How Did This Happen?

Hopefully I won't be the only contributor for the title of this group. I am hoping by sharing my experience that more people will respond and perhaps we can give ourselves some hope and strength, and just maybe a few answers on how to deal with the situations we face.

I met my husband 7 years ago. When I met my husband I lived in a major city, had my own apartment and a (reasonably) good job. I was extremely independent and confident. My husband (then boyfriend) was strong and confident and spoke straight forward. Some of you might know the type if I said, you know- the man that takes you out to dinner to HIS favourite restaurant and orders for you HIS favourite meal.. I'm sure at first it's very charming- I knew it was for me when he began to take control of certain situations. I spent years dating people who I thought were 'yes men'. I wanted someone who would give me a bit of a fight- some spirit-someone who knew himself and what he wanted, and when I saw these atributes in my then boyfriend I fell in love- here would be someone who would care for and about me-someone who would watch out and make sure I was safe.Though long before I married there were signs that I should have seen but chose to ignore because he CARED for me. Once coming home from the pub he accused me of flirting with his friend, another time he threw my cigarettes away because (in his words) "they would kill me" Little things, really- but I had friends and family that tried to tell me what they saw- I didn't see it though and when he proposed- I accepted readily. I married and moved thousands of miles from my home. I struggled to fit in to a new community- I took jobs that in the past would be beneath me but now had no choice because nothing in my field was available locally. Then I had a breakdown on a job. I was rushed to hospital and there I babbled on about my life, when I was given a shot and put on anti-anxiety drugs and sent home.  It was then my husband began to tell me I didn't need the drugs that anyone who needs them is weak, Lucky though for me I had a wonderful GP who took plenty of time to work with me and suggested prozac and therapy. I started both treatments and things began to turn around. I didn't ask permission to buy myself something. Don't get me wrong- I'm not a wild and compulsive shopper-my biggest joys are thrift store finds and once in awhile fresh flowers from the grocer's. I began to make friends and make time to go out with them if only to the shops on a Saturday morning- or an afternoon coffee somewhere. Shortly though after this turnaround, my husband wanted to move again. After thousands of dollars and miles to move once he wanted to move again. I didn't want to move again but it was inevitable-and so we moved-I lost my GP, my  medication, and my therapist in the process. We moved in with some friends of my family and in less than three months we were asked to leave and I have not spoken to them since. There they had seen my husband's behaviour and needless to say there was a huge blowout with me in the middle. We moved to a very samll apartment complex. Husband has racked up thousands in credit cards with a need for new technology and a car. He often buys on impulse. I have been extremely depressed- again I have a job that if I lived in a major city I wouldn't be doing-again there is nothing in my field locally. We have one car and since I don't drive I walk everywhere despite weather conditions.I think my husband finds this great because it makes my world much smaller and it is easier to keep tabs on me. In the past my husband never micromanaged our finances-now on a daily basis he checks our online banking. He opens all of the bills. He does not give me the chance or opportunity to open my own mail. I have asked to go through the finances but it never happens- (like driving lessons too) Any extra money I make at my job seems to go elsewhere and I need to ask for spending money if I need it.  I have credit cards but if I use them without his knowledge there is always a fight, I recently spent money on some skincare products and I am anxious of my credit card statement arriving, though this past pay period I made extra in commissions. I have to watch what websites I visit and often have to do my internet on my days off when he is not at home. He pesters me for my password(s) with the idea that he needs them to run computer scans. ( I can do this on my own) I once started posting on a website our difficulties and he found out and went online and read everything I had written. He was furious and asked why I didn't speak with him about things. When I have tried to speak with him I'm met with rage and blame. So I've given up on trying. I don't keep a diary because again I'm afraid he will find it and read it. I now have to learn to clear my internet history whenever I've been online for he'll check history and see what websites I've been accessing. To the outside world he likes to appear that we have the most wonderful marriage- Honestly over these past few years I am resentful, bitter, angry and frightened. I'm afraid to be myself or express any opinion that might rock the boat. I went to another GP and he turns out to be my husband's GP!  This GP has not listened to my needs at all-has given me an anti-depressant (that isn't working) and has waved off any follow up appointments that I can get to easily. I'm due to see him the same time he sees my husband-which should be interesting when I go to discuss my medication. I would like to go back to therapy but it is expensive and I somehow do not qualify for sliding scale because I make like a dollar over the limit! Also again, husband thinks its a waste of time. Well, my time is up for this week. I hope all of you who are in similar situations will write and share. I hate to think I'm alone in this..

