How To Deal With The Daily Changes

I have been dealing with alot of things in our relationship for the past few years. First on the list was the drinking. I thought all of our problems simulated from this. Acts of jealousy, ill tempered, thoughts of sucide, self esteem issues and so on. We have come along way, and I know we still have a long road to travel. I am willing to travel it with him, but some days... OH MY it's tough... and I feel a wreck cuz I don't know which way is up. It does seem he is self consumed and not one single person can out do him, or be better them him. I have heard many times I won't find anyone as good as me out there. It's not always bad days, there are alot of good. We laugh, we do fun things together - but when it's bad it's aweful.. and the more times I have to face the bad days the harder it is. I was full of patients love and understanding. If I talk to people for support he feels I am sharing our business. So that is challenging. I find comfort in talking to his sister but I build him up and tear him down in her eyes so it's not fair to her... I am just running out of options and feel I'm headed to a nervious break down if I don't find a way to get back on track. How do you talk to your spouse about the pain they are causing without them resenting you for it?
rhondac rhondac
4 Responses Dec 8, 2010

you're right...

It is hard to talk because, of course, they feel you're criticizing them. I try to explain to my boyfriend that i need to have a relationship where i'm always open with him and don't have secrets. We are closer when i can be honest, so i try to always be. I've explained to him that i need him to be strong enough to handle the truth. Only he can work on caring for his health and keeping up his (mental) strength. I can't do it for him and i'm not responsible for his feelings. I can only be careful and considerate in the delivery of the message.<br />
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Something i've learned recently is how men HEAR women. Apparently, it's important to them to make us happy. If we are very very clear regarding what exactly makes us happy, they will strive to delivery that happiness. When we're vague, or when we say something will make us happy and then it doesn't, we confuse and frustrate them.<br />
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So my advice is, look deep inside yourself and figure out what that ONE thing is that he can do to make you happy. Make it something tangible. Then tell him. Then when he does it and makes you happy, tell him your happy! Then figure out what the next thing you need from him is....but don't forget to tell him your still happy about the first thing.<br />
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Men always think women are impossible to please. Only women understand women.<br />
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If you're happy, it relieves stress for him. Stress triggers BP episodes. Help him make you happy.

I lived that kind of life for seven years. I used to say the same thing, when things were good...they were good but when they were bad it was unbearable. I finally admitted that the bad times always outweighed the good. I would be living that life today if I had not gotten pregnant. We were trying to avoid having children but I guess she was determined to get here. Living in the hell of mental illness is much more complicated when you bring a child/children in it. I chose to save her from the inevitable pain she would endure. I attempted to help him have a relationship with her but he was never really capable of maintaining relationships and eventually let her go. Sad. My advice is seek help at all costs, pray if you believe and ask yourself what your bottom line is. Do you have one? If not, you have to decide whether or not you want one.

That's a tough one. I have a similar situation, although it sounds like my spouse is a bit more even keel than yours. I try to talk to my wife when it seems like she's in a decent mood and is receptive. The problem is that she will be receptive and even talk about doing something to get better but then when she has a bad day, that all goes out the window and she resents me for having brought up our problems even though it may have been days, weeks, or even months earlier when she was in a better mood.<br />
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I found a very good counselor, and I use him as my outlet for talking about these things. I'm working with him to decide if I'm better off staying with my wife or not. Talking to friends and relatives hasn't worked for me either