Love Changes When You Live With Someone

My boyfriend and I dated all through college and then moved in with each other in nyc upon graduation. We were very excited and extremely in love. We were sure we were ready as we had made it 4 yrs together and were still happy and in love. We figured we'd save money and be able to see each other every day. We invested a lot in our small one bedroom apartment and were excited to start our new life together.

Shortly after move in we were both immersed in our jobs, working long hours and discovering new things about ourselves. We only saw each other in the evening and on weekends but although we lived together, we never really spent quality time together. We spent most of our time arguing about cooking/cleaning/space issues. Soon the love we once felt started feeling more like obligation and resentment. I was confused because although I still loved him, I hated him too. I couldn't live with or without him. I felt trapped and everytime I became angry I said horrible things to him and wished I never had moved in with him. Soon after, we would make up and I would think..."I need to be realistic, love takes work...if it was any other guy, after the sparks died out, we'd still have the same problems/issues".  So we lived on, arguing silently and out loud, I felt that I had fell out of love with him at times. I felt trapped also, because I started becoming attracted to other guys longing for something fresh and new, but I couldn't just get up and go. It was complicated now. I lived with him. I told my family this could work and I had a lease! It would take a tremendous amount of effort/admitting I had failed/money. Many times I would come close to finding ways to get out, but I'd convince myself otherwise somewhere along the line and we'd make up and be happy again. It was a vicious cycle...but I wouldn't say I was happy in the least.

Long story short we broke up and moved out. Funny thing is we couldn't stay apart. We lived apart for 6 months. We were both miserable and struggling to find apts. I soon realized that everything was in my mind. Being without him didn't make me happier.

After a swarm of bad luck in apt searches we took a risk and moved back in with each other! Yes, was I insane? Probably..., but it was a combination of feeling that he still loved me despite it all and that he was a good guy.  How can I blame him for working too hard at work?  Also, it was the humility of the 6 months of bad luck with apts, the financial distress of searching for an apt (so much cheaper living in a one bedroom share) and the hope that this time things would be different. So, we moved into a gorgeous place in LIC. We still have our ups and downs, but things are better. We got some pets and we've improved our relationships in many ways. However, at times I still feel that I'm trapped, missing out on meeting someone who I can share more things with.

He studies and works all weekend, doesn't like to go out for drinks, lives life like an 80 yr old man. However, he promises me things will be different once he has accomplished his goals. When he can buy me a house and feel financially stable. Does it make sense to wait for such things? I try to not even think about how dumb I sound. I really do question love now. Do people actually stay in love after many years, or do they just learn to be perfect roomates/teamates? And is it worth it to trade a good man for temporary fun? I don't know anything, really, but I imagine cohabitation changes every relationship, tests it and its strength. It's like a glimpse of what marriage could be and can be a real disaster if you aren't ready.




CocoT CocoT
2 Responses Feb 16, 2009

It's a little of both I think. If you both share the same long-term goals, on roughly the same timeline, then it might be worth it to stay in the relationship and be patient. But if you want to be with someone who's more interested in "temporary fun" as you put it, going to parties and going out a lot, and your boyfriend's not like that, then maybe he's not the one for you. There's no point in resenting your partner for being the way they are because you're both complete opposites. <br />
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I'm more extroverted than my boyfriend, more social and more outgoing. His anxiety is worse than mine, and he's the type to stay at home and inside a lot. Over time I've noticed that I've become more ok with staying at home, largely because we keep moving to places where I don't have many friends and so it's easier to stay at home. But we compromise and once in awhile he'll come out for a short walk with me, and we like to go errand-running together, like going to the mall or going grocery shopping (he doesn't like to go alone). :) So that makes me feel better, knowing he likes my company that much. <br />
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It might be worth it to sit him down and talk about it... let him know you're feeling "trapped" and that maybe he can compromise by going out with you once in awhile, or doing something special with you that you'd like him to do and that he'd be ok with doing. At the very least he can listen to you.

this story is very true; i felt for you, thanks for sharing!