Is It Normal To Have No Physical Contact? Sex I Can Live Without But Hugs No

I've been married for 21 years. I thought marrying a friend with mutual interests would be enough.  However she is not averse to physical contact just never thinks of it. In 20 years I have been held at bedtime maybe 10 times. Spooning maybe a dozen tmes. She will return a hug and let me put my arm around her for 10 minutes at bed time but never holds me.

I don't care about sex. I can go months if I have to. Its the lack of affection that is killing me. She is not depressed, its just the way she is.  She says she has been this way since childhood. I know her parents have been in seperate bedrooms as long as I have known them.  Is this learned behavour?

I would die just to have the feeling of falling asleep in someones arms just once and feel safe.  Sounds strange for a guy to say that. Morally I could never cheat and can't afford a divorce(she doesnt work so living on half my income would be difficult and I'd pay 50% alimony) Also my kids are just entering high school so I wont do anything before they are done. It's too critical a period for them.

Any thoughts on how to get through the days without a hand hold, a hug or sitting on the same couch watching TV. I have tried immersing myself in work, sports, etc. to distract my mind . It works during the day but at night I don't sleep much.

jacknairn jacknairn
41-45, M
5 Responses Apr 11, 2010

Oh common, look at yourself...who is responsible for your happiness? NOBODY give a hoot! Start think about it. You are your own responsibility so get out and have a good life!

Some people are asexual. My husband only gave me decent sex for three months. After that, I was begging for sex just twice a week, and he said "you act like a dog with the scent of blood". No physical contact for last 15 years. I'm looking for an apartment in a city 2 hours away from here. Enough is enough. I'm smart, funny, gorgeous, socially adept and educated. I get offers all the time but until we're separated, don't want to start another relationship. No kids. Pets died of old age. I'm outta here.

Have you asked for physical contact? Some people don't crave touching but will learn to tolerate it to please their partner.

Each person has different priorities and beliefs for when it is time to leave. <br />
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In the mean time, continue to take care of yourself. Read and post here. You'll learn alot and have alot of support from folks in similar situations.

You cannot even get affection from your wife and you are worrying about alimony. You need to stop worrying about alimony and start worrying about having a life. <br />
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Bet you if your wife knew you were about to walk out the door over this she would step up mighty fast as her financial situation will be WAY worse than yours after a few years. <br />
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Why are you afraid to demand what you need from your wife?