Trying To Find A Solution

My fiance is un-medicated and diagnosed with bipolar 1, he is a joy to be around but clings to me 24/7, he says that he feels the most depressed when I'm not around, That is alot of pressure on me personally because I like my space just as much as anyone else does. And I don't want him to be depressed so sometimes I feel like I NEED to be around him all the time so he is not sad... I don't really know where I'm going with this... Just wondering if anyone feels the same? Also he controls his bipolar really well it just takes a little while for him to get control but when he is enraged I can't really do anything except be quiet and wait...  and he gets all worked up and enraged about the smallest things, like one time I was upset at him for something and I went into my typical defense mode and started laughing, he was pissed too but it made him even more angry when I started laughing and he later told me that he wanted to jump out of the car at the time or break something... . I've recently read some articles about diet and unconditional love and having daily standards to meet for consistency in his life. He doesn't believe the diet (reducing refined sugars and foods) will help but I don't know how to convince him to try it. suggestions? and he is very over protective... of me as well , when we first started dating I made it clear to him that I was a free spirit and that I went out alot with my friends and never really slowed down he was fine with it then at least he seemed that way ... Now when I want to go out he always wants to come with me or tell me he doesn't want to and expects me to stay home with him,  when I say I want to go by myself he gets all uppity and says things like he will be up all night worrying about me and if he goes with then he can watch over me if I get into trouble, I tell him over and over again I've lived this long without someone watching over me why would I have a problem now but that doesn't help... he insists that I need someone there to help me if I get in trouble wherever I go because something can always happen. Advice anyone?? 
hulalovestwostep hulalovestwostep
6 Responses May 30, 2012

I lived this for 6 years. I was married to the guy for the last two years, until he took his own life in July.

I was an extrovert, he -- while very outgoing and charming -- was an extreme introvert. We had a very loving relationship, but I felt the same pressure that you're talking about. His happiness seemed very dependent on me.

Also, we always had this conflict of me wanting to socialize and meet new people. He only wanted to spend time with well known friends, or have couple-time, watch movies together, go out to dinner. We tried to balance this, but when I needed my socializing, I would have to go alone and he would resent me for it. I even found in one of his notebooks a song he wrote where the chorus repeated the line "she'd rather be with friends." (He was a great song writer and musician.)

Then, about a year ago, I got offered a job in a different city. He supported me in going for it, and the idea was that he would move there 6 months later, after finishing the school year (he was a teacher).

I really enjoyed my time alone, and was able to do lots of socializing, meeting tons of new people, and experiencing new things. I started to question my happiness in our marriage, and I told him that. After that, his personality was increasingly inconsistent when I saw him on the weekends. He'd either be extremely loving and needy, or extremely irritable and say very mean things to me (and then later apologizing profusely).

Finally, after the six months, he moved to the new city with me. He had a job at a new school that he hadn't started yet, but he was extremely shaken by all the changes that were taking place. His mood was changing from day to day. I tried to listen to him, but I was getting impatient. He was too much for me to handle.

We were planning to move together to a new apartment. One Sunday morning, some friends were helping us move things to the new place. When we got back, I was tired and laid down on the couch. He had gone to the bedroom, and then came out and told me he was going to take a nap. A couple hours later I went to check on him and found him hanging.

If I could go back in time, one thing I would have done for sure: Gone to couples counseling BEFORE we got married. I actually knew he was bipolar before getting married, but I thought since we had lived through it for 3 years that it was something we both could handle. The thing is in those first 3 years things remained relatively stable. We lived in the same city with the same jobs and same friends. I didn't realize how hard it would be for him to handle change. And, for me, change is something I need in my life.

The other thing I would have done: Talk to both my parents and his about the problems we were going through. It could have been especially beneficial for me to talk to his mother. She knew the severity of his disorder, knew about past suicide attempts, and could have prepared me for what might come. It's a shame that only after his death that we are really talking about these things.

Though very tragic this story has given me perspective. Thank you for sharing.

Oh my, I don't remember writing this but it sure appears asthough I did. You are speaking my words so clearly. This is too my life. I can really relate to this.

Sounds just like my boyfriend. We have been off and on for a little over a year. He pulls the same guilt trips. He was medicating for a while (the main reason I took him back) but he decided to stop recently because he doesn't feel like getting his presc<x>ription renewed. It kills me. He says "I don't force you to take something that changes who you are" and that it makes him sleepy and bored.. I just wish I was worth it to him to stay on it. He thinks I'm only pestering him about it for my own benefit, but he doesn't realize how much it's effecting him. He's extremely impulsive & likes to gamble. He will say really mean comments. He will make me feel guilty for going out with my friends without him or even for working the opposite shift as him. I'm so sad he's off his meds. I love him so much.. I just want him to be better.

I don't really want him on the meds constantly because it really does change his personality. He is boring and sleepy and when he is off he is charming and funny . I just wish that instead of the typical manic extreams there was some kind of middle ground.

I am facing a similar situation in my marriage as well.. My husband has two personalities ,one of an angel and the other of a devil. He loves me like mad and is over protective of me and doesn't like me being out of his sight, which is of course annoying at times. But he can also behave like one complete crazy man yelling at me or others for something really silly. He has no control over his emotions and i hate him when he misbehaves with me whether inside the house or on the streets. He is really unbearable and wants you to just obey his will whether reasonable or not. He also has the habit of repeating certain things to annoy you till you can take it no further and you feel like jumping outside the window. He still won't care. I feel so trapped with him because i know his behavior is never consistent and any moment the devil will come out. One feels like a loser in both the situations if one stays with him or if one goes away from him.

Yours seems a bit more serious. Mine has gotten better and he is trying really hard to let me flap my wings. He knows and i have finally gotten through to him that i need my friend and other people in my life and he knows he cannot keep me to himself forever.... Getting better everyday...

Hi im jeremy im 22 years old and i have the same problem as your husband. Im on house arrest right now i got put on medication and blacked out the next day i was arrested for the people i was with. I am unable to see my girlfriend of 3 and a half years who i planned on asking her to marry me. recently she changed her facebook to single. i feel sad alot but the best thing for you and your husbands relationship i can suggest is telling him how you feel and that you love him and would never do anything to hurt him or yourslef when apart. i know mine started when my om got cancer maybe hes holding something deeper in as well? hope this can help you

and yesterday I clarified with him about which bipolar he has and he basically told me that he is amazing at controlling it because things and scenarios go on in his his that he knows is not real but he really believes them ... delusions and what not ... I don't know if I would be as cool and collected as he is with all that going on...