A Survival Mechanism And An Emotional Handicap

At a young age, I learned to live inside my head. My own emotions and thoughts had to be kept within. To survive my environment, I learned to read others to know how to think and feel. Then I would act according to those readings.

I learned to hide my emotions well. Though, when I did so, I tucked them away and didn’t deal with them. When they would finely surface, I wouldn’t know why I was angry or crying, it would just come out of me and I was unable to stop it from flowing.

When I was about 14 I discovered poetry and that became my outlet. When those emotions hit me, I would write a poem. Through my writing, the reasoning’s of those emotions would be revealed to me. It was only a way for me to understand why, so that I could deal with them better. I rarely kept anything I wrote. Instead I would tear it up beyond recognition so that I couldn’t be exposed.

In my later teen years, I discovered journaling. Instead of throwing it away, I hid the notebook well. I found that I liked looking back to see how I evolved. Of course, not throwing away each time I wrote turned out to be a mistake. When I was 18 my mother found one of my notebooks. It happened to be during one of her manic times and I suffered a 4 hour lecture, her attempting to set me straight on how I should feel and think. Soon after that, I moved in with who eventually become my husband. I guess I could say he saved me from a bad home life.

My husband was very understanding, yet my inability to communicate in words affectively would drive him crazy. A lot of times, I would write them on paper and he’d read them. As time passed, I learned to communicate my emotions affectively with spoken words, but I’ve always had to step away and think first.

I still cannot just talk about things right away. I have to step away and figure out why I feel a certain way. As you can imagine, this can be misunderstood by a lot of people. It often looks like avoidance, but in reality I just don’t really know. I have to step away to find the answer. So, this survival mechanism of turning off my emotions and living inside my own head is also a handicap for me.

This is why this site has become so addictive for me. It’s much easier for me to express my thoughts and emotions in written form, rather than spoken. It’s also nice being able to express it and have others read it so that I’m not dealing with aspects totally alone.

Many of you may get angry when you read this, but another aspect that makes this site so appealing is that I can expose all of myself through my writing, then when I want to throw it away like I did with my earlier poetry, I can just delete my account. Those in my circle may know my face from my pictures, but even that would fade with enough time.

Many of you have expressed how open I seem to be, but the reality is that if you met me in person, you would not feel that way. Most people have described me as someone that is very difficult to read. It’s even kept me from developing a lot of close intimate friendships in life.

So, I was going to take a break from this site, but I need a writing outlet. Though, you will not see me on here nearly as much. Staying on here all the time is just as bad as living in my own head too much. Like most things when it is done in excess, it is unhealthy.

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6 Responses Jul 5, 2012

I do the same exact thing. <br />
My household growing up was dysfunctional as hell. I didn't have many people I felt comfortable talking to or confiding in, so I would often keep things to myself and write in a journal. That changed when I found out my mom had been snooping through my room, found it and read it. She would also take things I would say and turn them around and throw them in my face.<br />
So growing up, I mainly stayed in my room, stayed to myself and thought about things. I have a very hard time maintaining close friendships because it's never been easy for me to really open up and confide in others.<br />
I had friends, but I was never one to really talk about myself.<br />
People tend to think I am anti-social and shy, which I'm not sure how I feel about, but I get drained being around too many people.<br />
<br />
Anyways, I agree with what you said about how you are different here than in real life.<br />
I am not very outgoing, and although I carry many of my traits from real life to here and vice versa, the difference is that not many people IRL get to see them because I am relatively reserved.<br />
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I do not think anything is wrong with people being in their heads if it's how they deal with things and it makes them feel better. More people would probably benefit from thinking before speaking.

I feel people out before I go jumping into a conversation and interacting with them. Plus, I would like to formulate an opinion on the topic, if I even have one.

Who lied to u & said u are difficult to read?So u think?Usually all sagittarius's dellued themselves into believeing that. Truth to the matter is everyone but them know this. We have a sister who is awfully quiet. Fun part is she believes nobody knws the real her too. Sag's fail miserably trying to hide there personality. But it all intails. They are camillions,they choose to camiflouge themselves into existance for the fear of pepl seeing clearly of their true,real motives. Factor no matter how hard they try to look good in the public eye,We've began to see tht they are the most talked bout by those around them.(negatively) They hardley ever have any close friendships,due to sneakyness,lies,quirks,irresponsiblities,loosness,carelessness,jealousy. Air headedness mostly lol (head being inflated by self,is what one of my nephews jokes about is why)he even tells our sis.this? They become socially akward not because of wht they had to endure growng up etc. Once again I have a cousin same zodiac,same ways as well.

yah life is not a easy journey to go they are some rough path in it but you know what don't be scared to face just face it and you will get past it

See i think this is very normal. I live in my mind sometimes but I just assumed everyone does. Are we weird?

:) I just consider myself a little left of normal.

Inside my head is one of the best places I know. Quiet and relaxing and full of dreams that no one can take away.

I think it is a beautiful and very positive thing that you have so much self awareness. I also think using the writing as an outlet is AWESOME! I almost never look to see the deepest side of people in here or even a lot of times in real time. Experience has taught me it takes a longgg time of very close contact and a lot of effort to get to the core of most folks and trust has to build before it can happen and that takes a ton of time too. Instead,,,,,I try to relate to the person in the moment and accept that moment as a part of them....Enough moments over a long enough period of time slowly builds a picture of who they might be.....Accepting that person, in that moment as a kind of human gift makes it special.... :)

The good thing is, at least you realize this......At the end of the day that what matters most.