looking at me. He would get angry for no reason, thinking that other men were lusting after me. So, I stopped wearing makeup and pretty much wore sweats and t-shirts to make him feel better. I was feeling really ugly, even though I was slender. Now that I'm overweight, he still has issues with my body. I just can't win with this man.

Well, a lot of the things I have read have happened to me. My husband told me he isn't attracted to me this year on January 23, 2010, right after we had made love and he couldn't finish. He said that it was my fault. Eight years we have been married, I didn't cry immediately, I think I was in shock, he said that I was fat in simple terms. He told me that if I want to go dancing with him, I had to lose 20 pounds. Now, I must tell you that he met the way I am. He doesn't want children with me either and at one point in our marriage I got sick and lost 30 pounds and during that time he claims that our sex life was better. Funny, I can't remember that because I still remember every rejection. Anyways, it has served me good to come and read this post. I wonder if there is a club or group where I live with unwanted women. I have seriously thought that maybe I should have been a lesbian. My life is still sexless, I have given him every opportunity to be free, he is quite handsome, at least to me. I on the other hand am short, not skinny, just a little overweight HOT Latina. YUP, I am in trouble with my husband, I almost bought a vibrator on amazon, but I think I am going to still to the exercise plan and learn to love myself for who I am. Before he tore my life apart on that terrible day, I actually thought I was pretty. I did go to therapy and I must say that I have to give my husband some credit. He is very caring, he even holds my hand when we watch TV and when we walk somewhere.<br />
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So, ladies and gentleman, I think I have learned that I am going to enjoy myself and have a happy life with or without him, in case he ever leaves me for another woman, probably a skinny one like him, at least I got to meet and live with my soulmate and best friend for a while. I will keep working to become healthier and thinner, but not for him. I will do it FOR ME!

You may file for divorce without his blessing. If I were you I would strongly consider it because this will never get any better. Any man that is that rude to his wife doesn't deserve anything from her except a handful of divorce papers.

To Everyone in this chat, I feel your pain and understand I'm a 30 year old gay male that has been with my partner for for over 2 years, When we first met he was wonderful, attentive, and giving and our sex was amazing, but now it's been 2 years and in the past year we have only had sex twice, despite my advances and things i try to do to make myself more attractive. I must say that when we first met i was a lot thinner and in much better shape over time as I did things to try to be healthier IE. quit smoking, gym, diet, I only gained weight. I began to battle with clinical depression and started taking pills that caused me to put on more weight now 45 pounds heavier, I have been the butt of his jokes, and he even had the nerve to tell me one night after we left a club that i was "fat" mind you he is 8 yrs older than me and recently underwent weight lose surgery with much success, and while I wasn't the biggest fan of it I supported it , and him and cared for him even until this day , HE HAS ASKED FOR 3SOMES AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER THINGS HE TALKS ABOUT OTHER MEN RIGHT TO MY FACE !!! he has said that he generally likes men to be smaller than him, my self esteem is in the toilet, my heart breaks everyday as I lay in bed next to him and know that he is no longer attracted to me. he says he loves me and cant see himself living life without me but my question to him and all of you is: Is Love enough? is love alone enough to sacrifice my dignity, and emotional health, is love alone enough to make me stay in a relationship where im more of a safety blanket, and friend than a best friend and lover? I'm sorry to rant on for so long but this is the first time ive been able to let this out ..... <br />
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Thanks for reading any suggestions will be greatly appreciated :)

oh my god i am having a problem myself It is now 1 am and I am on the couch I WAS teasing my hubby and Making him hard I started to do oral and he was happy But then I told him to have sex with me in nicer terms. Ans he goes to stick it in , & he sticks it all over but not in the right stop, Not to be gross and he starts to gget soft so here i am naked on the bed and he says Its getting soft , ur not turning me on and plus its cold in here" I am like WTF OMG I was soo hurt and embarrassed I ran into the living room and said this is not going to work anymore.. I am so confused and hurt so I dont know what to do.. We been together 4 yrs and Our sex life sucks we never ever have sex and we want kids so today I turned him on and he turned me off.. Now what Besides crying & posting this Pleasee helppp

