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My Wife Is Sick, We Can't Have Sex

I was a Christian and did the Christian thing of not having sex before marriage. We dated for about 9 months before getting married. I only got married because I thought God would want me to marry a Christian woman. She has an illness that means she can't work, and has to take a lot of expensive drugs.

Our honeymoon I discovered that we couldn't have sex. I assumed that it was just a glitch and we would get past it. Its not her fault, she experiences a lot of pain if we try anything... Its been about 2 years now, and I know that nothing will ever change. She is always sick, always will be.

She is sick, and will struggle to look after herself. I earn all the money, do all the shopping, most of the cooking. She is helpless without me.

We struggle with money, we can't travel, we will never have kids, we can't even adopt. This is it. 

I am so sad.

I wish every day I had never met her.

I want to leave but I feel terrible about her being by herself.

I feel bad that the main reason I want to leave is because we don't have sex.

Is this it? Did I give my life away to support someone else?

She has violent outbursts of anger, and threatened to kick me out many times. 1 month ago, she got so bad she hit me, so I left. I was gone about 4 days. I came back to the house to pick up some stuff, and she begged me to come back. She promised that she would deal with her anger, and trust me more. I am a sucker for someone with tears streaming down their face. Im too soft hearted, always trying to save people. She has done really well since I came back. She has really controlled her anger.

I came back to the house.

I am so angry at myself for coming back.

I had a great reason to leave.

I will find a way out one day.

I used to be a passionate positive person, now my life is a dull grey.

Im so sad.

I guess I want people to tell me its OK to go. She is not my responsibility. Other people have such bad stories and they stay in aweful marriages for years. Its just been 2 years for me, and yet I'm giving up already. I just think that if I knew I would die in 5 years, I would never ever stay. This life is killing me. I was not meant to be someones nurse.

yes, ok, thanks for reading.

mrmistake mrmistake 26-30, M 39 Responses Apr 13, 2010

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I have faced nothing like what you are facing. What I have faced I can tell you that I am done. The love has died, the feelings that drew us together have vanished, the vows that bound us have proved to be too weak. I'm going on a 30 year marriage. My point to you this. If you are feeling this way already in just two years. Do the math. How will you feel in 5 or 10 or 20 years? ??? I'm a christian too and I know the religious side of it well. The marriage relationship god puts forth is not to bind us to a life of hell. If you read close, most of the direction for a marriage isn't about how you can't change your mind and leave, it's about how to make it better. Part of this responsibility is on her too. Your a man and I'll tell you this. If you have a desire for intimacy and she doesn't even try something so at least you can feel some love, how do you plan to survive the years to come. For her benefit, what kind of husband will she have then? Do you see yourself making her happy? It is a sad situation but you need to sit and really think this through.

So many of us with similar stories. I remarried 5 years ago not realizing how ill my husband was. Then he had surgery and a surgical error has left him unable to breathe without supplemental oxygen, cannot have an erection...thus no sex, no spontaneity, travel or fun. I am not only his caretaker but I handle EVERYTHING at home. I cannot continue. I too am a Christian but this is no life. SO SAD AND LONELY...

I have nearly the same story, and I too am getting depressed about the situation. My wife and I live more like brother and sister than husband and wife. My wife is like an angel but without an intimate relationship our marriage is nothing like I thought and wanted it to be. I am now falling more and more into depression. I am not the kind of guy who would want to go out and have a fling, I want all the passion, love and intimacy that goes into having great love making. I just don't want sex. What am I going to do? I could not live with myself if I left her as she depends so much on me. I wish I could bring a second "wife" into our house.

An angel came unto me (not *on* me this time, thank God), while I slept last night. He instructed me to tell you to bind your wife to the bed and have your way with her, then cast her into the sea with a millstone around her neck.
Alternately, you could end this madness in a civil manner, but that seems very un-christianlike.

leave her , she knew what she was doing, and even if she didn't tell you the marriage would sexless, she should have said it would be childless, which amounts to fraud on her part. if she had told you all the things you now know, then i am willing to bet you would not be with her now. as she didn't disclose any of this surely it is on par with being unfaithful in terms of dishonesty.

oh and also forget the christian counselling because your vow waqs for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.

I deeply feel for you. I am praying that things get better. It seems like she has an emotional problem as well as physical and it may be interconnected. If she wants to keep you she must be willing to change and get help - possible free counseling for anger management. If she can get angry, she still has energy to do something - even if it is just to talk kindly to you. Possibly sites online can help like www.curezone.com because people there have cured their illnesses with better lifestyles. She must be committed to change and be better for you. If she doesn't want to do that I believe you have grounds for an annulment.

