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Married To Asperger Husband - Leading To Sexless Marriage

Hey everyone,

I was so releived when I found out about Aspergers. It meant that my lonliness and isolation was indeed real, and since then, have found that our marriage actually improved a bit with this new found realization of how my husbands mind works.

But now, things have taken a vicous turn for the worst. I think I've been distracting the issue with alcohol, and workalism to fill the void. Being the NT partner, I pretty much take care of everything, and now I liken our courtship before marriage, more as if he was like a puppy that followed me home. Of course, I did not realize that our love was so disconnected. Through the newness of it all, yes I thought his behavior was bizarre at times, but I guess I tricked myself into beleiving what we had was real.

To him its real, but to me, I feel empty, lonely and disconnected.

The last straw was when he insisted on taking a vacation to Vegas, (we had not had a vacation since our three year was born) and he asked his mother to come stay with the kids. Intuitively, I knew this would end badly. From the little bit I knew of his mother, she did not seem like a very kind person. I make it point to only see his parents 4 times a year, as interacting with them is pure and utter torture. The mother, is narcissistic and even shows abusive behavior toward my husband's father, but now I suspect that my husbands father has Aspergers too, and he does not know that he is being insulted. The mother is horrifically rude and she can only have a conversation if its about her. She likes to complain about all her health issues, and the second the topic is no longer on her, she will literally turn and walk away from you.

So I told my husband how I thought his mother coming over here would be a very bad idea. I envisioned her being very judgemental, complaining about everything, etc.. But he assured me that my basis for my opinion of his mother was wrong, and how they only want to spend time with their grand kids.

Well, I have a 13 year old from a previous marriage, and then we have the 3 year old together. His parents were ridiculously cruel to my 13 year old the whole time we were gone, (and ME when we got back) and showered the 3 year old with attention to the point of it being toxic. (she still does not act right since my inlaws left. She yells and screams when before, she was actually very respectful polite child. Because the grand parents pit her against her older brother, (who is more like a father to her than a brother) things have not been the same. It was such a horrendous visit. I can not describe it. Our vacation certainly was not worth it. To come home to messed up children, (and this was two months ago) certainly was not worth it.

So I asked my husband to put his parents in their place, and to somehow communicate how disrespectful they were toward me, our son, our daughter, etc..

But no can do. My husbands says he is incapable of having that conversation. he asked that I write everything down for him when he has the conversation with his mother. Because of his Aspy ways, he says he can not communicate with her and he is disabled by the whole notion, that he would rather just not deal with her, or see her or his dad, ever again.

I asked him about his family life and child hood, and my husband has no recollection of anything. He says that when his parents come into his mind, he is a dysfunctional person, and he would rather not deal with them. Now that I think about it, his father is in an Aspy too, and the mother is pretty malicious toward him, calling him slave derisively, etc...

I think on some level, my husbands parents know that I am the one that makes the decisions, so they liken all the requests to me. i feel over burdened and hopeless about dealing with his parents, and I this is the absolute last straw on me taking on any more burden.

I feel like our marriage hopeless.... talking to him is hopeless, I am so alone.. I looked online for some support groups, but most of the Aspy resources for the most part, just focus on making him some what functional, and not as rude or distant, but I know that the person I married, I will never have a real emotional connection with.

He is a genuine kind hearted guy. He is a good father to our daughter, as I know he loves her, but he struggles with communication, boundary setting with her, etc. My daughter clearly lacks respect for her father, as she does not treat me the same way. I am more stern, and do not let her get away with as much. This was how the grand father was too. He was out of control letting her run wild. My daughter played them puppets just to see what they would do , adn still tries that with us. This was not an issue before the visit. I am surprised out how deep their influence affected her.

I was looking for some support of Aspy spouses, and came across something called Cassandra syndrom, which is typically what the other spouse, (the non asperger spouse) will succumb too after being so isolated, lonely, etc.. this is me EXACTLY

Him being unable to protect our family from his mother, or dealing with her, etc.. has really left me feeling hopeless. I think before mother in law came, I was drinking the hopelessness away and just toiling away. I am so sad, and so depressed. Right now, he is just avoiding his parents, because he figures why bother? For him, its easy to just cut them off, since according to him, they put him in a bad situation. But this is because he NEVER stands up for himself, EVER!!!

