FrustratedMy husband's chronic pain started 6 months into our marriage.
April marks our 5 yr anniversary.
His coping skills are better now than they were in the first few years, and so are mine.
But still--some days, his body hates him so much more than others, and he can't help but project.
I know it's not intentional; I understand that he is in discomfort, which makes it easier to get upset over little things, and make mountains out of mole hills.
I try to be as understanding as I can...but sometimes...it's so difficult and I'm so tired.
The kicker--when your partner is ill-natured because of his discomfort, you can't just leave him. It's not like he's an abusive addict that I need to get away from.
If anything, I become the monster, for abandoning someone who is already hurting so much.
So i refocus my energies; stay really active outside of the home, and do my best to take care of myself.
The lack of intimacy is really wearing on me. I didn't ever expect to end up in what feels like a platonic marriage. It's because of how crappy he feels, there's no desire in him, sex is the last thing on his mind. And then I feel bad, for wanting something he can't give because he doesn't feel well, even though I know it's just human.
So many people don't even know who my husband is, because they've never met him, because he so rarely gets out, b.c he doesn't know when he'll get a headache, or his back will start hurting, or something will go wrong...so I understand why he prefers to stay home.
I didn't know I was getting married to be alone so much.
I have spent so much of my life alone. I wanted a partner so I wouldn't be so alone--otherwise why even get into a relationship?
And I wonder sometime, is this just my lot? Am I experiencing this in life to learn and grow? Am I supposed to learn to nurture myself and fulfill myself on my own, on every level, instead of getting that from another? I miss affection.
And sometimes, when I'm really frustrated, I wish I could just leave him. but I love him so much. and I know it's not on purpose. He's suffers so frequently. And then I feel like such a terrible person for wanting to leave, even though I know that's human, too.
Catch-22. there's no way out.
monquimonkee 31-35, F 2 Responses 0 Feb 9, 2013