It seems that she married you under false pretenses. She must have been sick to begin with and hid that from you. Legally, if this is the case you can annul the marriage. If you're that unhappy and there is no love in the relationship (and I don't see how there can be), either annul if possible or divorce her. You may have to provide support depending on the laws of the state you live in. With her medical condition she qualifies for many kinds of state programs that will take care of her. It's time to take care of yourself and share your life with someone that will make you happy as well.

What is she sick with?

I am so sorry to read your story . I believe the two of you went into the relationship not really knowing enough about each other, have you talked. To a Christian counselor ? Each of you should seek individual first . Finding yourself and the truth is a start. No one here is a bad person just hurting and misunderstood. You are also in a codependency relationship - she depends on you for everything and you fullfill her needs to feel ok about yourself . It's so unhealthy - reading some books may help - the bible - and tje boundaries book and a book about codependency - there are also support groups in your church and community . I pray for you both to find happiness and peace as you seek answers for your futures - written with love and sincerity for all the hurting who do not have a voice .

Yes I KNOW ! My wife got mental illness bad, paranoid skitzo... so she is not able to have sex, or have a loving relationship or keep a house... sound familiar? Drugs help some but I have looked in to this biblically and I ( with out the support of my church) have accepted that I am the only way my wife is going to survive out side of institutional commitment. I found legal advise and became her guardian and helped her onto social security and other government help so if I can not support her she will be sort-a cared for. Sex is a personal thing, I will not be loving (sex) my wife/ but I have not looked seriously outside the marriage yet. We have 14 years together and 10 have been with the disease. I found men in true relationships with God will give the best advice. My advice for me is I will find sex when /if I can no longer wait.. on that day I will decide.. and not fixate on that issue before then. For you ...if you were deigned the truth on your wife's condition and she refuses to seek counseling, talk seriously about a separation. maybe in a month or so you both will find that the marriage is fixable ... but only with a GREAT Christian counselor, never make a life changing decision alone. bin there done that ././.never again ...that's my advice: seek good counsel good luck

Why don't you look for sex OUTSIDE YOUR WIFE? Don't use her as an excuse, nor blame her. A discrete misstress will help you both..

my wife is always sick too. we married less than 2 years ago. we didn't have sex before marriage ( my first mistake) it took us 3 month till we have our first sex, since she was afraid of sex. she has been sick since we got married, her sickness? her bad eating habit, she is gaining lots of weight, she is always stressed. She loves me too much and that was my other mistake that I though this he love is enough. now I am depressed and want to find a way yo run away.I am really tired of her not being able to take care of herself.
I am not even motivated to work anymore, I am becoming a depressed person and need serious therapy now. so I don't want to tell you to leave or what to do, just wanted to tell you there are other people with similar issues. so you are not alone

It is okay to go! She will get along without you as long as you do not leave her without support. She will survive without YOU.

I wish I knew what too say. I am there, too.

My wife was not sick before we got married, it was after. She has liver cirroshis and is in line for a long and drawn out painful death. We have a 14 yo son and I want to provide a strong and positive male role model. But I am so in love with a wonderful fantastic woman. I am also so sexually motivatived. i just do not know what to do. Whatever I do it is wrong. HELP

you have a duty to your wife as you married her in sickness ans in health remember, and this is another test that life throws your way. if you are sexually motivated then talk to your wife, tell her what you need,even if she can't help your situation, if she loves you that much she will give you the answer to the problem.but don't have an emotional relationship with another, keep it purely as sex, the other that you think you love is not the answer.

MrMistake contradicted himself dearly by saying "I was a Christian and did the Christian thing of not having sex before marriage." then he claimed in another post that he actually had great sex life with ex girlfriends.

This women is not holding up her end of the deal. Marriage is a mutual agreement and requires both parties to participate. This poor guys is left alone with nothing but welfare and needs from a women. What a waste. She hasn't provided anything in the marriage. No love, no financial assistance, no help at all, nothing but welfare.

"I only got married because I thought God would want me to marry a Christian woman. She has an illness that means she can't work,"<br />
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I have a question did u know she was sick before you got married? and Was she the only christian woman you knew? and Why did u have to get married right then? Was it so u wouldnt feel guilty about having sex? If the answer to question 1 is a yes and youre the cristian you say you are then you definitely have no bibile ba<x>sed right to leave. "in sickness and in health" it didnt say if her sickness doesnt affect your sex life. <br />
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On the other hand if you take religion out of it. and U didnt really want to marry her in the first place then do both of you a favor and leave. Allow both of you to move on.

