I've Lost It All

My husband got severe chronic pain after a hernia gone bad surgery, we have a 3 year old son, i was pregnant when the pain started, the pain is in his testicle, and it's been 3 1/2 years now. we can't have sex, he never touches me to try to be intimate somehow. he hurts all the time 24/7 10/10 pain scale, hardcore meds, nothing helps, he talks about offing himself, i am just here looking for help maybe see other's lives could be just as bad as ours. i love him, but he is not mine anymore to have. everything is gone, too tired to talk to me,.
mustangg1rl mustangg1rl
3 Responses Sep 12, 2012

This has to be one of the most difficult ways to live...it's living without life. I'm sure you're exhausted and confused and feeling so lonely. The reason we get married is to have a partner by our sides forever. The one person who we can always be with, through everything, and you have lost that person. I wish when I hear other people's stories, so similar to mine, that we could live closer and be there for each other. All I can do is say....I know...everything you're feeling and everything your husband is saying--I know. And if I could, I would say it with a hug and an offer to take your kids so that you could go out for a few hours. By yourself. I'm sure you don't get that. I just had one of those weeks (two in a row, actually) where I just needed my husband. And I couldn't need him. He has been locked back in the bedroom, in pain, unable to do anything but lay there. It's all I can do to keep from spiraling into full-blown depression, but I have to keep it together for my kids. I don't want them to ever think bad things about their daddy. There will be days that you feel stronger than you are and days that you have no strength left. I hope the stronger days are around the bend.

I am so sorry for what you are enduring. None of us imagine something like this when we promise "in sickness and in health." It is terribly hard. My husband has had chronic backpain for the past 3+ years and has had 4 back surgeries - 3 since we got married. With every surgery, pain has gotten worse and the medication stronger. As a result, I have lost him. In his place is a totally different person - one who is completely self-involved. He has no clue or concern about how we are (my children and I) feeling or how I'm doing as I struggle to hold our marriage and our children's happily oblivious lives together. I don' t know if there's a good answer for anyone going through this. I think part of our job as their spouse is to not only comfort them, but also to force them to face up to what their choices are - when they're on meds, they are not thinking clearly - they get caught up in the moment and can't focus at all on what they need to do to change their future...they're hurting and they just want the pain to stop. One thing I keep doing is reminding my husband that he is a grown man and that as an adult - albeit a medicated one - he is responsible for his health. He has to continue to seek answers from doctors until he gets answers that will really help him. I support him in that and encourage him and go to doctor's appointments with him. So long as I know that there's hope that someday the man I fell in love with will come back to me and our children, I'll stick it out and encourage him. But man, it's so hard. I pray for you, your little one, and your husband - I hope that you come out on the other side of this and are able to look back in a few years as just a tough period in a good marriage.

My husband talks about shooting himself all the time. He has back pain and has had 1 surgery already. He can't work and we are behind on our rent and our credit sucks. I feel like our relationship is slipping away because all he talks about is the pain, He doesn't even notice when I am upset anymore. It is like he can't see past himself. Crazy question....can they remove the testicle that is causing so much pain? What do they think the cause is?