An Eventful 5 Months

It was just 5 months ago when I crossed the line and broke my marriage vows. I was so lonely. Pathetic, I know. B was there. Our friendship progressed into something emotional and from there something physical. And I wrestled with the hurt I would cause everyone if I were to continue the affair - and the anguish I would feel inside if I ended it.

There are no winners in a situation like this. When your heart and soul yearn for something that is not truly available to you. When there are husbands and wives and kids to consider. If only I had met him years ago - but then I wouldn't be the person who cherishes who is. I wouldn't have appreciated the patience and kindness as much as I do now.

It is the path of life experiences that shape us. And my path has been bumpy but beautiful as well. I often day dream about what life would be like if I could clone myself. If one could stay in my marriage to satisfy my children, my mom....and other could live her life with passion and satisfy herself. In my marriage I lost myself. I lost my personal joy in the daily management of my family and my home. My feelings buried under years of frustration and loneliness.

When those feelings were awakened by B I literally lost by breath. And when I'm near him I struggle to breathe. To breathe in the life I feel as we talk - about everything and sometimes nothing at all. It is a quiet comfort. It is an easy relationship. He looks at me and he sees me. For years I waited for my husband to do the same.

I would cry and beg my husband to see me. Not just look at me but really see me. To understand how I was feeling. To look past the make-up and the clothes and see the me that's there. And B does that. He can guage my feelings...he knows when I want to say something but I'm struggling to come up with the first word. And when he asks me why I'm stunned into silence. I'm shocked that he can tell these things. But I'm deeply touched by his observations.

It's not fair. It's not fair to his family or to mine. My husband is not a bad man. He's a good man. He's a good provider. He's a good father. He has not been a good companion to me and he has not offered me the passionate romance I thought my marriage would be. But is that enough of a reason to leave?

He found out about B. He said I was different and asked why. It was shortly after I returned from my out of town business trip when B and I started the affair.

My husband was angry. More angry than I have ever imagined. He called B. They talked. He asked B to put his wife on the phone. Then the wounded spouses talked. It was a nightmare but it was also an awakening. I felt like the tether holding me to this life I've felt so heavy of my heart was starting to give. And the feeling of release was welcome.

Then the threats started. Talk about calling co-workers. Talk about telling the kids. Taking the kids Taking everything. It was a long, long weekend.
Lots of talking, arguing, tears. My husband finally said he understood why it happened and asked me to stop the affair to focus on our marriage. He apologized for neglecting our relationship. He told me he knew he was doing it but kept telling himself he could work on it tomorrow because he never thought I'd leave.

I explained that I have been dreaming of my exit plan for over 12 years. That I was waiting for our youngest son to graduate high school and then I was going to pack a bag and start my own life. He was stunned. I was shocked when he said he forgave me and he just wanted our life back. He told me he would go to counseling. He said he wasn't happy with the person he had become and understood my misery.

And he kept his promise. He went to counseling. He read some books. He started to talk to me and hold my hand. And even kiss me when he came home from work. He started to help me clean up after dinner.

He says he feels so much happier now. He says he never wants things to go back to the way they were. And now, it's so much harder. My husband is changing his life for me. But I still feel as if my heart doesn't belong here. I try. I try so hard.

My husband isn't a sexual being. Passion isn't a priority for him. Comfort and routine are. And for me it makes me feel like I'm drowning. To go to bed at night and lay beside one another is torture to me. I want to be kissed and held and made love to. But he sleeps. A quiet and restful slumber. And I lay wake and feel worse about myself each night. What is it that prevents him from loving me that way? What is it that prevents me from leaving?

It's the kids. It's my family. It's also my husband. I don't want them to feel like I do - that they're not enough. I know that now is not the right time to leave and live my life. But my exit plan is still in works. Will B be there when it's all said and done? Will we have a happily ever after?

I don't know. He has a wife and two children. I ask very little questions - yes, that means we're still in communication. I know his sadness about the situation. Just as my heart is hurting so is his. But both of us understand the consequences of leaving our spouses and destroying innocent lives. So we talk when we can but not often or nearly long enough.

When I don't see him I yearn for him. More than anything I miss talking to him regularly. I wish I could get into a car with him and drive away to our life. But that's unrealistic. Irresponsible? Yes, but we're still irresponsible for continuing to be in contact. We have tried several times to stop. We try.

