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MY Husband Is Not Attracted to My Body

I AM A 35 YEAR OLD WOMAN MARRIED FOR ALMOST TEN TEARS. AFTER A YEAR OF HARDLY ANY SEX I CONFRONTED MY HUSBAND AS TO WHY....IT CAME OUT THAT HE WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ANYMORE...WELL NOT MY BODY...I HAVE HAD TWO CHILDREN AND HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT...BUT SO HAS HE AND I STILL FEEL ATTRACTED TO HIM...NOW I REGRET ASKING HIM WHY BECAUSE MY SELF ESTEEM DROPPED SO LOW. HE SAID DIVORCE IS OUT OF THE QUESTION AND HE REFUSES MARRIAGE COUNSLING... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...I AM HURT CONFUSED AND THOSE WORDS JUST CANT GET OUT OF MY HEAD...I ALSO DONT SIT AROUND AND EAT BON BONS EITHER I WORKOUT I DIET ITS JUST A LOT HARDER FOR ME AFTER HAVING MY CHILDREN. I ALSO HAVE SOME MEDICAL ISSUES THAT DONT HELP. BUT I CONSIDER MYSELF VERY PRETTY FASHIONABLE ALWAYS TRYING TO LOOK MY BEST AND THIS IS WHAT I GET. I MEAN I CANT FORCE SOMEONE TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME I JUST DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE....ANY ADVICE???
BLUEYES35 BLUEYES35 31-35, F 107 Responses Nov 26, 2007

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Maybe having an affair would help ??

I have not had any children. But put on about 40 pounds after my mom died. My ENTIRE family is overweight but I was already the athletic one. As I age, and battle the depression weight I put on I am struggling with a partner who says "You will never be what I want because you don't care about your weight". Which hurts deeply. I work out 4 times a week, I eat nothing but veggies and meats and very small portions of whole grain, I don't drink soda or even juice. I pathetically miss FOOD yet I hate myself for even thinking about eating something like Cheez-Itz. I am tired of being told I'll never be what he wants and that I'll never be a size 8. It cuts deeply.

stay in there. one day at at a time.

My husband and I haven't had sex for a very very long time,can't remember the last time we had sex..he is not attracted to me anymore and told me that ( because of my weight gain) this has made me so hurt and unloved,I don't want to live like this anymore and I truly want to end our marriage but I am so scared of being alone :(
It's like we are just room mates he hardly communicates with me and never ever pays any attention to..and what really hurts me when I catch him watching **** and that just makes me loose it and so hurt and I just don't want to live anymore, I don't want our daughter living with parents that are not happy together .. I really need help...don't know what to do anymore please help

so sorry. I know how much that hurts.

thank you

Divorce is always an option. If you live in the US, anyway. He sounds like a bully. Good luck. You are way you young to be undesired and cherished.

well i've been undesired and cherished for quite a while now

First of all I am separated but gave my marriage 110% the last few years. I was married at 19 and he chose to end it this year. I'm now 26. Very early on I became aware of his *********** addiction and I chose to deal with it and get married. My fault, I could have saved myself a lot of tears and from massive self doubt.Here are a few tips:1. Realize that: Men who have sexual problems are depressed. You, your home, and the lives you built together matter LESS than their sexual needs at this point and they are not rational. You will learn this in the divorce process that a man who is in this depressed state CANT fix the self esteem he damaged: his and yours!2. Start to develop an independent and new identity to recover your self esteem. Tell yourself that you are beautiful and hot every day. If he doesn't love the confident you, leave. I am now single but with family... Life is better this way than with a breadwinner man that makes me feel terrible and unattractive.3. Save money and give yourself a plan B option if he doesn't shape up. Plan around the fact that you can't control his actions and only your own. Prepare financially and get an independent bank account.4 Lastly, try reading Codependent No More. It helped me focus and get past the anger and sadness that my failed marriage caused. It helped me journal and get past wanting to call my ex husband or pursue the relationship further.

that makes a lot of sense. he gets depressed easily. hes usually in denial of almost everything except the thiings he points out with ME

