Mental Breakdown

i dont think anyone will get anything out of this its
not going to be a story more of just me spazing
out about my life

i honestly think its counter productive for anyone
to even waist there time with this for the chance
my view may infect others

i am 23 and male i live in Vancouver BC Canada

i have two different people living inside me im not
going to say i hear voices in my head other then
that of my own but the diffence is sertant.
all day when im around other people life is great
i have it good i go to school as a 3d artist and
i love it i have freinds and family who love me and
i love them but the second that im left alone for
more then 5 min i drift into deep depression
i have never told anyone this from what everyone
nose im the happyest person and when im with
others i am but in my head on my own life becomes
pointless i think of all the great things that happend
in the day but it dosnt help the more good things
that i think of the more i relize i am no longer
in that state of mind

how can i tell somone how my life truly is.
i have thought of telling my mother on the grounds
that she will love me nomatter what but i could never
put my pain onto her. even just trying to type this has
started to make me break down. no matter how many
times ive walked threw in my mind how to tell somone
about this the drastic contrast between day to day me
and what gose on inside my mind i could never tell anyone
i no for they would never see me as the same person again.
i would break down the second i confined in them and
would be unable to control my emotions

some times i think of going out and finding some random
person asking them if they will just lison.
they wont have to say anything i just need to tell somone face to face.
i cant keep this inside my hole life.
telling people on these web pages dosnt get me anywere it just sinks me deeper

the depresion gets so bad i start to think of very negative things.
i would never kill myself. but some times...
i just wish i would get hit by a car and everything would end
i think id rather just die and have everyone think i was just
some happy go lucky dude rather then have
the 2nd me expozed. i have become this mindless yes man

i havent had a girlfreind in 3 years
sure ive bin bizzy but it almost seems like i couldnt have one again.
i am broken and unable to express my true emotions

i sleep less and less and think more and more
when i do sleep i toss and turn i have dreams every night
but can never remeber them fear sickens my dreams

as i sit here i can see my hand ageing infront of me but i
feal disconected i am watching myself watch myself
i have become part of the background

i am very blessed in life i think about how somone els would live my life
how some person who has nothing would love to be in my house
with my crap and my stupid problems

what happens when you stop beleaving in yourself
i used to make plans for the future but as time gose on
nothing comes to mind even my only joy (art) is slowly loosing its wonder
i keep geting better and learning more and working harder and faster
but i will look at my work and it dosnt even look like i have made it
at one point i was healthy, i played sports i partyed i had a normal life i ate normal meals
nothing holds my interest anymore i cant even play video games anymore
i live of water and eat very little some days i will forget to eat all together

now i no what your thinking "eat more get out more get a new girl grow some balls and quit fealing sorry for yourself"
yea i tell myself that all the time
some days i will bull Sh#t myself and say im going to go out and talk to the 1st girl i see
at one point in my life things were that ez

i no that i need help. thats a start right?
but i dont think i will ever be able to get it

i am turning into nothing it takes more and more effort to clear my head with each passing day
i am burning out i was ment for somthing els.

NaturalSpringWater NaturalSpringWater
22-25, M
3 Responses Nov 30, 2010

Wow my dear - you sound depressed and plain old fashioned anti-depressants will help you. It's not that scary - talk to your family doctor - you are not alone. So many people take don't have to feel this way. I did for many year. My life is not perfect, but at least I can live it and feel a part of it again. And yes....I still live in my head - guess I won't change that!

I'm sorry. When did this start? It has been awhile since your posting, I hope you have reach out to someone because as a mom, I would much rather have a son alive working on issues, than one who is a glorifed memory.

i feel the same way