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So Why Am I Going For Divorce

So why am I trying for divorce now... We did briefly go together to a hoarders support group. And it helped bring home to me some truths about my wife's condition and our relationship. So in the light of that, it has to be divorce because - I'm worried that:

1) My son is missing out too much - nowhere to sit for homework, no chance of bringing friends home etc.

2) My wife's occasional and illogical tantrums, often related to clutter, could get worse.

3) My son is learning a bad lesson about how a relationship should work, because we aren't able to discuss the important things in our lives sensibly or to make sensible decisions about them.

4) Our living environment could take a turn for the worse - mice we could not get rid of, or a breakdown in the heating we could not repair because the pipes are under clutter all through the house.

5) my son is at an age where he can change quite quickly and he could up sticks and leave, which I certainly wouldn't want. And clearly this had happened for some other hoarders at the support group.

6) I would like to feel psychological "ownership" of my own home. It doesn't have to be an exclusive thing, but at the same time, I don't want to feel excluded.

7) I would like proper chairs to sit on, a table to eat from or put down my laptop, and a place I could bring friends back to.

8) I'd like to have a proper relationship too.

9) Because I've lost all faith that there's any chance of my wife's condition improving.

10) Because I don't want to sleep with her - even if the "marital bed" were not completely inaccessible - we can't even open the door to that room.
londonwestman1 londonwestman1 51-55, M 12 Responses Nov 27, 2012

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Wow, how truly sad and tragic that your wife is like this. It is like living with an alcoholic. You can't bring people home, your life is controlled or at least severely impacted by their disease, and they do not see hoarding as a problem.

I can only imagine it must be hellish for all three of you. I wonder why she doesn't seek professional help; it could drastically improve all of your lives. It's unfortunate for you and your son that the ball (on therapy) is entirely in her court, and you have to live with its effects until she decides to change. Hugs and hope it improves soon.

I live with a different type of hoarder... he doesn't let go of anything, be it old cars,old clothes, old recites...> (phone, utilities, grocery, credit card ) papers left over from school, work, from decades a go, that are meaningless.

even his daughters room ( who is 31- has moved away 10 years ago) still has posters up from her grade school days, and her clothes from when she ws 7 or 8 stll hang in the closet, even one of her art creations from kindergarten,with stick people still adorns her bedroom wall,and right beside it is girl power posters, its crazy! the furniture is nasty and filthy from use (the furniture Is over 30 years old for god sakes)

but will he let me get rid of it noooooooooooo so behind his back I have been one by one throwing that crap away ! but its hard to rid of the couch and big chair that no one can sit on, because ur *** ends up sinking to the floor when u sit on it.

Well it doesn't sound that different. My son's wardrobe is full of clothes and the like from when he was tiny (now 13). We also can't reach his wardrobe for heaps of toys and bags of things my wife has bought because they were in a sale or some such.

You have my sympathy. I think I can say I understand how tough a problem this is to crack!

yes i never knew it could lead to such a problem, i just got intot his 3 years ago and as soon as i can stash some money, im going to get the hell out of dodge

when i moved in you would not believe the dust that had turned into dirt from being left to sit for years

even the house is need dire repair, if an authority came in they would shut the house down, and make him move out of i.t

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I recently left my husband for the exact same situation. Now my biggest issue is that my 5 year old daughter has to visit and stay over night in his home which has gotten much worse since I left. How are you handling the visitation aspects with the divorce and your son visiting her?

I have been bogged down in the horrors of the process for a couple of months now, but about to take the bull by the horns and restart.

My hope is that she might move to the house which she owns about fifteen miles away. If she does, then the stuff will mostly be left and I can get rid of it. I realise now that she survived up until meeting me by moving house every few years and never getting around to taking the stuff with her.

But obviously that depends on getting her to shift. Not easy...

I can't imagine how you must feel. It seems like a living nightmare. I saw some documentaries about messies and that there is not really a cure for that behaviour. The opposite is a cleanie, not easy to handle either. My sis in law is one and I don't dare to sit down on her sofa because I don't want to crumple her cushions.

Thanks for your support. And yes I have heard of these cleanies. That must be pretty hard to cope with too. The workings of the mind are so mysterious.

So sorry to hear of your situation londonwestman. It must be so difficult. Both you and your son deserve more of a life than can be had in what sounds like a dreadfully claustrophic house. I wish you all good luck in finding a solution.

That is such a sad story. It really is a psychological condition to be a hoarder. I have a friend who hoards. I hope life improves for you.

If only there were proper treatment and a proper legal process to go with it being a real psychological condition.

I must admit, I would find it very hard to cope in your circumstance. I wish you the very best. x

Thanks. I'm hoping for the best...

Oh Goodness! I am feeling so much for you at the moment! I hope you and your son are really okay. Sending hugs to you!

You have my support and friendship. Xox

You are doing the best thing for your son and yourself. By staying in the relationship, you are being neither supportive nor loyal, but a condoner and enabler of the condition. For a long time, she's had a choice - her family or her "things". Her choice is clear... time to go! Time to find freedom to be yourself, live as you want, raise your son in a healthy environment and reclaim what you've lost to hoarding over the years. I wish you love, I wish you happiness and I wish you joy! Much love...

Good choice... That's a show of spirit! Its your life too, and don't you forget to stand up for it... :-)

all of this is very sad