I'm in the same boat. I've been married for 2 years (together for 8). My husband is great in bed but we only have sex once a month, sometimes once every 3 months. When we do have sex it's very rough and he's really detached, like he's fantasizing about something else. Our sex life was great for the first 6 months we were together but after that he took a business trip and the sex stopped. He's addicted to computer games and says he doesn't have the energy for sex but he can stay up until 4am playing games on his computer. He says he's attracted to me but that his job stresses him out and unless he can come down off work and relax then he's not going to have the mental energy to concentrate on having sex. So I keep the house clean, have dinner ready, do my hair and makeup, make sure the kids are in bed, I give him back and foot massages to help him relax, even draw him baths, and let him sleep in during the kids morning routines so he can relax. Still no sex. Recently I found out that he was watching **** late at night bc I walked in on him in the bathroom on accident. I was livid! Low sex drive my ***! I'm not unattractive either. I run marathons, fight in MMA, have a masters from an amazing university. It's excuse after excuse. His previous girlfriends were prude and constantly shut him out physically. He said it really hurt him. I've reminded him of this and asked "why have you been doing this to me when you know it hurts? I have a really high sex drive, what do you possible expect to happen if you keep rejecting me?" He says I'm an adult and I can make my own choices and do what I want but they will have consequences. I told him that I'm a young, strong, attractive woman who cooks, cleans, and is an excellent mother and great in bed...I won't waste those things on someone who doesn't appreciate me or who would rather watch **** than be with me. I was it raised to sit back and let my husband throw feminism out the window". He agrees with me and says it isn't fair. Our sex life was poor before we married and we got married on the agreement that it would get better. It that agreement isn't met then eventually I will leave. I hope everyone here finds the strength to do what's best for them.

I'm in the same boat. Husband said that I was too fat and he is not sexually attracted to me. He says that if I would be ok with **** then he might be able to have sex with me. We have been married 33 years. And yes I pit on a lot of weight when I started a office job to help my family 16 years ago. Please help, I don't know if I can stay with him anymore.

Ive been married one year to my sweet second husband and he won't do things in bed for me. He told me tonight hes just not into me sexually. After divorce of my first husband who loved being sexual with me but told me at the same time I was ugly fat and hideous this has really hit me hard.

Over 5 years old.

Hopefully you found some peace in your life and rid that bastard.
Never let anyone knock you down if so get back up just like a fighter does....

this story is over 5 years old

hehe maybe we need an update

I'm much older now and wiser and well educated, well read, well everything.
Problems surface when you give your ego to someone else. So just don't.
Insecurities in life will pop up, and when they do have your say. But do not indulge yourself further in investing your self worth into any and I mean ANY other human being. I've been able to view people over long periods of their life.
A recent party brought me face to face with an old adversary. One whom years ago had demeaned and abused me when I was younger and shall I say "greener"
Now after all my personal successes and productivity, I find myself standing in front of a man who is now an alcoholic and hates his life. Though sad it was satisfying, revenge need not be sought where patience and self worth are found.
I am currently involved with a man whom on many occasions objectifies my weight.

"Oops, wait a little bit there babeo.. How is it that you feel the needed insecure control to be nasty when I can walk down the street, into the nearest cafe, club, bar, shop and get "ogled" by many men and just because you're being nasty, I will add that these men surpass you on many levels. So now babeo, where do you want this conversation to go? Out the door or into the bedroom? Be very careful with people, they will leave you and you will find yourself an old man and very alone and very bitter." and "On the other hand, people do get old and ugly, look at our parents, it's a fact as much as what 5 extra pounds, it's a fact and it's going to happen to "us" to everyone. So now you have a choice and I might add a very careful one. You can exercise your right to complain or I can exercise my right to leave. And do not think that I won't, that door is alot wider than me, I can fit through that door, but fit into your minds view, impossible, get real, get out of your "ideal" and into the real world or loose, not only me, but life, love, enjoyment, smiles, laughter it'll never find you. And be very aware, that I've spent this much, of MY TIME, MY LIFE, to explain this to you. Be very aware and maybe someday successful at seeing life as IT IS, not as you dream it to be. But if you must leave to find that ideal, that is totally acceptable. Totally fine, she may be still out there looking for you. I would never want to stop anyone from their path. So if a size 2 is your path, you must follow it. I just hope she doesn't get into a car accident and into a wheel chair. I hope she doesn't get sick and loose her looks. I hope she doesn't find in her aging years an extra 20 lbs on herself. Because you see baby, she will know that you only loved the image not the person and you will kill what you wanted to love so much. I feel sorry for you both and your shame will confound you to terrible self treatment. So love of my life, we get along and move along or life will find a way to remove me from your sweetness that you should be always spending time nourishing. That darling, is the man I want to stand beside forever or you can find yourself looking and searching "forever".

I left him, I actually did feel hurt, self esteem in lurch. But upon thinking about it, though already very active, decided to pump me up. Just not about body image, but about my internal organs, especially kidneys, diabetes runs high in my family. So now the program and the personal contract and the knowing it's all for me. I'm doing my regimen and it's very self empowering because "I have a regimen" please no I can't do that, eat that, I have to do this now. Finding that the more I cared about myself, that selfishness brought with it alot of respect from others and also alot of rivalry from those not on a path.