The mother is very cruel, self centered and narcissistic. We went over there for Thanks Giving once, and she took the liberty of inviting her sons exgirlfriend, to his chagrin. He sat there and pouted with a mean look on his face the whole time and never said a word. The mother did not even care or notice. Its like everyone was there to be her audience. And of course the father is always right by her side.

I wonder if being an Aspy has some environmental triggers, rather than it just being neurological. If my husband had such a emotionally detached  and over bearing mother, I think that contributed to his current condition. Not only that, but in some instances, my husband can actually be social. usually when we are away on vacation, he is able to chat ti up with a few strangers. But thats the only time you will every see him social. this has developed over our 10 year marriage.

His mother, on the other hand, they live in a one stop light town, and she actually expected him to live and grow up in that town. All she talks about is how he is the caretaker, and she is very resentful that he moved away. I think this is really selfish. A parent should be proud when their children go out on their own!! But no, not her, in addition to coming over our home, and complaining about everything, (literally, our organic food, the floors squeaking, how fat I am, on and on an on) she had the nerve to assume that she was living with us, and she bothers me all the time, asking me when I am going to add a mother in law room!!!!!

I am so depressed. In addition to all the other short comings in this marriage, I can not take this anymore.

I have not had sex with my husband since my inlaws left. I am so disppointed in him, I 've just lost all hope. I've been avoiding the whole sex thing. I can not tell what he knows or not. I did tell him that I wanted to get over this, that I want to love him, etc. but its hard since now I know the truth, where as in the past, I was able to delude myself.

He says he feels really bad about inviting his mother over and insisting that everything would be OK. He is not one to learn from his mistakes. He has a brother, that is a real jerk. I did not know it at the time. He is also narcissistic, self - entitled, etc.. He invited his brother on MY business trip. The brother ruined it, because he complained about everything if we did not do what HE wanted, (going to ***** clubs) and I was infuriated with my husband for not having the sense to know that his brother acts like this, and why did he let him come? He just said that he forgot.

I went through withdrawal and had seizures over my alcoholic habit that I continue to battle. He is oblivious to it all. I mentioned it in passing, and he was acting like, "what are you talking about, you went through withdrawal?" as if it never happened.

He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, because I think in his brain, its like the movie, Ground hog Day, where character keeps reliving the same day over and over again, except in my husbands case, he never learns. He is so disconnected and distracted, but I know that he does desire love.

He does not understand why I do not want to have sex with him. My son offered to baby sit, but when my hubby found out I had my period, he was like, "whats the point of date night!" yeah, real loving.

I guess if I want the love I need, I will have to get a divorce some day.

sediqua22 sediqua22 36-40 41 Responses Apr 13, 2010

Your Response


All of this is quite sad to read. I am a male Asperger's and women have always been a major difficulty to me. If I can be of any advice, I will stress two points:

1. If your Asperger partner/husband stops communicating to you this likely means (s)he is in trouble/suffering somehow. Communicating with the people we love can be far more difficult than with the people we do not. Lack of communication does not mean lack of love.

2. If you feel: lonely, sad, frustrated, depressed, just tell it to your partner/husband. You should be as direct as possible but in parallel as least aggressive as possible, so (s)he understands something can be made about it. Women: just take the initiative regarding sex; again, the fact that your Asperger husband dos not seek you does not mean he no longer desires you.

Best hopes.

Similar situation. He wont change. Advancing age and the slight memory losses that we all get will worsen the stuation. Aspies rote learned coping skills then start to erode. Advice get divorced, grieve, and restartyour life. Pepper.

