Kids Rooms

Your post reminded me of my Grandmother, who was a hoarder (only of items), and my mother, who hoards everything. When I was younger (teenager), I asked my Grandmother why she wanted our family to bring our old clothes to Europe when we came for summer visits. And, the reason I asked this was because my mother had started hoarding things after my parents divorce. My Grandmother told me that during WWII, times were very lean and financially devastating. She told me that when the Germans entered Greece, the German Military started going door to door, demanding housing. Those that didn't comply we're dragged into the streets, and shot. When they came to my Grandmother's door, she welcomed them, and housed them for months. Housing them meant food for her family and protection (little did they know that the Russian side of my family was Jewish, and had fled Russia during the Bolshevik Revolution, converting to Christianity when they arrived in Greece). She also knew that when they left, her family would starve. So, she prepared for their departure by hiding rations. It saved their lives, but she always remembered the times when they were starving and cold right when the war kicked off. She also mentioned that when her family fled Russia during the Revolution to Greece, her father left my Great-Grandmother (going to Canada), and they were very poor and hungry all the time. Two very devastating events that I believe shaped her behavior. When my father divorced my mother, it was ugly. My mother literally, at first, just stopped doing things (probably from the devastation of the divorce), and a few years after that, started hoarding stuff (when things started to get financially tight). My mother is not very clean, while my Grandmother was super-clean (my mother told me later that my Grandmother worked her like a maid when she was young-I could see that because she made my older cousin clean constantly when we visited). There are so many things that happen to us as children that shape our behavior. And, a lot of times we don't realize that some of our coping mechanisms develop into negative behaviors and attitudes as adults. Unless family members are aware of certain events, it's hard to rationalize what's happening, why it's happening and how to fix it. And, it won't get fixed until the individual is willing to address the underlying issues and causes.

I suppose my point is that when I later found out about everything, I realized two very important correlations that started or lead to the hoarding: devastation (ie-war, divorce, abandonment) and loss (ie-food, material items, housing, the loss of security). For my mother, who fits the typical "hoarder" picture, it was dealing with the loss of my father emotionally, so she left everything as it was when he left. Then, after a time of neglect and depression, when she realized things weren't going to go back to the way they were, she filled that emotional void with stuff-inanimate objects that can't leave, that will always be there, that won't disappoint her. Her behavior alienated people, but in her mind, people are unreliable, unpredictable and complicated. She refused to deal with it-we got into many a heated argument over her hoarding and neglect of the home. And, I ended up stepping up to the plate as a teenager and cleaning all the time, organizing and caring for my younger sister (which caused a lot of resentment towards her on my part). But, after almost 33 years, she has started to understand and comprehend what has been happening. She admits that the reason why she denied anything was wrong, or made excuses for the state of her home was because she was in denial and severely depressed. That specific things that happened to her as a child (physical abuse by a nanny, her being worked constantly by my Grandmother, my Grandfather's indiscretions, which were open indiscretions, that would lead to fighting and turmoil, and my Grandmother saying things like "If he leaves us, we'll have nothing, we'll starve like we did during the war, we'll be on the streets") contributed to her hoarding and depression when she got hit with my father's cheating, and eventual divorce. My father and mother ended up getting back together after 10 years (I had left by then), and things got better with her, but only after 20+ more years, and after she admitted to me certain things. I explained to my Mother that had she gone to a counselour 30 years ago, our lives and relationship over the years would have been very different.