I thought long and hard one evening and texted the hex. "Thank you for being you, it's oddly added to my life, I'm getting better and I was already happy, you have become my teacher. For that I love you and that is better than covering my grey hairs"

So what did that do, well it uplifted that man to new heights. He called, we talked he was as sweet as the sweetest of honey. I allowed it, it was good. But still kept myself on my path. We meet up and he's a great guy, friend, companion and lover.
We grew and that is fantastic. However, it's not "damage done" that I keep my wits.
It's because my program is working for me and to deviate would mean shall we say letting my guard down, not on him but on me. So I keep to myself and when we meet we blend better with good things and good love and very beautiful words.
It works and it's still working.

Because of this we've gotten deeper and more serious about being human if there is any seriousness in that. Ha. We were never each other personal image. That is maybe the lesson. And maybe that lesson will blossom into a real life where there is real growth. If not we've been there done that and can use the experience and information for other relationships.

We've been through hell, but I think it set us free, if always, good friends.

So there you have it. Honestly speak your mind. Move forward in total contentment and in the power of growth, without it we bore ourselves and others.
Have something new to say in appreciation and action everyday. Make life fun and exciting. DO NOT STALL. It's better to be exhausted and taking action than being exhausted from doing nothing.

Texted "teacher baby, sending you a virtual kiss and a little something else"

Once you've established self worth and pride. Humbling yourself is just fun.

yes never give your ego to anyone!!!

once you do, they have the power over you.

Well put and so right! I am going through the same and feel the same as you! 14 years of marraige and 18 yrs of being together. Thank you for posting, I wasn't sure how to feel and feeling hurt again, but read your comment and agree.

This was an amazing outlook on life , and has helped me realize that if people cant accept us as we are they shouldn't be in our lives and bringing us down ,thank you for the post

screw him.........that is what i say......if were me? i would leave....better to have freedom of opportunity than be locked away with THAT

First of all you are beautiful. I do not even need to see a picture of you to confirm this. How do I know? Because he married you and gave you two children, so you MUST be good looking to him. The UGLY things that came out of his mouth show who is TRULY ugly. And that is certainly not you. Before you married him, you knew you were a hottie, I can hear it in your voice. You STILL know you are a hottie, I can hear that too. Your choice is whether you want to believe him or not. The next time he belittles you, tell him his breath smells like the back of your a#@. He will spend weeks eating gum and breath freshener. Keep your head up, Hottie :)

*************hi im a 27 yr old male and firstly im sorry for all you females out there, I can tell you the main reason why guys are becoming unattracted. Also, I'm about to make the biggest decision of my life and need some advice please.
The problem in modern society is the media and the massive increase in ***********. Your men and all males are constantly exposed to supermodel skinny girls with big breasts and big backsides. This exposure is everywhere - adverts on tv, newspapers, films, TV and most of all, the internet. Recent statistics show that 7 out of 10 men secretly watch **** on internet or late at night on TV. The introduction of satellite channels like babestation are widely popular amongst all ages of the male population in Europe and are free to view. The very truth is when guys are exposed to this sexual content, they will compare you to these super babes and you know what the result is - sudden feelings of being unattracted, looking for opportunities to cheat or leave to become single2mingle again! sadly, the media is controlled and all these outcomes are deliberately targeted by an elite society - who want people to have multiple partners, to increase more gay people, aid more crime and expand anything else devious and unreligious to be achieved. But my answer to you is life is not just about sex, hold on to your partners and make your bond stronger through other means. It is hard to love again and once that diamond is gone for you, you will weep for them back ....but a return might be rendered impossible!

As for my problem, I too have been exposed to the media and have always dated girls with nice bodies. However, I have realised that sex should not be on top of the list as all of these girls who were very sexy-looking had attitude problems or bad habits. I am in love with a girl who is tolerable, kind and would give her life for me. These attributes make her more special than any of these girls who are physically sexy. But however, my gf does not have a sexy body even at her young age (26). Moreover, our parents have spoken and my wedding has already been set in the end of this year.
But I know that I love her but dont find her sexually attractive and won't be able to give her a good sex life. But if I have ever said this to her it would break her heart, self-esteem and she would hate me! This girl has done more for me than any other girl in my life - financially, emotionally, etc. Due to my young age is it right for me to sacrafice a good sexual life ahead of me? Is it right for me to keep this fact a secret til I am married? Or should I explain this to her?

The truth is your with people that you have been with for many years because you can tolerate each other and are attached by so many different factors. From experience, I know that having amazing sex but not really liking their personality is not enough to have a healthy relationship with someone else. This means that sex should not be the ultimate factor in a relationship.

