In 2004 i was arrested and imprisoned for 5yrs for breaking someone arm in a fight,since i was released in 2007 i have found it impossible to find work, no one wants to employ someone who has a criminal record especially when there is a recession. So i have been living off £50 a week benefits, out of that i have to buy £10 gas, £10 electric, £5 water rates, £5 toiletries and £15 for a two week bus pass, which leaves me with £5 to buy food. I have lost three stones in weight since January.
I also have a daughter from my past relationship, her mother lets me have her stay with me every two weeks for the weekend, how am i going to feed her too, i cannot refuse to see her as it is very important for both of us that we have a relationship, and i already miss her like mad. I have no one at all who could help mme finacially, any how who would just give me money for free, no one on this planet would do such a thing. I have no one who cares.
I have tried to find work but this is costly and i never even get an interview due to recently being released from prison. I cant even do voluntary work.
I have been single for over six years now, since 2007 i have never been able to buy any new clothes, go out, meet people, cinema etc etc, how am i to meet a partner if i cannot afford to even telephone her let alone go out on dates. Anyway my self esteem and confidence is non existent.
On occasions like xmas, birthdays mothers day and fathers day, i feel embarrassed i cannot buy anyone a small gift or a card, it is a time when i feel my lowest and i feel out of touch with society.
My daughter has broken up from school for six weeks, what am i to do with her, i take her to the park all the time as it is free, i have visited every park in london over and over agan, and when my daughter asks fo an ice cream i cannot buy her one, that makes me feel like a useless dad, i dont feel like a man, what is the piont of me living if i cannot even buy her a £1.50 ice cream, what am i to do at xmas and on her birthday, i dread those times.
Fortunately six weeks ago i was offered my own accomodation with the local council, wow, what a result, i have been waiting for over 12 yrs to be offered a flat, unfortunatly i will have to give it up, i have no furniture, no cooker, no freezer, i have nothing, i dont even own a tv due to not being able to afford the tv license, how am i to decorate and get things just to do the normal day to day chores like ironing, cooking, cleaning, i have asked the social for a grant, but they refused to give me a penny, they say i am not a high priority. Therfore the little thing that could have made a difference in my miserable life has to be given up.
I have tried so hard to find work, to provide for my daughter and live a normal life, i am not a bad person, i have a good heart and a lot of common sense, i have had enough living like this, nothing will get any better, (unless i win the lottery) i am an ex convict , that stigmata will stay with me for the rest of my life, how do i get out of it, i cant, the government wont let me, so after a long long think about it, i have no choice but to end my life, i really feel sorry for my 5yr old daughter, what use am i to her, what could i give her in life apart from love, NOTHING... love wont pay the bills , take her on holiday, buy her gifts or secure her future. LOVE is not the most powerful force on earth, it is MONEY....and i dont and wont have any to be part of it, so goodbye every one, i feel so at peace now, so happy, no more suffering, no more sadness, no more lonlyness... I HOPE GOD and my daughter WILL FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE.