How Did This Happen?
Hopefully I won't be the only contributor for the title of this group. I am hoping by sharing my experience that more people will respond and perhaps we can give ourselves some hope and strength, and just maybe a few answers on how to deal with the situations we face.
I met my husband 7 years ago. When I met my husband I lived in a major city, had my own apartment and a (reasonably) good job. I was extremely independent and confident. My husband (then boyfriend) was strong and confident and spoke straight forward. Some of you might know the type if I said, you know- the man that takes you out to dinner to HIS favourite restaurant and orders for you HIS favourite meal.. I'm sure at first it's very charming- I knew it was for me when he began to take control of certain situations. I spent years dating people who I thought were 'yes men'. I wanted someone who would give me a bit of a fight- some spirit-someone who knew himself and what he wanted, and when I saw these atributes in my then boyfriend I fell in love- here would be someone who would care for and about me-someone who would watch out and make sure I was safe.Though long before I married there were signs that I should have seen but chose to ignore because he CARED for me. Once coming home from the pub he accused me of flirting with his friend, another time he threw my cigarettes away because (in his words) "they would kill me" Little things, really- but I had friends and family that tried to tell me what they saw- I didn't see it though and when he proposed- I accepted readily. I married and moved thousands of miles from my home. I struggled to fit in to a new community- I took jobs that in the past would be beneath me but now had no choice because nothing in my field was available locally. Then I had a breakdown on a job. I was rushed to hospital and there I babbled on about my life, when I was given a shot and put on anti-anxiety drugs and sent home. It was then my husband began to tell me I didn't need the drugs that anyone who needs them is weak, Lucky though for me I had a wonderful GP who took plenty of time to work with me and suggested prozac and therapy. I started both treatments and things began to turn around. I didn't ask permission to buy myself something. Don't get me wrong- I'm not a wild and compulsive shopper-my biggest joys are thrift store finds and once in awhile fresh flowers from the grocer's. I began to make friends and make time to go out with them if only to the shops on a Saturday morning- or an afternoon coffee somewhere. Shortly though after this turnaround, my husband wanted to move again. After thousands of dollars and miles to move once he wanted to move again. I didn't want to move again but it was inevitable-and so we moved-I lost my GP, my medication, and my therapist in the process. We moved in with some friends of my family and in less than three months we were asked to leave and I have not spoken to them since. There they had seen my husband's behaviour and needless to say there was a huge blowout with me in the middle. We moved to a very samll apartment complex. Husband has racked up thousands in credit cards with a need for new technology and a car. He often buys on impulse. I have been extremely depressed- again I have a job that if I lived in a major city I wouldn't be doing-again there is nothing in my field locally. We have one car and since I don't drive I walk everywhere despite weather conditions.I think my husband finds this great because it makes my world much smaller and it is easier to keep tabs on me. In the past my husband never micromanaged our finances-now on a daily basis he checks our online banking. He opens all of the bills. He does not give me the chance or opportunity to open my own mail. I have asked to go through the finances but it never happens- (like driving lessons too) Any extra money I make at my job seems to go elsewhere and I need to ask for spending money if I need it. I have credit cards but if I use them without his knowledge there is always a fight, I recently spent money on some skincare products and I am anxious of my credit card statement arriving, though this past pay period I made extra in commissions. I have to watch what websites I visit and often have to do my internet on my days off when he is not at home. He pesters me for my password(s) with the idea that he needs them to run computer scans. ( I can do this on my own) I once started posting on a website our difficulties and he found out and went online and read everything I had written. He was furious and asked why I didn't speak with him about things. When I have tried to speak with him I'm met with rage and blame. So I've given up on trying. I don't keep a diary because again I'm afraid he will find it and read it. I now have to learn to clear my internet history whenever I've been online for he'll check history and see what websites I've been accessing. To the outside world he likes to appear that we have the most wonderful marriage- Honestly over these past few years I am resentful, bitter, angry and frightened. I'm afraid to be myself or express any opinion that might rock the boat. I went to another GP and he turns out to be my husband's GP! This GP has not listened to my needs at all-has given me an anti-depressant (that isn't working) and has waved off any follow up appointments that I can get to easily. I'm due to see him the same time he sees my husband-which should be interesting when I go to discuss my medication. I would like to go back to therapy but it is expensive and I somehow do not qualify for sliding scale because I make like a dollar over the limit! Also again, husband thinks its a waste of time. Well, my time is up for this week. I hope all of you who are in similar situations will write and share. I hate to think I'm alone in this..