Add a response...

some websites suggest, that Spouses are only friends to a aspergers, and that the spouse should be the only aspies one friend , but watever 0.0, i may be aspie but i wouldent live well with that

Hello Everyone,I can't tell you how happy I have found this forum. My husband and I have been married thus far for 8 years. When we first started dating things were a whole lot different and like many of you I did not notice the red flags. In the beginning we had sex a lot, I mean a lot lot! All of a sudden it was like a button switch it off. We no longer have sex unless I initiate it. He forgot our anniversary one year, and my birthday the next. I sometimes cry in the middle of the nighth while laying next to him. I feel alone most of the time and like I'm living with a roommate versus a husband. Unlike most of you have posted, my husband was raised by his grandparents. His grandmother was a stay at home woman while his grandfather was in the Navy. From what I was told they showed him little to no emotions, nor never told him and his brother that they loved them. No hugs or kiss, things a child needs to hear and feel. His grandfather was, as described by my husband, a mean man and his grandmother just went with the flow. I have mentioned it to my husband on several occasions that I refuse to have children with a man who will not show them that he loves them.eWe have had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn unfortunately. I sometimes wonder if that was the universe telling me that this marriage was not meant to be. I have come to play to divorce on so many occasions. However, I then sit and think to myself how much I LOVE this man and that I'm in love with him as well. I could be so mad at him that I want to slap him, lol. I still think to myself in the mist of me being mad with him that I love him and I'm still in love with him and that I want to make it work. we used to have so many arguments daily about how I thought he was doing everything on purpose. And that maybe he was cheating on me, because we were not having sex. It took him telling me that he thinks he has AS. I used to be little him so much and call him stupid, because I'm going to be honest, my husband does lacks common sense. I now constantly apologize for my behavior of the first three years of our marriage. I still feel bad that I called him such mean words prior to knowing about his AS. Over time I have learned to work with him instead of against him. However, I still feel lonely and isolated in our marriage and miss the intimacy. Everyday its the same routine. We wake up, I fix his lunch, he goes to work, comes home, I have dinner ready for him. He then goes to his first wife, his laptop. I say that because he spends more time with his laptop then he does with me. After being on his laptop for about 5 to 6 hours, and me just sitting there watching television. We then go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. I have gained so much weight throughout our marriage because I use food as a comfort. he never tells me thank you for the things I do. And when I bring it to his attention he says he does appreciate me, he just doesn't know how to show it.I love my husband and I want this marriage to work, its just hard. I know the easy route would be to give up and divorce him. And I would, if I wasn't so in love with him. He really is a good man. I have everything I want and need. If I want something he buys it with no questions. However, I rather have his love and affection then material things. We have no friends whatsoever! Because, it's hard to meet people that understand him the way I do. we have did the whole marriage counseling thing and it was no help. I told him two years ago that I accepted him for who he was and that I know to lower my expectations when it comes to wanting to feel loved and needed. However, I feel bad because now I realize that wanting to feel that love and a connection with him is still there and will never go away. And I know there's nothing he nor I can do about it. I would just have to live with it or divorce him, and I can never see myself divorcing him. I LOVE him too much. HE REALLY IS A GOOD MAN. He's selfless, respectful, and genuinely wants to see me happy even if he's not the one to make me happy. PLEASE, if there's anyone out there who have been married to a person with AS for a long time, and have children by them please share. I need encouragement. Thank you.

