Ranting Maniac! (me That Is)

I have been involved with a passive agressive man for 6 years.  The first couple of years, I could not figure out what was going on with him.  Sometimes he was loving, kind and funny.  Then he would turn around and become cold, selfish, and acted like he was not interested.  Then one night at a party (at his ex wife's house...more about that later) he introduced me as Margaret.  Margaret is his ex-sister-in-law.  I looked at him, asked where that came from and then put out my hand to the person I was being introduced to and said "Hi, my name is Barbara and we've only been dating two years, it's hard for him to remember my name".  He was mad and embarrassed.  He avoided me the rest of the evening.  Took me home, I didn't hear from him for two days, then when I did he told me he didn't want to talk to me, didn't want to see me, etc.  It took me a long time to get  past that.

Then about 8 months later he started calling and wanted to see me.  At first, I would just hang up and not talk to him.  Finally after about a month I agreed to meet him for coffee.  He missed me, he wanted me in his life, blah, blah.  All the right words.  I told him I could not go through that kind of pain again and he said he meant every word he was saying.  About two weeks later he asked me to move into his new house with him.  I did.  On the second day there he told me I could put out pictures of my grandchildren as long as they were current and I put them in the back bedroom.  The control over "his" house never let up.  I was not allowed to make many changes and yet it was our "home".  I paid $500 rent, bought the groceries, cooked the meals (and I'm a great cook), did the laundry and the ironing.  For about 9 months things were okay.  We spent part of the weekends doing things but he always played golf on Sunday.

Then his elderly father got sick and passed away.  I was very close to his father.  During these 9 months, his ex wife (to whom he is close and is the mother of his grown sons) would call to ask us to dinner, or just chat.  The two of them made defcisions about our social life (she is remarried) and there I was.  Then she started getting nasty to me.  Making snide remarks around me making sure no one else heard it.  Finally after his father passed, she came to our house with the two grown sons.  She and my SO were discussing dinner plans for Friday's shive (we are jewish).  I then told her to "back off".  and told her she could not come into my home and take charge.  It was downhill from there.  He became angry, would have nothing to do with me sexually, everything and anything that went wrong was my fault.  We basically screamed at one another over what color the grass was.  I left after six months of that crap.  Bought my own house and got on with my life.  He and his ex wife deserved each other.  Let me just say here that she is a very controlling/manipulative woman which is why they are no longer married.

He started writing me lettrs/notes and leaving them on my car.  He didn't know my address or my phone numbers (unlisted home and changed cell).  I finally called him and told him I appreciated his apology.  He begged me to try again, promised to get counseling and asked me to go with him.  This is the most exhausing thing I've ever done.  I love him dearly but he is not the center of my world as he once was.  I'm too aware of the destruction that he can cause.  I'm going to give him the chance to change his behavior but am going to have defined boundaries also.  One of those boundaries is no more emotional infidelity which is what he was/is committing with his ex wife.  He is 62 and I am 65.  He just lost his job which doesn't help. 



bphoenix bphoenix
61-65, F
4 Responses Nov 10, 2009

i too moved in with my p/a he also has control issues about his house............. and every time his x wife calls and invites us to a family get togehter, he goes, but, if i ask him to go some where with me .......its no go !

Run as fast as your feet will carry you. I know you love this man, we all do , but the reality is that the more you show him you love him, the more he will use this against you and treat you like crap. Like the first post, I see the manipulation in the notes and messages. I saw how after 8 months he bought a new house and needed, not wanted you there. That's why the move in was two weeks later. These men can not, I repeat can not live alone. They need someone to do the dance with them. some one to take on their anger, someone they can refuse. Some one to blame for their misery and failure. Go back to your house, or don't leave it. The less contact with this man the better for you self-esteem. He will destroy it. You sound like a very reasonable women with a good heart that's what they look for. He's not stupid they know how to pick their victims.

coco i like ur insight

I hate to tell anyone what to do but I agree with golightly. I also have been with my PA husband for 20 years. We have had extensive couples counseling and he even admits he is passive aggressive. Says he is committed to changing but never does anything. We have spent a fortune in counseling, books etc. The truth is hard but from what I have read it is a hard behavior to change even if you are super motivated. <br />
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There is always something that pulls on you to stay if it's not a lost job it will be something else. I have given in so many times but at great expense. For the longest time he had me convinced it was all in my head.

You laadies are quite. Insightfull thanks for sharing your stories about the P/A very daaged children in adult bodies. I am not sure mine is a pa or not Jury still out but has behavioral issues Acts out then plays off like everything is fine the next day...is this PA? The denile? Again thx for input

iv been reading comments and stories from member who goes by the name ... "perseverer" she has lots of Simi Pro info on dealing with dysfunctional people.

I would not go back to him. <br />
I have been married for almost 20 years to a PA man. It NEVER gets better. I can see the pattern in your post as clear as a bell. <br />
He will always try to convince you he is "working on it" and for a little while he will - but when it comes time to make the next step he will have an excuse. You love him and want to be reasonable so you will accept the excuse as a temporary pause (the way it should be) but he will use that excuse as a way to save face and NOT move forward.<br />
This pattern will repeat in your sex life and your emotional connections with him over and over again.<br />
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The house control thing - yup. Been there done that. But my husband can not tell me where to put my stuff because we bought the house together. But he did spend a lot of time blocking my path as I walked from room to room. Literally putting his body in my way.<br />
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Women like us are just smart enough to see the real person behind the cruelty. But we are not smart enough to realize that no matter what we see as potential in these men, their actions are their real selves.<br />
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He puts his ex wife above you - he withholds emotionally and can not share. he controls what you do and his little notes and messages are not appologies they are another attempt at control. He does this because you accept his behavior enough that he feels power and validation.<br />
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Men like this tell us they love us - but they dont know the real meaning of the word.