I Am Done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Part 2

I called and confronted my BP husband 2 days before he was to arrive back home. He would not come clean even though I could hear deceit clearly in his voice. Last night my BP husband arrived back home from long Amsterdam work trip. Last night my BP husband arrived back home from Amsterdam work trip. My BP husband said to me this morning "Are you still mad at me?" I asked him if o could ask him a question and he said sure. I asked why did you search out Amsterdam sex clubs on youtube one 4 days before you left on your work trip. BP husband answers "Because I was curious about the country I was going to." Apparently he thinks I am dumb. I told him I want to get through Christmas for the kids and show a friendly mutual respect for the sake of the children then in January I want to move forward with divorce.

An hour ago he asked me if I wanted to go to his Company Christmas Party.

Angar Angar
36-40, F
3 Responses Dec 13, 2012

Did you leave? I left my bp fiancé on Jan 18. I know that I did the best thing for me and my 2 daughters. He obviously didn't want to get better.... It's still very hard bc I still love him and miss his sweet, affectionate, fun-loving, goofy and generous side. It's only been 2 weeks but feels like months. I am trying to stay strong and have been going to therapy. How are you doing?

Fom a Bipolar man that is in treatment and repairing a marriage of 33 years..I want to say this LOUD and CLEAR........(((( You did the right thing.))))


I know it's hard to take this stand but untreated Bipolar can ruin your health and the childrens childhood and mental health.

A seperation doesn't mean that you don't have hope.You can send him a letter if your therapist agrees ? You can tell him all your feelings for him and how his Bipolar needs treatment.you could skype your ex and talk about making a REALISTIC TREATMENT PLAN with the therapist for guidance.You could try to establish ground rules for getting back together with a contract and conditions.For example he would see a Psychiatrist and your therapist and take meds for .....TWO YEARS .....before you knew he was stable and complying with the treatment plan.

I'll tell you something that may help ? When I started teatement in November 2011 I was reluctant about the medication and the label placed on me.BUT....I told my wife that she was to leave me if I didn't manage my Bipolar properly by stopping meds,not sleeping,drinking alcohol and avioding my daily walks.

Thank you for that. I needed to hear that from someone who is bipolar. I knew my bp exfiance didn't want to get it under control when he drank like fish, stopped exercising, eat horribly and became addicted to his Xbox Call of Duty game. I am certain that he stopped taking his lithium medication and on top of that, he would do daily injection of testosterone. That can't be good for a man who is bipolar.
The last 2 months, his venomous outbursts was more frequent in front of the children. I was afraid that he would be violently aggressive towards me in front of them. He had been aggressive towards me a few times before we got engaged last July so it worried me. The last time he was violent to me was during our vacation last April and I had flown back by myself a day earlier bc he threw my bags out on our hotel room porch and locked me out. I ended it then, but 2 weeks later he wanted me back. He said that he will go see a psychiatrist and get help. That is when I found out he is bipolar. I did not know before then. His doctor told him that he should have never stopped taking his meds so he knew all along that he is bipolar but never told me this when we first got together in August 2011. I knew that he was depressed towards the end of his marriage due to his job and his ex wife. He said that he had suicidal thoughts so he was put on meds for 3 years back then. I wasn't familiar with bipolar disorder so when he would get angry over dumb thing in the beginning of our relationship, I thought that he is just very sensitive and passionate. Boy, was I wrong....

So, in April, I took him back bc I loved him so much and truly felt that we were eachother's soulmates. He got on Lamictal but he didn't like how it made him feel when we were sexually intimate. I think this is the reason why he started taking testosterone injections daily? I am not quite sure. Anyways, we got engaged in July and moved in together. Things were great that summer at our new place together. He gave up his call of duty game and he focused on furnishing and settling into the house. He was cooking for me and was putting together a home gym. He got a new rowing machine, but after a short while, he was not into it anymore.

In November, he got the new Call of Duty Black Ops game (btw, he is 44 yrs old) and it went downhill from there. He would play any spare minute he had, till 2 am and before work. He snapped at my 11 yr old daughter when she asked if she can play with the Xbox Just Dance game. I couldn't believe how selfish and mean he was to a child.