Hi Hub.
i actually joined this group just so that I could answer your post... It was almost like I was reading about my own life for the past 5 years. Red flags, lots o sex, button going off, wanting to slap him, married to his laptop, living with a roommate, loving him with all my heart. In the beginning I didn't really know about aspergers or autism, and of course now that we are broken up - I know a lot about it. You probably know this, but couples therapy notoriously doesn't with AS NT couples - mostly bc most therapists are NT and one of the major issues is understanding the different ways that our minds work. One major difference between you and I though - we weren't married and I am still getting over the breakup from about 2 years ago. The way you are explaining the compassion you have for him, and your conviction that he is a very good man, and that he would do anything for you(that he was Able to..), that no one can understand him but you, is very similar to my situation. I know you are looking for encouragement so I will try to give it to you. I was (like you) very willing to put up with all that you have said and more bc I loved him so very much. I figured we could work through it somehow. He actually finally insisted (by just shutting down) that I break up with him - I think like you say , he genuinely wanted me to be happy and didn't think he would be able to give me what I needed in a relationship. Which , like you, was just basic attention, a sex life, communication, and other "NT" things that would be considered par for the course for most relationships...
I think you need to rethink what you want and need. Lists help, pros and cons, etc. If you think you can survive on what he is able to give you, then yes-decide to stay and allow yourself to really concentrate on accepting him the way he is and move on to get what you need from friends, other support groups, and hobbies. You have to accept it. I think that the only way to be happy is to realize that this is the basis of the situation - you need to accept what you have and work with it. OR, you need to really consider a future where you have a different relationship - maybe a separate one where he is a friend. That didn't work out for me - I am coming to terms with the fact that I can't be friends with him - but maybe for you that is the way to go. Only you know where your limits are and how you can proceed.
I really wish you good luck and want you to realize that what you are going through is relatively common. You just feel alone and like you are the weird one or the needy one or whatever when really you are just wanting "what you need in a relationship. I am not saying either of these options are easy. They are both really ******* hard. (sorry) But a decision to get married to an AS man has these issues. I really do feel for you and what you are going through. Good Luck. Anna

there are many books on this topic including one where a husband tried really hard to change

but all aspies are very different
some are very difficult to live with and hopeless with caring for children or keeping jobs
and others are different
find a counsellor who specialises in aspergers.
read as many books as you can
find various forums and groups re aspergers.
i know one couple who have had 2 chidlren but they dont live together as they find that too difficult and thats how they reduce stresses while still loving each other.

i wish you good luck.

Sediqua22 what you describe fits my sexless, emotionless, lonely, frustrated marriage to a tee. Including the Narcisstic mother in law. You are not alone. But there are too few of us. I am new to this forum feel free to contact me in the future.

i guess when i say i'm interest in long term effects i mean like

depression, isolation, exhaustion, frustration, loss of self esteem, loss of joy

that occurs to women who live with an unaffectionate difficult aspie long term

i am most interested in the LONG TERM EFFECTS

of living with someone who is in denial re his aspergers

who is
moody pedantic rigid, argumentative passive aggressive, blaming, critical
withholding of money, affection, sex
unaffectionate, not a giver sexually, and a tight arse with money.
also difficultt to communicate about anything to do with a relationship or what makes me happy or what doesnt so what to do more or what to do less.

He fights counsellors, he fights, denys autism, he doesnt show signs that he would be one of those who would want to learn about aspergers and try to make me happy

he makes me happy with actions of practical things that he is very clever with.

We are no longer together and really never were, he was more of a friend,

he is obsessed about having a child, he is having a midlife crisis, so he is off seeing if he can find someone to have a baby with.

i never lived with him so the balance of good and bad arent too bad but still him being so unaffectionate and not a giver sexually as well as the other things are really suffering.

he also spins lies, tells stories to fit his reality rather than admit he was horrible at a certain time.

Maybe i'll find someone neurotipical who just is a whole lot more peaceful easier, though this last friend was extremely helpful,

hopefully i'll find someone who can be affectionate etc, though i hope they can be somewhat clever /helpful like the strength of aspergers can be.

I have only recently found this website and wondered how you were getting on. I have been with my high functioning husband for thirty years. Same story with domineering mother. I sometimes think they are in love with each other. If they had emotions that is. Probably co dependant. The trouble is there isn't anyone to talk to. Having worked with kids with Aspergers I recognised it some time ago and probably know more about it than many experts. People in normal relationships wouldn't appreciatr

Your mother-in-law likely also has Asperger's. Undiagnosed of course...the mental health community, for the most part, is simply unaware how this disorder affects females. But everything you describe---from the favoritism toward her biological grandchild, her rudeness toward you, inviting your husband's ex-girl-friend to dinner, the one-sided conversations---this is all adult female aspie behavior. Asperger syndrome is highly hereditary---you've married into a family of aspies. (I did story is your story.) Be prepared...his family will always treat you with cruelty that they will never acknowledge, and you will always be an outsider. If you can, get a family (or couples) therapist who has lots of experience working with adults with Asperger's syndrome. Or at least for yourself, find a therapist who is very familiar with what an autism spectrum disorder looks like in an adult, and the profound impact AS can have on the NT spouse. You need to find at least one other person who "gets" the hell of being an NT living in an autistic world.

