Tired

For starters, i had to get a new user name & password because he (my alcoholic boyfriend) got me so pissed off last nite that i forgot my user name & password..pretty bad huh?? lol..
i do not know why i like him, maybe because we are alike....i was in recovery, an alcoholic myself, i desperately need to get back to my recovery program. The way i look at things right now, is that things are happening just the way they should happen. I think that i needed to be really close to another practicing acoholic, just to really remember exactly what i must have been like when i was using. Everything happens for a reason i truly believe, at least in this case anyway. I now know that i need to practice my program better, or to be blunt, more HONESTLY. I look at life like a series of lessons that i need to learn & this i got (most gratefully) from the program.
In the heat of the moment i actually wanted to marry this guy, can yu imagine, we don't live together, but might as well be. Over the course of a month, i have seen things that were just awful. I am co-dependant, an enabler. I think i am addicted to this guy, there's no other name for it. Curiously enough, i had found this book in the house, called "Letting go with love"by Julia.H. & forwarded by Randy Davis, Ph.D. It is a good book,. in case anyone is interested, it really makes alot of sense, & is helpful. All i can say is never say never. I told myself that I would never get involved with a practicing alcoholic/drug addict & lo & behold, here i sit.
Last night I told him if he WANTS to, I will take him to an open-meeting, it was a very long drawn-out discussion. I think we both need it, I don't want to die with him.
One of the things i must remember, is that i cannot change him, I cannot change anyone, only me & my attitudes & reactions, especially my REACTIONS to him. I think I am gonna lose him, but I honestly want back the peace & serenity that i had found before i got into this mess. Wishing all a good day & good luck. Thanks for listening, ya' know what i mean..lol.
forgetful55 forgetful55
51-55, F
Dec 6, 2012