Let us know of your thoughts

sex is not everything. no. but when sex goes, its only the beginning. sex is a big sign that something much bigger is wrong with the marriage/relationship

when sex goes, its only the beginning. then the kisses, the hugs, the sexless initimacy all leave. then comes the verbal and emotional abuse. then comes sabotaging the things that you love.

so sex is more important than you think

Well if you really like her or care about her . Ask her to take a walk with you let\'s say every night at the same time you guys are communicating . Don\'t tell her your doing it her to loose weight . That no no! It will help her . To lose pounds it\'s up to you .

Do not marry her!

In my experience the media's version of what is attractive only affect immature guys. Men are attracted to all different types and at some point a man becomes more interested in getting what he wants than impressing his friends.

As for your situation, read around here. If you are not attracted to this girl do not marry her. You both will be miserable.

1 More Response

pretend you are single and do what you would do in a day with out him and try to be happy as if you would try to be happy if you were single. Eventually you will train yourself to be happy alone while inside your relationship because your marriage is a lie. When your children are grown you will be very strong then in yourself and you too can leave the nest and be ready to be with some one who really loves you.

this is what I have to do - pretend I'm training myself to be ready for divorce, when I do this I can handle it much much much better

Relationships are complicated. I am in a similiar situation, and after reading the many posts here, it affirms to me that it isn't really about me. Bodies change, even mens bodies change, that is a gurantee. When i was in weight watchers that is one thing i learned, was how our weight flectuates from week to week, everyones does. I have since stopped dieting, and started loving me and my body for what and where it is now. Statistics show that dieting quiet often casues more weight gain. Diets support the diet industry not women and their self worth. I just read a book called 'When Women stop hating their bodies by' Jane R. Hirschmann & Carol H. Munter. Read this book, you will not regret it. Theres a part of the book that talks about husbands who don't find their mate attractive anymore, and they say that it is your partner who is having the bad body thought. Your body just triggers something in him that he is having difficulty with and he his projecting it on to you. Chances are that is the reason your husband isn't attracted to you although he may still love you as my husband says he does,yet his attraction to me is not about my body. I gave him that chapter to read last night, but not sure if he has yet. Unfortunately i cannot remember when we had been sexual with each other. Life is complicated, and there were many stresses that interferred with this part of our intimacy. I was always checking in and my husband kept saying it was O.K., it was just a phase, (and the last 6 months I wanted to heal our sex life with each other) now he tells me, he isn't attracted to my body and doesn't know if we can continue our relationship. I want to still work with it. We've had 15 years almost together and I don't want to let it go. But i may have too,if he truly doesn't feel we can make it work, and if he is going to be miserable in it I need to let him go. Of course I also had done my part in causing him to feel some of what he is feeling. After all it takes two to have a relationship. Relationships are for healing wounds with both parties. The trick is to find someone who is willing to go the journey with you. I still want my husband and my marriage because in the long run I feel it is worth it. Wish me success!

I am 26 yrs old and my husband is 31 yrs old and I am suffering from the same problem dear. We am married for about 2 yrs now and we are blessed with a beautiful daughter. My husband and I were deeply in love with each other before we got married. He is such a sweet person. He is a great husband and a wonderful dad. My biggest issue with him is intimacy. I do not mean sex exclusively which is a natural need for any normal woman, but also the need to a sweet loving touch. The need to feel loved, attractive, and that he is excited and looking forward to be intimate with me.Things started to change after we got married and got worse when I gave birth to my baby. I gained weight and my body changed. He doesn't initiate intimacy with me and I am the one who tries to start the relationship most of the time. I feel that intimacy is not a priority for him anymore. whenever we have free time together he thinks of watching a movie or go out, but sex is the last thing that comes to his mind. All the time I link his reaction toward intimacy with the way my body look. I keep thinking that I am not attractive enough to draw him to me. When I confront him of how I feel, he denies that and says that I am harsh on myself and that he is actually attractted to me but I am overanalyzing the issue. I tried to go to the gym and I am still on diet and do go on walks but it is really hard for me to lose weight. I think I am a good looking woman but I always had a bad self- esteem and I feel worse about my body now. I feel so unattractive and insecure because he doesn't change and keeps ignoring our previous discussions about the same topic. I feel so bored of the whole thing now. I am emotionally drained and I feel a permenant void in my life.