To read this was very emotional for me because my boyfriend is an Aspy, too. But one thing I would personally advise you to do is to go to a psychiatrist. He is a doctor who will help you with your possible depression and make an appointment for your husband, too. This will get your things going for the better. It certainly helped me and my bf. Second thing to do would be to go to a family therapist, who would help your husband understand, what his social difficulties are and how to improve them. And the most needed thing for you right now is patience. Try to not think about the helpless future, but be in a moment and try to see, how you can get help (read articles on Internet, go to psychiatrist and family therapist). These people are the ones who can make a difference in your life right now. They will help you with your loneliness and will help you to communicate better with him. I hope your life will get better!

I am really late replying to this post but wonder how you're doing now. I've just posted a question to find out if anyone thinks it would be worth setting up a website specifically for NT partners to give support. If you're still in this position, please could you let me know if you think this is a good idea? Or not?

I hope you're doing ok :)

I am late to this post, but your post tore on my heart strings...and so did all the people who responded to you sharing their experiences. I have been married for 10 years this June. I knew nothing about Asperger's until a little over 5 years ago when mine and my husband's son got diagnosed on the Spectrum. Prior to this, we thought we had figured out that my hubby has Adult ADD. He has been on medication for that. It seems to help. The more I read about Asperger's from neurotypical women married to these men, the more I lose hope. I find it difficult to vent to my friends who are in NT relationships. They ask the same questions and give the same advice: Have you tried counseling? (Yes, for years). Did you know he was like this before you married him? (Not so much b/c we never lived together, and all his charming behaviors remained in full force until the day we got married, although looking back I see plenty of red flags). You just need to find ways to fulfill yourself, they say. Well, while I enjoy my independence (which is one huge thing that attracted me to my hubby, although I didn't realize it was b/c he has no need to connect...he lets me do whatever I want, whenever, with whomever, etc.), I feel socially and emotionally isolated. I feel as though I am living with a roommate with perks who cross in the night - he earns a nice paycheck, and I get sex 3-5 times per month....even if it is completely routine and perfunctory. He helps take care of our now 7-year-old. He lets me do whatever I want, but he is incapable of giving me what I need. So, do I spend the last 1/2 of my life resenting this marriage and him? Or do I pursue my own happiness? It is very lonely living with someone who is totally happy with his marriage and life, who knows I am not, but who can do nothing about it b/c he only has the skills when his wife has one foot out the door. I even let myself gain 50 lbs. to avoid being attractive to other men, as I was having too many fantasies about being with other men who better suited me! So, now I am killing myself being overweight? Not right. Right now I want to get out from under this burden of a marriage, but I feel selfish if I do that, b/c he cannot help his medical condition. He is so mean and nasty, passive-aggressive, rude, and contemptuous. He blames me for everything. He calls me "Bat-**** crazy", which his dad used to call his mom, btw. He did not acknowledge me for Mother's Day or for our 9th wedding anniversary last year, and various other special occasions. Most of my friends have problems with him. My family despises him, even though I've tried to educate them on his problems. I have brought up Asperger's, but he wants to be in denial. I feel there is no hope, and THIS is why my heart goes out to anyone in this situation. I'd be interested to hear any updates from anyone.

You sound exactly like me been with my fiancé for nearly 6 years have felt just about everything you have felt. Are you doing OK?