I also waited till I was married before have sex. The sex lasted about 8 years, then she got sick and it ended. That was about 10yrs ago. We have a kid, and she has a positive attitude. that helps me stay with her. But the lack of sex is starting to become an issue, I thought I could handle it, no sex. but after so long, I think I am going to have to figure something else out.

I hope that I am writing this as an after thought and that you've already left....I would tell her that I am either going to a walmart and getting astroguide lube and ******* the hell out of her or that I'm leaving....Just leave....have you seen medical proof from a medical dr that she is actually sick and just isn't a hyper-vagina-iac.

Not only poor you, but poor her in my opinion. If you think you have it bad, just dive into her mind for a few. She has no independence, has a sex drive which will never be satisfied, has no ability to have offspring, seems like she can't work from what I read, she really has a dark life going on... <br />
You suffer, you suffer much, you have a drive that is meant to be fed which hasn't and is eating you - I feel bad for both of you but more than for you for her... Only thing we need to do is learn to live in simplicity. I think you ought to take this situation into prayer with God, He alone can tell you what to do and how to do it... I am so sorry for this situation your in. - I think you should leave her as your spouse, but not as your friend and not as a person you want. I feel like you didn't love her when you got married. And about her anger issues, I recommend her spending time with God specially in His word, for it changes people... specially the NT...

your story broke my heart....the truth is tommorrow may never show up...for you and me life is not prromised. Instead of letting your idea of God hold you down, know that any god that deserves worship wouldn't want you to say in loveless marriage. Good luck.

You need to remember tat marriage is between you, ur wife and God. Talk to him before you make your final decision. Pray about it and the answer will be made clear to u

Wow what a mess hope you get your act together and end up happy!

This is very interesting. <br />
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" For those kind people that made sensitive comments about God, don't be offended but I am over that crap. That book is the biggest pile of s**t written by a bunch of old man arabs in the desert. I don't think it has much to say about my life in 2010 New Zealand. " <br />
Then..... why did you bring it up in the very first sentence of your story??? <br />
Oh, I get it. Silly me, you meant it as an insult. You must have thought what you meant by The Christian Thing was obvious. Whatever. Who is at fault in this marriage is now irrelevent but still interesting. <br />
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See, you married a Christian but it is apparent that you were only putting up an act. Your arrogant attitude towards faith has made YOU a deceiver to your wife. If this is how you talk about The Bible, I guess you have no capacity to understand the gravity of how you misled your wife. I think your wife is right to refuse having kids with you. <br />
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Your wife deceived you about sex in marriage. <br />
You deceived your wife about faith in marriage and you know it. <br />
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This is highly interesting because many of us identify ourselves as victims of refuser spouses. I do not give a damn to make you renew your Christian faith. That is God's job. I am just pointing out the bilateral deceit in your marriage. You might in fact be a contributor to your own marital demise. I wonder how many more of us in this group have done the same without realizing or admitting it. <br />
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For what it is worth, I still think you should dump your wife.

She may have a medical condition that makes intercourse painful and she should discuss this with her gyn. Have you ever tried KY jelly or some other lubricant?

Well marriage IS through SICKNESS and in health. Did you know that she couldn't have sex with you before you got married? If you KNEW it before you got married then I see it as your fault and you should sleep in the bed you made. However, if you had no idea and she lied to you then leave her. If she got sick while you two were together, well...then again, through SICKNESS and in health. If you love someone why would you consider it you being her nurse? Don't we help the people we love? It seems to me that you were granted a challenge from God that you're miserably failing in. <br />
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On the other hand you could be failing in that you're not overcoming guilt. But if you made the decision KNOWING she couldn't have sex or do the following then you truly deserve to stay with her and you're just being selfish. Everyone gets angry I've gotten angry and have physically hit someone for it but everybody has these times in life; it's natural. I've yelled before, screamed and cursed. So if you wife is getting it under control then there shouldn't be a problem. Maybe your wife is angry because she can't have sexual intercourse with you. Have you ever thought about that? All these things you have to ask yourself if you put yourself in that position knowing what you were getting yourself into then decide because what you maybe fighting with is your own selfishness of only wanting for yourself only. It all comes down to if you really love her or not. Ask yourself that. If you love her deeply then stay with her. If not then leave her. But you have to be careful that you don't mistake her sickness and you having to take care of her as you not loving her. <br />
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Seems like to me you don't love her with what you're saying. So it's up to you for to decide.