I too am having the same problem i have been married for two years and we have been together for 3 years we have one child and i am only 21 so i figured that you know being married this young and with how most men are at 21 mass sex but i am lucky if i get it once a week and i dont know i have tryed asking him and his excuse is i have it for the rest of my life why do i need it all the time and i know i am not size 5 160 pounds anymore but still hurts lately he has been not coming home till 2 and not answering his phone and i know he isnt cheating but still answer your phone i just dont know what to do anymore

im in a pretty sexless marraige,same situation,wife dosent do it for me i love her just not attracted to her like before,i love her,my libido have anything to do with it,not sure we were like rabbits before,since our child ,cant fig it out btw shes very hot,inside and out,do get it,i do find others attractive,not fair to her

These are just about some of the saddest posts Ive ever seen and I actually feel worse than I did before I read them.....I can't believe that some of you actually live this way and accept it. It is completely unacceptable to treat others this way.....I was raised, you treat others like you want to be treated! I want the vows that once meant something to my husband to still mean something. I want him to cherish me as much as I cherish him....and if he doesn't think that we are a lot similar-he's crazy, I am tired at the end of a day too, I am headachy & sickly feeling too...I have to get up in the am too...I have hormonal issues too.....BUT I want the one thing that I share with him that I don't share with another human being to still be present and intimate. I NEED to know that I am still loved, cherished, and attractive to the one person I save myself for everyday. I know he cares for me...that's not what I want, I'm not a damn mail bride, I don't need to LEARN to love him or vise versa....I need that spark to still be there-it keeps the home fires burning at home and puts out those little flames everywhere else. When the emotional connect is there, the physical connect is sure to follow.....I'm shocked and depressed by some of the posts on here with that live with it and quit being a baby attitude. none would be saying that if he WAS going to a mistress or prostitutes, bringing home who knows what.....Blueeyes, your feeling are your own and they are valid, either he cares enough to listen to them and at least try to change how he deals with you or he doesn't and he won't try....simple. How do you want to be treated? How does he want to be treated? now is it good enough?

Yes it is really sad, posts like these hit home. I treat her like I want to be treated, she can reciprocate with a tongue so sharp that it cuts like a knife, worse when she is drinking. So your solution dies not really work all the time, my self thoughts remain in the toilet and like the soup nazi, no sex for you!

When you want something your partner won't give you then it means you have no influence over them and that is something that can't change once you lose influence you lose the relationship. You can't love it back to life, your partner can change but it will take something that is not you to do it. But what's more likely is if you were to accept defeat and leave your partner would date but never marry or marry again and eventually be in the same predicament.

However it's highly likely that you yourself will change if you leave, you will be quicker to recognize what you don't want in a man and see through the image they present a bit better and it will result in a much better match and because you have stuck it out and tried to make something work it shows that you are a good partner and that means you can have a long lasting relationship unlike your husband.

Hello Blueeyes, you are not alone, I too have been married for 10yrs in Sept and my husband isn't attracted to me. We don't have any kids and have been trying to conceive but he says because of the attraction thing he can't have sex with me!! He too wants kids and so now we are opting for IVF! It is quite hurtful when he tells me that he is not attracted to me and I feel I should just leave! But problem is I have spent all my savings on him and for some stupid idiotic reason, still love him and can't bear to think of a life without him! I don't know what to do, and am hoping that a child will bring us together! call me foolish, but I am 43yrs old and really do want a child of his!!

Hi browneyesso2. Before continuing to try & havce kids with thsi man PLEASE take time to read the many stories on here posted by women who have lived years of this sexless hell. As I am sure you know it isn't the act itself missing that hurts the most. It is the emotional abdonment by their spouse that will just continue to hurt the longer it goes on. Also read how so many after years of this had enough to say "I WANT OUT" but they can't now because they feel the need to stay for the sake of thier kids & for financial reasons. This will be YOUR story f you continue down this road. Getting out is NEVER easyy. But the pain of stayiming in this is even harder. I hope this doesn't look like scribble but I can't get to the bottom of this comment to go back & correct my REALLY bad tyoping....lol

Bang Away
NSH :-)

A good mother loves her child more than herself, and will go out of her way to do no harm to her child. Do you not think that having a father that teaches a child to make a some one feel worthless is not harmful? Imagine how good it feels to go home and see your original set of parents loving eachother and working as a team to support you would feel? Thats almost never the case but it can happen. You deserve a good father for your child but more so your child deserves a good father not a man who lied to you and made you believe he was attracted to you when he wasn't or a man who after years of devotion only sees flesh

I don't know. no intimacy sexual and otherwise, hurts as much as the emotional abandonment. you know I have cried when I see other husbands going home to my neighbors wife. the only reason that hubby doesn't go out like he used is cuz gas prices have risen.

@browneyes02: I can understand what you are going through. My husband also says that he is not attracted to me. He is attracted to girls who has got a sexy figure, always ogles at other good looking girls, which disturbs me though. I am also trying for a baby.....but without his support. He says he wants a baby, but I dont know how... becos we never have intimate relation. Now finally he has agreed for IVF. But my question is after having baby with this method, is it going to improve our situation?...or going to make matters worse? I am helpless. I dont whom to seek advice. will counselling help?