Been married to to an Aspy for 40 years only realised what his problem was when I had to teach an autistic child. Research led me to the conclusion he has not been formally diagnosed. All of our friends male and female agree with me. He has an incredible maths brain, he remembers people by their phone numbers not their names. This is difficult in introductions when we meet someone in the street who knows him and not me, my husband whispers to me this is 043297854. A weird life!
My husband's mother was diagnosed paranoid delusional,his father was definitely Aspy.Both have passed on.
So your info on the in-laws rang true. It is so hard to cope.
We have 4 great kids who also know their father is different. My youngest son tries very hard to fill the gap of my husbands lack of caring. The emotional toll is still very high and I do feel like calling it quits after all this time. I hang in there for the family.
We are supposed to travel with friends soon for 6 weeks in Europe but because of a back injury I suffered (partly due to my husband)and consequent operations I can't go, but he has no qualms in going without me. This is our married life no caring at all.
Another incident was when they found a tumour in my stomach and I had to have more tests to see if it was benign or malignant. He went away on a work trip and while away he rang to say what a great time he was having. He was on a deck watching the sunset over the water and he and all his mates were enjoying themselves and what was I doing.
Tumour was benign and many many hurts later I am still married but always wonder why.
Go or stay I don't know

Quick personal feedback:I was the very few that was diagnosed with AS in the year 1993, I was 5 years old. I never got the real communication treatment like the individuals today but I purposely push my self to connect and I even pushed my self into the military; it was literally the worst as well the best thing that can ever happen to me.

In my opinion, there is nothing you can really do unless he wants to change. He needs to relinquish his inner world and push out to his outer world. *The best way to explain the inner world is to be lost in your own day-dream, it's like the happy place where you can leave from reality* He will never fully give you the emotional support that you desire and let's assume he did attempt to better him self. It could take years or even a decade before you see progress.

Each one of us have different experience and almost impossible to compare and contrast each other. My wife and I started reading books and seeing a counselor before we got married so this way I learn to work and help support her as well she can learn that when I unintentionally go inverted, she won't freak out. I also push her to make many friends as a emotional support group and promote her to see her family if I'm unable to.

I'm sorry there is no real quick fix to this but to sum everything up for a quick answer, go take your husband and go see a counselor that specialize in AS and NT relationships.


Do you have an update? I've been married to my ASH for 12 years. I relate to your story exactly. My husband also likes to gamble in Vegas and leaves me watching cable in the hotel basically for the entire vacation...

His mom is the same as you describe. Over the years, I know she has Asperger's and OCD. The whole family is my own personal emotional mine field. I think you could forgive you MIL once you diagnose her. It took me a while. I realized she(MIL) was so off the wall it had to be a "DISABILITY." That realization solved many questions for me.

My ASH wrote me a love letter in college. I didn't keep it. Over the years I realize it was a "fill in the emotion" document. When I read your reaction the the family I totally relate, and might suggest that you take a moment to consider: If you are the only person having real emotions during these conversations, you might, in fact, be the only person feeling emotions. The lack of fond childhood memories, and connection among the family members is a simple consequence of that emotional/ social part of their brain not functioning.

As a sad aside, I am quite depressed. My husband's brother also has AS physical and emotional issues. He married a girl with sensory issues and they are raising two sons with a combo of violent, non-emotional, autistic tendencies, and parenting to encourage their sons' bad behaviors -go figure. My kids have problems as well, but they are more anxiety related. Sucks. Let's just hope the nephews fall out of the gene pool. 7 billion people is enough.

Maybe it just does not matter. Maybe we just should never get married. Maybe we are just defective. That's how I feel.

umm ... no. do not divorce. take two years to fix your marriage! this guy can make you incredibly happy. first you husband is desperate to be saved from himself and he needs you to take charge and respect him at the same time and make him and yourself happy. he can never tell you that because he is frightened and terrified. Once you arrange your life by adding married couples as friends and you need about 3 couples to meet in hang out places once a month after you do your own work with him for a few months to make him feel safe. sleep with him and be super kind and patient. think 3 year old when deal with him. replace the alchohol with the gym! show him how to live. watch shows of normal married couple. mad about you maybe. the real housewives of beverly hills... say no to his family for a while. you need a year long break. listen to him! if he says cut them off then do that for two years and fix you life. you can call them or something, but do not let him see them for a while. take vacations with your kids on the weekends more frequently at first so he will be more and more social. understand yourself and do your own therapy at the same time. I am one year into my fefforts with my own husband. ----- May God help you.