Lots of lube may help but may not. <br />
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(no need to answer these here but ...)<br />
Have you tried oral sex on her? Has she taken care of you this way? Has she tried toys/ vibes to get off? If she can have a good O that may help things and prepare her for more intimate encounters.

Hey mr 5 times in the last 20 months sounds completely uninterested in sex to me, as if she is just going through the motions.<br />
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if she was a virgin before she married you, maybe its not really the illness, but that she needs to get used to it? the first few times (it can vary between 1 to 10 times depending on the person) it hurts more then anything but after a while it will get good.<br />
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Maybe you two need lubricant or something.. she sounds as if she is dry like the sahara desert..<br />
anyway if she really does abuse you again, you really should dump her.

I am astounded that you went from a humble christian male to now saying that "don't be offended but I am over that crap. That book is the biggest pile of s**t written by a bunch of old man arabs in the desert.' in twenty four hours..Im actually sitting here laughing. ,so lets see what we have..<br />
she cannot have sex due to pain caused when having intercourse. but you do have sex ..5 times in 20 months....hand sex when ever..which is not cutting it for you because you have experinced awesome sex and want that again. Youve been to counseling, but that didnt work. You have a high libido and have sexual fantizies of ex girlfriends. <br />
Now as a woman Im going to let you have it..because you do deserve it.and Im not a suck up....honestly do you think women are stupid, do you think we dont know when the love is gone. We feel those things..think she doesnt notice you looking at other women, or that you not really satisfied sexually? Im sure it hasnt been easy for her as a woman who cant enjoy a sexual relationship with her husband, and Im sure she is angry there for actting out. <br />
Is it right, no, its not. But its not right to ask for advice about a very personal subject amongst strangers either. Yet here you are. When I read your green post I was wondering if you were a troll..then I thought what the heck..Ill bite.<br />
you say she isnt a refuser..she just cant. I know that must bother both of you. You want children and an active sexual relationship. She wants to but cant give that to you. You feel bad if you leave her, so you wish she would have an affair???? So my question is..are you? Or are you thinking about it and thats why all of a sudden the bible is full of crap written by arabs. I dont know what to tell you except this..there is no easy way to break up a marriage, there will be pain. I just know that this is a unhealthy relationship for both of you. <br />
Also..God is a forgiving God.

I am astounded at the number of posts. I can't believe it. I never expected so many kind and thoughtful people would actually read my ramblings. I might have written better prose if I had known.<br />
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For those kind people that made sensitive comments about God, don't be offended but I am over that crap. That book is the biggest pile of s**t written by a bunch of old man arabs in the desert. I don't think it has much to say about my life in 2010 New Zealand.<br />
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Unlike other people here, I am not married to a 'refuser'. I don't know why, but she suffers pain, during and after intercourse. We had sex maybe 5 times in the last 20 months. She wants to be sexual with me, and we try, but its terrible sex if you know what I mean. Due to her sickness, its limited to hand jobs. It sounds terrible, but it does nothing for me. Its like scratching an itch. A counselor told me that I could be sexually fulfilled, but hes not in my shoes. I am young, healthy, fit and strong.<br />
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I have a very high libido, no kidding. I have had wonderful sexual relations before. I know the amazingly fulfilling feeling that comes from satisfying a sexual woman. I have spent whole days in bed before, and I miss those days with an ache that is hard to bear. I have dreams almost every night of ex girlfriends.<br />
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Then theres the issue of verbal abuse. She has a massive anger problem. She let it out a lot, and said so so many hurtful things. She screamed at me, she throws things, she calls me names. She once said she wanted to punch me in the head while I was driving. Its been unbearable.<br />
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Then I left and she cried, and said she was sorry and promised to never do that again.<br />
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Somewhere in there I lost it. I have struggled to love someone who I can't be intimate with. Saying sorry doesn't seem to take it away. I would walk away and never look back. <br />
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I just struggle with leaving her alone. I would love for her to have an affair, but I know thats not possible. I worry that I will be haunted by this. Will I spend the rest of my life wondering how she is doing, feeling terrible for leaving her.

You and I are in the same situation.

Fat,<br />
Which form of abuse would you find most acceptable in answering your question?<br />
<br />
Seems pretty loaded.<br />
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Physical violence, emotional hostage taking, sexual neglect... All worth leaving over.