DO NOT have a baby with him if he's an a-hole. the marriage WILL get worse. most of the time, counseling will help YOU but it won't the marriage, in my opinion.

just an honest opinion.

2 More Responses

I feel your pain. My Husband dont show me any attention. He don't touch me or look at me when I change my clothes. It's like I am just here. He don't talk about sex with me. He just rather ********** to ****. He sneeks off in the car and watches **** and ********** in the car. And the shower. Everything I do aggravates him. Its like why keep me around.. I am so close to just leaving him

Well I am in the same position as all of the above. I am 60 years old been married 30 years. Ten years ago my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me and stopped making love to me. He said it was because I was fat and didn't initiate the love making. I also have two bio children and one adopted daughter age 16. I hope things would be better but they have not improved. Last week I found out that he has been cheating on me for the past 10 years and now has a STD. My self esteem is so low and now this. The biggest issue is that we did have unprotected sex (first time in a long time) a few months ago and now I am exposed. I am seeing a counselor but the hurt is so deep. At this point I think I will need to divorce him and try to get back on track and perhaps meet someone who can love me as I am. Feel good to get this on paper.

dpines has your situation changed at all? I am in a very similiar situation as you, if you are still around on this board please reply.

First off I'm sorry that many of you are here. I can feel your pain in your words. No one likes to be told they are not attractive. <br />
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From a man's perspective looks do play a big part in attraction, but NOT as much as SELF-CONFIDENCE and SELF-RESPECT. Men are NOT complicated creatures. Like some other posters have said women like to look at problems from a women's POV. You tend to read into everything. Paralysis of Analysis. Stop doing that. <br />
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Also, it's true when they say you can't love someone if you dont love yourself. Before you start asking if your partner still loves you start by asking if you love yourself. Men are attracted to strength and confidence. Not by depressed, needy women. Stop giving your men so much POWER over you. It's not ATTRACTIVE and it's CO-DEPENDENT. <br />
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You want to turn things around? Stop caring so much about what he thinks or wants. As the saying goes "whoever CARES the least CONTROLS the most." If you start showing more confidence in yourself and stop caring so much what he thinks about you then you will start to feel more EMPOWERED which will give you more SELF-CONFIDENCE which will make you more ATTRACTIVE to your mate. <br />
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How do you do this??? You set goals for yourself and you slowly start hitting them. You have to believe in yourself if you ever expect your man to. So tell yourself today is the first day of the rest of your life and start living like your dying. Make each moment count. Stop blaming your partner for your lack of SELF-LOVE and CONFIDENCE. It's time to get out that bucket list. Stop making excuses. Start some new hobbies; Join some new clubs; make some "new friends" both male and female. But only as friends. Make your BOUNDARIES clear from the beginning. Once you create some MYSTERY in your life. Once you start creating some new patterns and breaking those old ruts you will start to gain back control of your life. Once your spouse see's that you are not as AVAILABLE as you once were chances are he will start to take notice and start "hunting" again. Now you have to be careful not to open yourself up for an affair. Get out if that's what you want because during this process others may take notice as well. You have to be strong enough to fight this feelings off. They are just another indicator of your poor self-image. Stop yourself from needing to feed your EGO you can and will boost your confidence in other ways.<br />
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You can do it! <br />
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Today is called the "present" for a reason.

I think this might be one of the most helpful, affirming things I have read on this site. Thank you! I had already resolved to do this, and stop trying to get my self-esteem kicks from my husband (who has unintentionally been chipping away at mine for years). I wasn't sure WHY I decided to do that, though. This really confirmed to me that this is a good plan. I'm lucky to be a naturally happy person, and I'm going to quit letting him make me sad. His rude, man-words are going to roll off my back, and pretty soon he will see that I am unflappable. He can be my hero when it comes to our life together, but I am not going to ask him to be my Savior. Only my real Savior can give me all I need! (And He loves me no matter what!)

I am a newly wed. Already after 2 years I am in a sexless marriage. I am going to do me, and not ask permission. I am going to live without any regret. We have 2 beautiful children. I have seen that he is attracted to other women with better bodies than me. So I decided that I am not in competition with these women, I am gaining me again. Once I am back to being me, he will be wanting me again. Hopefully I will still want him.

