I live in this little fantasy world where everything is perfect. My life, what I do, who I'm with, where I'm at..even me. I hate myself for it. I hate being that person who can't even begin to control it. It just makes me feel so wild and free like there isnt anything that could go wrong in the world. Like I'm happy but I'm also unhappy because I wake up and it's not real. Nothing is real. I go back to the same things.

I look at my room, there is a bed, a couch a tv and a bunch of useless crap everywhere. I go upstairs and people are fighting, people are screaming and yelling and somehow, I get caught into it. The only thing people usually talk to me about is the work I have to do around the house. A friend of mine and I go out every once in a blue moon because whenever we make an actual time and place she always squirms her way out of it until I get mad with her.

I don't have much of a life. I don't have a job, I don't really do anything except my lousy art which isn't really going anywhere..I have these unrealistic dreams of being an animator that seems too far out of reach. I have nothing at all. When I look at it raw, like that, I wonder why I'm still here. I don't care about being famous anymore. I don't care about being known to all of Canada. I just want someone to look at me and tell me that I'm worth it, that I don't have to lie or put a fake smile on my face or feel ugly all the time, I just want someone true.

I broke someone's heart because of this. I don't expect them to forgive me. I don't expect them to respect me, nothing. I don't at all. We all know I deserve that and yeah I do. I do deserve that. And you know what? I'll embrace it. Because it's a lesson learned.
deleted deleted
Jan 13, 2013