Married To Asperger Husband - Leading To Sexless Marriage
I was so releived when I found out about Aspergers. It meant that my lonliness and isolation was indeed real, and since then, have found that our marriage actually improved a bit with this new found realization of how my husbands mind works.
But now, things have taken a vicous turn for the worst. I think I've been distracting the issue with alcohol, and workalism to fill the void. Being the NT partner, I pretty much take care of everything, and now I liken our courtship before marriage, more as if he was like a puppy that followed me home. Of course, I did not realize that our love was so disconnected. Through the newness of it all, yes I thought his behavior was bizarre at times, but I guess I tricked myself into beleiving what we had was real.
To him its real, but to me, I feel empty, lonely and disconnected.
The last straw was when he insisted on taking a vacation to Vegas, (we had not had a vacation since our three year was born) and he asked his mother to come stay with the kids. Intuitively, I knew this would end badly. From the little bit I knew of his mother, she did not seem like a very kind person. I make it point to only see his parents 4 times a year, as interacting with them is pure and utter torture. The mother, is narcissistic and even shows abusive behavior toward my husband's father, but now I suspect that my husbands father has Aspergers too, and he does not know that he is being insulted. The mother is horrifically rude and she can only have a conversation if its about her. She likes to complain about all her health issues, and the second the topic is no longer on her, she will literally turn and walk away from you.
So I told my husband how I thought his mother coming over here would be a very bad idea. I envisioned her being very judgemental, complaining about everything, etc.. But he assured me that my basis for my opinion of his mother was wrong, and how they only want to spend time with their grand kids.
Well, I have a 13 year old from a previous marriage, and then we have the 3 year old together. His parents were ridiculously cruel to my 13 year old the whole time we were gone, (and ME when we got back) and showered the 3 year old with attention to the point of it being toxic. (she still does not act right since my inlaws left. She yells and screams when before, she was actually very respectful polite child. Because the grand parents pit her against her older brother, (who is more like a father to her than a brother) things have not been the same. It was such a horrendous visit. I can not describe it. Our vacation certainly was not worth it. To come home to messed up children, (and this was two months ago) certainly was not worth it.
So I asked my husband to put his parents in their place, and to somehow communicate how disrespectful they were toward me, our son, our daughter, etc..
But no can do. My husbands says he is incapable of having that conversation. he asked that I write everything down for him when he has the conversation with his mother. Because of his Aspy ways, he says he can not communicate with her and he is disabled by the whole notion, that he would rather just not deal with her, or see her or his dad, ever again.
I asked him about his family life and child hood, and my husband has no recollection of anything. He says that when his parents come into his mind, he is a dysfunctional person, and he would rather not deal with them. Now that I think about it, his father is in an Aspy too, and the mother is pretty malicious toward him, calling him slave derisively, etc...
I think on some level, my husbands parents know that I am the one that makes the decisions, so they liken all the requests to me. i feel over burdened and hopeless about dealing with his parents, and I this is the absolute last straw on me taking on any more burden.
I feel like our marriage hopeless.... talking to him is hopeless, I am so alone.. I looked online for some support groups, but most of the Aspy resources for the most part, just focus on making him some what functional, and not as rude or distant, but I know that the person I married, I will never have a real emotional connection with.
He is a genuine kind hearted guy. He is a good father to our daughter, as I know he loves her, but he struggles with communication, boundary setting with her, etc. My daughter clearly lacks respect for her father, as she does not treat me the same way. I am more stern, and do not let her get away with as much. This was how the grand father was too. He was out of control letting her run wild. My daughter played them puppets just to see what they would do , adn still tries that with us. This was not an issue before the visit. I am surprised out how deep their influence affected her.
I was looking for some support of Aspy spouses, and came across something called Cassandra syndrom, which is typically what the other spouse, (the non asperger spouse) will succumb too after being so isolated, lonely, etc.. this is me EXACTLY http://www.asperger-marriage.info/cadd.html
Him being unable to protect our family from his mother, or dealing with her, etc.. has really left me feeling hopeless. I think before mother in law came, I was drinking the hopelessness away and just toiling away. I am so sad, and so depressed. Right now, he is just avoiding his parents, because he figures why bother? For him, its easy to just cut them off, since according to him, they put him in a bad situation. But this is because he NEVER stands up for himself, EVER!!!
The mother is very cruel, self centered and narcissistic. We went over there for Thanks Giving once, and she took the liberty of inviting her sons exgirlfriend, to his chagrin. He sat there and pouted with a mean look on his face the whole time and never said a word. The mother did not even care or notice. Its like everyone was there to be her audience. And of course the father is always right by her side.
I wonder if being an Aspy has some environmental triggers, rather than it just being neurological. If my husband had such a emotionally detached and over bearing mother, I think that contributed to his current condition. Not only that, but in some instances, my husband can actually be social. usually when we are away on vacation, he is able to chat ti up with a few strangers. But thats the only time you will every see him social. this has developed over our 10 year marriage.
His mother, on the other hand, they live in a one stop light town, and she actually expected him to live and grow up in that town. All she talks about is how he is the caretaker, and she is very resentful that he moved away. I think this is really selfish. A parent should be proud when their children go out on their own!! But no, not her, in addition to coming over our home, and complaining about everything, (literally, our organic food, the floors squeaking, how fat I am, on and on an on) she had the nerve to assume that she was living with us, and she bothers me all the time, asking me when I am going to add a mother in law room!!!!!
I am so depressed. In addition to all the other short comings in this marriage, I can not take this anymore.
I have not had sex with my husband since my inlaws left. I am so disppointed in him, I 've just lost all hope. I've been avoiding the whole sex thing. I can not tell what he knows or not. I did tell him that I wanted to get over this, that I want to love him, etc. but its hard since now I know the truth, where as in the past, I was able to delude myself.
He says he feels really bad about inviting his mother over and insisting that everything would be OK. He is not one to learn from his mistakes. He has a brother, that is a real jerk. I did not know it at the time. He is also narcissistic, self - entitled, etc.. He invited his brother on MY business trip. The brother ruined it, because he complained about everything if we did not do what HE wanted, (going to ***** clubs) and I was infuriated with my husband for not having the sense to know that his brother acts like this, and why did he let him come? He just said that he forgot.
I went through withdrawal and had seizures over my alcoholic habit that I continue to battle. He is oblivious to it all. I mentioned it in passing, and he was acting like, "what are you talking about, you went through withdrawal?" as if it never happened.
He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, because I think in his brain, its like the movie, Ground hog Day, where character keeps reliving the same day over and over again, except in my husbands case, he never learns. He is so disconnected and distracted, but I know that he does desire love.
He does not understand why I do not want to have sex with him. My son offered to baby sit, but when my hubby found out I had my period, he was like, "whats the point of date night!" yeah, real loving.
I guess if I want the love I need, I will have to get a divorce some day.