It's wrong. I know as I type this I'm terrible for the hurt I know I will one day cause. I'm terrible that I cannot give my heart to my husband because I long for something more than stability. I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted and beautiful and loved. And I want to feel that same way about someone too.

My mom says I need to be happy my husband is such a good provider. And I think of how awful that sounds. What I hear is, "he doesn't have to fulfill your needs, he just needs to pay the bills". Like my feelings don't matter. I want my feelings to matter. I want to have someone come up behind me and kiss the side of my neck as I do the dishes - not because I ask but because he just wants to. I want to fall asleep exhausted by the passionate love making, and not the tears of frustration I cry alone into my pillow.

I know there are worse problems in life to have. The love I have for my husband is genuine. The passion and longing and love I feel for B are as well. You ask, "if you love your husband as you say you do then why continue talking to B"? Fair question. The answer is because after I've exerienced passion and tenderness on a level I've only dreamt of before I feel as if I'm cheating us all by settling for less. This life isn't enough for me anymore. I will put in my time raising my children. And then, pray they are old enough to understand and forgive me as I selfishly search for my own personal happiness.
carpediem2 carpediem2
36-40, F
3 Responses Jan 22, 2013

Shoreboy...thank you. Words of encouragement and wisdom. I wish you all the best in your journey. And I hope your laughter and smiles continue...

"The answer is because after I've exerienced passion and tenderness on a level I've only dreamt of before I feel as if I'm cheating us all by settling for less. This life isn't enough for me anymore. I will put in my time raising my children. And then, pray they are old enough to understand and forgive me as I selfishly search for my own personal happiness."

Read that last sentence again. There is no such thing as being 'selfish' to try and find happiness. No such thing. If you are as unhappy as you've said then you are being somewhat unfair to the people that love you in thinking that they won't understand and that they wouldn't do the exact same thing in your situation. You children want you to be happy. I'm undergoing that as I'm in the process now of divorce after just having separated. Yes my children wish their mother and I could have stayed as a happily married couple. Yes my children would rather see both Mommy and Daddy every day. Yes, my STBX's family is somewhat angry at me for leaving and yes my mother-in-law has said some spiteful things to me about 'not putting the children's needs first'. All of those are true, but the first time my boys said to me 'Daddy you smile and laugh a lot more now' cemented in my mind that when eveything is said and done my happiness makes those who truly love me glad for me. My family is ecstatc for me. They've been watching the last 5 years as I've become more and more miserable feeling unloved and 'trapped' with no chance of having a woman look at me like I'm truly special to her and showing me that affection that only two lovers can truly show. My advice even though I realize you have a financial challenge you are going to have to address is... leave. When everything else is done in your life and you are at the very end there are two things you will not list as 'regrets'. 1.) I should have spent more time working. 2.) I should have stayed unhappy for 'someone else's' benefit.

Shoreboy, I agree with you. My mom was physically battered, emotionally neglected, verbally abused, and mentally tortured by my dad. I remember seeing my mom crying more often than my baby brother. My mom rarely laughed, and when she did, it was golden. One time I remember wanting to keep doing something that made her burst into laughter, because the moment was like a sweetly warm ray of the sun piercing through the coldness and darkness of an abandoned cave. I always sided with her not because she was the underdog but because I understood what was done to her was outright unfair. I started noticing this unfair treatment before I went to kindergarten. Unfortunately she passed away the week I graduated from high school. She was hardworking, she had a day job, and her evening job was keeping up with us and making custom made clothes for her clients, she had leant tailoring. She invested into real estate and the stock market. She made more than my dad did.
Upto this day, I still insist that she would have rather split with my dad the moment they realized their chemistry was off because, when I talk with my siblings, we all got affected by the strife in the house, and especially that we were not able to change the moment. Sometimes we the kids privately felt guilty because we thought we contributed to the terrible strife-filled atmosphere, especially when she would get mad with one of us.
Today, every cell in my body resents my dad, who is still living.
Again, again and again, I wish my dad and mom split when I was young. Probably I would have had some precious memories with my mom, which she otherwise was not able to afford while she lived with my dad. Also, probably I would not have the humongous resentment for my dad because I would not have grown up seeing him treating my mom unfairly, selfishly and ruthless. I hope this sheds light to anyone who reads it.