oops, sorry for the above keep getting it wrong, but here goes!<br />
We were married fifteen years ago. When we were first together, sex was red hot, but I dont think I need to tell you guys how a life together can ruin that! My husband lost interest in sex with me for lots of reasons, but here are just a few. Our desires weren't matched and he felt intimidated by me. THe things he finds really hot are things I just cant do. He LOVES women that can do erotic dance...Im so pathetic and bad at it that it humiliates me now just remembering the few times I tried it for him and his shocked and appalled reactions LOL! So basically, the things that yank his chain I cant do, and the things that do ti for me lave him cold. Add on top of this, an enormous number of really big and some pretty minor fights and arguments, my gaining a LOT of weight, and his innate character which is one of total repression and inwardness (oh yes folks, the magic of and English boarding school education) and his desire to physically be with (what feels like ) any other woman on the whole planet except me, and you end up with a sexless marriage. Of course, the down side is that your self esteem falls through the floor. YOu end up humiliated, in deep DEEP pain, nursing a sense of bereavement that you cant quite get a handle on. There are many books and therapists out there who say things can be changed. Im writing this because I want to try and explain a little about the journey Ive gone through over the last 15 years, because its not just going to be a situation that goes away for most of you.<br />
To the poor woman whos husband adimtted that he just didnt find her sexy anymore, IM afraid IM going to throw a spanner in the works. Try and turn the situation around a bit. I know you are really hurting, but Jeez, you have a relationship which has enough trust in it for your husband to believe that he can be honest and candid with you. Men are not like us - sure they see the beauty within blah blah blah, but mostly they're driven by the beauty outside. They desire through visual stimulation. It sucks big time, but thats just the way it is. Try and get over the hurt a little and loose a few pounds and know that when you do that your sex life willl be back on track a bit (plus a bit of baggage and resentment, but heh...show me a marriage without that!) Think yourself lucky that a few ponds on your butt is all thats keeping your husband from jumping on you - its an easy fix! Hurtful but in a way, hes kinds of enlightened being so honest with you. <br />
FOr everyone else out there Im going to cut this as short as I can. Basically, I spent 15 years emotionally kicking and screaming against a situation I hated and could see was getting worse with each passionless year. Eventually, the continual arguing, confrontation, complete inability to understand each others feelings hurt me, humiliated me and messed me up so much I just got exhausted by the whole thing. I decided I needed to make a choice. I needed to live in a marriage with someone I care about deeply and who I promised to be with forever, even though Im completely unsatisfied sexually and every day mourn for a huge loss in my life that I know will never be filled.....or I had to just leave and find someone else. After years and years of trying, it became apparent to me that I couldn't fix this, and I suspect there are an enormous number of wives like me out there. Its just plain broken, and it cant be fixed - ever. MAybe like me, your husband still loves you very much, but ultimately you are just buddies that look after your kids together. Its not fine, its not ok, but for me its the only possible solution. I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. I prayed to god to give me the strength to make this decision, and now I working it through. Most of the time its ok. Sometimes, its not ok and I get engulfed by a sea of pain and repressed anger and hurt that Ive managed to lock away. When that happens, I have to start emotionally rebuilding all over again and locking all those feelings up again even tighter than before. Its hard work, but its all there is. <br />
It sounds awful but the reason Im saying this is because I was so seduced by all the self help books, the oprah shows, the therapists - its so easy to believe you can change or fix a situation when you so badly want to, but sometimes the bravest step you can make is to acknowledge that something is broken and cant be fixed and make the very best of it you can. I dont have all the answers at all. I have no self esteem, Ive totally let myself go physically, I pay no attention to my appearance, and there isnt a man on earth that would look at me and think "she could be hot"....and actually thats ok because the only man that I need to feel like that about me never will so having some other guy want me would just make it worse. I spend my time caring for my family and emotionally supporting them as much as I can. It helps me fill a bit of the void. Ultimately, I just dont have the strength to work through it because it hurts too much. I dont have the strength to sit in a therapist office explaining the weird "stages" we went through so I could get my husband off (in the hope he would desire ME or see ME....some of my personal favourites are letting him watch **** while I got him off, and even enduring the humiliation of being asked to move a bit because he coudln't see the whole screen, letting him explain (while we had sex) in graphic detail what he would like todo to other women he knows (the neighbour, the neighbours daughter, the girl from the cafe, that pretty girl in the bookshop...god whatever....and believe me if that doesnt get you paranoid nothing will) and using that as a tool to get an erection to have sex with you because its only thinking of other women that can get him tuned on, going on holiday to Amsterdam and encouraging him to look at the beautiful young women displaying themselves in the brothels only to find that the outcome was him taking REALLY REALLY long showers and still coming to bed without glancing my way. (yup - we know what goes on during REALLY long showers LOL!) URGH, the list goes on and on and Im sure it does for everyone. You know the one big asset to my method of "put up and shut up" is that you dont have the pain of rejection any more and that counts for a lot. ANyway, to everyone out there, just know that there are a huge number of us around and I know that the shared pain we all feel fills us all with love, compassion and sympathy for each other - we know exactly how much we are all hurting, and I know that tonight I will pray for all of us to have the strength to sort out the problem one way or another and emerge the other side as better, sexier, stronger women.