I completely understand where you're coming from. My ex had Apie, but we didn't know it at the time. I always had my doubts because he was so different. He was an intervert and I was an extervert. I was the type that liked to party, club, hang out with friends, so when he met me he found that attractive. After we got married it changed. He didn't want to do anything, just stay home, and would question me every time i spent money. He was obsessed with saving every penny. I also noticed that he didn't like to be touched or kiss in public and when i tried at home he would push me away and tell me to calm down. If i was out with friends or started talking to other people he would ask me to behave. I felt like he was my father! We tried to have kids, but he wasn't good at that either. He had issues and couldn't give me a kid. After trying everything and asking him to go to counseling I ended moving out. I found from him that he finally went to counseling and was diagnosed with Aspie. He even realizes that if he would have known that he had Aspie before, he would have never married me. I also agree with him. We were just two different people. Today he is remarried, to a teacher, which i think fits his lifestyle and is more likely to understand him. And I'm married to a wonderful man that still rocks my world after 7 years! He is spontaneous, fun, loving and has given me a beautiful little girl. God works in mysterious ways and i'm glad everything worked out for all of us.

I thankyou for writing this. I believe my husband may have aspergers. I'm struggling to deal with it at the moment. My life doesn't seem "real😒" do they live in their own fantasy world? I'm left to hold everything up, he will watch me cry and show no emotion. There is nothing. The only time I see him excited about anything is when it's a car. Every conversation he thinks he is having is him talking. I'm allowed no input. I feel angry. Depressed. My whole personality has changed.

Your world sounds exactly like mine. Do you have children ? We have 2, otherwise i think i would have left my marriage by now. Would love to hear ffrom you.

Your husband's 'forgettfulness ' is identical with my Aspie husband. I often wonder how can someone forgets significant events, people's character like that?! This just add onto the existing problems. <br />
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I'm in a marriage for 14 years now and we've been sexless for almost 2 years.<br />
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I'm sure we will find a way out, stay strong and take good care of yourself.<br />
<br />
Good luck

i am in that situation too, its like being in a prison, in solitary !

He's the one who insists on inviting his mother into your home. Put HIM in his place. Get angry with him! Guilt isn't changing his behavior, so maybe you need to put a little fear. Scream your head off at him the next time he proposes seeing his mother. Threaten to leave him if it gets worse. Grow a spine and tell that fool off. You have a son to protect, so to hell with your hubby's feelings.

i hear you, very much like my relationship, with an asp stepson as well, which is challenging but also rewarding to see that when just the three of us, we are so relaxed with each other and feel bonded because we understand each other, i have hyper mania so 3 completely oddbods together, but again with understanding and most of all acceptance of the differences it actually can be refreshing.<br />
at first i was always comparing him to other men ive had relationships with and found it depressing and lonely, but i decided to stay with him, and accept the way he is, stop fighting it, stop fantasising about another kind of relationship, it wont happen!<br />
so my advice is, to accept the unusual remoteness of the man, i did, it was weird at first to live a more independant life within a marriage, but that is what i did and we run our own restaurant and he has his hobbies ( computer games in solitude) and i have developed my life and social world, it can work, now i adore the free time, the personal space that i have, and when he is good and alive i make sure spend that time with him, aspys can be wonderfully romantic and deeply spiritual, loving men, but not all the time and invariably not on your timescale, will allways be on his terms!!!<br />
try this attitude, a life less ordinary? dont fall in to the trap of thinking we have to have so called normal regular relationships, just because our relationship model doesnt match the perfect media airbrushed images of perfect couples, so what?<br />
it all boils down to how much you love the man, nd how adaptable you want to be.. your decision of course, good luck huni, you are not alone thats for sure xxx

Your desc<x>ription of your marriage is very much like mine, especially in the passivity and dysfunction that your husband exhibits toward everything in his life that isn't 99% positive. My husband also cannot cope with any experiences other than affirming ones. He had a narcissistic (also autistic, I suspect) mother and an AS father who did "puppet" him and he, like your husband, has no coping skills due to the poor parenting. My husband is like a shell of man, full of good intentions and able and willing to be invisible and pliable. My husband seems to be unable and unwilling to accept in his reality that he has to develop himself and mature, despite many available therapies, books, and workbooks. I expect practically nothing from him any more because he simply cannot and will not grow as a man. Due to my helpful and unhelpful efforts to address issues with him over the years, he now has very low self-esteem and isn't as relaxed around me. I can usually (it's been 20 years) enjoy the aspects of the marriage that I can and ignore the rest. I try not to imagine "what if" because I do love my husband and I would probably do it all over again even knowing what I do today. Thank you for your careful and honest desc<x>ription of your marriage. It helps to read how others experience AS in marriage.