The final straw was a month ago, and I found 3 phone numbers of a massage parlor in an old cell phone bill. I asked him about it bc it was called 1 in the morning that time we had broken up in April 2012. He said that we were broken up and he never ended up going. He said that he has never gone to a massage parlor but I don't believe that. If he's never been to one then why would you call 3 to see if they were open that late? Also, during the time we were together, I was suspicious bc he would shave his chest hair (he is very furry) and pubic hair right before a business trip. It all makes sense now. I think that he frequents these massage parlors when he goes away,too.

Since I left him, I have been reading a lot about the bipolar disorder and blogs about people who live with a bipolar spouse and I know I did the best thing for my mental health and safety as well as my daughters'. It still doesn't make it easy to get over him. I feel a piece of me is missing. He was my best friensd. I am taking it one day at a time.

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through because of UNMANAGED BIPOLAR.You have to remind yourself that this is the same as a nice dog with Rabbies.You love the dog but the dogs brain is changed by the illness in the brain.

Once you get him on an MEDICALLY APPROVED TREATMENT PLAN minus the X-BOX ( BRAIN OVERSTIMULATION ),ALCOHOL,lack of sleep because we require 8-9 evrynight,meds and exercise.then you may be able slowly redevelop a relationship.He should be tested every 6 months for any STD'S he picked up.You should be tested at this time for your safety.

REMEMBER the sexual behavior is common in Mania.Poor choices and decisions ans well as aggression and angry outbursts are common with unstable moods.Think of him a PMS x 6-10 without proper treatment.Many Bipolar people end up in jail,in trouble with the law or in prison.These people .....me being one of them......are going to screw up with an impaired brain that is not regulated.

So hold your line,continue to have HOPE " because hope is a good thing " Shaw Shank Redemption MOie reference and a movie you should see.Also you NEED to see the new award winning movie called " SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK " about Bipolar,people with depression from loss and OCD and addictions.Hold a line with your therapist and make him conform to treatment......EVEN THOUGH IT IS COMMON FOR BIPOLAR PATIENTS TO REVOLT and want to be normal like others.

Shawshank redemption is one of my favorite movies and story that I have read. I will go see the Silver Lining Playbook since you recommended it. I would love to have hope that he would want to get bipolar under control, and we can be together again. But, I'm afraid that in the beginning it will be ok and then it will be the same again....like he promised in last April.

Yes, I should get tested for std's. Thank you for that advice. It's a scary thought. He is wreckless. He needs to stop drinking. Alcoholism runs in his family. He drives drunk often, even with his twin girls in car. I hope that he doesn't kill anyone one of these days.

Thanks again for your insight and advice. It's nice to reach out to people who understands.

He won't break the contract if you wait for two years of Sobriety and set up a Treatment Plan.You can Skype for a few months and then have___ bottled water____ because coffee causes Mania( Stimulant Psychosis ) just like Cocaine.I have had Psychosis from Coffee and it should be avoided.

My point is that you don't move back in till you see 2 years of Bipolar Management.You support him at the therapist office and TAKE YOUR TIME IF HE IS SERIOUS.

Then when you move in with a Bipolar person you obsere them and make sure that his anger is normal anger not Bipolar rages and relapse.My wife will ask me if I'm sleeping and if I took my pills today.Eventually my wife will trust me more and more.There is always hope but he has to want to change so send him all these notes and see what he has to say to you or me ?

No, I did not leave. I have decided to stay. He has taken responsibility and most importantly fully acknowledged the damage he has caused the six years we have been married. I am a hopeful but also fully aware of what a slippery slope we are on.

OK, he has made a breakthrough.You still need to see a therapist to draw up a contract.He has to agree to an approved TREATMENT PLAN.

Alcohol is NOT part of an approved plan.

The kids need to be educated about Bipolar so they understand and don't blame themselves.The kids have to feel safe and secure.

He needs his meds and a Psychiatrist EVERY MONTH AS I DO THE SAME to monitor the meds.

4 More Responses

I'm a Bipolar man ...so ....can I make a suggestion ?

Look,I'm very sure he is putting you through hell but for the kids sake it's important to give it everything first.Perhaps if you write him a letter and explain how his Bipolar is affecting yourself and the kids.