This is not good advice for a married person who wants their partner to change. This is not going to change the person, no one can change anyone else. You can play games like this where you act like you are brand new so your partner will chase you. But very soon the chase will be over. People are not prey people need love and affection. I see a lot of young women on here who don't understand that relationships are hard and they are not full of passion all the time. You have to be patient and see if it can't work give it time talk openly and honestly with your partner and be ready to hear what they have to say. If you can't live with it move on. I see a lot of women on here worrying about weight with good cause. But I don't hear a lot of women talking about getting jobs and getting ready to get out. The best head game you can play is showing your parnter who acts like you don't exist that you very well might not for them and if they don't change then for real delete yourself from their life. No one is that special that you should sacrifice your happiness for them just so that maybe one day you can trick them into loving you by running around with other people. That is not love. If you have kids and you want to give them their originalset of parents than that is a good reason to stay. If it's the house your after not losing than just keep it straight in your head, " it's okay he doesn't love me because it's the house I really want anyways."

I need you as my friend, lol.

Consider it done. I'm now your virtual friend. That doesn't mean I'm going to send you any free cows on farmville lol.

funny, the more I do for myself and the more confidence I have and self-love I have, the more hubby isn't happy about it, haha.

he was sooo happy when I wore drabby clothes and had much lower self esteem. my stuff irritates him

Sounds like he has his stuff to work on. Are either of you going to counseling? Would he be open to go with you?

hell no he wouldn't.

5 More Responses

You guys should check out marriageadvocates.com it's a great site with a lot of helpful information and members.

I am crying reading all of this my. Hubby and I have been together for 8 yrs married for 4 and 2 years ago I fell pregnant with twins and miscarried at 5 months and have only put on more weight since and I honestly don't remember the last time we had sex it has been at least 3 months I try everything road head dress up dirty talk everything and he just doesn't look at me the same like I repulse him I don't know what to do

I read each and every post in this thread. I realize the thread is as old in internet years as we are in human years, but it is still a great resource for people to see that they are not the only ones out there in this situation....in fact, I would suggest that this situation is much more common than people would like to admit.<br />
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I am a guy and have been with my wife for 19 years. I went through a crisis a few years ago, because I no longer found her attractive. But it was not her fault. She exercises 3 days a week, eats well, and honestly looks better than any photo I have when we were younger. The problem is not me either. I love her more than any one else on earth, with feelings I never thought I could have for another person. The problem is nature.<br />
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Nature makes us do and feel things that are not in our best interest. Nature makes someone want to have a child even if they cannot afford one. Nature makes me want to eat (believe me I can) an entire 50 wings and bucket of fried potatoes, even if it is not healthy. And yes, nature makes us men not find our partner as attractive after many years together. There are of course exceptions to every rule, but I am talking about the majority. It is this majority that will find Monica Lewinski more attractive than their "more attractive" wife of 20 years.<br />
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Nature does not want us together forever. This does not advance the species. The best chance for the species is for a man to have more children with other women, so he will want this. Women, you don't think your man wants this? Well, you're wrong. Whether he will admit this or not, he does, and will forever fight this urge, like a starving man looking at a bucket of fried chicken every day. You are skinny? He wants a big girl. You are tall? He is looking at petite girls when he goes to the mall. You are curvy? He pines for a girl that looks like a stick figure. He wants everything he doesn't have and has no way not to want it. Every day he fights this. If he cheated on you, I am not saying he was right, but believe me that he fought cheating 1000 other times.<br />
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So some years back I faced this dilemma with my wife, stay with someone I was not attracted to anymore but loved dearly, or look for attraction elsewhere. After much anguish, crying for months, not knowing what to do, my wife and I decided to separate. I then met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She was everything my wife was not, physically...tall, thin, amazing in bed, and we were like gas and fire together. I was sure I found what every man is looking for, all my friends told me i was so lucky, nature told me it was true love...but love it was not. Some months later, when the dopamine wore off, when sex became more routine, and I was waking up to the person not the body, my dream with this girl was not what I thought it would be. She was not nice, she nagged me, she had anger issues, she pushed me and we fought about every other day. She was maladjusted and high-maintenance, possibly because she lived her whole life being beautiful on the surface, never needing to develop any deeper than that.<br />
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In the end i missed my best friend. I missed my wife. I didn't care anymore about attraction, I realized I had lost something more valuable. And more importantly, I realized that the gold between a new girl's legs is fools gold. Following nature down this path will not lead to fulfillment in the end. It will only lead to where most couples end up...broken families and broken dreams.<br />
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So I told my wife that we made a big mistake. I told her that I don't care about this new girl, I don't care what nature tells me I want, and I don't care about sex as much as I care about her. We can just be whoever we can be, the best couple that we can, and do something we hadn't done in a long time...love. Not love the feeling. Love the feeling is nature again. Love the feeling is what they write songs and movies about. Love the feeling is unreliable. Love the feeling is something people wait for, and place blame when the feeling is not there. I am talking about love the verb.<br />
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Love the verb is not selfish. Love the verb is being in the relationship for more than just what you can get out of it, putting someone else's well being before your own. Part of that is putting aside carnal desires in order to provide a meaningful life for someone else. So we started again from scratch, and chose to love (the verb) each other. I know I will never be as attracted to her body as the 100 girls I pass on the street each day, or see on tv. I am choosing to ignore nature's call that I live my life ba<x>sed on attraction. I know nature has a plan for us to lose each other again, but I am choosing to not let that happen. I am choosing to compliment her good features and ignore her imperfect features, just as she does for me. This is love the verb, choosing, taking action, telling nature that you understand the game but you are playing by your own rules.<br />
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Guys have to realize that whatever their problems are, they will not be solved by marrying Megan Fox. You own your feelings and you will have them once again, no matter what your wife looks like. It is in our programming. And girls have to realize that guys have this programming. There is nothing you can do about your appearance or by getting a new guy that will change this. After some years with a new person, you will be in a very familiar place. The best you can do is realize these facts of nature, do your best to look nice for your partner, treat your partner with respect, and love them for who they are inside. Stay in the relationship for the other person too, to give them the best life you are able. Otherwise, you are just another animal, following your primal instincts, without regard for where they are leading you.