I am grateful to read this article so much of it resonates with the Aspie husband, his Narcissistic, controling mother, his Aspy father (engineer, and can only have passion for one thing at a time, (Cement, geneology, history.) My lonileness, my sexless marriage, the no conversations. His monotone, ex<x>pressionless face, no social skills, makes the same mistakes over and over, passive agressive, self absorbed, unable to deal with children's emotions. unable to protect the family from mother in law garbage. <br />
Whenever I got pregnant, then his focus would go to me. He used to switch back to the man I was dating and endeared to and married. when. As soon as the child would be born he would go back to being absent, mechanical, robotic. Going back to work the afternoon of the birth of one of our children. I am so lonely, depressed, emotionally spent after 20 years of this. I would love to find support groups for this.


After reading a few things, I think I have come to realize that this might be what my husband has. He mentioned that he might have this syndrome earlier on in our relationship but I negated it. I find more often than not, people tend to use a "title" of some type to make excuses for the way they are. On the other hand, I have come to believe that in order for the "title" to be real, more than one person must have these issues. My only concern is that the diagnosis is so large - it encompasses most of my personality traits and I don't have Aspergers! <br />
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Sediqua22 I have a very similar husband to yours. My mother in law is definitely the dominant force in his family ( I think his father has Aspergers too), but she isn't evil, just overly opinionated! I am so tired of being shut out of our relationship that divorce is still on my mind. When we have good times together, they are really good. But you can guarantee when it's going to be over - I can almost time it exactly! He throws a temper tantrum and a hissy fit, then sits in the corner and pouts like it's my fault! I have a hard time dealing with a 35 year old child! He's completely inappropriate when it comes to sex - grabbing my crotch when he comes home from work is not what I consider a classy "how was your day dear?" The only thing he has any visible reaction to is sex - other than that I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling because his face is so monotone. Our relationship was great when we were doing the long distance thing - now that we are married and living together it's a depressing hell for me most of the time. <br />
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I have tried to get him to get help because even if it isn't Aspergers, there is still something very wrong psychologically. He doesn't seem interested or even motivated to try to make any changes and I am so tired of blowing sunshine up his *** constantly to make him feel better! We barely have a sex life mostly due to the fact that I don't get any support from him - he barely talks to me after work (I can actually count how many words he spoke to me yesterday), he hasn't shown any interest in my life in general in weeks and for me to be interested sexually, I need to be stimulated mentally. He knows this; I tell him, but I just get the pouting in the end and am constantly made to feel guilty.<br />
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How to I get him to see me too?

There is a "My Spouse or Partner Has Asperger's" group (just search under 'Asperger's' and you should find your way there easily enough). Of course, it may as well be called "My Husband/Boyfriend Has Asperger's" because the aspie partners in the relationships are overwhelmingly male as they seem to be in the world at large. You might want to give them a browse.<br />
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In my case, I *am* the aspie partner. Like your husband, I experience anxiety that is difficult to at times to distinguish whether it is the Asperger's or related to past trauma. I wish I could tell you 'the answers', but I'm afraid I don't have them either.

Freeandclear, from what I can sumise, the mother is a psycho path. But you are right, in that aspies and psycho paths share a lot of the same traits, since they are either oblivious to their surroundings or uncaring. <br />
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In his mothers case, she enjoyed hurting people and was proud of herself for it. in my husbands case, I know for a fact that he doesnt enjoy hurting people, but it was an issue of lack of social experience, and not being aware. <br />
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Both mother and son were severely isolated, (until son escaped), and isolation is a known major factor for serious cognitive decline.