I'm Scared of What's to Come.

I started dating my ex in late July, when I was just seventeen. We wanted to spend every waking moment together, and shared everything. We had a lot in common, and we could laugh together. Whatever we did together was amazingly fun, whether it was just watching TV on the couch or going out to a hookah bar. It wasn't long after I turned eighteen that I decided to move out and get a place with him. We originally shared it with a friend of his (but that friend moved out soon after due to other reasons.)

We got a couple new roommates, and kept going about our lives, until they also left (again, other reasons.)

By then we were trying to make it in an expensive apartment, just barely able to scrape enough together each month. When work cut his hours, things got even worse. I started feeling like it was difficult to come home after work when home felt just as stressful. I had to pretend to be happy a lot of the time. When, on my birthday, he yelled at me for not cleaning right (when he would not have been letting me clean at all the previous year) and then told me that my "lack of motivation in life" and my "putting on weight" has made him depressed and stressed out. It felt like being punched in the gut.

To him, my low libido was never enough to satisfy him. He went to college, but wasn't able to make it, and so seeing my own issues with education seemed to depress him. However in our current situation (no car for either of us, not enough money) I could not go to college and be making a wise financial situation at the same time.

We ended up trying a break not soon after. It was supposed to last a week, but we missed each other, and it ended up turning into 3 days. Things felt amazing afterwards, we were able to enjoy each other's company again. But it started to fade again. We started getting angry at each other for little things, and feeling restless and bored when we spent time together.

We both decided to break up, and this time it was very mutual. We talked about me getting my own apartment, and figuring stuff out for myself. He said that if I could prove to him that I could be financially independent, then he'd want me back. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but I agreed that it was a good idea. It wasn't until about an hour later that I realized that I don't have the money to do such a thing, nor enough credit history to even apply. My options were either move in with a friend who would have to give me rides every morning and night, or move in with my parents, who would be only able to give me rides on weekends. When I told my boss what had happened, he told me that he couldn't change my schedule to work around that, and would have to find someone else to work.

Realizing I'd not only broken up with my boyfriend, but also my cat, my apartment, and my job, I felt hopeless and collapsed on a bench and cried for ages. I finally made it back to the apartment, where I packed up my stuff and took it to a friend's. I only slept there one night, realizing the next morning that I needed to stay at the apartment. My ex agreed with the situation, and I'm now living in another room in our three bedroom apartment.

We're getting another roommate soon, and that will help us financially. I can start to prove that I'm able to handle these things on my own without being reminded or having the finances handled by him. However, I'm not sure if I want him back, even after I prove myself. I've been a lot less stressed out these past few days (even if I have been very lonely) simply because I haven't had to pretend that I am in love. He's my best friend, and I think that he deserves better from me. If I'm going to be with him again, I want to know 100%. The nights and mornings are hardest, though, when he leaves for work and doesn't say goodbye, or when we go to bed and we just say goodnight instead of cuddling up together in bed. The fact that we haven't kissed in days is mind boggling to me.

I am wondering, however, with his high sex drive, how long we can go on like this. I believe he will eventually either go out with someone or bring someone home just to satisfy that, and it scares me, because I don't know if I will want to be with him again after that. (He was my first, but I was not his.) I'm also thinking that dating situations will be quite fun, considering to most sane people, "I live with my ex" sounds more like stepping into a volcano rather than taking a walk in the park.

I do love him, no matter what, but I just want what is best for us. Even if that is being apart.

latchkeygirl latchkeygirl
18-21, F
Mar 23, 2009