Learning To CopeMy husband and I have been married 2 1/2 Years, but we have known eachother 7 Years and were friends as teenagers. We are both young and probably are still maturing and growing at 23 Even though i should I have not really felt like an adult just yet. My husband has always had back pain from an accident years ago the situation had never been seeked for help and since then it has always been a problem, it also seems since we have been together it has gotten worse. I don't know if Its because of me i feel asthough sometimes he believes its because of me (logically) since we have been together its worse, When i think it may be true it could also just being getting worse cause i dont think these things get better. He has no real diagnosis which makes this much more complex cause no one can figure out what the problem is. Honestly im tired of figuring out what the problem is cause given that fact he is still in Pain. He has gone to Dr.s he has got MRIs done they have seen a mild hernation in his spine (which i believe mild or not ) can be mostly likely painful in its self. Anyways im dont want to say to much , I just know that he is dealing with something far more greater than i will ever know I want to understand it , I think that is where i have gone wrong . I will never understand his pain I will never know because i do not have a problem like that. I guess in a sence i have realized its not about understanding his pain completely but understanding that he is in pain and its real. I understood this before but some how after marriage and 2 kids i sometimes loose my paitence quickly . Before having family we had more time with eachother , i could rub his back for and hour and be okay with it and not mind. Ever since then i just feel so tired and i dont want to do these things, I love my husband very much and i always want to help him when i can. He isnt able to help me with the kids and that is hard but he does what he can i guess expectations truly is not a good thing to have. I always pictured me with a family and being well normal , we can be normal at times but not always. I sitll am tryig to learn to cope with this. I believe i need councling i want to be his rock and i want to be there for him, i want to say okay if he is not able to this one day and able to do it another and possibly not again for a long time , that i can be okay with that , that i respect him and understand enough of his reasoning of not being able too.
I think sometimes i take things to personally and his pain strains our marriage i think if i learned how to deal with his pain that things could possibly get better. I cant change that he has pain but i can change me and my attitude. I have hurt him sounding like the drs. making him feel as if nothing is wrong and he is fully capable to do what anyother person can do and i have said things that i can not take back which have sadly left him demorolized , that scares me I do not want to be that type of person. My family does not help in the matter they feel they know everything and what the steps are to take to get him "Better". But i believe it makes it worse and the fact that they kinda act like they know i think makes it even worse. I tell myself if i can make peace in the home show him that i care and truely do as much as i can for him. THat that itsself can possibly make our situation better. To not always sit there and focus on the pain but be blindesided and try to see enjoyable things in life. Getting angry does not help I never realy was angry , sure ive had my moments but its not at him directly im more mad at his back , which in turn im sure he is too. Cant live like this though, dont want too. I came onto this site because i have no one to talk to about this , nor do i really want to talk to someone directly but thoughts are still in my head i have to let it out. I've had these thoughts for so long and i bury them and bury them i turn my head as if there is no problem (somtimes not all the time) but its not true , not necesseraly is it a problem but it changes things alot in life . I have decided to myself that i am going to try and be a better wife , try not to take things pesonally and also keep a journal to myself to write anything negative feelings i have i do not want to take my negative feelings twords my husband anymore , all i want is to rid of them work through it myself. Has anyone else done this? Other any postivie copeing maganisms anyone has tried to keep going . Again i love my husband so much im not going to sit there and say i want to make him understand where im coming from , like when pooped out from watching the kids and how i might want to just have sometime for me, but iknow i will be rubbing helping him feel better aswell. I'm sure he does understand but i will not understand his pain and because of that for me to sit here and tell him understand is just mean and i think wrong. I hope this journal thing works and that him and I will grown closer and not let this illness tare us apart. There maybe somethings he needs to work on but mayb if he sees ill change for him for us to be the best we can be he will be not far behinde following.