A Small Part of My Miserable Life !!

In 2004 i was arrested and imprisoned for 5yrs for breaking someone arm in a fight,since i was released in 2007 i have found it impossible to find work, no one wants to employ someone who has a criminal record especially when there is a recession. So i have been living off £50 a week benefits, out of that i have to buy £10 gas, £10 electric, £5 water rates, £5 toiletries and £15 for a two week bus pass, which leaves me with £5 to buy food. I have lost three stones in weight since January.

I also have a daughter from my past relationship, her mother lets me have her stay with me every two weeks for the weekend, how am i going to feed her too, i cannot refuse to see her as it is very important for both of us that we have a relationship, and i already miss her like mad. I have no one at all who could help mme finacially, any how who would just give me money for free, no one on this planet would do such a thing. I have no one who cares.

I have tried to find work but this is costly and i never even get an interview due to recently being released from prison. I cant even do voluntary work.

I have been single for over six years now, since 2007 i have never been able to buy any new clothes, go out, meet people, cinema etc etc, how am i to meet a partner if i cannot afford to even telephone her let alone go out on dates. Anyway my self esteem and confidence is non existent.

On occasions like xmas, birthdays mothers day and fathers day, i feel embarrassed i cannot buy anyone a small gift or a card, it is a time when i feel my lowest and i feel out of touch with society.

My daughter has broken up from school for six weeks, what am i to do with her, i take her to the park all the time as it is free, i have visited every park in london over and over agan, and when my daughter asks fo an ice cream i cannot buy her one, that makes me feel like a useless dad, i dont feel like a man, what is the piont of me living if i cannot even buy her a £1.50 ice cream, what am i to do at xmas and on her birthday, i dread those times.

Fortunately six weeks ago i was offered my own accomodation with the local council, wow, what a result, i have been waiting for over 12 yrs to be offered a flat, unfortunatly i will have to give it up, i have no furniture, no cooker, no freezer, i have nothing, i dont even own a tv due to not being able to afford the tv license, how am i to decorate and get things just to do the normal day to day chores like ironing, cooking, cleaning, i have asked the social for a grant, but they refused to give me a penny, they say i am not a high priority. Therfore the little thing that could have made a difference in my miserable life has to be given up.

I have tried so hard to find work, to provide for my daughter and live a normal life, i am not a bad person, i have a good heart and a lot of common sense, i have had enough living like this, nothing will get any better, (unless i win the lottery) i am an ex convict , that stigmata will stay with me for the rest of my life, how do i get out of it, i cant, the government wont let me, so after a long long think about it, i have no choice but to end my life, i really feel sorry for my 5yr old daughter, what use am i to her, what could i give her in life apart from love, NOTHING... love wont pay the bills , take her on holiday, buy her gifts or secure her future. LOVE is not the most powerful force on earth, it is MONEY....and i dont and wont have any to be part of it, so goodbye every one, i feel so at peace now, so happy, no more suffering, no more sadness, no more lonlyness... I HOPE GOD and my daughter WILL FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE.


xXLEE182Xx xXLEE182Xx
5 Responses Jul 22, 2009

Hey there, I just read your story. I'm a college student researching poverty and writing a sc<x>ript. I was wondering, if you don't mind answering my question, if there was any violence in your past. Perhaps growing up? Just a vague question but I would love to know. You write very well, and I hope you're doing well. Really.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. But I am begging you not to take your life, just hang in there no matter how appealing the idea of 'not existing' is. It might seem impossible now, but believe, keep believing... there is a God in heaven who cares for us all. He sees you suffer, He KNOWS you exist and He can see that you want to be a good dad. Cry to Him and He will answer you. If you doubt me try it. Pray and wait for Him. He is faithful.

XLEE,<br />
I can feel your frustration and despair. As the other posters have said, though, suicide is not the answer. You say "I cannot refuse to see her as it is very important for both of us that we have a relationship." If you kill yourself, that relationship is over.<br />
Here in Texas we have something called Project RIO, which stands for Reintegration of Offenders. They keep a database of employers willing to offer ex convicts a second chance. Surely someplace as Progressive as London has something similar. If I were you, I would ask my probation/parole officer about it.<br />
Another possibility is to start your own business.<br />
Good luck to you!

When i was around 13 my best friends dad took his life. He was in a simmlar situation to you.<br />
Afterwards i remember the look on her face i could feel the sadness around her. I knew she needed him as she didnt have a very supportive family. I tried to look after her give her some support but she turned into a mess she starded cutting herself and things got worse im sorry to say i dont know where she is now or what happened to her.<br />
I beg of you not only for your daughter but for you also not to take your life something so beautiful should not be wasted. You dont have to listen to me becasue you know yourself what is right. I remember my friend well and i know if she had had a father even for someone to talk to when times got rough she wouldnt have turned out the way she did and a fathers love greater than any material possesion known to man

Love is the most important thing in any relationship. PLEASE don;t do this to your daughter...it will haunt her forever. Hang in there...if not for yourself...for you beautiful daughter. Good luck to you.