The Long Weekend

I had a talk with my husband....I had to. After sharing myself with another man I'm realizing how very much ive missed out on. All these years ive stayed because of the kids. Ive given up some of the best years of my life for him...while he has taken so much of me.

On Sunday my husband said I was different. And I am.I took that statement as an opportunity to talk. We sat down and I very calmly explained how unhappy ive been. How all these years of him ignoring me have been emotional torture. I explained that its not fair for him to expect me to live like this.

I don't think he expected the calm. That scared him. In the past I would scream or cry or both. But the calm resolve?

My husband doesn't hit me. He makes sure I am well provided for. He doesn't complain about how much money I spend. Hes good in that way.

But he doesn't feed my soul. He doesn't nurture the woman underneath the suit. I am often physically lonely and emotionally yearning for a. connection. It is these things he cannot provide me. And I feel horrible about being so needy and unfulfilled. Why I cant I be satisfied with the stability he brings yo me and my family?

Is it because I'm expecting something so unrealistic it only exists in books and in movies? Or is it truly out there. Somewhere? And I may be lucky enough to find it?

And then I think of B. He also has a family. I am hurting them. I am ultimately hurting him in that process. Hes also a great guy. One if the best ive ever known. To enter into this affair is so not him. But its an attraction nether of us can deny. Built over a two year span. Coworkers who became friends who eventually became lovers...and what is next?

My husband knew I had a plan to leave him in 4 years. Our son will be graduated from high school then. I have often talked of moving away...for my relocate and start a new life. Although I didn't say it...we both knew I would leave alone. When we talked yesterday he asked me if I still intended on leaving. I wad honest. Yes. And when he asked if I saw him in that future I was honest. No.

And then he cried. He cried and he apologized. He said he knew how badly he'd hurt me over the years but he didn't know how to stop it or why he did it. He said he didn't blame me for wanting to leave him. And then he asked me if there was someone else. This time I lied. No.

And I hated the lie. I hated that I couldn't be honest and tell him. But I knew it would destroy his damaged ego and thats not the goal. The goal for me is to find my happiness. I know I'm doing it at the expense of two spouses and families. And I hate a part of me for that too.

But I know he would figure it out. He would confront B. No one would win. We would all lose.

He wanted me to think about a future with him. He said he'll try to be more attentive. And, when he said that I thought about how I wished he'd said that and meant it years ago. But now, in this present, its too late.

I would hope its not because of B but because I realize I deserve more than ive received. But who knows if that's the truth? At this point I feel as if I have to decide what I will regret more. Continuing in a marriage that doesn't fulfill me or leaving and hurting do many people do I can selfishly pursue my own happiness. my heart I feel if I stay I will regret that more....I do....and that makes me a terrible person.

carpediem2 carpediem2
36-40, F
8 Responses Aug 6, 2012

I really appreciate the raw honesty of your stories. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It helps others to know that they are not alone.

It is very hard facing the decision to stay or go.. Do you feel sorry for the spouse and relent, or give in to your heart..and be with the one you love..But I want you to do something different .I want you to pose this question to yourself. Pretend the new guy did not exist. If he was not there, would you honestly still, be wanting to take the risk of staying?
Could you honestly trust your spouse, that he will be the love you expect and desire to have in your life? You don't need to share that response here.You keep your thoughts to yourself for awhile. You go over them, and find out what you honestly want and need in your life. No one knows your feelings for your spouse but you. Your the one that has been there. Your the one that has dealt with the tears,the lonliness and the hurt, all of these years. You have begged and pleaded for a long time for your spouse to live differently with you. But, it wasn't until your spouse finally realized....she is going...she means it this time...that he is finally willing to cooperate. You need to think about all of that, and how that fits into your trust about what is really in his heart. Where was his heart all the other times? Where were his tears all the other times..You had tears! Did he stop and say ...Oh mny god, don't cry..we will fix this? I promise we will fix this?
Was he there for you? if not?....... WHY NOW????

an afterthought,,,, its said that good sex is the glue that keeps a good relationship togather !! very true,,

After so many years without an active and loving sex life I may have to agree with this

couldnt have replied better,,thats the way it is for me,, and another note,,,besides the "no sex" that has killed so much no sex fun and companionship ,going places doing fun things,, just not there,, like a wet blanket, no smiles,,

JP gives good solid advice. Once a marriage is broken all the kings horses and all the kings men, can't put it back together again. People grow apart, mature and move forward, sometimes you can do it with a spouse happily, and sometimes not. It doesn't make you a bad person, just someone that wants to be happy. <br />
Good luck to you.

Thank you

ya sooo many of us in the same boat !!!

Its so sad....isn't it? I never imagined my life would turn out like this.....but I have an opportunity to change it....

"....And I feel horrible about being so needy and unfulfilled. Why I cant I be satisfied with the stability he brings to me and my family?..."<br />
<br />
It's hard. I'm coming to grips with, and wrote about, exactly this same thing....but you know what? I see your heartbreak, and think you SHOULD get more. So it helps me, because if I want it for you, I should want it for myself, right?!<br />
<br />
So, don't feel guilty for needing something he can't provide, because all the material goods in the world don't equal true loving.

Im going to read your story too. Thanks so much!

hey you are allowed to work this out without beating yourself up... I don't if you are a terrible person or not because I don't know enough about you from what little you've written... but you are allowed to have needs and to find ways to meet them... work through what is going on then leave if that's the thing you want to do... right now you are in a super emotional place (judging from your stories) so don't make big life decisions just yet... they can wait until you are clearer... do you think your husband is able to change? does he want to? how long could you give him? does he understand what you need (does he get it or is it off his radar)... also the feelings of your lover and his family are not only due to you (not that you could cause them but you do affect them) they have their own stuff to be responsible for... so take a deep breath and allow yourself to enjoy your needs being met and allow yourself to find a way forward that that continues...

Excellent advice...thanks so much....

You are not a terrible person. <br />
<br />
You ARE a confused person. You ARE a person full of resentment and fear. <br />
<br />
You're doing the right thing by not telling him. Your logic is sound...the only person that benefits from the truth is you. It'll just hurt him and your son. It'll confuse the overall topic of divorce, too.<br />
<br />
Oh, which by the way, should leave him. If you're willing to cheat on should leave him. The marriage is on its've both seen to that, each in your own way.<br />
<br />
Refusers use the argument of selfishness ad nauseum. Never mind that they have been selfishly withholding themselves from their spouses for lord knows how many's a crap argument, don't buy it. <br />
<br />
Wanting to be happy is not selfish. Wanting a fulfilling relationship is far from self-centered.<br />
<br />
You deserve to be happy. It's time for you to move on.<br />
<br />
Good luck!

Reading this, it's so helpful. Let's me realize that if I want it for her, I NEED it for myself! Glad you led me here!

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason :)

You're so right. When I crossed the line and became intimate with another man my commitment to my marriage ceased to exist. I made my choice.....this is all so overwhelming still....I wish I had a good crystal ball!