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He Promises Everything and Then Comes Through With Nothing But Excuses

Each day I wish I were not with him. He procrastinates or promises to do something and never completes what he said he would do. His temper flares for the smallest issues and I am always the supposed cause of everything that goes wrong for him. He is either sickingly sweet or changes to a real devil and says its all in my head. I want out but can't afford to leave. Still waiting for my savings to allow that. I almost married him and then found out how financially he is a mess too. He works at a job which eats up the pay in gas and is too into it to get another one. I hate the situation I am in and am alone most of the time. He appears to be the nice guy but when we are alone the opposite comes out. I think he is a chronic liar because he can't seem to look me in the eyes when he talks.

lovelyladybug lovelyladybug 56-60, F 8 Responses Sep 23, 2009

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OH i sooo feel you. I live with a PA man also... we arent married but he did give me an engagement ring back when we first got together.... (this is my high school sweetheart) who I hooked up with 23 years later..... the ring has no meaning to me now... simply because ... oh my the passive aggressive behaviour is unreal. I have not had intamacy for a year now... I dont get it.. I just dont get it.. my father was PA and I have been married 2 times before... also PA men... its so funny (well not really) that I couldnt spot it at the beggining of this relationship... I think the fact that I had been so head over heels for him in high school really clouded my judgement. I say run run run from these men if your able.. myself.. Im kinda trapped... cant work.. MS has flaired up to the point I havent worked in 18 mo.. disability keeps denying me... so here I sit just ... alienated and as I posted on another post.. I am simply now a maid... man.. I have always worked a professional job and worked since I was 16.. Im 44 now... not working is hard enough on my self esteem.. but to then have this person and his personality disorder... (what I call it) honestly... it RIPS my heart out... really rips my heart out.... lonely depressed... I just want to feel the touch of a caring man... sad.. when you have a man in the other room who at the begging was SUCH A CHARMER.... sorry Im just babbling.. dont know what to say... these men and their actions.. just make your head swim and your heart hurt... if you have the ability.. RUN... RUN ...RUN<br />
oh... let me just say... also.. his son lives with us... hes Major passive aggressive already... sad huh.. very very sad

My husband is a disabled vet. Is yours? I saw that you spoke of the VA. That's why I ask. <br />
My husband is treated for several different health issues by the VA.

I am in the same position, only my savings doesn't grow and won't unless I get a job, but I can't work because he's disabled and needs me around to care for him.<br />
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He says he's interested in meeting my needs and tells me, and everyone else, what he's "gunna" do, but its all words and no action. He procrastinates everything. He says I am bossy, or needy, or its all in my head, when I ask him to do something and point out that he hasn't done it, but said he would. <br />
He uses his disability as an excuse when it suits him. He can't do somehting small like help fold towels that are sitting by him on the couch because his back hurts..but then 5 minutes later our daughter is at the door requesting help with a flat tire he's out there changing the tire and checking out the rest of her car while he's at it. After she leaves and I point it out he's defensive, angry and tells me its all in my head. <br />
I'm sick of it. I am sick of being called a whiner and a complainer. I am sick of being called bossy and demanding. I am tired of being thought of as crazy or mean or self-centered or a liar. <br />
It isn't fair and its sooooooooooooooo annoying.<br />
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I know he's mad, but why? he won't even cop to being mad ! <br />
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SICK OF THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />
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The whole situation is out of my control . I HATE THAT ! <br />
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So...................... I totally get what you're saying and why. I sooooooooo feel for you. We both deserve better than this. <br />
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(hugs)

My chaplain at the VA had some wonderful ideas to impart to our support group. She said that if something is done to us (a comment or action that goes into our boundary area and hits our heart, then is kept in or bounces off) we should ask 3 questions. Does it or the words really apply to us? If yes, accept it. If no, blow it off as inappropriate by the person sending the message. Or third, if maybe, consider the action or words and deal with it within our boundary system at a later time when we feel it is a time to deal with it. So the questions to any emotional hit (which is common by those who are PA) are yes, no, or maybe with careful consideration of our protective boundary system.<br />
I am in counseling and I thank God for it. His PA garbage is very draining and my poor health is adding to my emotional reserve depletion. Any tips for renewal of my emotional reserve?

It has been some time since I wrote the intial comments but things are only worse now. I have been in the hospital a few times for surgery and complicatons. I came home both times to a filthy home, smelling of animal and body odor. He did not help me with wound care and now has added name calling to his PA temper tantrums. Sometimes, I feel so weak and unable to cope that he actually engages me in his anger. I live in an environment of not knowing when he will be nice or go off on a rant at any moment. When I get healthier I am going to seek employment, leave with everything when he is at work, and not look back at this mess of a relationship. There is no changing him since he is in complete denial so I can only change me, get well, and leave. Until that time, I feel so alone and tired. This has really drained me. Anyone have any tips for me to cope with all of his PA stuff until I can get away from him.

I have read some amazing comments and information on passive aggressive behaviour on this site, your post made me think I see the world through your eyes and vice versa! I wish I had some advice for you on how to make coping easier as you plan your departure, but I'm sure you are very aware at this point of the coping mechanisms you need to put into place, fall below the radar - keep strong!

Have you tried counseling?

Set goals set boundrys and set yourself a standard... You will cope if you leave him dont worry about finances or what if's... Someone will always be there to break your fall ... good luck!