Then take a seperation and___ tell him that in the letter____.Durring the time away you can meet with him and his doctor and show him a copy of the letter.Let's face it...no woman is going to put up with Amsterdam sex clubs or a search of the clubs BEFORE A TRIP ! THey also don't want to live with DR.Jekle and Mr. Hyde and his Bipolar moods.

Tell him that I went on the meds a year ago and quit the alcohol because unmedicated Bipolar was ruining my 33 year marriage.I'm stable on Lithimm 900 milligrams with blood tests first,then kidney and thyroid tests every 6 months FOR SAFETY !! Also Clonazapam 0.5 2 times daily for my tension and anxiety and Serontin 100 milligrams at bedtime.

He also needs a long walk evryday or exercise daily for relaxation,20 minute hot baths help.

My point is that if he takes care of himself for a year then you will come back on a trial basis.Of course you expect him to continue with sane behavior and good self care.

I am so grateful for your comment and suggestions it means so much to me.
last year I wrote him a few letters and gave him 3 item he needed to give to me if he wanted to stay married. 1. go back to therapy 2. get his moods 9(anger)under control 3. be respectful toward me. This lasted 3 months. My husband landed another great job and pressured me to quit my job to be a stay at home mom. against everything I felt was right for me I quit my job. Immediately after I quit my job he stopped his meds and therapy I should have saw this coming he just plainly said to me I refuse to be medicated for the rest of my life. The rest is history. Here we are again a year later and in the same spot.

If you need me along the journey I will try to assist.

I should tell you that your note made me feel useful.I to be a Developmental Services Worker for 26 years.I was the guy that locked you up in restraints a straight Jacket or in a side room with a small window.I medicated those that lost their mind.


Your useful assistance is much appreciated.

Can I tell you I feel as if I am the one who is mentally frail these days. I feel as if I am slowly spiraling down a rat hole. I feel as if I am in a elevator that is slowly running out of air for me to breath.

Those are all normal responses to feeling bewildered,overwhelmed with a ton of dispair.

I'll tell you a true story that I heard one time.A guy is in Vietnam and he is feeling like he has lost his mind.Sooo he goes to the see the Psychiatrist.The soldier say's " DOC YOU GOT TO SEND ME HOME BECAUSE I'M CRAZY "

The Psychiatrist say's " Sorry soldier I have to send you back into comabt" The soldier asks why ? The Psychiatrsit say's If you were crazy you wouldn't know it.

Angar...... your doing the right thing for yourself,your husband and your kids.Just because it's the right thing doesn't mean that it isn't the HARDEST thing you've ever done.

I'm going to say one last thing and then I'm going to cry .....When I started my medication after putting my wife through hell for 5 years I told her to make me a promise.

I told her to leave me if I ever went off my meds.I've loved her since 1972 when we were kids together on the same street.REMEMBER,....it's NOT our fault that we have this bad DNA but it is our ( RESPONSIBILITY ) to manage it.

My husband asked me tonight if I knew how much he loved me and I said No.
He proceeded to tell me because I did not know how much he loves me, I have something wrong with me that needs to change. Our marriage is transactional I have been asking for affection for years from him and because I refuse to keep asking him this has now become my problem that I need to fix. He said he refuses to take on this burden. I am at a point where I am so confused and defeated and feeling hatred toward him.

LOOK,just take one problem at a time because this is TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.

If you want to leave after Christmas and take some time to slow down and think.

In the letter get him to a therapist but.....most importantly work out all these issues with a therapist.

BIPOLAR people do odd things like pulling away.If he is being manipulative then you will seperate that from the Bipolar behaviors and symtoms.


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You need to get away with you children some place.You are not alone in dealing with BPD.My son in law is bi polar and does'nt like to take his meds.Very difficult to deal with as they just do not see the flip side and other peoples emotions.Everything becomes about them.Non rational thought patterns.Not healthy for the Kids because they will not understand this.Children are so wonderful they often will think they did something wrong instead of seeing an adult for what they might be or might be going through in life.God bless and good luck to us all.

Thank you for your words. I plan to move on the beginning of January. Until then I tell myself each morning when I wake up "Keep Going" What I am telling myself is stay strong, stay the course, please don't waiver. For the past 2 years my children and I have cycled. To say I love this man is an understatement. But I know that I have to painfully put that aside for firstly myself and my children.