Best Way Out Of A Bad Situation

After Hurricane Sandy, I left where I was living with my parents. My parents have always been physically and emotionally abusive toward me.

Originally, the plan was that I would stay with my ex in his one bedroom apartment until my alcoholic father got it together to get a repair man to restore heat to the house. Then my therapist(I'm in therapy for PTSD and a panic disorder that I developed after almost losing my life when I was run over by a car four years ago) forbid me to return there.

At first, my ex and I weren't sure what should be done. My therapist told me that if I couldn't stay with him, she and I would have to brainstorm about where else I could go. My ex and I spoke about it and we've decided that I will stay until I am able to pay my own rent somewhere else.

I went out the second weekend I was here and found a second job near my ex's apartment. I'm applying to other jobs to replace my first, which is an hour away and not lucrative enough to pay rent on. I have two college degrees, but right now, I'm waiting tables for fast money to get out on my own. I have over a decade of experience waiting tables, so it's the easiest, fastest job for me to find.

Living with my ex is confusing. We dated for about six months and broke up around June or July because we kept bickering. After a few initial fights shortly after I moved in, we are getting along harmoniously now.

We are both single and we do have sex. It's a very confusing situation that I'm in. I am not ready to date, since I'm only focusing on getting my life in order right now. He gets jealous if he thinks I have a crush on someone else. That makes me feel a bit trapped. My brain is so focused on doing what I have to do that I'm not thinking about relationships right now though, so I'm not sure that matters much.

I do know that now that I have somewhere safe to stay with heat and away from abuse and alcoholism, my anxiety and panic is finally getting better since it began after my accident four years ago.

My life never went in a predictable way. It still doesn't and I know that people who haven't been in my situation might judge me for it, but I do what I need to to survive. I'm finally brave enough to take a chance like this. It's a huge step for me. I feel so lucky that at some of the darkest times of my life, when I felt I had no one, I found that someone was there, even if it was someone I wouldn't have considered turning to initially. I don't feel bad about this, even if it does raise some confusion at times.

My life could have been easier than it has been, but I wouldn't have even a fraction of the experience about what life can be if that were the case. I'm willing to roll with the punches and stay strong. I'm willing to move on and not care what other people might think because I am a very good person who's led a life that hasn't been normal so far and the ways out are also maybe not so normal, but I'm determined to do the best for myself that I can.

Any of you who are living with exes and don't have anyone else to turn to, I know what it's like to feel alone and not have family to turn to. Be strong. Don't care how others might judge you. They haven't lived your life. It surely must be nice to not have to end up in a situation like this, but in the end, the struggles in life are what make us strong and wise and better people. I'd rather be any of those things in the end.
Birthdaycandle Birthdaycandle
31-35, F
Nov 29, 2012