Peace, Cassandra47

Cassandra47 Cassandra47
46-50, F
6 Responses May 9, 2008

It's very encouraging to read comments like this and easy to say I'll will do the same thing.....get out of it fast!. In my case it's not so easy because i have two children, 20 and 16 years old, who are calm, mature,sweet and just. They weigh the situation and find solution to the problem. This is not from me, it's from them telling me and their father. He's done something despicable, that instead of accepting the guilt and say sorry for what he did, he's proud and level-headed trying to convey the message that he's right and deserved every inch of it. Because of the sensitivity of the issue, I nor our children are not allowed to talk to anyone about it. It must not come out of the house, period. I can go gaga if I want to but he will be out of job and there goes the future of the children. He earns good and a good provider to us, a nice house, eat well, gadgets for the kids, no complain in that regard. I'm a human being,have feelings and he treats me like dirt that he had to control me of what I need to do. what to say, who to be with, I can't even watch TV without him critizing. Everytime I talk to my children he always interfers as if I'm a bad mother and portrayed himself as an excellent father. I'm being sandwiched by him and the kids. I can leave him just like that without looking back, but what about the future of the kids? It's only their father who got the earning ability to finance their schooling. You see, it's not easy

honey, trust me...u either get out now, or put your foot down and gain control. i've been thru the mill...and i tell u, it aint pretty. from being bashed, controlled and manipulated...i've seen em all, bin thru the agony, shame, hurt and embarrasment, but im now standing my ground. i'm in a relationship with a guy who's very controlling for 2 years now. everything started off sweet and rosy as usual...but 4 months down the line, hey presto...history repeats itself. he doesnt like me to talk to his male friends, doesnt like me in short clothes, doesnt like it when i leave my hair down etc... so i went along with it for a month. i couldnt take it no more, so i got up one morning and told him...this is it. it was a saturday. i got into my shorts and tee's and let my hair out. when we got into town, he started accusing me of dressing to impress other males. i told him...u either live with me as i am, or get the hell out. he yelled abuse at me and stormed off...but was back the following day in tears. i sat him down, spoke to him about his insecurities...and told him i wasnt going to change for his benefit and lose myself in the process. he fell in love with me as i am...and it was up to him to accept me as i am or not. we do love each other to bits...i tell him each day how much i love him...so that he feels secure. he is a changed person today....and sometimes i sit back and tell myself...if i had been stronger in my earlier years...i would have saved myself the years of torment i went through. its up to you to make the change. you have to be cruel to be kind. whether it means walking out or speaking your mind to your partner, u have got to do something soon cassandra. dont lose yourself to his insecurities. u r who u r, and no one...not even your partner has the right to rob you of that. i feel for you....and wish u all the best.

Damn your living in hell! Get out now...run away go stay with family or something! He is the one with issues trust me....once you get away from him that will be the only therapy you will ever need! Sure the drugs help but what you really need is to get away from him! Best of luck to you! I know it's not easy but trust me you would be much better off without him! I'm hoping that you have left him already!

Oh yeah...he is controlling. Have you ever considered that he is the ill person and not you?<br />
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You tend to blame yourself for everything he does when you are not at fault. Noone can control you unless you want them to...you are enabling him. It might be a blessing that you and your husband have the same GP. I recommend that you talk to your GP about your husbands behavior and see where that goes. Good Luck

My ex husband is a very controlling person. Even though I love(d) him very much I eventually had to get out. I was depressed for many years, had a breakdown but am now mentally stable although I am still pulling my life together after all the abuse.<br />
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I wish you happiness and compassion

My ex husband is a very controlling person. Even though I love(d) him very much I eventually had to get out. I was depressed for many years, had a breakdown but am now mentally stable although I am still pulling my life together after all the abuse.<br />
<br />
I wish you happiness and compassion