Divorce UpdateHere is what I wrote on Welcome to OZ a website for people married to Borderline Personalities
I am hoping to get the divorce from my BP spouse rolling into high gear this week. I got some good advice from this site and then found another site where I met some people and did some writing about my experiences. By the time I started meeting people on the other site I had already decided to divorce. I was just trying to work on an exit plan.
One of the threads on the other site was for people who lived in sexless marriages. A post there drew my attention and really hit home for me how bad my marriage really was. The post was about the type of person who withheld affection and sex from their spouse. It was very direct and very correct as far as I was concerned. The stories I read on this site were horrific and made me see how much I had minimized this issue in my life. So I developed an online relationship with a woman who lived far away from me. My wife found my cell phone unattended and she saw an out of state phone number. She asked me about it and I told her it was a woman from an internet site I was on and that I was planning to divorce her and was putting my plans together to leave. She got mad of course but accepted it.
I left her to live at my mother's house and started looking at online dating sites. I know my christian friends who did not like my online relationship with my first friend will really take issue with the date sites but it is what it is. I am 53 and at the time had no idea how long it would take to find someone and considered the seperation time a good time to date because after the divorce I would be a single dad with little time for dating.
Amazingly I have found a wonderful christian woman. Then my son started acting up to get rid of mom. There was no way he was going to be able to live with my mom so I could not find any alternative but to have him live with my soon to be ex until the divorce was final. So he acted up so much she had to move in with her sister hundreds of miles away to live until the divorce is final.
The first offer from her lawyer asked for 83 or 88 percent of my net income. Then I countered with an offer that gave up 29 percent of my net income. Her lawyer called the offer insulting and said my offer amounted to less than 10 percent of my gross income. This was nowhere near correct but don't confuse opposing counsel with the facts. What does gross income have to do with your ability to pay support? No matter what kind of money we settle for I will need my girlfriend to move in because I will need the extra income. Again I know what the bible says but it is reality. My girlfriend's lease is up on her apt and she needs to move. She is disabled but willing to work unlike my stbx. but cannot afford an apartment on her own at this time. So I broke the news to my son and plan to start moving her things in later next week and once a settlement is agreed to in my divorce will put my wife's belonging into storage for her to pick up when she is ready.
I am glad to be free of my wife but wish to get the legal proceedings over with as soon as possible. As for living with a woman while I am still married it is better than continuing in an abusive relationship. At the other site I met two women who were psychiatric nurses and they knew about borderlines. They know what I am dealing with as well or better than anyone on this site. It was good to get some further confirmation. In hindsight while I feel bad for my wife and still feel a little guilt about leaving her my major regret is that I didn't leave her sooner. There were so many things that showed both the type of problems and the type of character flaws she had. I should have left her a long time ago.
Now I am just trying to get the best settlement I can get and start over with the wonderful woman I have now. I was up front about my situation from the start of my relationship and told her the good, bad and the ugly about myself. It is such a change from having to evade the truth or lie outright because the other person could either not accept the truth or could not allow any opinion other than hers to prevail. I continue to be very honest with my future wife and she is with me as well.
I know many here will criticize me for living with another woman before we are married or finding a woman before I am divorced. I will have to live with it I guess. My mom doesn't think my new love will be able to find a decent job and I could do better. My older son who lives in another state is mad at me and thinks I am ignoring my younger son. The truth is I tried for years to get help for my wife and both my and our situation but there wasn't any at least not from the church or anywhere else for that matter, as long as my wife wasn't willing to face up to her problems. Very few people in the church even understood my situation even after I tried to explain it to them in detail. A few did and that helped a great deal but overall there was no real help from the church. They just weren't equipped to deal with it. So after years of playing the good soldier and getting the same results as banging my head against the wall I am cutting a few corners in order to survive.