I Think I May Live With A Hoarder

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 3 years. Aside from other issues, I believe he suffers from hoarding. It's steadily gotten worse. It's not to the point where he saves animal feces or anything but just regular cleanliness is an issue. Like, for a long time I wasn't allowed to clean the kitchen or he would FREAK OUT. He said, "stay out of my kitchen." I love cooking and cleaning my own kitchen but no he wouldn't have it. He also finds something to complain about almost every time I do cook so I now rarely cook at my own house or at all. I don't even find joy in something I used to love. The kitchen is always more messy that anywhere I ever lived by myself. He gets furious if I do anything in the kitchen. If he finishes something like a jar of pickles or a container of food, he puts the container back in the refridgerater even though it's empty. The counters are always full of tobacco stuff for his cigarettes, old mail, empty envelopes, empty medicine bottles, random mess of stuff that should be put elsewhere. I want to sob at least three or four times a day over the state of the house. Whenever I go crazy and clean up as much as I can I feel better but it's usually only a matter of 24 hours or so before it's almost as bad. He REFUSES to help most of the time or constantly puts it off. We sleep in seperate rooms because I can't handle his room with all his dog's hair and there are filthy sheets all over the floor and dirty clothes. My room has never looked like that. He gets so furious and agressive if I mention anything to do with cleaning that I almost never do. I'm also very social and yet I don't invite friends over because I work third shift and the house is always filthy. There is dog hair everywhere. I sweep as much as I can but there are so many wires and equipment all over the living room it's impossible to get it all. He's self employed and has tons of speaker cabinets, amps, musical instruments and wires EVERYWHERE and they're usually tangled with dog hair in them. This is honestly the complete opposite of how I want my house to be. A few months ago I told him that things had to change or I was moving out. He got furious and said this was a threat and things would go so much better if I would just clean instead of complain. I love that I'm expected to do everything. I left the biggest of a series of arguments stemming from that situation feeling like I was crazy for mentioning any of it. In the next few days, I cleaned so much and barely made a dent. I felt so hopeless and sad I cried a lot. This week I got a second job so now I'll be working 60 hours a week. I think i'm subconciously doing it so that I don't have to think about what to do about my situation. I honestly think I need therapy to figure it out. I am in a fog of confusion. So much of this is blamed on me and we have so much tension in the house that I'm frequently blaming myself and hating myself for the state of the house. If something needs done I have to do it. I'm so used to my father being helpful and understanding to my mom and my mom having a clean house that my own house is shameful to me. I have anxiety attacks sometimes when I start trying to clean. But it feels SO GOOD when I take out the trash. I also have asthma and he makes no effort to clean up the dog hair. NO EFFORT AT ALL. He's swept maybe 5 times in a year and a half that we've lived together. Is all of this my fault? Am I the problem? Am I really a terrible communicator and a terrible cook and a terrible housekeeper??? Even though I've had absolutely no problem with these things at any other house i've lived in and have received thousands of compliments on my cooking abilities from every other person I know except him. Also, people frequently come to me for advice and tell me my company is enjoyable and that I'm fun. I feel like a burden to him. He says when we argue that I make myself mad and that he has nothing to do with it. Honestly... Why can't he just clean up after himself??? I work so much and he is home all the time with his business. But you'd think he could scrub out the toilet and tub every now and again. Or even sweep up his own dogs hair... I want to move out so bad but always get drawn back in because of feelings for him. I honestly feel like maybe I'm addicted to the relationship as messed up as it is. I also feel myself getting older and fall into dark pits of confusion as to what to do. It never stays better for long. In fact now the house is awful. It's set up oddly and there are two living rooms. One of with is filled with his mother's belongings and the other is filled with his electronic equipment. Shouldn't there be room for me too? I don't even really feel attached to my own things anymore. I thought about throwing most of my belongings away. I don't know. I need help. I don't know what to do.
thingsicantsayinperson thingsicantsayinperson
26-30, F
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

He doesn't sound like a hoarder, he sounds like a lazy slob. You said he is self-employed, and mentioned music equipment. Is he in a band? You should absolutely be upset by this, because he is not respecting your right to live comfortably, and he isn't respecting you when you try to bring it up to him. I don't know how you're saying it, but when someone tells you it's your own fault for being angry about something totally legitimate, it's an indicator of a narcissistic personality.

It sounds like he has weird issues with the kitchen and food, too. What is that about? Most guys would kill to have a woman make delicious meals for them, and be doing something she loves and sharing that with him. It kinda sounds like he is draining you of your individuality, so that you have nothing left to do but clean up after him and the dog. He acts like he doesn't want you to clean, but then says if you just did it, there would be no problem...for him. One day, he will act like he is giving in and say, "Fine!! Just clean it then!" and somehow you will interpret that as a victory.

He doesn't sound like he is on your maturity level at all, as he doesn't understand the concept of compromise, respect, or general health. You guys sleep in separate rooms, so there is no intimacy there. Now that you have two jobs, go rent yourself a nice, spacious, clean place with a nice kitchen and reclaim yourself before this joker robs you of your joy and puts it in the fridge.