The Long WeekendI had a talk with my husband....I had to. After sharing myself with another man I'm realizing how very much ive missed out on. All these years ive stayed because of the kids. Ive given up some of the best years of my life for him...while he has taken so much of me.
On Sunday my husband said I was different. And I am.I took that statement as an opportunity to talk. We sat down and I very calmly explained how unhappy ive been. How all these years of him ignoring me have been emotional torture. I explained that its not fair for him to expect me to live like this.
I don't think he expected the calm. That scared him. In the past I would scream or cry or both. But the calm resolve?
My husband doesn't hit me. He makes sure I am well provided for. He doesn't complain about how much money I spend. Hes good in that way.
But he doesn't feed my soul. He doesn't nurture the woman underneath the suit. I am often physically lonely and emotionally yearning for a. connection. It is these things he cannot provide me. And I feel horrible about being so needy and unfulfilled. Why I cant I be satisfied with the stability he brings yo me and my family?
Is it because I'm expecting something so unrealistic it only exists in books and in movies? Or is it truly out there. Somewhere? And I may be lucky enough to find it?
And then I think of B. He also has a family. I am hurting them. I am ultimately hurting him in that process. Hes also a great guy. One if the best ive ever known. To enter into this affair is so not him. But its an attraction nether of us can deny. Built over a two year span. Coworkers who became friends who eventually became lovers...and what is next?
My husband knew I had a plan to leave him in 4 years. Our son will be graduated from high school then. I have often talked of moving away...for my job...to relocate and start a new life. Although I didn't say it...we both knew I would leave alone. When we talked yesterday he asked me if I still intended on leaving. I wad honest. Yes. And when he asked if I saw him in that future I was honest. No.
And then he cried. He cried and he apologized. He said he knew how badly he'd hurt me over the years but he didn't know how to stop it or why he did it. He said he didn't blame me for wanting to leave him. And then he asked me if there was someone else. This time I lied. No.
And I hated the lie. I hated that I couldn't be honest and tell him. But I knew it would destroy his damaged ego and thats not the goal. The goal for me is to find my happiness. I know I'm doing it at the expense of two spouses and families. And I hate a part of me for that too.
But I know he would figure it out. He would confront B. No one would win. We would all lose.
He wanted me to think about a future with him. He said he'll try to be more attentive. And, when he said that I thought about how I wished he'd said that and meant it years ago. But now, in this present, its too late.
I would hope its not because of B but because I realize I deserve more than ive received. But who knows if that's the truth? At this point I feel as if I have to decide what I will regret more. Continuing in a marriage that doesn't fulfill me or leaving and hurting do many people do I can selfishly pursue my own happiness. But...in my heart I feel if I stay I will regret that more....I do....and that makes me a terrible person.