Very well said. Glad you were able to have a second chance with your wife. My husband isn't attracted to me after 18 years and it hurts. But we move on.

This is actually a great story! I have no doubt the space between your separation and reconnection was really hard, esp on her, but I think a lot of women, myself included, could forgive an affair if it meant our husbands would truly appreciate what they had all along. A little humble pie never hurt anyone!

not sure I could. I would be way to resentful for being ignored for so long. I think about other men probably more than he thinnks about other women.

you've had two kids I've had one. I'm 10 years younger and am i am i only headed toward my 3 rd year. You are strong for dealing with that. I want sex all the time I have to force it on him he only 24. I'm glad I read this because I don't want to be miserable for that long. I love him but our sex drive is not compatible.

My name is Tonya. I have been married four months and been w my husband for 3years. He has admitted that he is addicted to **** since the age of 14. He also admitted that I have a hot body but there is no beauty in my face. He told me that his sister looks better and he couldnt hug me in front of her cuz that would b disrespectful. He has stopped our family in publiv so that he could STARE at girls. I alwayys feel on edge knowing someone is better than me at turning my huband on. Most days I cannot hold my head up. I have developed BDD. Google it. I litterally feel that my face is deformed. In reality it isnt. The only answer to this and every other problem is L O V E. Not the love you share w another human. But w your creator. His word says He is a sheild around us and the lifter of our heads! Our husbands were never made to complete us. They are only human and imperfect themselves. Gods love is perfect and He has a plan for His own. Not to harm you. In Luke there is the story of a woman. She is bent over and cannot raise herself up. She doesny say a word as Jesus passes by in the crowd. Jesus sees her and calls her to him. Hetouches her and she is heald. He tells her thou art loosed! From the bondage of the enemy. As a woman I have a deep need to be desiredby my husband. Still unsure about how that will happen. But the word says seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and the rest will be added unto you. Im struggling with a mental illness that makes me believe I am deformed and my husbands insults fill my mind when I open my eyes in the morning. But I have to have faith that God sees me and my healing is near. Ladies you are all heavy on my heart tonight and I pray God speaks to usin ways that bring healing, understanding, and fogivness even to the undeserving.

This is a positive and upbuilding scripture. Thank you for sharing that. Building yourself up and knowing you are loved by God and perfect in his eyes can only help you. That is a good personal choice. A choice that your husband will not choose for himself. He is not a mature man and he has been raised to view women as objects with the exception of his mother and most likely his sister. I guarantee he judges himself every bit as harshly as you and hates himself more than he hates you. He is not and never will be capable of loving a woman that is not his mother. You may stay with him but never expect to change him. That's a given I am sure you already knew that. But you are hurt, try going at this a different way i.e. when he stops and says "damn look at her!" Say " yes she is very beautiful too bad a girl like that would never go for a ---- ( choose his weak point or insecurity ex: poor, fat, old, scrawny, short, boring, whatever will give him a complex) ---oh well I guess that's why your with me, if you were stronger richer funnier more intelligen that's what you could have had. He will probably fly off the handle and call you a plethora of ugly things but then you have to force your self to fane uncontrollable laughter and say, "oh wow you better stop you are making your self look silly and you may end up with a fatter uglier women than I because I was doing YOU a favor but now I am not too sure watching you act like a tiny little boy it may even be too silly for ME!

Every one on here should understand that these men should have no power over you. No on Earth but you cares what they think so you shouldn't either. They are no more perfect than you are. Every wife on here seems very concerned with her husband loving her but what of the husbands? They are very clearly not giving a **** if their wives love them or not. Try not loving them. Love is wasted on some one who doesn't want it.