When Darkness Falls

Having written the following over a three hour period, i now feel God's peace with me.
 this story that reflects in my life both the light and darkness within me.
All my life all i ever wanted was to do good and be good. I have always wanted to do well for people and i know i have. My life is one of darkness and light.. Darkness is all around me. This world is an evil place to me. I always try to see the best in other people.  I always give them the benefit of the doubt.   I always seem to go to far in my willingness to help others.  I grew up a people pleaser because as a child i was viciously raped and tortured by a man who was  a Satan worshipper and he made a point of it to punish me for my faith.  I went from knowing myself as God's beloved child who woke every day in the sunshine of his love to finding myself as a child in my heart locked up in a cold dark, empty cell chained naked and starving to a wall, left to die alone.  This is the image i have carried around inside of me my whole life long.  I now realize that all of my own self worth only came through what i could do for others. I grew up with no self worth, loathing and hating myself for being, condemning my existence as one set for destruction.  This is the image that has been forced upon me.  I am only alive to to myself when i am sharing my faith or expressing God's love to somebody.  The truth is that as God knows me i am alive because he lives in me and he is with me.  I repent of staking my worth and value based upon  the thoughts, approval  and actions of others.  I have inherent worth because i am and that i am, i i am because God loves me eternally. I  I want to be free. I want to be happy.  I want to love and be loved.  In my life i have been many things both good and bad.  I know the blackest of darkness, i know it intimately. I know it's hateful grin and it's lust for my blood.  I know it seeks to take my life and lurks in the shadows over me waiting for me to give up on the blessing that God has for me.  I should by all rights already be dead.  I have come several times within a heartbeat of death.  I have been suicidal since i was 8 years old. I find everyday that i have to fight for my life. Most of my life  i have had to dig very deep within myself to  find the strength just to get through one more day.  I have begged God at times to take me out of this world.  I hate this world the system of it.  The lust, greed, lies, anger, hatred and violence of it.  But God put a love inside of my heart to love others to care for others. He has assured me that my struggle, my pain, my sorrow, my heartbreak is not in vain and that he loves me and cares for me and that on the other side of the hell that is this world, God's love, beauty, grace and eternal life waits for me.   it is the hope of God's love within me that keeps me going.  I have known Heaven and Hell in this life.  I have stood before the light, love and glory of God himself and i have known all the sorrow, loss and torment of Hell.  I have been alone and lonely most of my life and the only friend i have ever had that has always stood by me no matter what is Jesus Christ.  I use to be very bitter, cynical, angry and aggressive.  It is God  and his love for me that has renewed me in , strength and the joy of his spirit. My strength is that i know in myself i am empty, barren and desolate, in my own power i am nothing and i can do nothing for myself or anyone else.  It is only God in me that enables me to be the man he has called me to be.    i am worth immeasurably more to God, precious and sacred,  than i can ever be to myself.   in God's love i live, i am treasured now and forever.  So i always seek to convey to the people in my life how greatly and dearly God loves them so that they might know how truly alive they can be in God's love for them.  I am gladly utterly broken before God  and in this way i am worthy to receive through him all the love and blessing he has for me.  So in my final words i want to say to you all no matter how dark it gets, God is with you in his love for you. As long as you have breath and your heart is beating, remember God loves you and you are a miracle in this world.  He loves you and that is why you are here to love him and be loved by him.  in your need for God you will find more blessing and fulfillment than all this world could give you in a million lifetimes.  Because what God gives you in his spirit is life eternal and that life is free and paid for by God's son.  Take it while you can, you are only a heartbeat away from Heaven or Hell.  God bless you all in Jesus's name.
loveunbound67 loveunbound67
41-45, M
Sep 18, 2012