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25 To Life

My story is quite a long one, so I wouldn't blame you for pressing the back button now. Like all of you I too am trapped inside my head. I wasn't always like this, I used to be as awesome as a person as I thought I could be. My ruminations take me back to elementary school were I was picked on because of my ADHD. I couldn't settle down in class and always got in trouble so I was known as the spaz. That time was short lived as I changed schools during 4th grade. Things got better and soon high school arrived in my life, I was in sports all year round and was pretty good at what I did. Everyone in the school knew me (graduating class of around 70 people mind you) even if I didn't know them. I was finally a popular person after the pains of grade school. My life started unraveling when I broke up with this girl. We had been dating for a long time and decided enough was enough. I wasn't the best boyfriend to her after a while and things just started falling out. At first we were both fine with it, but something inside me wanted her back, badly. When I told her about my feelings she told me she was done and didn't want a relationship with me at all. I was hurt, but still determined. I began focusing all my attention on trying to get this girl back, I tried writing poetry, letters, anything at my disposal, but to no avail. Things only got worse from there when my best friend whom I trusted with everything asked me if he could pursue my love. I was very upset and pretty much renounced him as a friend. I began being a bummer to be around and friend and friend started dropping out of my life. All this was happening the Spring of my senior year, yes, graduation. A milestone in my life was being down poured on by a dense cloud of regret and remorse for my broken heart. The big day finally came and everyone was smiling during the ceremony, except me.

Months went by and my heart was still severely wounded and yearning for my loss. I tried something new and decided to start skateboarding with a long time friend of mine. Things were going well and seemed to start looking up. Just when I thought I was getting over the warm feelings of my past relationship I was involved in a accident. A truck I was riding in the back of went into the ditch and flung me out of the bed. Somehow I still had my cell phone in my hands and during the ambulance ride I spilled my guts in a message to my ex. After I recovered I tried getting my old job back to learn they didn't need my help. I was actually glad about this because I hated the job and didn't care for the personalities of the people working there.

The month was now September and the date the 4th, my birthday. I received a total of four birthday wishes, including ones from Facebook. I had no job and I could count the amount of friends I had on one hand... On top of that my heart still ached. Later that month I found my second job and thought maybe things would change. Change never came I began turning my focus inward. I became an observer of things rather than a participant. During work I was completely in my mind thinking and ruminating about the past and worrying about the future. I started talking less and less. Most days I never got past the "how are you doing?" part of a conversation. I began replying with laughs or simple replies that were said so often they became stale. I started to develop and avoidant personality, which was impressive considering I worked in a major supermarket. I started avoiding family members who used to know who I was. Old friends stopped recognizing me as I lost much muscle mass and weight from stress and loss of appetite. I walked around with gray around my eyes and an expressionless, emotionless face for the 6 months I was there and every day I mentally abused myself for not talking to anyone and being so awkward.

I finally reached my end the next summer when I was in personal denial of a nervous breakdown. I didn't show up for work the next week and never bothered to call after that, to them I pretty much died. Which wouldn't be far from the truth. The following months were spent with the only thing that couldn't break my heart, video games. Days would turn into weeks of just sitting inside the house, my phone never got texts from people wanting to hang out. My few friends at the time tried helping me by taking me to partied, but those were always a failure as I just stood in the room thumping with music just observing and inside my head. The situation would then make me feel so awkward I waited in the car until it was over, even if the temperature outside was only 20 F. More months went by and still no sign of an end to my perpetuating sorrow. At least by this time I'm over whatshername, but that was the least of my worries. My life was still in a pile on the floor broken into a million pieces.

A month ago a friend who stuck with me through my glory days to now asked if I wanted to hang out with him and my old best friend. I was long over the reason I stopped talking to him so I decided to hang out with them. Things went well and I felt a little bit of me coming back. The next part seemed to be life presenting me with a possible "do over." (or it could just be me and my over analyzing) One night he was throwing a small party at his house and wanted me to come. Before everyone started arriving he told me he had to tell me something. He was dating my ex. In my head I was fine and told him it was okay and I'm over it, but on the inside I was surprised and didn't quite know how to react. After making amends to the friendship he was talking about this girl who shared interest in video games, very hard to come by around here. I haven't met the girl or really talked to her but something inside me wants her. I keep telling myself these feelings are irrational and just going to bring disappointment if things don't work out, but my heart isn't listening. The only problem is, while I'm trying to be who I used to be, the person who I am now is getting in the way.
Nightmare0 Nightmare0 18-21, M Mar 24, 2013

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