po

sdvsd

I cant seem to be able to decide whether I'm depressed or comforted by all these comments describing a sexless relationship like mine. I recently started focusing on my fitness, eating healthy and working out, i lost a couple pounds, built some muscle, some progress that i am very satisfied with. But about three hours ago I came out the shower, my husband turns to me and says "you look like a 13 yr old girl, your boobs are gone" and yes I admit, my boobs got smaller when I lost weight, (not overweight i was 150 at 5'7, now im 141) he always urged me to go to the gym and now that i did he found yet another thing thats not attractive about me. blueeyes, i feel your pain, it hurts and right now i'm feeling very depressed.he used to always bug me about implants even before when i was a full c cup, now im a small c.

We live in politically correct world where fat people are just fine they way they are thankyou very much. That's despite the fact that obesity is now one of the leading causes of death in the western world, and despite the fact that most people - men, or women, do not find heaps of fat that attractive. That might sound "mean" "judgemental" and harsh, but that's the god's honest truth. We are not our bodies, we are souls, but while we are here we DO have a body so why can't we just accept some deeper level of honesty with ourselves? It's not shallow, it's called being real. <br />
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I dont think people are automatically abusive, manipulative, or have issues just because they are being honest about what they personally find physically attractive fer pete's sake! I think you need to sack your pyschologist. <br />
He says he still loves you for who you are. Toughen up a bit and get ob<x>jective about it. You are taking it way too personally, even though that's difficult not to do. He in turn, will feel very reluctant to be honest with you about other sensitive matters too if you react negatively to it forever. <br />
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I understand your feelings, but if that was me, after I had a good cry I would have to pick up my bottom lip, slap myself hard, and admit, hmmm, well yeah, actually, I am fat!! Time to do something about it for my husband and more importantly for MYSELF and my children! !

We live in politically correct world where fat people are just fine they way they are thankyou very much. That's despite the fact that obesity is now one of the leading causes of death in the western world, and despite the fact that most people - men, or women, do not find heaps of fat that attractive. That might sound "mean" "judgemental" and harsh, but that's the god's honest truth. We are not our bodies, we are souls, but while we are here we DO have a body so why can't we just accept some deeper level of honesty with ourselves? It's not shallow, it's called being real. <br />
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I dont think people are automatically abusive or have issues just because they are being honest about what they personally find physically attractive. I think you need to sack your pyschologist. <br />
He says he still loves you for who you are. Toughen up a bit and get ob<x>jective about it. You are taking it way too personally, even though that's difficult not to do. He in turn, will feel very reluctant to be honest with you about other sensitive matters too if you react negatively to it forever. <br />
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I understand your feelings, but if that was me, after I had a good cry I would have to pick up my bottom lip, slap myself hard, and admit, hmmm, well yeah, actually, I am fat!! Time to do something about it for my husband and more importantly for MYSELF and my children! !

I feel like that my husband does not like my body. I'm slim & wear size 1 in jeans. He doesn't show that he likes my body anymore. He use to tell me to wear these jeans, they look good on you. Then he stop doing that. I always catch him looking at other women with bigger bodies like wide hips, big butts and thicker legs. Makes me feel ugly to him. He says that he loves my body... He don't show it to me... Can anyone help me pls??<br />
Body<br />
... Id

I am in the same boat -- a husband who has told me he is not attracted to me any more. It was devastating. We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids. Neither of us is as young as we used to be and that is the way of life. I accepted that and am still very attracted to him, flaws and all. Men, however, do not seem to operate that same way. They can still love you, but want you to look like Megan Fox when you are 45 years old. That is not reality. <br />
I know I am overweight. I dont take time for myself like I should. I am always putting others first and trying to take care of my family, work a full time job and run our household.<br />
His statement to me destroyed most of the intamacy we had. I lost trust and confidence in him. I found that he was not the person I thought he was. I thought he was deeper and more substantial. I found he was shallow and willing to emotionally destroy the woman he is supposed to love, for better or for worse.<br />
If a man should read any of this and be thinking of saying something to his wife about her weight, stop now. If you want to help your wife with her weight, suggest you two go for a walk together every night. Cook a healthy meal for the family. Suggest fun activities like biking or canoeing. Never tell her you no longer find her attractive unless you plan to follow that up with "and here are the divorce papers" because you really do irrepairable damage.

I'm not physically attracted to my wife but we occasionally have passable sexual encounters together. My problem is that we do nothing else together. For me anyway you gotta have something working well out of the bedroom before you hit the sheets. She's a bit bi polar, which makes matters worse. It is possible you married an *******... You can't fix him. the best revenge is living well. I told my wife I am going to enjoy my life, she is welcome to join me or not, it's her choice. Good luck

I'm not physically attracted to my wife but we occasionally have passable sexual encounters together. My problem is that we do nothing else together. For me anyway you gotta have something working well out of the bedroom before you hit the sheets. She's a bit bi polar, which makes matters worse. Good luck

I would also say decaffinated09 needs to not spout idiocies without seeing what this forum is about first.<br />
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There is no more 'show'. There is no more dirty, unless you're talking under the kitchen sink dirty. And for the record, for those of us in this group… sex is the problem. It hasn't solved anything for most of us.

So, another words, he doesn't want you, but doesn't feel anyone else should either. I'd say he is holding you hostage. I would also say, run to your nearest lawyer.

LADIES COME ON NOW! :) We got to show a man what they are really missing. One day, when he is least expecting it... light some candles, spray some sexy perfume, and put on the lingerie. When he comes home from work leave him a note saying you have something dirty you need to tell him. Lure him into the room and put on a show. Don't allow him to leave until he just can't take it anymore! ;) Sex can always solve the problem.

I actually tried this. I spent weeks trying to find just the right outfit, did the candle thing and WELL it was a complete flop. I've tried twice. The first time we were going through a rough spell, which I thought we were out of and I got no rise whatsoever from him. We ended up having a long talk and then a little something. Still it was pretty much rejection. Then I tried again recently. Thought everything was fine, he even said something to me about putting something pretty on for bed, well, I did and the only comment he made when I got in bed was let me see the back (of the outfit). Nothing else. No WOW! nothing! I was thoroughly embarrassed, crushed and and felt foolish. We've been married 15 years and are supposed to go away next week. I feel so foolish about myself. I don't want to go and we can't get our money back.